Showing posts with label bad foode habits. Show all posts

[All We Are, OneRepublic]

Part 1

This ended up being hella long so I'm breaking 'er up into two parts, one posting now in the wee hours of Monday morning and the second scheduled to post tomorrow (Tuesday.  Duh.).  Because I love you and I know you get exhausted sometimes, what with me being so verbose and all.  You can't say I never did anything for you.

***

So... the last week, eating wise... not so good.

For one, the last few posts were written before I knew we'd be stuck in Seattle over Christmas.  Which wasn't entirely terrible.  I mean, Jas became a guitar hero and I fully discovered Hulu.com (LOVE it, btw).  It was a bit too sad to go through each one and edit them to read that I wrote them ahead of time, in prep for a holiday with fam, but that we had to stay home alone yet again.  Last year we were shunned from the family function (long story that I'm not privy to tell here on-line for the whole world to read) and spent Christmas and New Year's just the two of us in our apartment.  That's not a terrible thing, don't get me wrong, but it's lonely.

So, anyway, I just didn't want to go through my pre-written posts and edit out the "we're with family!" stuff.  I just left them.  And I'm fixing it now, you know, by telling you again that I was actually here the whole time even though the scheduled posts from the last few days say otherwise.  But you get it so I'll move on.

So here's what we did do- we said to heck with gluten free and bought a ham, potatoes, stuffs for green bean casserole, sausage and such for tasty stuffing, and the makings for a birthday cake for Jesus.  No, really.  It's kind of a cool tradition, with candles and such to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.  Sounds cheesy, I'm sure, but it's a cool way to keep the focus where it needs to be.

The issue is that we ate an entire cake in four days.  I ate 7 out of twelve pieces in four days.  Not healthy.  We ate about 75% of the ham in four days (the rest is on the bone, in the freezer, to eventually make split pea soup- yummy!).  All of the stuffing.  The green bean casserole.  And a Costco sized pizza.  And had fast food twice.

There was never any real bingeing in my part, no uncontrollable eating, no stuffing in of the food.  But it was a lot of food, spread out though it was, and many calories were consumed in a short period of time.  Much more so than in a normal week, and definitely more processed and high sugar and fatty foods.  Ick.  I'm scared to weigh myself.  But I will.  On January 1st I will weigh myself, and I'll quit wussing out and missing weigh-ins.  I did drop to a low of 354 this month, which is nice, but I am sure I am way over that right now.

The truth is, I feel gross.  I don't feel good.  The food seems like it will be lovely, and as I eat it, the taste is great and comforting and satisfying.  But then... I feel disgusting.  Like, one day I ate 3 pieces of cake and fistfuls of ham and tons of other crap that made me feel like... crap.  When I ate it the food seemed so good but was it worth it?

There's this episode of Sex and the City where Miranda is trying to lose the ominous baby weight, so she goes to a Weight Watchers meeting.  She meets a guy while there, and they end up, after a few meetings, going out to a diner where they split an original glazed Krispy Kreme donut.  Miranda eats her half, moaning in ecstasy, and says, "See, this is worth it.  This is worth being fat for."  Or something to that effect.

The deal is... for her, at like 20 pounds overweight, it probably is.  But when you weigh 350+ pounds it's not really.

Did you know that I'm so obese that it puts intense pressure on my bladder and I suffer from some level of incontinence (not impotence!).  Yeah.  Like, when I have to pee, I have to pee NOW.  I usually can't get my pants down fast enough and, to be totally vulnerable here, I've had a small leak a few times.  I don't full on piss myself, but enough escapes that I have to change my underwear.  It's actually kind of common in morbid obesity.

Why does no one tell you that?  "Hey, by the way, don't be 200 pounds overweight because you'll have bladder control located somewhere between a fully gestated 40-weeks pregnant woman and oops! I just laughed but thank the good Lord for Depends! 73-year old Aunt Mildred."

Just saying.  Maybe I would have paid a little more attention as the pounds began to pile on.

There are other unpleasant things.  You know, the getting exhausted just going grocery shopping and being completely worn out from spending 9 hours a day with a 1 year old (one year old!  Brody turned one the 23rd, just before Christmas).  The lack of creative possibilities in the marital bliss department (you know you get that, don't scoff).  The utter disgust I feel when I see my reflection in the turned-off TV when I'm sitting in my chair.  The way I feel like my stomach pulls me around instead of me actually carrying it as I walk.

Really, though, it's just frustrating.  The renewed dedication, the commitment to truly change, and then the next round of, "So, I really sucked it hard this last week" that usually corresponds to my most recent bout with PMS.  It's exhausting.  Really, something's gotta give.

To be continued...

[Let It Snow]

It's crazy snowy here.

Seattle + Snow = City Shuts Down

Seriously- I was one of like 6 people who had to show up at work today.  It was crazy, driving down a main arterial at rush hour and seeing two other cars.  Usually there'd be two cars close enough for me to touch them if I leaned out of my car far enough!

I don't have any pics (forgot my camera this morning, dang it!) but you can check out these various links, from the general (Seattle Times) to the hyper-local (Greenwood blog, though I live in the Green Lake neighborhood, but really they're almost the same; Ballard, the third link, is where I hope we eventually buy a house.  It's like 10 minutes from my current neighborhood but I LOVE it there!).  Anyway, maybe I'll take some pics tomorrow.  Until then, you can see how nutty we are about a snow day around here:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/home/index.html

http://www.phinneywood.com/

http://www.myballard.com/

The good news, btw, is that though the roads were extremely frightful and my Ghettro wasn't exactly made for snow.  I grew up in the mountains and I can handle it; plus, the husband (lovely man, really) camped out with the laptop and free wi-fi at Les Schwab yesterday for 9- yes, NINE- hours to get new all-season tires put on said Ghettro, so that helped.  I didn't even come straight home from work- I went to Fred Meyer to do a little Christmas shopping.  The only scary part was actually parking at home, because we live on a very steep hill and coming down that hill was not fun, what with the road being, literally, a sheet of ice.

