Showing posts with label good foode habits. Show all posts

... 'til you're better
      you will never
        come at all

[Come Ye Sinners, as performed by Ex Nihilo]

I'm finally ready to write, just a little bit.

First; I have referred to this song before and it's goodness, so check it out here .

Secondly... I wish I had the words to explain the work that's going on in my heart.  I can't quite describe it.  Like, I can write about it, but I feel like unless you have had a similar work done in your heart you'd have no idea what I am talking about.  You can think you know what it means, imagine what I must be referring to, but your ability to truly identify with what I have to say would be so limited in scope that it would be almost pointless to try.  It's akin to being pregnant and giving birth... I have never done either, so I can try to imagine it based on what I know from study and observation and report, but until I do it myself I will never be able to relate to a new mom and truly understand what she means when she says to hold her child is inexplicable.  This is how I feel about what is happening in me.  No one but those who have been in this same place can begin to grasp what I mean and just as a woman who has never had a baby can only attempt to empathize with a new mom a person cannot understand this transformation.

I don't mean that in a harsh way... I just mean that what I am going to say may sound familiar, same ol' same ol', but the explosion of the gospel in my heart cannot be contained by mere words, nor could it even if my vocabulary were to be expanded one million fold.  I am not seeking to alienate anyone, just trying to cast at least a shadow on the weight and gravity of what I am about to say.

So, I'll get to it.

I have been a Christian for 10 and a 1/2 years, fully believing that Jesus Christ died to take the punishment for my sins and restore me to relationship with God.  That said... I feel that for 10 and a 1/2 years I have completely missed the point of Christianity, full-on blown it with regards to what the Gospel is.  I was a Christian, for sure, but (and do forgive this horrible analogy) it's like I was a cheerleader who joined the cheer squad and stood there and did the routines, knew the cheers and believed that being a cheerleader is a great and wonderful thing to be, felt honored to have been chosen for the team, yet never understood that the point of a cheerleading squad is to LEAD the spectators in CHEERS so as to encourage them to be involved in the ____[insert various ball type] game.  I have been a Christian yet missed the purpose in being one; I've cheered away but didn't realize that it's not about cheering, it's about engaging others in the ball game... and they are there for the ball game, not the cheerleaders, which is another crucial point I missed.

Here's the deal- this will get kind of theological.  Some of you will go, "Ugh, Bible, gross."  Others will start to skim, thinking, "I have heard all this before... blah blah blah, get to the stuff I don't know."  I know this because I am the exact same way (on both accounts depending on the day, sadly) but I ask you to pause long enough to really read what I'm saying.  It all needs to be a complete package and the personal stuff, the "stuff you don't know", will be meaningless on its own.

So here's the thing: God created everything that is in existence.  He created humankind (man first, Adam, then woman, Eve) in His image.  The world was perfect, and He loved the man and woman fully and completely, and they both walked with Him in complete trust of His goodness and awe of His might and power.  Enticed by Satan, Even chose to disobey God and eat of the fruit, and Adam was right there with her and ate of it, too.  This is how sin entered the world- basically, Adam and Eve succumbed to the temptation offered by the serpent to be like God, to know good and evil.  In this, they chose to try and make themselves equal, even attempting to be superior, to God Himself.  Long story short, ever since that horrible day humankind has made countless choices, as individuals, races, corporations, families, couples, etc., to try and be God.  Thus the story of sin.

Most of you, whether you consider yourself a Christian or not, have heard this, and you're thinking, "Ok, so even if it's true... this is all pretty 'duh'.  Four year olds in Sunday school hear this story."  You're right- most of us have heard the story seemingly a gazillion times and we think we get it.  I thought I did.

I really didn't.

See, God hates sin.  He has every right to hate sin, because He's good.  There is no evil in Him at all.  He passionately loves every single human being- even the most deplorable one you can think of, even the most annoying person you have ever met- and He knew that mankind would choose sin.  Our hearts are set constantly on evil, and we are enemies of God.  God has wrath- full on hatred and punishment- for sin, and sin leads to death.  As a result, Jesus Christ came to Earth, never sinned, and was killed by God on the Cross receiving the punishment and wrath of God for every sin ever committed- even the sin of rejecting that Jesus died for you, the sin of thinking that you are still God.  Jesus received that punishment.

