Showing posts with label husband love. Show all posts

[Meaning, Gavin DeGraw]

I had the most amazing date with my husband yesterday.  Admittedly, I have spent the preponderance of my lifetime thinking Valentine's Day is cheesy and stupid, just a corporate excuse to make people spend money.  Obviously people should love one another daily, not just on a day dedicated to buying stuff to prove something.  That said, my beloved has been SUPER busy finishing up the semester for school (he has a Bachelor's in PoliSci from Gonzaga but has found it to be quite useless in generating revenue, so he's getting a second degree, this time in IT, aka computer stuffs) and hasn't had much time for me.  Yesterday he dedicated an entire day to me, and it was amazing.

I'm too tired to say much more, so I'm just going to post links to the photo albums I just put up on Facebook.  You can see the pics without having an account, so feel free to browse through.  If you want to make a comment, though, you have to be my friend.  You can add me, but I don't accept from people I don't actually know.  If you are a FoodeFight reader just tell me and I'll make an exception for ya :)

A quick confession: I know that anyone can check my stats and know that I weigh 360+ pounds and that everyone knows that is very, very fat.  I still get really weird about posting pictures and will often take like 20 just to get one with the most flattering angle, always mainly of my head/face, trying to hide my chunky cheeks and chubby chin / neck.  It took effort to post these pics, because some show more of my body and I feel so fat.  But... it's what I look like, and even if I lose 200 pounds I will really regret that I missed out on a part of life by refusing to ever take pictures of me when I was bigger, because thus far it has meant that most of my 20's are missing from my life safe for my wedding and some head shots.  So... I sucked up my pride and let my bloated body be seen.  And I'm ok with that, because anyone who judges me negatively is accountable to God and I only care about His opinion of me, anyway, and He's concerned with my heart.  Truthfully, I'm ok with just being me.  It helps to have a husband who keeps telling me how incredibly beautiful I am, and I'm starting to see myself as both he and my Lord do.  I'm a work in progress.  And I like it.

Valentine's Date Day Part I - Green Lake

Valentine's Date Day Part II - Dinner

*No, it wasn't healthy per se.  The steaks were big and the potatoes had cheese, bacon, sour cream, and butter.  That said, we didn't eat big amounts and actually didn't eat lunch in anticipation of our large dinner, so I don't regret it.  My goal isn't to be a food Nazi- it's to glorify God in all I do, and making my beloved husband an amazing dinner brings joy to my husband and glorifies God.  It's a sweet treat, though rare.  I'm not making excuses- I have complete peace, but I'm just giving y'all the specs in case you see the pics and freak and think I have fallen off the wagon!  I haven't.  We normally eat much healthier meals!

V-Day Hangover 

Don't worry, we didn't even have any alcohol on V-Day because we aren't big drinkers.  It's just a play on words :)

Enjoy the pics!  I promise to post more this week, too!  Last week was just nuts, so you can hold me to my promise to write some real entries this week.

Hasta, kids.

[Tear The Roof Off The Sucker, Parliament]

After yesterday's post , I just have to share something.  When I went to bed last night, sweet baby J was sleeping.  Sometimes, for whatever reason, when he's sleeping I am just overcome with love for him.  Last night was true even more than normal, because he did the sweetest thing- I was fiddling with my cell phone's charger cord, and I must have made a bit too much noise because I looked down to see him repositioning... and then the sweetest thing- he reached out to where I am when I'm sleeping, to feel for me and find me.  It was so cute and my heart melted like butter in a preheated pan over an open flame.

Then, even better, when I did sneak into bed he snuggled up to me, spooned me (my favorite!), wrapped his arms around me, and, while still sleeping, sighed contentedly.  Does that just not make you weak in the knees, that mental picture of a man cuddling up to the woman he loves?  I adore that man.

He's a hard worker, too- he's had to get up at 1:50 am for work this week (he has two jobs, the one in referral is his part time job at UPS, as in the delivery company), and so this morning he got up at 1:50, left for work at 2:45, and worked from 3:30 am to 2 pm.  Now he's sleeping- he went to bed at 7:30 am- and he has to get up at 10:30 to work from midnight until probably 9 or 10 am.  I feel so bad for him- he's so tired.  And we're supposed to make that crazy drive from here (Seattle) to Missoula tomorrow, replete with 3 snowy and treacherous mountain passes.  I'll likely drive at least to Spokane (5 1/2 to 6 hours without snow... who knows how long with!) so he can sleep for that first leg.  I love Jas and am so grateful for how hard he works.  He's seriously an incredible husband and I am so blessed to have him.  I want every female friend to know what it's like to have a man like Jas, who loves Jesus and is an honorable and respectable and wonderful man.

Not a db ;)

Beyond that, I'm going to go do a few posts that will show up while I'm gone.  We will have internet access from J's dad's house, so I may do a quick post or two from there.  No promises, though :)  Supposing the roads allow us, we'll be gone from tomorrow (Christmas Eve) until Sunday.  We appreciate prayers from our dear friends who know and love Jesus!

I truly hope that all of you can enjoy Christmas, and remember that Christmas isn't just about mushy materialism.  Jesus Christ was really born, humbly to a teenage girl in a barn, and He grew up and saved this world from all of our sins.  He's peace, joy, love.  Praise God for His sweet sacrifice.

NOTE:  I'm sorry for the lack of spaces down below.  Blogger hates me, and though I put in like 8 spaces between the pictures and paragraphs they just all cram together and I am frustrated!  I'll try to edit it later and see if it fixes itself.  I loves me some Google, but wth?  Argh.