I do have to say that the snow is actually kind of really fun.  Like, I hate the cold and the winter, and I live in Seattle because the temps are usually in the 40's in the Winter, 60's in the Spring and Fall, and 70's-80's in the Summer.  AKA climate PERFECTION.  Spokane, on the eastern border of WA and where I lived for 5 years after college, was much more temperate and they almost always have decent amounts of snow in the winter (though they got a record 30 inches in 24 hours yesterday!  Oy stinking VEY!).

The deal is that it's kind of fun, though, because some 80% (total guess, I can't lie!) of my Facebook friends live in either the Seattle area or Spokane, so it's been fun to peruse the gazillion photos people have posted of the crazy snow.  It's kind of a cool feeling, being bonded over the shared experience.  And seeing kids sledding down the roads no one dare drive on was pretty cool, too.  Oh, and best of all- my sexy JasFace used some pool deicing stuff after shoveling our sidewalks so ours are the only clear ones on the block- pretty sweet :)

Anyway... rather uneventful day.  I didn't eat enough- I was so caught up in conversation (both of my employers were home today, since one works from home mostly and the other had a snow day and didn't have to go to work; mutual friends brought over their baby and it was really fun!) that I only ate one small piece of pizza and then forgot to eat more, and by 4pm I was SO FREAKING HUNGRY.  Dinner was healthy, though- simple rice with a wee bit of Tamari sauce (gluten free equivalent of soy sauce, basically) and a chicken breast grilled on a grill pan on the stove with salt and pepper to flavor- perfect!  So tasty. The 4 almond rocas and 2 servings of chocolate and 4 pieces of candy (Applets and Cotlets, for you Washingtonians) were not so healthy though... meh.

I'm mostly just rambling and I feel like I had better things to say but I can't remember them now, so I'll just be done now :)

[Light On, David Cook]

Yeah, I still can't stop listening to the DC song.  I just love it.  I started to try and force myself to think of a different song to quote, but it really doesn't make sense to manufacture a title... I always try to go au naturale, a song that is either already in my head or occurs to me when I think of what I want to write about.

Anyway.

No big news here.  I'm going to try and take the Brodster for a walk when he wakes up from his nap, though I'm gonna have to stick closer to home because it's looking nasty like it wants to rain.  Maybe I'll just keep doing laps around the same block... boring, but better than getting poured on.  Plus, I'd feel really bad if he got all wet.

I have been thinking about something (warning: total subject change)... sometimes I watch those shows on TLC about people who are like 500 or 600 pounds, and I remember one woman crying and saying that the stereotypes about people that big being lazy just aren't true.  Now, I can't speak for all fat people here, but as I take an objective look at my own life I have to admit that overall I am pretty lazy.  I mean, I cook and try to stay up on the cleaning, though our apartment seems to always have some clutter.  But the times I most look forward to in a day are meals, watching TV, and sleep.  And by "look forward to" I mean that those are what my day revolves around and other stuff- cleaning, showering, exercise, random tasks like paying bills or scheduling appts, etc- gets shoved in here and there, in bit parts, but if I am not being disciplined then I avoid a lot of those responsibilities.

Another blogger seeking to lose weight blogged recently her observation in her own life that when the eating and exercise slip up so do all other aspects of her life.  Suddenly laundry piles up, floors are unswept, and bills go unpaid.  I can attest to the truth of this in my life- usually I stop exercising first.  Then my eating slowly gravitates to more and more food and less and less nutritious whole foods at that.  Then go daily responsibilities like cleaning, even blogging, and I push more work / duties onto Jason.

Typically I work 3 days (Tues-Thurs) and get 4 days off (Fri-Mon).  Often they need me a bit extra, but that's my general schedule.  So two weekends ago, in my four day weekend, here's pretty much what I did.  I confess beforehand that this is incredibly humbling to be honest about, but it's the truth and hiding it doesn't do much for me, so hopefully honesty with spur me on to change and possibly some of you with similar struggles:

Thursday after work - watch TV until 11pm-ish, then mess around on the internet until 1am-ish
Friday- wake up when I feel like it (10 am-ish), go straight to the TV and start watching the endless hours of HGTV I had recorded (by endless I mean probably 10 or so).  Eat around noon (I forget what, but assume it was around 800-1,000 cal worth of food), spend an hour or so on gmail/Facebook/CNN/People/Google Reader, watch TV.  Eat 800 or so calorie "snack" around 5.  Repeat internet / TV cycle.  Eat 1,500 calorie dinner around 10.  Watch more TV, then more internet, and go to bed around 1-2 am.  (Note that there was no shower or brushing of teeth or anything hygiene related this day. And, personal as it may be, I sleep naked and kept on that outfit all day, so... I'm looking like a real winner here
Saturday - Repeat of Friday, with a shower (I always brush my teeth in the shower) in there somewhere (though I was still naked all day.)
Sunday - Repeat of Friday / Saturday, save for showering and going to church @ 7pm.
Monday - Repeat of Friday, again no hygiene. 

Notice that there was not a single productive thing done in there, save for church and cooking meals, ridiculously high calorie and unhealthy as they were.  No cleaning.  No time spent reading the Bible or in prayer.  Throw in a few phone calls (one with a friend, and probably 3-4 on Fri/Mon with my husband) and that was it.  I mean, I don't even shower or brush my teeth when I get in that state!  It's disgusting!  Totally wasted time that I'll never have back.  Pretty sad.