Again, this all sounds routine.  I have believed this.  But I missed the point- it's not some meaningless story to repeat from rote memory.  I have never believed, nor even began to comprehend, the character of God.

See, God is good.  Full on perfect.  He is capital "L" Love.  When He nailed Jesus to the Cross it wasn't because He is cruel.  It was Love perfected and personified, allowing you and I the opportunity to have restored relationship with Him.  The Father God so longs for relationship with you and me that He allowed Himself to live as a human, to identify with every pain and hurt and temptation and desire that you and I have as humans, and then to die the most atrocious death imaginable at that time.

Caveat here: how many people have you heard say stuff like, "That's just my cross to bear"??  It's BS! We have no idea what that even means.  In our culture it would be akin to a girl whining about how her mother-in-law calls her son (thus, the girl's husband) every Saturday for an hour, and how it "ruins her life" and then she says, "Ah, well, that's just my Auschwitz, my Holocaust, to bear."  Do you see the severity?  Death by crucifix was meant to not just kill the person but completely humiliate them and annihilate their will to live, just as the Holocaust was a very intentional plan to crush the Jews in every way- physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, sexually, everything.  There is not a single thing that you or I are facing in this life that we would liken to being our personal Holocaust, nor should we do as such with the Cross.

So the deal is that the gospel seems fairly simple- God made man(kind) perfect, man sinned, man hated God, but God still loved man completely but there was no possible way for man to be restored to relationship with God and so God died for man.  Any man who believes this, that Jesus Christ was sinless and His death on the cross is the only way to be restored to relationship with God (and thus the only way to a: have purpose in this life and b: go to heaven) is redeemed, their sin forgiven, and they are a Christian.

Again... I thought I understood all this.  And, to an extent, I did.  But what comes after that?  The Bible is pretty clear- we are still sinners.  The only differences are that we now have the ability and option to not live enslaved to sin and that when we die and stand to face judgment from God for our sin Jesus Christ says, "No, this one is mine; judge Me instead."  God sees that Jesus already received the punishment for sin via death on the cross, so we get to spend eternity in heaven.

It's tough because how then is life different?  This is where I was tripped up.  See, I saw life as me on a road to some fabulous destination.  Like, the road I was on SUCKED and then I met Jesus and suddenly the road should get really smooth and wonderful because Jesus makes life perfect.  All this time I have been continually frustrated by, if you will, the potholes and proverbial bumps in said road.  Isn't Jesus supposed to fix this?  The Bible speaks of love, joy, peace, power... on and on.  So why does the road still suck and I never seem any closer to my destination of my ideal life?

I would submit that most Christians feel this way.  If you aren't a Christian, don't believe the lie that if you accept Jesus then "everything will get better".  It won't.  The world is still filled with sin and you will still deal with sin others commit that hurts you, sins you commit that hurt you, the inexplicable pain and suffering that seems unrelated to sin (say, a flood destroys your home and one of your children die in the process)... all of this still happens.  Salvation is not a magic wand that makes life easy.

What's the point, then, right?  Why not live however I want and say eff off to God but then say a quick, "Oh, I believe in you, Jesus" right before I die?  A: You don't know when you'll die  B: You don't choose Jesus, He chooses you and C: When you are in relationship with Christ and truly grasp the meaning of the Gospel life doesn't get easy but it suddenly becomes inexplicably good.

The deal is, I've been stuck on C.  I keep expecting easy, mistaking good to mean comfortable.  In the process I have worshiped idols instead of God.  He hasn't made life easier, so I've made my desires for an easier life into god and I have pursued them. I have been angry with God that my husband is losing his job despite being an incredibly hard worker... he works to honor God, so why isn't God honoring him?  I've been angry with God that my addiction to food hasn't magically disappeared.  I want to honor God by treating my body as a temple so why hasn't He changed my desires to let me do that?

The list is endless.  I'm only just now realizing that I have been worshiping idols and thinking they are God.  Yeah, I've written about idols before, but I thought that recognizing them was enough, that I just needed to realize what my sin issues were and then I could suddenly wave my Jesus wand and they'd start to diminish.

What I've failed to realize is that the problem is not my idols.  My problem is not overeating.  It's not laziness. It's not gossip nor being critical nor disrespecting my husband with my incessant need to be right nor my suffocating desire to be preferred, favorite, loved.  None of those, nor the never ending list of all of my other sins, are my problem.