Sorry I've been quiet- I've been stuck in my apartment since Thursday and there's not been a heck ton to say.  I was inspired this morning about something, though, so I'll get to that in a minute.  One reason I haven't blogged, additionally, is that I was kind of burned.  There was a situation where I was really convicted about my attitude toward someone, confessed to them, and... nilch.  No response.  The deal is, it tests me, how I respond.  I mean, have you ever done the right thing for the right reasons, had a less than desirable response, and then become angry and self-righteous?  That's the danger, and as I struggled through those feelings, seeking to surrender them to Jesus, I didn't blog because I didn't trust myself to not say things I would regret later, lashing out at the person.  Thus, I was kind of quiet.

I did, btw, make an INCREDIBLE meal last week, a tasty vodka sauce dish, and I took pics so I'll try to get that up.  Maybe I'll make it and set it to post while we're gone-- we're (supposed) to drive from Seattle, WA to Missoula, MT on Christmas Eve (provided we can make it over the pass!).  Yippee.


View Larger Map

You see all of the dark green parts?  'Dem be high, very snowy, mountain passes.  We're renting a full-size car, so hopefully it will be safer.  I'm working on convincing Jason that something AWD, perhaps an SUV, would be smarter... I have been unsuccessful thus far.  Meh.  Even Spokane, on the eastern border of WA (where I lived for 5 years!), which isn't all that mountainous has like 3 feet of snow.  Nuts.

At the end of the post I'll show you a few pics I took of our lovely foot or so of snow here in SeaTown.  But for now... thoughts on fatness.  My husband and I were showering (Yep.  Together.  We're hot like that.) and somehow we got into a conversation about how he's not a douchebag.  For any SNL fans, we think this shirt is funny:


Listen, we know it's not redeemed.  It's crude, and we get that.  Still funny, albeit in a kind of sad way. The point is, I was telling Jas how I wanted to buy him this shirt, just a little bit, but he'd never be able to wear it because he's not a douchebag.  Those were my exact words.  Then we started talking about how glad we are that he's not a douchebag (sorry for the repeated use of the word... 'tis what we were saying.  But I'll lay off and say "db" for my more sensitive readers!).  I told him that if here a db, the kind of guy who would actually wear that shirt, he'd probably be with someone way hotter than me.

I'm not harshing on myself.  But think about it- how many gorgeous girls do you know who are with total jerks?  What is that, anyway?  Sure, I know fabulously beautiful women with amazing non-dbs.  My sweet friend Bekah comes to mind- she's super hot and her husband is super sweet and a generally amazing guy.  But I also know very sexy women who are with total jerks.  Guys who care more about the trophy on their arm, proof of their manliness based on how hot their "catch" is.

I always wanted to be hot before I met "the one", assuming that losing weight would make me more lovable, more worthy of a quality man.  Praise God that He had other plans- I was still 350+ pounds when I met Jason.  Granted, it was online, which was exactly what I didn't want because I assumed only fat & or ugly people meet online. I actually remember praying that God would send me to Seattle, to find a good church and meet a man there.  I rather appreciate His sense of humor in me stumbling across Jas online.  You can read our story here.  

The thing is, Jason and I grew really close via e-mails and phone calls.  We were always 100% ourselves, right from the beginning, and I knew he fell in love with me for me, for who I was.  Even better was that, regardless of my size, he was in awe of how beautiful he always says I am.  He has always told me how incredibly hot I am to him, that he loves me at any size.  He wants me to be healthy, but it's who I am and not how I am that draws him to me.

I remember reading another blog once, a fellow weight-loss blogger.  I don't remember which one, lest I direct you her way, because it was quite awhile ago.  But I remember that she had lost quite a bit of weight, like 50 pounds, and she was lamenting on her blog that her husband hadn't even noticed.  I remember being completely shocked.  For one, Jason and I are so close and we do everything together.  I wouldn't even bother trying to lose weight if my J-Man weren't in this with me, supporting me and loving me through it.  Secondly, even if I somehow were losing weight as some sort of surprise for him, I guarantee you that long before 50 pounds he would notice and praise and love me right on up the loving-husband ladder.

I am truly blessed.  The deal is, though, I don't have to be thin to have an incredible husband.  Every woman, regardless of her size, deserves an amazing man who loves her for who she is.  Even better, women should have a man who is consciously yielding himself to Jesus, loving his wife as Jesus loves the church.  Selfless, unconditional, sacrificial, encouraging, complete love.  Jason is far from perfect- he's a sinner.  He's made me cry.  But... I'm a sinner and I've been a complete you-know-what to him more times than I can count.  Honestly, had Jesus not sent us to Mars Hill a little over a year ago, I don't know how our marriage would be doing.  That's the beauty of Jesus- He makes broken things new and beautiful and it has nothing to do with religion.

So I've been thinking all day about how grateful I am to have met Jason while still obese.  I know that he loves me for me, as I am, who I am.  If and when I lose weight, his feelings for  me won't change based on how I look.  The longer we're married I know he'll love me more and more for who I am because of the insanely wonderful way Jesus knits hearts and souls together.  So, I'm grateful and I love my husband.  I'm so thankful that he's not a db, too :)

Speaking of my man, here are a few pics of his truck in the driveway.  He's a sexy rock star and keeps shoveling and clearing things out (our house and the ones on either side of us are the only ones on the street with clear sidewalks because he's a sweet servant like that) so it's hard to see, but I'll just give ya whatever I got ;)  I can't lie- it's COLD out there and I'm a wimp so I just opened the door to take pics.  I'm not venturing into that cold, snowy wonderland for the LIFE of me.  Anyway, enjoy!

[Let It Snow]

It's crazy snowy here.

Seattle + Snow = City Shuts Down

Seriously- I was one of like 6 people who had to show up at work today.  It was crazy, driving down a main arterial at rush hour and seeing two other cars.  Usually there'd be two cars close enough for me to touch them if I leaned out of my car far enough!