I'm not going to play the whole, "I used to be this way, but look, God intervened now I'm awesome!", card.  Way too many Christians do that and it's pretty grotesque, in my opinion.  I will tell you that I'm working on building some discipline into my life.  For one, I went through the DVR and deleted all the shows save for the ones I really care about... that list is still pretty long, but I cut out a LOT and that's a good first step.  I'm toying with the idea of setting a limit, either number of shows or hours per week, and cutting back to be within those boundaries, but I need to pray about it because my Tami-tendencies would lead me to go crazy and only watch like 2 shows (The Office and Heroes) and then I'd overreact and suddenly NEED to watch 45 hours of TV a week.  Probably not the best idea, methinks.  With the TV, though, I think I'm going to set some limits on watching TV while Brody naps, because all of a sudden I'm finding myself craving his nap time so I can watch TV.  I'm not sure about the limits- maybe only during his second nap?  Maybe only 1 show per day?  I dunno.  But I definitely need some.

Another issue is that when I get all lazy and into a TV-coma I completely quit reading.  I'm halfway through 3 really awesome books, and I need to read those while Brody's napping.  Also, I have all of these great art supplies that I bought like 2 years ago, so I'm going to start spending more time with those.  I have a few friends that I really want to send cards to, and I have tons of great card-making materials, so I'm definitely going to try and be more artsy, probably on Saturdays and maybe some on Fridays.  Plus, I have some projects I want to do, like sanding down our kitchen table (it's good, solid, wood) and staining it a darker color.  It's honey blonde right now and I don't like that color... I like deep, rich wood tones.

Then there's the exercise-- I had a mini-epiphany on Tuesday night while watching The Biggest Loser, one that brought to climax a bunch of thoughts that have been tumbling around for a few weeks.  Losing weight requires hard work, and it's something you earn.  I have never really had to work hard to earn anything in my life.  In sports I was always sort of middle-of-the-pack and though I wanted to stand out as a rock star I was pretty willing to settle for mediocre because the work required to be awesome wasn't so much my forte.  I've never had to work hard to make friends, because I'm generally jovial... I have had to work somewhat to keep deep relationships but I see in myself the tendency to let things slip when they require too much maintenance.  Plus, for the close relationships I do have, the work doesn't really feel laborious because I love the people so much, so that doesn't qualify as hard work.  This inlcudes my marriage- it's not easy by any means, but I so love Jason, and he's so amazing, that it doesn't feel like a burden to do the work...and when it does I just avoid certain issues until they don't seem so intimidating.  

I mean this not to sound prideful in any way, but I also have never really had to try hard to succeed academically.  I always did well in school and put in minimal effort- I NEVER studied in high school, and in college I would put off writing papers and studying for exams until literally the night before, and I'd still usually get A's on them.  I learned basic guitar very quickly, and then once I breached the easy threshold and started to enter into "this requires time, sacrifice, and serious effort to get really good" I stopped progressing.  I'm literally as good at the guitar now as I was after about a month's worth of practice... I'm decent, enough to impress some people, but not great by any means.  God allowed me to have a decent singing voice, so I rely on my natural talent and have never really worked to improve it in any way, never tried to go anywhere with it.

Hopefully you can clearly see a pattern in my life- I don't work for anything.  The second things get challenging I either quit or settle for where I am.  I've never really had to have discipline- I got by spiritually by thinking I was a really good Christian since I went to church and tried to read my Bible, though I only  went to God when it was convenient, and I looked and seemed spiritual enough to impress and be accepted by some, which was good enough for me.  I never had to handle my time well with regards to studying, being as I rarely studied, so I don't discipline myself with time.  I have always been able to handle finances just enough to live paycheck to paycheck so I've never really been disciplined with money.  I've skirted by on my personality and never challenged myself to really get better at anything.  If something gets too hard I either avoid it or quit altogether.

Yet, watching TBL, seeing people grunting and screaming and being told that they have to work hard, to earn their weight loss, hearing Jillian blast a girl for trying to give up when she's able to be there and 200,000 people were denied, really hit me deeply. I want to be healthy.  I want to lose this weight.  I want to go to Seahawks games.  I want to go for jogs around Green Lake and actually like it.  I want to have amazing sex and not be limited to one position because of my enormous stomach and chubby thighs.  I want to get fit enough to have a baby in 2-4 years, and in the meantime I want to be able to be more active with Brody.  I want to enjoy eating healthy, and to wrinkle my nose at the thought of fast food.  Really, I just want to live. 

I've been hoping that a spiritual revelation, or getting enough readers on this blog, or simply wanting to lose weight will change me.  Thus far... not so much.  I'm starting to grapple with the grim reality that this will require work.  Real work.  Hard work.  Keep on getting up and forging ahead every time I stumble and want to give up work.  And I don't like it.  It's clear to me that this is why I have struggled so much to this point, on the roller coaster of highs and lows, and that I have to deliberately change my mind and keep fighting because this will never change.  If I hold out for the miracle pill that boosts my metabolism to burning 5,000 calories a day (you know, the same one that will convert fat and cholesterol into the nutritional equivalent of spinach and blueberries) but I'll keep on not living until then, and that's not really the way to spend my life. 

I have more to say, but this is long, and I think Brody just woke up, so I will stop here.  There is the good news, a way that the Father has been ministering to me and teaching me, and how I do see myself changing, but I'll hit on that later, hopefully tomorrow.  Feel free to share thoughts, or to sock it to me- I can take it :)

-T

[Look After You, The Fray]

I've been uber busy- Monday night I babysat (Jason and I think date nights are of utmost importance and I am blessed to do that for the family I nanny for so they can have a date!  Keep the romance alive!) and didn't get home until almost 10:30.  Then last night was the inaugural meeting for our new Community Group (it was awesome!) but I didn't get home again until about 10.  I've been battling the back pain which has made a lot of things really difficult.