My problem is my theology.  I don't have a correct view of God.  I can see how God has been doing a work for over 8 months now, to bring me to the place where I am right in these last few days.  God is truly good.  He absolutely loves me.  God is jealously passionate about me, and He has the right to be because He is the giver of life.  The God of this universe is so in love with me that He nailed His own Son to a crucifix, poured  all the fury and wrath He has toward sin out onto His own Son, His perfect Son who never sinned and was God Himself, simply so that I- truly the worst of all sinners, constantly choosing to be God's enemy and hating Him because I want to be God- might have the opportunity to enjoy a relationship with God the Father, both here on Earth for the quick exhale that is life and then for eternity in Heaven.

God is a Father.  A perfect, good, loving Father.  The Gospel author Luke says this in his book (The Gospel of Luke) in chapter 11, verses 11-13:

11 What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; 12 or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

The gravity of this never hit me before.  I thought, "Meh, yeah, God's not a jerk.I get it.  Whatever."  But I have accused God of being a jerk!  I have assumed that things I thought were bad (the loss of a job, sexual abuse, an emotionally closed-off and critical mother, my obesity, etc) were either a punishment from God for my sin or because He's a jerk who doesn't really love me.  When I sinned, returning again and again to food for love and comfort like a dog returning to eat its own vomit, I blamed God- well, He's the one not taking my evil desires away.  When I lashed out at my husband because deep down I don't believe that he really can get a good job that will provide for our family, I blamed God- YOU are the one who could stop ignoring Jason's efforts to honor you in his work ethic and not allowing him to get a job so, really, God, you are the reason I am so frustrated.  Mind you, I never thought it so clearly in my head.  I tidied it up with excuses like, "I don't want to be this way but I can't help it because [pick your poison-- a: it's who I am.  b: I was hurt.  c: I just want good things God, like raising Godly children and nothing ever works out for me! d: on and on...]"

What I am realizing, after almost 11 years of thinking I knew what it means to be a Christian, is that God truly is good.  The Bible says that God disciplines those He loves (I think it's in Proverbs but my neck is cramping and I need to wrap up soon so you can Google it!), and while God does allow things to happen in my life, He is NEVER the cause of sin nor is He to blame when a trial He has brought into my life is the temptation that brought on my sin.  Sin is bound up in my heart and every other human's hearts- we want to be like God.  We think we are wiser, have a better plan, and know what's best for ourselves (and everyone else, mind you).  God allows trials- from the sin of others to natural disasters to the consequences of our own sin to unprovoked suffering unrelated to sin, like an illness or loss of a child, to even blessing- in our lives because they are meant to drive us to our knees in recognition of our need to allow God to be our only God.

God is jealously pursuing us, trying to show us His character so that we will yearn for and desire Him, thus allowing Him to be our God.  This is a good thing, because He is the only One who grants our lives meaning and peace and joy.  Not of the cheesy balls variety, but of the kind that transforms a life such that the desire to sin, to try and be god, is lessened because we see the emptiness and death it brings.  The non-Christian has no choice but to always choose sin.  The Christian has a sinful heart but God also creates a new man with new desires, the desire to please God, the desire to worship, honor, and obey Him.

I've been so stuck because I've been trying to fix myself.  I've focused so much on the "turning from" sin that I just turn to another sin.  Rather, I need to focus on the "turning to" and turn to God.  I can't even choose to turn to Him- this is a work that God is doing in me, allowing me to better understand His character and to finally desire to honor Him out of worship and not because I just wanted my problems fixed.

I feel like, despite all of these words, I've not even touched on the work the Lord is doing in me.  But, for the first time in my Christian life, I'm starting to learn what it means to desire God, and it's not something I manufactured in an attempt to fix myself nor is it because someone else laid out the steps.  It's true redemption.  For the first time I am praying throughout the day not because I should, but because I actually long to be intimate with my Father, so share every thought with Him.  I actually long to spend time in His word, to read it with fresh eyes and a soft heart, to meet with Him and hear from Him, and not because it's something I am supposed to do.  I am seeking to serve my husband, not because it will make him feel like he has a good wife, but because it is my honor as his wife to serve him.  I'm consistently asking God to make me aware of my own selfishness, not so I can feel like a good person, but because I have lived 27 years trying to make my life comfortable and easy and less painful and I've only been miserable... so I'm asking God to help me recognize and repent from my selfishness because I want to live for His glory.