I don't have any pics (forgot my camera this morning, dang it!) but you can check out these various links, from the general (Seattle Times) to the hyper-local (Greenwood blog, though I live in the Green Lake neighborhood, but really they're almost the same; Ballard, the third link, is where I hope we eventually buy a house.  It's like 10 minutes from my current neighborhood but I LOVE it there!).  Anyway, maybe I'll take some pics tomorrow.  Until then, you can see how nutty we are about a snow day around here:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/home/index.html

http://www.phinneywood.com/

http://www.myballard.com/

The good news, btw, is that though the roads were extremely frightful and my Ghettro wasn't exactly made for snow.  I grew up in the mountains and I can handle it; plus, the husband (lovely man, really) camped out with the laptop and free wi-fi at Les Schwab yesterday for 9- yes, NINE- hours to get new all-season tires put on said Ghettro, so that helped.  I didn't even come straight home from work- I went to Fred Meyer to do a little Christmas shopping.  The only scary part was actually parking at home, because we live on a very steep hill and coming down that hill was not fun, what with the road being, literally, a sheet of ice.

I do have to say that the snow is actually kind of really fun.  Like, I hate the cold and the winter, and I live in Seattle because the temps are usually in the 40's in the Winter, 60's in the Spring and Fall, and 70's-80's in the Summer.  AKA climate PERFECTION.  Spokane, on the eastern border of WA and where I lived for 5 years after college, was much more temperate and they almost always have decent amounts of snow in the winter (though they got a record 30 inches in 24 hours yesterday!  Oy stinking VEY!).

The deal is that it's kind of fun, though, because some 80% (total guess, I can't lie!) of my Facebook friends live in either the Seattle area or Spokane, so it's been fun to peruse the gazillion photos people have posted of the crazy snow.  It's kind of a cool feeling, being bonded over the shared experience.  And seeing kids sledding down the roads no one dare drive on was pretty cool, too.  Oh, and best of all- my sexy JasFace used some pool deicing stuff after shoveling our sidewalks so ours are the only clear ones on the block- pretty sweet :)

Anyway... rather uneventful day.  I didn't eat enough- I was so caught up in conversation (both of my employers were home today, since one works from home mostly and the other had a snow day and didn't have to go to work; mutual friends brought over their baby and it was really fun!) that I only ate one small piece of pizza and then forgot to eat more, and by 4pm I was SO FREAKING HUNGRY.  Dinner was healthy, though- simple rice with a wee bit of Tamari sauce (gluten free equivalent of soy sauce, basically) and a chicken breast grilled on a grill pan on the stove with salt and pepper to flavor- perfect!  So tasty. The 4 almond rocas and 2 servings of chocolate and 4 pieces of candy (Applets and Cotlets, for you Washingtonians) were not so healthy though... meh.

I'm mostly just rambling and I feel like I had better things to say but I can't remember them now, so I'll just be done now :)

[Grow Old With You, Adam Sandler]

The sexy husband and I are watching The Wedding Singer.  I love this movie :)  Adam Sandler is one of my favorite actors, along with Will Smith and Mark Wahlberg.  Now you know.

Here is how hot and sexy my man is; this was him working really hard last night:

Too funny :)

So tonight's dinner was nearly a major disaster; I tried to get creative with the rice and ended up with some almost form of risotto that looked and pretty much tasted like vomit.  See for yourself.


Gross, right?  I gave up on the rice and started over.  You'll see much better results in a moment, I promise.

Another problem was that the fresh, organic dill I purchased only two days ago looked like this when I went to chop it up for our salmon:


I couldn't choose between the two pics so here is another view:


However, despite the rotten nastiness- believe me that I know how to buy fresh food and it looked much better when I made the purchase- dinner turned out really well.

Indeed, I was able to save the day- I picked out a few not-rotten parts, chopped 'er up, and then put it with a wee bit o' lemon juice on some frozen salmon in a zip and steam bag (or whatever they are called).  For the rice I toasted some pine nuts, added pesto (I know, kind of redundant), a splish (less than a splash) of lemon juice, and goat cheese to the pan and stirred until the goat cheese melted.  After the sauce was done I stacked the salmon on some rice and pesto sauce, sprinkled on a little grated parm (parmesan reggiano) cheese and a wee bit more freshly chopped dill.  Here are two views of the final (gluten free!) result:


Have I mentioned how much I love our new camera?  Because I LOVE our new camera!

It was so delicious, totally gluten free, and pretty stinking healthy.  Yum-ay.

So I was sorting through a few pictures and came across the following pics that make me miss my long hair :(


Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the photo journey.  It was kind of spur of the moment, but don't you agree?  My hair was so gorgeous when it was long!  Shucks.

Hola.  I have many random thoughts today.  The first of which is that my quoted song is my new song obsession.  The Fray are definitely in my top 5 favorite bands, maybe even top 3 (I should figure that out.  I have homework.  A meme, perhaps?) and I've been waiting rather impatiently for any new material from them.  This song honestly blew me away with its wonderfulness.  Plus, I watched the LOST video set to this song on iTunes and it only made me love the song more and increase my yearning for January 21, 2009.  Shucks.

Moving on.

I find it incredibly... something... that Britney Spears is six weeks younger than I am, basically.  She was born on December 2, 1981, and two days later I turned six weeks old.  That's crazy to me... just how incredibly different our lives are despite being essentially the same age.

Also, sadly, I'm still dealing with... gastrointestinal issues... but I just need to say that Dulcolax is AMAZING.  No, really.  I'm very grateful.