It's a rather tumultuous relationship I have with food and exercise, and I realize that when I'm in pain it just makes obedience so, so much more difficult.  Case in point: I had my first real slip-up last night.  I brought dinner home for Jason from CG and I was going to take one bite-- had I taken one and put it in the fridge all would have been well.  But instead I sat down in front of the computer with it, and the next thing I knew it was 2/3 of the way gone and I very clearly felt the Holy Spirit say, "This is sin.  STOP."  But I didn't.  I ate with my fingers, until I guiltily left 2 bites for Jason. 

After praying to Christ and asking my husband for forgiveness I know I'm clean.  I don't have to set up camp in the land of the sin. But it's hard; the initial, "My life is different!" is wearing off and it's turning into the daily work.  I hate the daily work.  I love the initial stage, the starting something new, where everything feels good and it's exciting to count calories.  I hate the maintenance phase where I have to do it even when it's monotonous. 

That said, last night's incident was a wake-up call- today I am writing down calories again and I will update the Foode Log later today.  Also, after a few wishy washy days I had a solid quiet time with Jesus this morning and I am really working on keeping thoughts of Jesus at the forefront of my mind, praying throughout the day, so that when I am facing temptation I'm that much more prone to hear His voice and respond as opposed to when I shut Him out and He feels far away.

I'm glad that I found the Mary Pickford quote, because my tendency after one mini-binge like last night would be to keep eating because, well, I've already screwed the pooch so I might as well punish myself iwth more food.  But I don't have to stay down, and I won't.

One issue is my back- I legitimately could not have worked out Monday or even gone to church Sunday.  The pain was too much.  But I would appreciate prayer for my back: my prayer is that if the Lord wills then He would heal it.  If it's not His timing or His will to heal my back then my prayer is that I will rely on Him and rest in His will and not get depressed.  I know that part of my funk for the last few days was that my back was hurting and I just felt depressed about it, which led to destructive choices like the food binge because my eyes were set on me and not God. 

Lastly, I've touched on it a lot in Spiritual Foode, but I had a sweet time in prayer with the Lord this morning.  He reminded me that He is a God of compassion, grace, and mercy, that He loves me with a jealous love that desires my whole heart, and that when I sin His discipline is to restore me to Him, not to punish me.  He is good and so faithful and I pray that I would rest in Jesus, to see Him as my loving Father and not an emotionally distant authority figure waiting to smack me down.

Remember my post on Peter's and Paul's?  I realized this weekend that I get far too caught up in Peter's weaker moments, like impulsively promising to follow Jesus to the end of the earth and then denying Him three times to a teenage girl.  I forget that Peter has one of the most amazing moments in the entire Bible, in John 21, when he sees the resurrected Jesus on the shore and thus dives into the water to get to his Lord as quickly as possible.  He wasn't going to sit in the boat and wait around- he was so excited to be back in the presence of Christ that he literally went all in, no chips left on the table.  Yeah, he still flubbed up with Judaizers stuff later, but Peter loved Jesus Christ.  And Jesus was faithful to remind Peter to be about the fear of God and not the fear of man, gently rebuking him in love for the three-pronged denial before the crucifixion.  Jesus forgave and restored Peter and eventually the main who denied Christ to a teenage girl, when facing his own crucifixion for following Jesus, asked to be crucified upside down because he was not worthy of dying in the same manner as his Lord. 

Someday when I meet Peter in heaven I am going to thank him, because his testimony in the Bible will continue to encourage me to live for Jesus my entire life, no matter how many times I make foolish choices. Until them I am going to keep letting the Lord restore me and help me back up when I stumble and sin.

[Crush, David Archuleta]

[Hide and Seek, Imogen Heap]

[Pork & Beans, Weezer]

Starting Weight: 367(Circa Jan 15, 08)

Starting BMI: 57.5

Week 12: 346.8 (May 21, 08)

Week 12 BMI: 54.3

Pounds Lost This Week: +4.8

BMI Lost This Week: +1.1

Total Pounds Lost: 21.2

Total BMI Lost: 3.4

% Weight Lost This Week: +1.4%

Total % Weight Lost: 5.8%

I feel a mixture of things.

In part, a nonchalant, "Well, there you have it" emotion ebbs and flows. A teensy bit of shame flits in and out of my conscience. A sense of justice, as in "Hello, my name is Consequences. Whaddup?" is standing firmly, arms crossed, staring me down. Finally, every now and again Little Miss "This WILL NOT STAND!" tries to make herself known, though her legs are far too weak to actually stand on and her screaming voice has fewer decibels than does the sound an inchworm makes on the pavement in the rain.

The thing is, I didn't count calories and I didn't exercise- ever- all last week. Add to that the fact that the TOM hit yesterday (the "average" woman gains 1-5 pounds during this lovely "period" of time) so really I just have to keep on keepin' on. I'm just frustrated spiritually- and emotionally- this week- Jesus is stirring everything up all at once and instead of finding it joyous I find it annoying and wish He'd just leave me alone. When that thought hits me square in the face it scares me, because I've seen people who have been allowed to pursue their own wicked desires (read Romans 1) and it's haunting. I don't REALLY want that. But it's not easy to see yourself, even in just a glimpse, for just how utterly pathetic and vile you really are when Jesus is the plumb line. To boot, the Lord isn't just revealing how sinful I am- He's testing and challenging me to overcome it and my initial response in each occurrence all week has been to kick and scream internally like a 4 year old at 6pm at the amusement park with no nap who just dropped their ice cream cone in the dirt and then their younger brother smeared it all over his just-changed shorts which made the parents extraordinarily happy with life, and the 4 year old accidentally let go of their helium balloon in the process and then their older sister got the stuffed panda while they were stuck with the stuffed cat when their dad won prizes at the shoot-stuff booth.