I can boast in these things because I have nothing to do with it-- it's all due to the work of Jesus Christ, His grace in pursuing me, and His mercy in empowering me by the Holy Spirit to surrender.

This all does very much have to do with this here Foode Fight:

You might notice on the Foode Log that I've been on track as far as eating, even eating well under on my calories.  There's no magic wand.  I'm just discovering that as I cry out to Jesus in my desperate need for Him  my desire to self-medicate, to bow down in idolatry to food for comfort and satisfaction, is revealed for the misery and death it is.  I'm able to recognize the temptation, and to see that I can either choose sin or I can surrender to Jesus and believe that worshiping God is better than the sin.    Jesus has been faithful to give me the power to surrender by the power of the Holy Spirit.  He (the Holy Spirit) has allowed me to notice myself mindlessly putting a bite in my mouth, and had to work through the urge to go to the kitchen to eat when I first get home (from dinner, ironically), etc, and He's truly been a Helper in providing the way out of such temptations.  My desires are changing- I desire Jesus Christ more than I desire sin.

Do you see the difference?  I've been trying, for various reasons, to fix myself and stop overeating.  I have been frustrated and have failed.  This isn't a "before I thought I was trying but now I really get it!" post.  I could still fail miserably.  I could start to choose sin and hit the repeat button on my failure cycle.  I pray, though that this is a time when I truly change, not so that I can lose weight, but so that I can begin to fathom how deep, how wide, how high the love of God really is, that I will believe His love is better than life (or food or security or escape or avoiding pain) and that I'll continue to know what it means to live the more abundant life-- Oprah's "Best Life" is a bunch of bunk.  If that's the best you can get without Jesus, so be it, but the more abundant life has been long-sought after as a basis for a generic copy and it never works.  The authentic model is the only one that does, and I pray I'll continue to pursue Jesus, that He will increase and I will decrease.

More will certainly come, and hopefully I'll be less exhausted (and, as such, more coherent) when it does.  Until then, I pray you are well and that you are in amazement and awe of our Holy God.

[Let It Snow]

It's crazy snowy here.

Seattle + Snow = City Shuts Down

Seriously- I was one of like 6 people who had to show up at work today.  It was crazy, driving down a main arterial at rush hour and seeing two other cars.  Usually there'd be two cars close enough for me to touch them if I leaned out of my car far enough!

I don't have any pics (forgot my camera this morning, dang it!) but you can check out these various links, from the general (Seattle Times) to the hyper-local (Greenwood blog, though I live in the Green Lake neighborhood, but really they're almost the same; Ballard, the third link, is where I hope we eventually buy a house.  It's like 10 minutes from my current neighborhood but I LOVE it there!).  Anyway, maybe I'll take some pics tomorrow.  Until then, you can see how nutty we are about a snow day around here:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/home/index.html

http://www.phinneywood.com/

http://www.myballard.com/

The good news, btw, is that though the roads were extremely frightful and my Ghettro wasn't exactly made for snow.  I grew up in the mountains and I can handle it; plus, the husband (lovely man, really) camped out with the laptop and free wi-fi at Les Schwab yesterday for 9- yes, NINE- hours to get new all-season tires put on said Ghettro, so that helped.  I didn't even come straight home from work- I went to Fred Meyer to do a little Christmas shopping.  The only scary part was actually parking at home, because we live on a very steep hill and coming down that hill was not fun, what with the road being, literally, a sheet of ice.

I do have to say that the snow is actually kind of really fun.  Like, I hate the cold and the winter, and I live in Seattle because the temps are usually in the 40's in the Winter, 60's in the Spring and Fall, and 70's-80's in the Summer.  AKA climate PERFECTION.  Spokane, on the eastern border of WA and where I lived for 5 years after college, was much more temperate and they almost always have decent amounts of snow in the winter (though they got a record 30 inches in 24 hours yesterday!  Oy stinking VEY!).