The bummer is that I weighed myself this morning and I was 365.5 pounds.  I was SO upset for about 5 seconds.  But I just have to believe that it's random stuff- PMS [insert pet peeve- I HATE it when people say "PMS" to describe when they're on their actual period.  PMS means PRE-menstrual symptoms, as in the stuff that happens before you actually start bleeding.  Totally annoys me.] is hitting hard.  My breasts are swollen and tender, so that must mean there's some sort of fluid causing it.  I'm going to tell you something I really probably shouldn't- I say "breasts" on here, sounding all proper... but in real life I say boobies or boobs.  How embarrassing.

ANYway... so PMS is hitting, then there's the whole constipation issue (ack!  I actually said it!), plus the gallon (ok, mere exaggeration) of saltwater I rinse with every day to prevent infections in my mouth wounds, the probable reaction of my body to all of the various narcotics I've been pumping into my body.  And there's just no way I have eaten nearly 40,000 extra calories in the last two weeks since my last weigh in (I was 354 a couple of weeks ago).  It's just not possible.  So yeah, I'm disappointed, but I can't freak out about it.  If I do I'll set myself up for a possible binge and then I will eat extra calories.

The good news is that I went for a 25+ minute walk yesterday and today, and I plan to tomorrow as well.  I sweat so much both times that my (very short) hair at the nape of my neck became so wet that I was uber cold for the next hour and a half after I cooled down.  I am not even exaggerating.  It's pretty sad.  It was like forty-some degrees out and yet I sweat as if I were in my last chance workout with Jillian AND Bob from The Biggest Loser each time.  Gross.  Anyway, I also ate really well both days.  Honestly, I've been eating really well in general.  I made a poor choice on Monday out of extreme hunger (I didn't have time to eat before J's appointment and was so hungry afterward that I was ready to pass out, almost literally) to eat Arby's, plus some dumb choices on Thanksgiving day,  but other than that I've been really on point.  I feel good about that.

So the deal is, I just weighed myself, in clothes and only a few hours past dinner, and it was 366.7.  I have to believe that this morning was a fluke.  Plus, the laxative has worked kind of overly well (I know you get that!) and I've had multiple opportunities to... drop some pounds today, all post weigh in.  So I'll redo it tomorrow morning, hopefully with much better results.

A trick I have found, for myself, is to eat ice cream bars at night instead of any other dessert. Jason and I just really love ice cream for dessert, but I so tend to overeat when it's from a 1/2 gallon container.  Since I can't really handle the crunchiness of my beloved Skinny Cow cones, I have some Dove bars.  Triple chocolate, baby!  It might sound like, "Ack!  Girl, you eat a 280 cal bar for dessert?" but if I were eating regular ice cream it would likely be closer to a 400-500 calorie bowl.  So i'sallgood.

Lastly, dinner tonight was AMAZING!  See, this one loves herself some twins.  I want twins.  I've ALWAYS wanted twins.  They don't run in my family, nor Jason's, but I am just believing God that I'll have twins!  Adopt, maybe, if need be.  But, so you can understand my neuroses, I heard once that in cultures with a high consumption of yams there is a greater preponderance of twins compared to non-yam peoples.  I, of course, have since desired to consume many a yam.  However, sweet potatoes are easy to find... yams not so much.  Since yams and sweet potatoes are not the same thing, not even remotely (true story !), I've felt robbed of my ability to convince my body twins are for me.

All of that said, my favorite local hippie store had organic yams and so tonight's dinner was a chicken breast (seasoned and grilled, no oil) and "yam fries".  Basically, I handcut two yams into fry shapes, put them in a big ziploc bag with 1 TB of canola oil, salt, pepper, a touch of curry and seasoning salts, and paprika.  I then baked them (thus removing the actual "fry"-ness) 10 minutes on each side, and they were AMAZING.  Jas did the chicken PERFECTLY (love my all caps when I'm excited about food?) and it was so tasty, and it was under 500 calories.  Ooooh, and totally gluten free!

And... because my INCREDIBLE new camera (ours is black... my lovers' fave color and I aim to please) came today y'all get a pic!  Too bad I discovered that it has a cuisine setting (a cuisine setting!!) post-dinner consumption.  Wah-oops.  This in no way displays the superiority of my new camera!  I also discovered the super macro (as in super up-close) mode after the fact, as well.


This pic, however, does display the awesomeosity that is our new camera:


Yup.  That's my eye, all sorts of up close and personal.

Here's my man, looking mad fine:


Aight, I should wrap up.  I have a very deep post en route, but it will be long and detailed, unlike this one ;), and I want to really let the processing happen before I dive in... I never used to do that, but I guess that's how I know I'm growing up.  Twenty-seven should mean something, methinks.  That said, something wonderful happened today- a reader nominated me for a blog award .  If you don't keep up with the times, I am aka Tami (Tam, Timtam, Tamalam, Tizzam, Tam* [pronounced Tamstar, as in Tamstar, as in Tamstar Runner.  If you get that, you are very, very cool.  Or you went to college.], Tamitha, Tamela [like Pamela], et cetera.) to most people.  As a result, I am the "Tami" in her nominations.  Her words re: me are very kind, incredibly generous, and I am truly humbled.  I'm not quite cool enough to nominate anyone, at least not tonight.  Sleepy, I am.

[Yoda is my step-dad's cousin, twice removed.]

On that note, I'm out.

Hasta, kids.

[Don't Look Away, Kate Voegele]

Operation: Gluten Free Living commenced today.

Here's what's up: my beloved husband, one Jason Jay Hizzlindometrius, has suffered from nasty psoriasis for the last 10 years.  It causes these icky puss filled lesions to form, mostly on his knees, elbows, and... other unpleasant places.  They itch and burn like crazy, the poor guy.  The only effective treatment has been this massively expensive topical cream, which he has to apply, sit around for 30 minutes, and then shower off.  When he finally went to a new derm (read: our term for dermatologist) here in Seattle to renew his prescription for said meds the derm told him that it looked like a classic case of dermatitis herpetiformis (DH).  After a skin biopsy it was confirmed-- Jason has a severe allergy to gluten which causes the nasty lesions to form, and his DH has gone undiagnosed for 10 years. (If you are really curious about DH you can read more here .)

