Showing posts with label jesus. Show all posts

... 'til you're better
      you will never
        come at all

[Come Ye Sinners, as performed by Ex Nihilo]

I'm finally ready to write, just a little bit.

First; I have referred to this song before and it's goodness, so check it out here .

Secondly... I wish I had the words to explain the work that's going on in my heart.  I can't quite describe it.  Like, I can write about it, but I feel like unless you have had a similar work done in your heart you'd have no idea what I am talking about.  You can think you know what it means, imagine what I must be referring to, but your ability to truly identify with what I have to say would be so limited in scope that it would be almost pointless to try.  It's akin to being pregnant and giving birth... I have never done either, so I can try to imagine it based on what I know from study and observation and report, but until I do it myself I will never be able to relate to a new mom and truly understand what she means when she says to hold her child is inexplicable.  This is how I feel about what is happening in me.  No one but those who have been in this same place can begin to grasp what I mean and just as a woman who has never had a baby can only attempt to empathize with a new mom a person cannot understand this transformation.

I don't mean that in a harsh way... I just mean that what I am going to say may sound familiar, same ol' same ol', but the explosion of the gospel in my heart cannot be contained by mere words, nor could it even if my vocabulary were to be expanded one million fold.  I am not seeking to alienate anyone, just trying to cast at least a shadow on the weight and gravity of what I am about to say.

So, I'll get to it.

I have been a Christian for 10 and a 1/2 years, fully believing that Jesus Christ died to take the punishment for my sins and restore me to relationship with God.  That said... I feel that for 10 and a 1/2 years I have completely missed the point of Christianity, full-on blown it with regards to what the Gospel is.  I was a Christian, for sure, but (and do forgive this horrible analogy) it's like I was a cheerleader who joined the cheer squad and stood there and did the routines, knew the cheers and believed that being a cheerleader is a great and wonderful thing to be, felt honored to have been chosen for the team, yet never understood that the point of a cheerleading squad is to LEAD the spectators in CHEERS so as to encourage them to be involved in the ____[insert various ball type] game.  I have been a Christian yet missed the purpose in being one; I've cheered away but didn't realize that it's not about cheering, it's about engaging others in the ball game... and they are there for the ball game, not the cheerleaders, which is another crucial point I missed.

Here's the deal- this will get kind of theological.  Some of you will go, "Ugh, Bible, gross."  Others will start to skim, thinking, "I have heard all this before... blah blah blah, get to the stuff I don't know."  I know this because I am the exact same way (on both accounts depending on the day, sadly) but I ask you to pause long enough to really read what I'm saying.  It all needs to be a complete package and the personal stuff, the "stuff you don't know", will be meaningless on its own.

So here's the thing: God created everything that is in existence.  He created humankind (man first, Adam, then woman, Eve) in His image.  The world was perfect, and He loved the man and woman fully and completely, and they both walked with Him in complete trust of His goodness and awe of His might and power.  Enticed by Satan, Even chose to disobey God and eat of the fruit, and Adam was right there with her and ate of it, too.  This is how sin entered the world- basically, Adam and Eve succumbed to the temptation offered by the serpent to be like God, to know good and evil.  In this, they chose to try and make themselves equal, even attempting to be superior, to God Himself.  Long story short, ever since that horrible day humankind has made countless choices, as individuals, races, corporations, families, couples, etc., to try and be God.  Thus the story of sin.

Most of you, whether you consider yourself a Christian or not, have heard this, and you're thinking, "Ok, so even if it's true... this is all pretty 'duh'.  Four year olds in Sunday school hear this story."  You're right- most of us have heard the story seemingly a gazillion times and we think we get it.  I thought I did.

I really didn't.

See, God hates sin.  He has every right to hate sin, because He's good.  There is no evil in Him at all.  He passionately loves every single human being- even the most deplorable one you can think of, even the most annoying person you have ever met- and He knew that mankind would choose sin.  Our hearts are set constantly on evil, and we are enemies of God.  God has wrath- full on hatred and punishment- for sin, and sin leads to death.  As a result, Jesus Christ came to Earth, never sinned, and was killed by God on the Cross receiving the punishment and wrath of God for every sin ever committed- even the sin of rejecting that Jesus died for you, the sin of thinking that you are still God.  Jesus received that punishment.