The deal is that it's kind of fun, though, because some 80% (total guess, I can't lie!) of my Facebook friends live in either the Seattle area or Spokane, so it's been fun to peruse the gazillion photos people have posted of the crazy snow.  It's kind of a cool feeling, being bonded over the shared experience.  And seeing kids sledding down the roads no one dare drive on was pretty cool, too.  Oh, and best of all- my sexy JasFace used some pool deicing stuff after shoveling our sidewalks so ours are the only clear ones on the block- pretty sweet :)

Anyway... rather uneventful day.  I didn't eat enough- I was so caught up in conversation (both of my employers were home today, since one works from home mostly and the other had a snow day and didn't have to go to work; mutual friends brought over their baby and it was really fun!) that I only ate one small piece of pizza and then forgot to eat more, and by 4pm I was SO FREAKING HUNGRY.  Dinner was healthy, though- simple rice with a wee bit of Tamari sauce (gluten free equivalent of soy sauce, basically) and a chicken breast grilled on a grill pan on the stove with salt and pepper to flavor- perfect!  So tasty. The 4 almond rocas and 2 servings of chocolate and 4 pieces of candy (Applets and Cotlets, for you Washingtonians) were not so healthy though... meh.

I'm mostly just rambling and I feel like I had better things to say but I can't remember them now, so I'll just be done now :)

[I Will Follow You Into The Dark, Death Cab For Cutie]

Tonight's dinner was DELICIOUS.  'Twas simple, too.  I cut up a few chicken breasts (boneless and skinless, of course), chopped up an onion and some garlic, and began cooking it in a TB or two of e.v. olive oil.  Meanwhile, some rice was on the back burner doing it's thang with water.  After a coupla minutes I added salt & pepper (we get the grind-it-yourself... I wanted to say "grind-it-yo-damn-self" there... funny... kind from Costco. I highly recommend this.) and then a cup or three- I didn't measure- of chicken stock.  I let that reduce for a few minutes, maybe more like 8, and then added four heaping TB of tasty Costco Kirkland Signature pesto.  I love that stuff.

At this point I realized it was more of a pesto soup than a pesto sauce so I mixed up two heaping TB of corn starch in 4 or so ounces of cold milk (that's the trick- did y'all know that?  Hot liquid + corn starch = Lumpy like a rumpled fanny) and added that.  Then I added about 1/2 cup finely chopped walnuts and about 3/4 cup feta... yummy!  I let it simmer for about 3 minutes while I prepared some fresh, organic flat leaf parsley and thyme.

Here's the final product:

It's night and slightly raining, btw.  And, for any newbies, I live in Seattle.  Actual Seattle, not the 'burbs.

Night... slightly raining... Seattle... Death Cab...  Love it.

[Permanent, David Cook]

Tonight I wasn't able to go to Community Group; Jason has a nasty cold and I can feel my body trying to fight it off.  I came home to drink lots of OJ, take an Airborne, and hopefully I'll get to bed early and get a ton of sleep. I really need to not get sick.  I've been avoiding contact with J (totally SUCKS!) so as to try and not get his germs, washing my hands all the time, and just so trying to not get sick.

The deal is, the family I nanny for is going back east for Thanksgiving, and they're leaving Saturday.  It would just be cruel to get the little bug sick and then have his parents trying to fly across the country with a sick baby.  Not cool.  I'm doing my best to not rub my eyes and then touch him, etc.

So that's that.  Eating has been going really well.  I've figured out a few ways to stay on track.  For one, I know I am a sweet eater.  I can snack on 3,500 calories (a pound!) worth of crap and junk and not feel satisfied.  If I just eat a sweet- usually chocolate- I am satisfied.  Last week it was so hard because there were lots of treats where I nanny, healthy ones even, but they were all earmarked and not ok for me to eat.  I wanted to eat and eat and eat and eat.  I chose not to snack on a bunch of stuff (funny that I just said that, because Jillian is yelling at Michelle about choosing not to quit on The Biggest Loser right now), but I don't know how long I would hold up under that kind of pressure.

So, the sweet solution (bad pun, I know) I came up with is to bring some treat of my own.  I brought my new and favorite (and much beloved!) Skinny Cow ice cream cones.  They should totally pay me, by the way.  Meh.  The other thing is that I have been back on a milk kick (if you know me, you know that I LOVE milk.  Seriously.  LOVE it.  I've been trying to not drink so much, though.) and I have a serving size- one serving size!- with my lunch.  The milk tends to run out at work so I decided to bring my own quart- I purchased organic milk and it is AMAZING.  We can't afford to get it all of the time yet (we buy milk at Costco; I know you can get two gallons at Safeway for the same price but it tastes icky to me.  I like Costco milk.) but it's a great treat with lunch each day.