Here are two pictures of what one of my baby's right knee area looks like:



The thing is, not only do 75-90% of people with DH have Celiac disease (the common gluten allergy; it basically makes those same icky lesions form on the inner lining of people's intestines), which Jason is going to also be tested for, but it is linked to numerous other autoimmune disorders.  It also heightens the risk that Jas will develop lymphoma (cancer of the lymph nodes).  What is really scary here is that his dad had lymphoma in his late 40's, which already means Jas is at higher risk to develop the disease.  Also, DH is hereditary and our children will be likely to have the condition.

So, we have to go strictly gluten free.  Especially for the first year-- we can't risk Jason eating anything that could be cross-contaminated with gluten (which is found in wheat, barley, and rye).  It's insane how many things contain gluten, though- check out this list (scroll down about 1/3 of the way to "What do I need to avoid?").  We can't eat out anywhere, save for maybe PF Chang's (they have a gluten-free menu and seem to be GF friendly, understanding that even gluten-filled flour particles in the air can cross contaminate food... at least, so I have heard.  We'll see.) and I hear that Outback and Red Robin also have GF menus but you have to request them.  This is all new to me, and we don't really eat out much, so we'll have to figure it out as we go.

By the way, you may see Outback and think, "Gluten free at a steakhouse?  You just don't get a roll, right?"  But, actually, even steak seasonings frequently have various elements with gluten.  It's crazy how many things you can't have- even soy sauce.  Salad dressings.  Ice cream.  Anything with starch, especially modified food starch, even vegetable starch.  Any thickener.  Pretty much just about anything you can think of!

The deal is, we can't just not eat out- we really shouldn't even eat in anyone else's kitchen.  A crumb on the counter, a fork not cleaned enough, etc.  So it's not just not eating the food people bring to potlucks, but we should bring our own food, our own dishes, etc.  I should note here that I say 'we' because, though Jason has the disease, I need to fully support him.  I can't risk that food I have in the house will make him sick (read: cause horrible skin lesions and increase his risk for cancer), or that even kissing me after I eat something with gluten could affect him.  I know this seems extreme, but I refuse to take chances.  Thus, it's Jason's illness but by the association of marriage it's mine, too.  So, we don't want to be 'that' couple, the high-maintenance one who can't eat anything or anywhere.  But... it's his health, and possibly that of our children.  I would totally oblige for any friends in the same situation, no matter how high-maintenance.

There's a silver lining, a blessing in disguise, in all of this.  But... I am tired of typing.  And, to be honest, I look cute.  Today Jason and I went to a couple of local stores to check out the GF products, so I wanted to look pretty for him :)  And, since I'm feeling a little prettier than normal, I figure I will post a vlog.  But a very cool thing happened today, and you should check it out.  I'll embed the vlog below.  It's actually something that I think will really encourage and bless many of you, and I know it's a wee bit long, but I really hope you enjoy it.
I really need to figure out how to look cute and smiley at the end, so that the picture doesn't make me look like a complete tool :)

[Look After You, The Fray]

It's a long story how, but I was messing around here on the good ol' internet (I refuse to capitalize it, Streck, just as an FYI!) and I came across something my husband wrote to me when we were still separated by 3,000 miles, stuck on opposite coasts of these great United States:

Tami...I don't know what it is about today that has taken my feelings for you to a level I never dreamed it would go. A week ago I was ready to marry you. Now I literally feel incomplete for not having done so already. What we have now is amazing, don't get me wrong. I bask in the glow of all our relationship has taught me, inspired me, shaped me, and enriched me. I live as a man happier than he's ever been and dream of the future like never before. But every moment I'm awake, my dear, especially when I ruminate on those dazzling eyes gazing at me, pouring your love past my physical shell directly into my heart, I feel a longing like never before. A feeling deep in my chest that ebbs and flows, but never dies. A pain not sharp, not stinging, but dull and lingering. Deep down I know that no matter how amazing of a man He may have made me to be, it is nothing without you. Without you I'd flail around this world, fecklessly in search of a love about which I know nothing, hurting myself and others along the way. Without you I'd never reach the center of His will, and my vain attempts to try would drive me to a misery so dark I shudder at its brief appearance in my thoughts. You are inseparable from His will for me. We were meant for one another. Our relationship isn't merely approved by Him, but ordained. I could not truly be a man after His heart apart from you.

And now you know why I married him :)  I told you he is an incredible man and completely in love with me!  This gluten-free biz is kind of a hassle, if I'm really being honest.  Jason's totally worth it though :)

[Light On, David Cook]

First, David Cook finally released his first single!  (Listen to it here.)  Upon initial listen I was a little mixed up on whether I liked it or not, but after the second and subsequent listens I was hooked.  So that's happy.

In other news, I am sorry.  I have been all but dead on here for two weeks, and I promised myself this morning that I would make time to write today.  I could give you all 56 excuses, but none are really any good, so I'll just refrain. 

Overall, the last two weeks have been a 6.5 out of 10.  Eating has been decent (though this last weekend was bad because we were both busy and tired and my back has been really bad for the last week and a half) but exercise has been nil.  I finally conceded to Jason (and myself) Monday afternoon that I just have to get over the pain and go to water aerobics because if pain keeps me away then I'll never go.  That's just my life right now, and it sucks, but if I use it as an excuse then I'll just get fatter and fatter until I burst at the seams.  Ok, not really, but it will feel like it.