I hate cats.

You may wonder what my point is; fair enough. It's this: I have to choose obedience even though I absolutely don't want to and everything in me wants to run and hide in TV / internet / whatever and stuff my fat face with lots of food that will make me miserable, and mostly I just want to feel downright sorry for myself so that I can justify sinful behavior. It's a really great and mature Christian reaction to Jesus working in me, no?

It ain't pretty, but it's honest. So far I am doing ok regarding le foode- yesterday at lunch I was really miserable and had chili for lunch- not bad, being that it was a treat for one day this week, at 460 cal, and I was planning to use it on a rev-the-metabolism with more calories kind of day. But then, like a lustful man who looks a second too long at the high school girl in a bikini washing cars in the hot sun, I didn't tear my eyes away from the vending machine and thought that Doritos would add a nice texture to my chili suddenly became the most wonderful idea ever. Then I found an unwanted package of ranch from some random coworker's fast food salad in the freebie part of the fridge. Then I realized that, to be REALLY good, the chili should have another bag of Doritos. And I deserved it because I was miserable. So I ate the whole thing- 1,060 calories worth. And it didn't even taste that good. The only upside is I was 400 calories under on Monday so going 100 over yesterday still left me at a net loss for the week so far... but still. I know better. It's ridiculous.

All told, that's been my only real "If I eat this it's sin" moment this week. I logged 4,300 steps yesterday (Tuesday is my "off" day, so not bad) and plan to strength train tonight. I wish this funk of spiritual turmoil would clear, though. Usually I get excited when Jesus starts cleaning house in me. I'm not big into spiritual oppression ala "big bad Satan just won't leave me alone" but I wonder if some of this is from him... just the accusation after accusation part, where I am unworthy of Christ's redemption. Jason and I are starting to see and realize some of what God has for us regarding ministry and leadership and it's clear that the stakes are rising regarding how we live our lives and who we live them for. So it's not entirely unlikely that as Jesus makes life feel messy in the process of cleaning Satan is standing my whipping the trash right back in my face. Renders me ineffective and that's how he likes it.

I know this is kind of ramble-y, and it's about Jesus so my readership will likely drop another 20%, as it traditionally does when I start talking about Jesus... I should likely employ my pastor's method and start talking about sex a bunch so I can boost readership ;) ... but at the end of the day I just have to keep being real. This will be more meaningful to look back on, both for me and possibly others, if I am real, even if it's just to breathe a sigh of relief that I'm not quite as much of a loser as I used to be.

There's always hope, right?

Also, I need to just bust out of these dang 340's. I've been here far too long and it's time to give them a nice view of my ample backside as I waddle farther and farther away.

Do you ever feel like life just gets in the way?

I sure do. I am not even sure what it's getting in the way of, but it just is.

I'm proud to report that I am doing well on the track of honoring Jesus and being healthy- today. Actually, to be fair to myself, I did a decent job yesterday considering that it was J's birthday and we went out for pizza at an AWESOME new restaurant we just discovered (The Rock: Wood Fired Pizza for you Puget Sound-ites... why did we wait so long to try it? It's the coolest place ever, and great pizza to boot), and I made him a delicioso chocolate cake. I ate small, controlled amounts and didn't gorge mindlessly. Today I am doing a great job of writing things down, and I am already to 2,600 steps- normally I am not even there until I get home.

But I am stinking busy. My job just exploded with responsibility, and it's really hot. The AC apparently only works in half of the building. Ironically I used to be in that half but jumped at the chance for the better office- windows, better desk, bigger, etc. Now I am so hot and I get REALLY grouchy when I am hot. I just feel like I can't function. So I am fighting that, it's 2:38 and I am just now able to eat lunch, let alone take any sort of break, and I'm trying not to stress over the growing mountain of work.

Also, like a true culinary genius, I got soup from TJ's for lunch this week. SOUP. HOT FREAKING SOUP! So now I get to eat hot [read: freaking hot.] soup so that my rising temperature will just get all that much warmer. The problem with being so fat is that I finally bloated out enough about 2 years ago that my inner-elbow area starting getting angry red stretch marks, and I simply won't wear any shirt shorter than 3/4 length. Plus, I don't really have any professional (even semi-professional) capris or anything, and I hate wearing skirts (chubby people chafe when skin has no absorbant barrier for crowded inner thighs), and I am just too hot!

Oy. The deal here is that I recognize that these are all things that will make for good excuses to derail my efforts. Instead of eating small portions of leftover cake and ice cream I could eat a giant portion of each because "I deserve it after my day", and poor little me should rest and not have to exercise. So I can recognize this and confront it head-on by going home and exercising and counting every calorie I consume or I can ignore it and give into my traditional escapism methods of mindless eating and mindless TV watching.

I am choosing to recognize it, and fight on. Last week I robbed Molly of the opportunity to support and bless me with rewards, I robbed my husband and future children of a healthier wife/mother, I robbed myself of the chance to get out of this sickly cyclical sin (say THAT 10 times fast), and worst of all I sinned against Jesus when I committed myself just a week before to authentic surrender. I hate the roller coaster, but I refuse to unbuckle my seatbelt just yet.

Thanks for sticking with me this far- hopefully you aren't too dizzy or ready to hurl. I'd have blown chunks all over myself by now were I not, indeed, myself.

And that's that.