Anyway, I actually do have a point here :)  There was a day last week where I went to get my glass of milk, it was gone, and it triggered the desire to just eat and eat and eat whatever I could get my chubby paws on.  Once again, I didn't give in and I was "good", but what if next time that happens I'm having a rough day or I'm PMS'ing- a time when rational choices seem to fade into the mist- and I'm simply not as strong?  I need to set myself up to succeed and do whatever I can to avoid failure, thus my treats and milk.

My mind has really been ruminating on obesity.  What is it that causes some of us to turn to food?  To become addicted to it?  Why do some people always struggle to put down the fork or not put the junk in the shopping cart?  How come some people use food as their drug and other people turn to actual drugs or unhealthy relationships or hurting themselves?  Why do some people punish themselves with starvation and others with bingeing?

I don't have any answers.  I mean, some girls who are sexually abused get addicted to attention and affection from boys and others, like me, turn to food for comfort.  I have friends who love to exercise and run; why do I hate it so much?  Why don't I love exercise and see food as just a pleasure to enjoy in moderation?  Do I blame my upbringing?  Am I genetically predisposed?  I don't know.

I hate that people probably see me as weak.  I don't know what it is like to not struggle with obesity and I can't imagine what people who don't know this fight must think of me.  I hate to be a stereotype.  I don't feel like I am that fat person I see in the mirror... I wish the mirror would reflect who I feel I am.  Not that I think I am beautiful, but I don't feel like the 350 pound fat lady.  I know I am, but just last week I was walking around at work and I thought to myself, "I feel like a normal sized person.  Only when I see my ass waddle as I walk by a mirror do I realize that I am totally and completely huge."

Anyway.

A sidenote about The Biggest Loser-- has anyone else noticed that, generally speaking, the show seems to be gravitating toward prettier and prettier girls?  Like, they're fat to start, but once they lose weight they totally fit our culture's standards of beauty.  I'm not saying pretty fat girls don't deserve to get thin, too, but it seems a little unfair.  I think the only female on tonight's show that isn't basically gorgeous, despite the weight, is Vicki. No offense to her.  Everyone else is so pretty.  Seriously, Coleen is GORGEOUS and it was obvious when she was 218 pounds that if she lost even 50 or so pounds (not out of the ordinary) she'd be totally hot.  Honestly, it's so sad, but I think that the producers know that no one wants to watch a show where women lose weight but still aren't pretty.

This is so tragic.  It's not enough in this world to lose weight and get a thin body- you also have to have a pretty face to feel valuable and worthy.  It's hard enough to be fat in this world, but the subliminal message that you also have to have been born with a face considered beautiful by our cultural standards to be a person deserving of love is pretty sad.

This brings up a secret fear- I don't really know what my face looks like under all of this fat.  I know that my profile is really flat and that I was called "owl face" in the sixth grade.  What if I work so hard and I get gastric bypass and I do lose 200+ pounds and my body even responds well and my skin isn't all flabby but I don't have a pretty face?  How sad might that be?  I'm not saying it's reason enough to give up on this battle, but I would be lying if I neglected to admit the times when I felt like I won't ever be pretty, regardless of weight, so I might as well just do the easy thing and eat what I want and be fat.

Ultimately, my worth is in Jesus and who He says I am, what He says I am.  Totally valued, completely loved, altogether cherished, of inherent worth.  Even if I don't lose a single pound more in my lifetime this will remain true, though I'll have to deal with the ramifications of sin.  I believe the Bible and what I know in my heart to be true, that I am loved and accepted by the God of this entire existence as we know it.  Still, I find myself torn.  I want to be loved and accepted by people, too.  At my size, and possibly with this face, I'll never get it, but I still want to be thought of as beautiful.  You ladies know this battle- to be complimented on character is never enough.  We want people to see us and gasp at how gorgeous we are.

I sometimes have flitting daydreams of people from my past seeing me and being astounded at how I look, some 200 pounds less of me to impress them.  This is, I think, why I fear seeing anyone now because I'm so fat, fatter than most remember me and I was plenty fat back when I last saw them, so fat that I just think they'll be disgusted and reject all of me, "inner beauty" along with my despicable exterior.