In this vein (the pain vein?  Seriously?  Shoot me now!) I decided that today I was going for a walk, no matter what, and then V, the father of the boy I nanny, said that it might be cool to take the Brodster for a walk today because they were outside for a few minutes this morning and the little dude was beyond delighted.  It was actually perfect walking weather (in my opinion): 60 degrees and cloudy.  I forced myself to take a route that kept me far from the house, swallowing my pride when my back started spasming and sitting on people's cement stairs that spill out onto the public sidewalk, and walked for a full 30 minutes!  I only sat down three times- about 45 seconds the first two times and only about 20 the last time.  It started to rain heavily just as we got home, so I felt like that was God's way of saying, "Nicely done, Tam.  I won't even rain on you!".  Maybe not, but it was nice to avoid the averse weather.

Anyway, things are going well.  I was pretty convicted in Sunday's sermon (about SEX!  Woo-hoo!  I'm embedding the video in the bottom of this post) that my body is not just mine to steward for my own purposes, but to honor my husband.  Jason has always loved me just where I am, and has never pressured me to lose weight.  That said, we had an honest discussion after the sermon about how we can be more attractive to one another, both physically and with our character / personality, and one issue he pointed out is that I really take no (good) pride in my appearance, and seem to just not care... which is true.  I don't care, because I don't like how I look. I hate to have pictures taken of myself, hate that no clothes fit, and hate the way I look in the few clothing items that do fit.  He was gently honest and said that he'll always love me no matter what size I am, but that our sex life would be far better if I were a more active size, and he's right.  I respect him for being so honest with me, and I'm blessed by the fact that he's so awesome.

So, we're planning to try in the upcoming months to take one another shopping, where he picks out some items that look hot on me and I pick out some items that look hot on him.  And as I am really working on viewing God as a loving Father, I'm starting to find joy in obedience because of how it honors both God as Father and Jason as my husband.  I'm not perfect, nor all the way there yet, but I've begun to realize how good it feels to be freed up from laws and stringent rules, and to take care of myself because I love my God, I love my husband, and I love myself for who the Lord knit me together to be. 

I promise to keep you all updated better!  Just as I am a roller coaster person often with regards to weight and spiritual issues, full of high-highs and loooooow-lows, I seem to either update every day on here or once a week.  I need a happier medium!

I need to get back to biz, but I'm putting out a shameless request for comments!  I've missed you all!  And seriously- check out the sermon.  It's awesome- it's not haughty-taughty prudish Christian talk about sex (I'm not sure Mark Driscoll has ever been called a prude!) nor is it grotesquely tasteless perversion.  It was AWESOME and I can't wait for this Sunday for the next sermon in the series!  Love ya, kids.

-T

**Note: I added the story to the end that I forgot!  And, I meant to give a shout-out to Colleen for really encouraging me to try Weight Watchers-- I'm excited to figure out the finances so I can start!**

[Take A Bow, Rihanna]

Things are going much better today.  My dentist appt wasn't so bad- basically, they referred me out to an oral surgeon and said that unless the abscess gets all huge and nasty that I can wait it out a few weeks.  Jas' UPS job has MUCH better dental benefits (and, really, better benefits over all) and I am active on there I think the 19th so I'm going to wait to get the surgery until then.  I'm not totally clear on it, but I think we will get the entire thing covered at 100%, which would be HUGE for us.

Re: the dentist and my teeth... I was shocked.  Completely shocked.  So here's the thing-- my mouth is too small and my teeth are all sorts of messed up... mostly just that my canines are up above / below the rest of my teeth  (the top is worse than the bottom) and then the set directly next to my two front teeth are forced behind the rest. I knew I needed braces in school but we just couldn't afford them.  As a result of hating my crooked teeth I have always taken kind of shoddy care of my teeth- I only brush once a day, whenever I shower (and I can't lie- if I'm around the house all day and not going anywhere and don't shower I sometimes don't brush my teeth at all), and I never floss. I try to floss but it's such a bloody mess, and my gums throb, and my teeth are so tightly packed that just forcing the little bit of floss through feels like I just had braces tightened, so I just give up.  Plus, we used this super-defense Listerine and it made my teeth really yellow and even stained two of them.  Add all of this to ten years of not going to the dentist and I expected to get majorly reamed and chewed out... and to hear that I had like 12 cavities.

Instead, the dentist said over and over (seriously, like 5 or 6 times, always sounding increasingly shocked), what amazingly great teeth I have and how lucky I am.  I only had one tiny cavity, and no decay otherwise.  She didn't even chew me out for not flossing.  Also, x-rays showed that I have really, really deep roots (seriously- there was the tooth itself and then like 6-8 times that size in the length of my roots- I had no idea!) and she said that if I take care of them I'll have a very small chance of ever losing them.  Also, she really encouraged me about getting braces and I think that once we're out of this dark hour financially (probably a year or two) we'll look at getting on that for me because my teeth now cause me a lot of pain (cutting up the inside of my mouth and such) and I'm just really, really self-conscious about them.  I know this will sound silly, but to me bad teeth are a sign of poverty, of being a hick, and what with my idolism of financial security I get antsy about things that make me look low-class (this is one reason my weight bothers me, because I classicize it into a "poor people" problem).

Anyway, the dentist wasn't so bad.  On the money front, Jas is pretty sure we'll be ok through October, though, sadly, no awesome birthday gifts for me :(  He's really pursuing options and has a second interview for a job doing IT stuff tomorrow, and then a friend of ours sent his resume and glowing recommendations to recruiters for contract work with Microsoft (where he would really like to end up).  The way it works at MS is that most people start out with a contract company, usually 12 months, and you work for Microsoft but through the agency.  Then, if you prove yourself, most people can get hired by MS; it's really hard to get hired outright with no contract work first, though.  Plus, even these low-level jobs will replace and possibly exceed his pool income so it's all good.