Starting Weight: 367(Circa Jan 15, 08)

Starting BMI: 57.5

Week 11: 342.0 (May 14, 08)

Week 11 BMI: 53.2

Pounds Lost This Week: 0

BMI Lost This Week: 0

Total Pounds Lost: 25.0

Total BMI Lost: 4.5

% Weight Lost This Week: 0%

Total % Weight Lost: 6.8%

I know, barfalufagus. So there are some reasons- one, I am crazy PMS-ing. Two, I went to a retreat for most of Friday and Saturday and it was junk foode fest 2008. Now, the good [goode?] news is that I was actually pretty controlled. I did have one extra piece of pizza for dinner Friday night (3 instead of 2) and a small portion of seconds on the sausage eggy casserole dish for breakfast, but this is much better than the 5-6 pizza slices and two heaping portions of casserole (even possibly thirds) I normally would have had. The good news is that I can honestly say I didn't want more, either, which is a good sign because, again, former porkface Tami would have thought about nothing but pizza if she limited herself to 2-3 pieces.

Additionally, I did a decent job with the snacks. I only ate a small portion of something I really wanted, instead of constantly grazing on things I don't even really like. Seriously, this is progress. On the downside, though, I still felt pretty crappy afterward. My body just isn't used to pizza, choco chip cookies (I only had 1 1/2 over two days! AMAZING for me), skittles (ok, I had literally two red ones), and the like.

I do have some updates regarding the last week. It seems that a time of spiritual conviction for me is always followed by the heat to see if I really meant it. And honestly, eating has been ok, but I've definitely seen myself trying to revert back to not having to think. I want to be able to snack while making dinner without the consistent, "Tami, eating that chocolate covered pretzel will be sin!" thoughts nagging at the back of my mind. Though, obviously, that's not REALLY what I want. But it's the constant facing of and battling down the issues that gets tiresome. Does anyone else feel this way? You just get tired. But I can't give in, and I won't give in. I just have to keep battlin' through.

I did have my first actual binge-type eating in quite awhile- Monday. I started out by measuring a serving of pistachios. And then I did my traditional "I get one that's fallen out of it's shell from the bag", which has never been a problem for me, but this time I just kept eating. And eating. And eating. I ate like 300 calories worth... ugh. I knew I needed to stop, and I just couldn't, and I couldn't figure out why. Then I went home and updated my TOM tracking and realized I was totally entering PMS land. I did feel a little bummed about something but I can't really say what yet. Just know that it regards professional, not personal, life. I think I felt a little hopeless and went into self punishment mode. Finally, I just stopped eating, put the bag away, and tried to focus on Jesus. Why do hormones have to make it SO STINKING HARD?

Next, dinner eating is a problem right now. I don't eat enough calories during the day, so I always have like 1,000 left for dinner and I just eat too much at night, which means I feel icky in the morning and don't eat enough calories at breakfast, which leads to not enough calories during the day, and... you get it. I need to plan for this in my weekly shopping budget, and I need to plan dinners that are filling and tasty but also easily split into bigger portions for mi esposa and smaller for me, and in a reasonable caloric range.

Last but not least... exercise has been all but dead. I just can't make myself do it. I haven't done a single lick this week. Part of this is that by the time I get home it's 6; because I like to cook from scratch dinner isn't done until between 7:30-8, and by then I am just done. I watch a show or two with Jason, go to bed, get up at 6:30, and start over. Exercise is just the last thing I want to do. And I know how to fit it in- I could do some weights while watching a show, etc. I just don't. Usually I have at least some desire to do it that outweighs the not wanting to, so hopefully this is related to the devil hormones in my body right now.

So... it's not all uplifting, but it's honest. Now, part of why I haven't written this week is that I am really trying to be more dedicated at work, to work unto God and not men (as in, God always sees me so no wasting time writing blog posts- too many 10 minute breaks have turned into 20 or 30 to type a blog post). With that, we're moving into Seattle (33 days and counting!) from our current suburban locale so there have been a lot of details to work out there when I do have a break. But I am sorry for just leaving you hanging for so long. I kept meaning to post... and then I just didn't. Part of it was the struggles with emotions and food and not wanting to write because, even when I don't want to, I always end up being honest about stuff.

Also, I meant to say this to any well-meaning person hopping on the rewards train (which I totally haven't earned this week, PS)-- I hate to sound picky, but even more than that I hate tea. Any kind. I pretty much only drink water, milk, and the occasion espresso or glass of orange juice. Literally. I should just say it now so it's not awkward later... and anyone who wanted to can send it anyway, I just don't know what would happen to it. Probably regift if it's yummy-looking, I can't lie.

Ok, enough rambling. Feel free to chastise, encourage, rant, rave, whatever. The good news is I still am not giving up, but try as I may I just can't seem to get this to be easy!

Once upon a time, in one of my many failed attempts to lose weight, my awesome friend Darla offered me some great advice. I ignored it. I mean, it truly was great advice. I just didn't put it into practice. I have now, kind of unintentionally.

Anyway, she gave me this tip re: shopping for groceries. When in the store, look for a person who is cute and fit and clearly is healthy and works out. Not just the sickly-Paris-Hilton (I really don't like her, if my blog posts are any evidence) skinny chick, but the cute girl in workout pants with her hair in a pony tail and tennis shoes that clearly do more than walk around Nordstrom. I suppose to be fair, for the males (hi, males) look for some lean guy... just don't make it look like you're checking him out. That could be awkward. Since my readers are heavily female (oh, the double entendre THERE) I'll stick with the chick analogy.

When you find this poster child of health, probably in one of the perimeter aisles, look and see what's in her cart. Chances are it will be fresh fruits and veggies galore, with whole-grain-this and organic-that. Cheetos? Probably not. Sorry, Britney, but Cheetos make you fat. They just do.