Body image.  Seriously, it's messed up.  For all of us.

[Black Balloon, Goo Goo Dolls]

Today:

First, the downside.  Today Jason and I cleaned out our entire home of all products containing gluten.  There will be some pics later.  But, the deal is, after I planned out our meals for the week I went shopping at a small local chain that carries a lot of local, healthy, organic products.  It's like Whole Foods, but local and way better.  I purchased many healthy foods; in fact, you get to see our tasty dinner later via pic.

The deal is, I bought two moderately unhealthy items- some barbecue chips (for Jason's lunches) and some organic, gluten free ice cream.  I had just purchased a heck ton of fresh produce and was trying to find a gluten free chip for Jason (again, one of two unhealthy items purchased out of about 20 items), totally minding my own business, when a guy walked by, said, "WHOA!!!" in a very loud voice, and totally pulled me out of my reverie.  I looked up just in time to see him going around the corner, and could hear him say, "Did you SEE her?", in a very condescending voice.  He then said something else that I couldn't hear but I could hear him and his male friend laughing.

That hurt.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, kind of wanting to cry, and pissed, all at once.  I had to remind myself that I have every bit as much of a right to shop there, at a health food store, as anyone else.  I have had way more ugly, mean, and judgmental looks for being a fat person buying food at health food stores than I ever have at "normal" stores.  The thing is, I had a great conversation with a sweet girl who was buying 3 gallons of honey to make homemade wine.  As I was thinking about this, I realized that the rude looks (and sometimes comments) are rarely from the people who true hippies.  Instead, it's the "we're trying to be cool" hipsters who look down their noses at me.  Interesting.

And, freaking eh, if you want to hate on fat people, at least go point and laugh at fat people at the McDonald's line.  Because there, at least, I could be like, "Yeah, you're right, I am fat and making really bad choices."  But at the health food store, nay a processed food in my cart?  But, really, I have to focus on myself and my health and let the haters hate because, honestly, they must seriously hate themselves if they have to hurt someone else to feel good about who they are.

That was the down side of today.  The good news is that it wasn't even that painful to lose all of our gluten infused foods.  Check out the haul that we are giving away (hopefully to you, Rachface!):

It's not super easy to see everything, but there's a whole lotta stuff there.  Unopened bags of flour, organic pasta, whole wheat flour that was crazy expensive, cakes and soups... oy.

But the great news is that we had a delicious dinner.  I made some amazing fried chicken.  I used some sorghum flour, kosher salt, paprika, curry, granulated garlic, and chipotle powder for the breading, which I coated the chicken with after an egg wash.  We have an electric skillet so I can regulate the temperature; if you keep the temp at 350 when you fry chicken then it absorbs very little oil; I used canola oil, too, so it was pretty dang tasty.  It was not greasy at all, which was amazing!  As a side  I made this creamy polenta, slightly modified- I used sour cream instead of creme fraiche.  It was SO good!  I also made roasted acorn squash- I just sliced it up, coated it with olive oil, sprinkled over some kosher salt, and balsamic vinegar.  'Twas tres tastee.

Here are two pics; the first has a flash, which allows a good look at the chicken and squash but washes out the polenta.  The second is flash free, so you can see the polenta much better, but it doesn't do much for the chicken and squash.  remember that you can click on the pics for a much larger view.  Anyway, it was pretty healthy and incredibly good, and so totally gluten free.  Not half bad.

Enjoy the pics, and have a lovely Sunday :)

[Broken, Lifehouse]

I am utterly exhausted.

I walked for 32 minutes today and thought my back would tear in half, no kidding.  But I persevered.  And I ate carefully, refusing to snack for snacking's sake.  I ate wise foods (save for pizza at the election party) and in careful portions (that actually does apply to the pizza).  Health wise I had a good day.

Politically, not so much.  That said, Jesus is still, ultimately, the only Leader I care about so I'm good ;)

I worked out again this morning!  Water aerobics are totally fun :)

Also, I made a DELICIOUS pizza last night- you can check that out and just how foode is going in general in the post for yesterday's foode intake here.

Lastly, I have not had a quiet time and I really need to, plus I must (MUST) groom my eyebrows and get ready for date night- wicked exciting!  My man is so sexy and I love it when he woos me :)

Feliz fin de semana!