I think it's directly connected to feeling less under the throes of PMS, but I know we'll be ok.  Sunday's sermon was PERFECTLY what I needed to hear; seriously, I felt like Pastor Mark read my entry from Saturday night and was preaching only for me.  I still don't trust God as Father and I view everything that doesn't go according to my plan as punishment.  I need to ask God to get me through this, just as Jesus did in John 17, knowing He was about to go to Gethsemane and through all that would culminate in His death on the cross.  I know the Lord is drawing us near, to help us to trust Him and to stop worrying and relying so heavily on ourselves, and I have so far to go, but I'm honestly grateful for the test because it reminds me that God hasn't given up on me.

I will still seek whatever sort of counsel I can find at church, but I'm also going to try and figure out a way to join Weight Watchers.  Right now even $20 is a lot (this reminds me of a story I'll tell at the end) so until Jason gets a new job it's out of the question, but I know that meeting people who live near me and can literally walk through this with me will be such an encouragement to spur me on.  The accountability and facing the scales every week will really help, and so I'm going to pursue that as soon as the money is there.  Though I just looked it up and it's a flat $40 a month with no registration fees and there's a meeting I could easily go to after water aerobics on Fridays so maybe I'll talk to Jas and figure out how to swing it.  I'll eat cheaper food if I have to- I need to do this.  So I'll see what we can work out.

Beyond that, my back is hurting (still, I know!  Which is a bummer but it's life) and I'm feeling sleepy.  But I wanted you all to be up to date on how I'm doing!

I love you all!

Special Addition:

Jason, you already know this but now the world can, too:  this last year has been the best of my life.  I faced some of the darkest hours and hardest times to endure, yet I know I was able to get through it because of Jesus and because He brought me you.  May we only continue to grow, and I am continually honored to be your wife.

EDIT:  Added story!  Sorry that I forgot it!

Today Jason and I went to brunch at a sweet restaurant we saw on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives (we love Guy Fieri!) and afterward we had to go pick out a shirt & tie for J's interview tomorrow-- all of his nice clothes are from before he lost 75 pounds, so I basically put my foot down and made him get them :)  I'll take pictures of the outfit on him sometime because he looks HOT!  Anyway, we popped into Target to get toothpaste, and on the way out I found a dollar bill.  I seriously hooped and hollered and danced like I had just found $100!  It was so funny and Jas couldn't stop laughing at my crazy antics.  Seriously- is this a sign of our financial woes?  Does everyone get excited when they find a dollar?  Because I was seriously ELATED!

[I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real]

I know I haven't been around all week, and I can't even really apologize because there's not much I've been able to do about it.  My half-in wisdom tooth is abscessed which means I am in crazy pain in my jaw, ear, lymph nodes, head, etc.  I have a dentist appointment Monday morning at 7 am... not only is Monday normally a day I have off, which means sleeping in, I'll also miss yet another water aerobics (I haven't been all week due to the tooth pain [Monday and today, Saturday], plus my nanny schedule was four days this week so I couldn't go Friday), and it's my first wedding anniversary.  We still hope to do fun stuff (the plan is to go to Pike Place Market and the waterfront since we don't ever really go to that part of Seattle) if I'm not in too much pain.

I'm nervous because I know I'll have to get my wisdom teeth out.  I'll just be getting a deep clean, hopefully some antibiotics or something to deal with the abscess, and a verdict on how impacted my wisdom teeth are.  Hopefully I won't have to be referred out to a specialist.  Specialists + Dentistry = $$$.

I'm stressed about money right now.  I'm trying to trust God, but it's hard.  A few months ago Jason tried to be responsible and do right by his employer by letting him know about a possible job change circa October 1.  As I've mentioned, Jas just started school this week to get a second bachelor's degree, being as his poli-sci one hasn't proved much use, this time in IT (basically, computers; probably with an emphasis on software development).  He's trying to find a job in the IT field while he's going to school to basically build up his on-the-job experience as he gets the degree to back it up.  He had a few possibilities for this fall, so he wanted to let his boss know so that he doesn't leave him high and dry-- you can't just train someone to clean pools at the caliber Jason's company does in a week the way you can with, say, an office or retail job.

Anyway, long story made short(er), his boss has another employee who currently works part time for Jason's company and another who would make the move to full time if Jason leaves.  Jason spoke with said employee- let's all him Bernie- and said that he might be leaving in October and if he found another job he'd try and get more like 4 weeks notice in order to work with Bernie before hand to make the switch as smooth as possible.  Bernie took this maybe to mean definitely and put in his two weeks notice at his other job, which is already interviewing replacements, and since Jason is the one planning to eventually leave and Bernie is making the move to full time, J's boss told him that as of October 1 he's going to be cut to part time so Bernie can become full time.

When Jas told me this yesterday I cried.  I still want to cry.  We're trying so hard to be wise stewards with money, to pay off debt and stop being under this burden of being $80k in debt (90% of that is student loans) with no savings, crappy cars, and no room for error.  We have $600 in medical bills from my back injury, and now face who knows how much with my certain impending "third molar extraction", not to mention the fact that my back has gone from almost fully healed to progressively worse and worse since I started working again.

With the stress and the pain I have pretty much become limited to resting whenever I'm not working at my nanny job.  Thus, more of the cleaning duties are on Jason and I'm not being disciplined with eating.  I even binged and purged two days in a row this week.  I'm depressed and afraid to let Jesus in, so I flee from Him and make halfhearted attempts at best to read my Bible and spend time with Him.  I know He's wooing us, drawing us to Him, to trust Him, and I know that He's not punishing us or trying to destroy us, but I am weary.  I want to respond correctly, but right now I don't even know where to start.  Plus, I'm in a more intense than usual PMS state right now, so my emotions are crazy on top of all of the stuff going on.