Because, clearly, Britney Spears reads my blog.

Anyway, the subject of your experiment might have a pint- not half gallon, but pint- of chocolate chip mint ice cream. You might go, "Whaaaaa?" when you see the ice cream, but chill out (I kill myself, really)-- she's reading labels and counting her calories. You might note that it's from organic milk and the cows were rBST free. It's still yumzo ice cream! No one can blame a girl for that, in moderation. We all have our thing.

Next, go to the middle aisles(second paragraph) of the store and find a person who... well, who you wouldn't want to trade bodies with. Unless you're like me, and you're the fattest person in the store. In that case, pick the next fattest person in the store. She's probably wearing a T-shirt that's way too big (who knew sizes went up that much, right?), elastic banded pants, and her hair is most certainly in an unkempt, frizzy half-pony tail and it's BEGGING for a brush. Basically, one glance causes you to think she's doing everything she can to just disappear. Too bad she takes up half the aisle, which makes invisibility rather difficult. But when you attempt to squeeze by without bumping into her ample arse, check out what's in her cart.

I'll quit being philosophical here and tell you a true story: last night, when shopping for our teriyaki chicken- no caps!- feast (to be fair, Jas actually had Asian fried rice) we were looking at the gourmet soups, which happen to be located in a little refrigerated kiosk in front of the deli. A woman was there, and I first noticed that she was dressed frumpily, wrinkled around the eyes enough to be in her early- to mid-30's, and pretty obese. I'm fatter, but she wasn't small by any means... I'd estimate her around 275. Without even meaning to, I glanced in her cart. It had 5 frozen pizzas (Totino's size, but still packing hella calories, fat- especially the horrible saturated kind, sodium and carbs!), frozen chicken nuggets, lasagna, ice cream, various sugary snacks, the whole deal. She was at the deli counter buying an entire box of fried chicken (which is compounded exponentially in the ew factor due to it being 9:30 at night and they were literally throwing everything else from the cholesterol-incubator away) and I knew without looking that she wasn't wearing a ring and definitely she'd go to her apartment where she lives alone and polish off the box... though I did check, and her finger was bare. Even worse, she also had a giant bag of cat litter. The poor woman is a walking cliche, a living, breathing punchline for fat people jokes around the world.

I guarantee you that her shopping cart will cause you to go put back those Pringles, and you'll probably en route yourself through the produce section where you can stock up on spinach, broccoli, and apples.

To think that I was that fat lady (granted, I am still fat, so my shopping cart must get people all kinds of confused) only a few months ago. Methinks it's a bit early to reminisce about the bad days and spark off on how different my life is now (maybe at 50 pounds lost... over halfway there), but I remember the horrible things I used to buy. I would get cardboard (aka frozen) pizzas... actually, pretty much 80% of my average shopping trip was frozen food and literally 95% processed food. I almost always bought an onion... I eat a lot of onions. But most stuff was mac & cheese, Hamburger Helper, chicken nuggets, etc. My various past roommates, all fairly healthy, must have been horrified.

The thing is, I actually feel really terrible for that woman. Not only is she empty and filling up on food, but she's sequestered herself into a lonely life. I don't doubt that she shops at night, when the store is mostly empty, on purpose- her garb made it clear that she wasn't coming straight from work. Straight from the couch, maybe, but definitely not a social gathering or work. And I know it sounds like I'm just ridiculing her, but really, I ache for her. I was her. At times I still am her, and that food will never, ever, ever meet the needs she's attempting to satisfy.

So, if you can do so without envying the cute, fit chick or without despising the fat lady, really pay attention when you shop. And then be that person who will inspire the lady trying to feed her desperation for Jesus with Coke and Oreo's to go put the junk back on the shelf, right where it was in the middle of the store at eye level.

Side note: Sometimes people here in hippie-granola-birkenstock-Subaru Seattle give me weird looks when I show up in Trader Joe's or on the rare trip to Whole Foods (too dang expensive!). I can't wait to freak people out at the Ballard Farmer's Market on Sundays when we move there (starting in June). I just ignore people- I'm letting Jesus change me, I've lost 26 pounds and counting, I deserve to shop at healthy food stores and keep getting more fit, and to be blunt, it's just none of their concern why I have the audacity to shop even though I'm a fat chick. That's just life.

Lest any of you think that last week's amazing 5 pound weight loss has changed me... tonight was an utter abomination.

Last night I was so frustrated with our new (to us) laptop because out of nowhere it just totally and completely froze mid-sentence in a new blog post. I did the traditional wait of a few minutes to let the computer get itself together. Nope. Just stuck in time. No ctrl-alt-del for this freeze- absolutely dead. Zero degrees Kelvin. I was frustrated at the dang computer so I had to do the hard reboot, where you hold the power button down for five seconds. That said, though it wasted some time in my life, once the computer rebooted and got everything together I was able to post my pics and the short post from last night and get on with life. I was fine and you all finally have the pictures and life simply kept going.

There is quite the analogous connection here to my life. The last two weeks haven't been great. I've been dealing with demons, yes, as per my recent post. But I have been frozen, both with the numbers on the scale and with my dedication to my goals. I find myself giving in to the temptations, and I have been reattaching the chains once bound to my feet, shackling me to sin and death. I worked out only once last week- Monday, because I had a personal training appointment. I didn't eat terribly, but I didn't track my calories and I think I was ok but I honestly just don't even know how I did. Yesterday I woke up feeling terrible (actual physical ailments), had to stay home from church for the second week in a row, and spent the day on the couch. I was in genuinely terrible shape physically, but still... Jason had to clean the kitchen, Jason has to do laundry today in the midst of a million other things, and Jason had to take care of pretty much everything. This eats at him and makes me irritable and just isn't great.