[Free Fallin', John Mayer (Tom Petty cover)]

I am so tired!  So let me be quick, because I don't want to be chained to the blog for an hour.

First day of nannying went really well.  He missed his mom (he's used to having her around 24/7) and he's teething so there were fussy periods, but overall he's just a really fun, cute, and happy baby-- and so active!  I will burn many calories chasing him around :)

I had this vision of me being able, eventually, to not just walk but jog with that stroller.  And then I realized that one reason I really want to wait to have a baby is that, for one, I want to be able to afford something  like that (with the various accessories it inches toward $500) and, secondly, I want to be fit enough to go jogging with my baby and set a standard of doing physical activities together as a family.  And, like last night, I actually had a vision of me jogging and pushing a stroller.  For the mommas, since you'll get this and I have a bunch of you who read my blog- this stroller is particularly awesome because you can lock the front wheel for jogging or, when it's unlocked, it turns 360 degrees so navigation is a cinch.  Seriously- this is the kind of reward I want to give myself for being a fit momma.  I can get hand me downs and used stuff for some things (furniture, certain clothes and toys, etc) but that would be such an awesome thing to have but it will only make sense if I'm actually able to use it.

Anyway.  I'm so hungry and need to go eat but I decided that I wouldn't until I updated the blog because I don't want to come back to the computer.  I want to watch The Hills (yep... think they're all pretty shallow and the show is mostly a product of producing, not "reality", yet I like it) and read my book.

I won't give commentary on the pics.  Mere "before" and "after".  I'm going to share super exciting news tomorrow, so be excited :)

Oh, and I'll post it on the log at the end of the day but my eating has been totally surrendered and on track today.  That's two days in a row, though today's not over so I must stay strong.  And I had a solid time with Jesus again, though it will get better when I get used to getting up to early (yes, 7:30 feels like death.  I have been getting up at 10 every day, so... 7:30 IS death.  But that will change.)

Here, finally, are the pics; we rearranged before I cleaned, thus the various angles.

I love you all!

[A New Day Has Come, Celine Dion]

I'm not one normally rockin' the Celine, but ever since Twitchington made me cry dancing to the song on SYTYCD it's become one I rather like, from time to time.  It's very fitting to my life at the moment, so there you go :)

I am exhausted- EXHAUSTED.  Know this-- today I woke up, spent time in Jesus' word that spoke to me and was real (see today's post on Spiritual Foode), never once ate sinfully (again, today's post on the Foode Log lays it out in better detail), and I cleaned for almost 8 hours.  I have before and after pics, but I'm really tired and my first day of work (as a nanny!) starts in 9 hours and I really need to sleep.

My feet are KILLING me from being on them all day, but there is a change in me and it's real.  I know most of you probably feel skeptical, from all of my empty and broken promises I've made in the last 7 months, but today was Day 1 and the new Tami, who relies on Jesus and worships Him alone, is  here and she's staying.

There's much I want to write about, from the most amazing blessing from a generous friend today (seriously, I can't to tell you all about it!) to the free clothes I'm getting, and I want to share my pics of my gorgeous apartment, but since I'm so sleepy I'll end with this:

Tonight I spoke with Jas about setting some rewards for reaching certain goals.  Like, when I can fit into a size 22 (a full 4-6 sizes down) we'll get me a real swimsuit for water aerobics; we'll figure out something for under 300 pounds; and when I get under 250 pounds I will get a bike.

The conversation wasn't passive in nature, though that tends to be my style.  Rather, instead it was active: "When I get under 250 pounds I will get a bike."  And, suddenly, I had a vision of me a hundred pounds lighter and riding a bike, something I haven't done in literally 10+ years; being that I'm only 26 that's pretty sad!

This probably seems insignificant, but it was a moment of clarity that I don't think I will ever forget.  See, normally my visions of stuff like bike riding or even walking around Green Lake or riding the bus or not worrying about seat sizes are always of other people.  It's abstract... some other person who isn't me doing that stuff that I can't imagine being able to do.  This time, it was a vision of me doing something as a less obese version of myself and it was very concrete.

This is real.  I can do this.  I will rely on Jesus and the Holy Spirit to slaughter my idols and break this habitual sin.  I will have victory in Jesus' name and I will lose weight and be active.  I am doing this.  Cheesy as it may be, a new day truly has come.

Here's to day 2.

[Crush, David Archuleta]