Hardest of all is that God made yet another idol very clear to me yesterday-- security.  I crave security, particularly financial security.  This is why I stress out whenever Jason bungles finances (I have never had an overdraft in my life and we've had probably 10 since we got married and he's always been in charge of finances, and most of them have just been stuff like forgetting to enter a receipt and not staying on top of syncing our bank statements with Microsoft Money) and I get really harsh with him and think that I'd do a better job and I get so angry.  Yet I've never pushed taking over because I just know it wouldn't be healthy and I need to find a productive way to help him- like maybe just being more helpful on the administrative end, entering receipts and such- without trying to be in control.  He's not a control freak, but I am, and I think I need to exhort him to get better with handling the finances, not just take over.  And to be clear- we plan the budget together, but he has always been the one to do all of the legwork after we discuss numbers.

Anyway- the security issue is huge.  I want to be out of debt, so save like $40k for a down payment on a house, to get better cars (imagine being able to drive our own car to visit family and not have to rent one!), and to have babies.  I don't necessarily want it all this second, but every time something interrupts the plan I get really upset.  As a result, I don't take care of myself.  I wouldn't have made the dentist appt unless Jason had basically forced me to- he looked up local providers with our insurance, had the page open on our computer, left me a sticky note on the computer telling me to make an appt, and he called me three times to make sure I did it.  I just hate to spend money on my health.  I have always been this way.  I don't even stress about Jason's health, but I put off spending money on my own until I'm basically forced to.  This is why I haven't been to the dentist in ten years and why my back is probably getting worse, because I don't want to deal with all of the appts and money spent and medications and crap.  Plus, at this point, I fear that the answer may be surgery.  Back surgery means missing possibly months of work, and as a nanny this could cost me my job.  It's all too heavy and I would rather just hope that it will get better.

Also... Jason and I are looking into something through our church, but I finally am broken enough to admit that I need help.  I can't do this on my own.  I never intend to binge and purge, and when I do it's like there's an off-switch.  I just turn my conscience and any ear for listening to the Holy Spirit off and forge ahead even though I know it's sin.  I am so incredibly self-destructive, and I'll save it for another post, but I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I really don't love myself well.  The love I have for me is an extremely selfish and destructive love and I'm to the point where I feel like I'm at the end of what I can do on my own.  Jason is so supportive, and he loves me, but he just doesn't know what to do.  No husband should ever have to wonder if the only way to help their wife is to put locks on the refrigerator and cupboards so she can't get to the food, thus preventing her from binges.  I just think all of the stuff going on in me is too heavy to expect him- or me- to figure out on our own and pat answers and books won't do it.  I have all of the knowledge in my head, I'm very self-aware of the problems and know what I'm doing, and even want to stop, and I truly want to honor Jesus and have intimacy with Him, to be obedient... and yet I just don't, and the roller coaster of ups and downs is making me sick.

The thing is, when I had my really convicting experience a few weeks ago, I really meant it.  It wasn't contrived- the Lord spoke and I heard Him, and I set about making the changes to be more obedient.  Then, my back started hurting more and more, and now this tooth thing, plus the sudden financial issues facing us (yet again), and it's as if everything bit of progress was just ripped to shreds.  And I honestly see this as a good thing, because it's forcing me to realize how truly in need of help I am, but I am finally at the end of me, what I can do on my own.  If I don't seek help now I fear never changing.  And trust me- I hate needing help. I have always been so independent, and so strong, and suddenly I'm frail and my life is literally hanging in the balance.  Though some may disagree with me, I think getting counsel from outside of my church would be utterly pointless, so we're looking into either setting up counsel with a leader in the church or getting more information on something our church is starting called redemption groups.  Either way, we need help.

I'll let you know how that goes as things develop.

My back is literally screaming at me right now, and I'm tired.  But I'll end on a slightly lighter note- I've been watching a LOT of HGTV since yesterday afternoon, being as I've been either on the couch or in the chair- whatever position is least painful for my back at any given moment- and it spurred me to just peruse houses in Ballard, where we're hoping to buy (the idea is 2-4 years, but who knows what God has for us between now and then) and I found one I really like.  It's the kind of place where I can really envision making it our own, from things as simple as just our stuff in it to paint to renovation projects.  It's a pretty great starter house, basically my realistic-dream first home.  By this I mean not the 2.2 million dollar mansion mansion- a true dream home- but a realistic-dream because it's what would be more our price-range for this area but it also includes a lot of elements I really, really want, such as an open flow from kitchen to dining to living room, awesome kitchen (though it needs a remodel re: floors and counter tops, but that's cool with me), a library!, fireplace, hardwood floors, nice curb appeal, AMAZING patio for entertaining in back, etc. Anyway, to give you a feel for my taste, go check it out here.  There are lots of pictures; don't you just love the way the style stays true to the craftsman design, including architectural elements like the arches?   I'd add crown molding throughout, but I love the unique layout-- so much better than today's development houses, so ticky tacky and plain best, contrived at worst when architects try to make cheap box houses seem as authentic as stuff from 80 years ago.  It just doesn't work.  But I love this house-- isn't the library awesome?  Such a dream feature of ours!  And that patio just makes me want to cry, it's so beautiful.  Maybe I'll like save that address and when we enter the market someday see if it's back on it.  But I digress.

Now, I must sleep.  I do love you all and am grateful for your continued support, and I'm sorry that I haven't responded to e-mails, comments, FB messages, etc all week.  It's nothing personal- this is the first time I've been at the computer for any length of time other than to check e-mail / Facebook real quick.