I dealt with this in a real mature way yesterday- I decided I wanted a few cat cookies (they're these crunchy ginger flavored cookies from Trader Joe's that are decently healthy and so yummy) but Jason had eaten them all the night before when he stayed up later than me because I basically picked an argument with him. This made me upset with him for eating the cookies, and to get back at him I ate the rest of the ice cream and leftover chocolate sauce (basically melted chocolate chips with heavy cream for dipping strawberries in). I really don't know why I ate it, because I didn't even really want it. It wasn't like trying to curb a craving. I know that deep down I was feeling bad about me so I was actually punishing myself. Nonetheless, just thinking about eating it made me feel so horrible that I threw up- it wasn't even binging, just general queasiness that led to me with my head over the toilet.

Last night, for whatever reason, we also decided to have Jason bring home this dessert-y chocolate chip calzone thing. I really don't know why, since we haven't done anything like that since our first 3 months of marriage when I packed on 40 pounds last year. The worst part is that after 1 bite I realized that it didn't taste very good. So what did I do?

Eat the whole thing (well, my half at least).

Probably 800 calories worth.

Granted, we ate a light dinner in anticipation. And I likely stayed under my 2,600 since getting sick from the ice cream also caused me to un-deposit my lunch. But that's still 800 empty calories of sugar and fat and I feel like crud this morning. I had to force down an oatmeal and I just feel blech.

In addition to utterly ridiculous food and (lack of) exercise choices, I'm dealing with other stuff. Last week I randomly stumbled across the opportunity to be a nanny for a family in the area where Jason and I are moving to in June. It was less hours, only 4 days a week, and almost $100 more a week than I make now- almost as much as I'd make if I were teaching. I was set to go meet the family Wednesday, and I was feeling really good about it and getting increasingly excited about the prospect. I got an e-mail late last night telling me that the family met someone this weekend and are hiring them and that I didn't need to come Wednesday. That was just a big unexpected blow. It wasn't even related to my weight- they'd never met me yet. Honestly, I think I was a little overqualified, being that I have a teaching degree. But still... it was just depressing. I felt so rejected because I was excited about that job opportunity. Add that to the issues with being lame regarding my weight loss goals and I just felt myself getting into a downward spiral.

Not to mention that with all of this I have been grouchy and snappy and argumentative with my husband. Plus, the non-working out funk has seen me mostly setting up shop in front of the TV all night. This means things around the apartment haven't been getting done. Also, I find that when I have my time in the Bible in the mornings it's really just words on a page. There's no connection to what I'm reading. I usually can't even remember what I read 5 minutes later. I mean, I can tell you I read Isaiah 61 &62 but I can't remember what they were about, save for maybe the "money verses" that I know are in chapter 61 without looking at a Bible. But even then, the words had no meaning. Interesting how my refusal to obey Christ, to allow Him any authority, suddenly makes His Word seem void and dull. This is especially tough because Jas and I had to make a tough decision to leave a Bible study we were in (long story, but suffice it to say that it is connected to the church we left, and we stayed in this group primarily because of the people in it whom we love) and this caused issues in said relationships that have been pretty tough on me (and Jason) emotionally.

So... I'm not eating well, not working out, not getting off my butt and not turning off the TV, not treating my husband well, not upholding my end the covenant I made to him in marriage, not connecting spiritually with Jesus, not handling emotional issues regarding possible loss of friendships and job rejection, not really doing anything I should be doing and doing many things I shouldn't.

The last two weeks have been like my frozen computer. I've just been stuck. I was doing so well, working out and counting calories and being dedicated to getting this area of my life under Christ's authority. Then, suddenly, for apparently no reason I just froze and couldn't seem to do a simple ctrl-alt-del to get myself going again. It took seeing how my sin affects my husband and my marriage, and ultimately my relationship with God, to just snap me out of it. I require a hard reboot. I have to be honest on this blog about it, and I have to just get it out there so the shame doesn't drive me back to food.

Community is incredible here. First, I was so encouraged by the wonderful comments many of you left last Friday. Thank you so much, and my honest desire is that my willingness to be real will exhort you, and that your willingness to tell it like it is to me will exhort me. That was incredibly encouraging to me. Also, I went to Fat Fighter Blogs (the button is that bee picture over on on the right; it will take you to the website) which is a community of people all working to lose weight and get fit. Some blogs are better than others. A great one I found, though, is this one:

ExFatGirl

She is a lot like me- late 20's, married, wants to be able to have babies, a teacher (be it my current occupation or no, that's what I am in my heart), and started at 400 pounds. Her build is similar, in that while she's 3" shorter than I am she has a lot of muscle mass. I cannot get over how frustrated I was watching The Biggest Loser, with girls who look the same as me, yet who weighed over 100 pounds less. She sounds much the same. Anyway, she's lost 135 pounds since she started almost exactly a year ago. This is incredibly encouraging to me, because I feel so bummed out and stuck at 20. I'm actually going to work on reading through her old blogs from when she started out, just to get more encouragement. Something tells me that if she can do this, I can do this.

So, bringing it all full circle, I've been paralyzed the last two weeks, stuck and not moving ahead. But I am rebooting. This matters too much. I want a clean apartment, a healthy marriage, a healthy relationship with Jesus, a healthy body, healthier emotions, and, most of all, to be able to check in at my one year mark of starting this and to find that I actually have lost a lot of weight and my life is changing. I can do this, I will do this, and today is a new day to shut everything off and start over. And just like last night wasted a few minutes of my life while the laptop was frozen and then I rebooted, these last two weeks were a bit of a waste, but they are done and I don't have to live in them.

Today I am on track so far with food, I have a training session tonight, and overall my attitude is much better. Here's to fresh starts.