Again, this all sounds routine.  I have believed this.  But I missed the point- it's not some meaningless story to repeat from rote memory.  I have never believed, nor even began to comprehend, the character of God.

See, God is good.  Full on perfect.  He is capital "L" Love.  When He nailed Jesus to the Cross it wasn't because He is cruel.  It was Love perfected and personified, allowing you and I the opportunity to have restored relationship with Him.  The Father God so longs for relationship with you and me that He allowed Himself to live as a human, to identify with every pain and hurt and temptation and desire that you and I have as humans, and then to die the most atrocious death imaginable at that time.

Caveat here: how many people have you heard say stuff like, "That's just my cross to bear"??  It's BS! We have no idea what that even means.  In our culture it would be akin to a girl whining about how her mother-in-law calls her son (thus, the girl's husband) every Saturday for an hour, and how it "ruins her life" and then she says, "Ah, well, that's just my Auschwitz, my Holocaust, to bear."  Do you see the severity?  Death by crucifix was meant to not just kill the person but completely humiliate them and annihilate their will to live, just as the Holocaust was a very intentional plan to crush the Jews in every way- physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, sexually, everything.  There is not a single thing that you or I are facing in this life that we would liken to being our personal Holocaust, nor should we do as such with the Cross.

So the deal is that the gospel seems fairly simple- God made man(kind) perfect, man sinned, man hated God, but God still loved man completely but there was no possible way for man to be restored to relationship with God and so God died for man.  Any man who believes this, that Jesus Christ was sinless and His death on the cross is the only way to be restored to relationship with God (and thus the only way to a: have purpose in this life and b: go to heaven) is redeemed, their sin forgiven, and they are a Christian.

Again... I thought I understood all this.  And, to an extent, I did.  But what comes after that?  The Bible is pretty clear- we are still sinners.  The only differences are that we now have the ability and option to not live enslaved to sin and that when we die and stand to face judgment from God for our sin Jesus Christ says, "No, this one is mine; judge Me instead."  God sees that Jesus already received the punishment for sin via death on the cross, so we get to spend eternity in heaven.

It's tough because how then is life different?  This is where I was tripped up.  See, I saw life as me on a road to some fabulous destination.  Like, the road I was on SUCKED and then I met Jesus and suddenly the road should get really smooth and wonderful because Jesus makes life perfect.  All this time I have been continually frustrated by, if you will, the potholes and proverbial bumps in said road.  Isn't Jesus supposed to fix this?  The Bible speaks of love, joy, peace, power... on and on.  So why does the road still suck and I never seem any closer to my destination of my ideal life?

I would submit that most Christians feel this way.  If you aren't a Christian, don't believe the lie that if you accept Jesus then "everything will get better".  It won't.  The world is still filled with sin and you will still deal with sin others commit that hurts you, sins you commit that hurt you, the inexplicable pain and suffering that seems unrelated to sin (say, a flood destroys your home and one of your children die in the process)... all of this still happens.  Salvation is not a magic wand that makes life easy.

What's the point, then, right?  Why not live however I want and say eff off to God but then say a quick, "Oh, I believe in you, Jesus" right before I die?  A: You don't know when you'll die  B: You don't choose Jesus, He chooses you and C: When you are in relationship with Christ and truly grasp the meaning of the Gospel life doesn't get easy but it suddenly becomes inexplicably good.

The deal is, I've been stuck on C.  I keep expecting easy, mistaking good to mean comfortable.  In the process I have worshiped idols instead of God.  He hasn't made life easier, so I've made my desires for an easier life into god and I have pursued them. I have been angry with God that my husband is losing his job despite being an incredibly hard worker... he works to honor God, so why isn't God honoring him?  I've been angry with God that my addiction to food hasn't magically disappeared.  I want to honor God by treating my body as a temple so why hasn't He changed my desires to let me do that?

The list is endless.  I'm only just now realizing that I have been worshiping idols and thinking they are God.  Yeah, I've written about idols before, but I thought that recognizing them was enough, that I just needed to realize what my sin issues were and then I could suddenly wave my Jesus wand and they'd start to diminish.

What I've failed to realize is that the problem is not my idols.  My problem is not overeating.  It's not laziness. It's not gossip nor being critical nor disrespecting my husband with my incessant need to be right nor my suffocating desire to be preferred, favorite, loved.  None of those, nor the never ending list of all of my other sins, are my problem.

My problem is my theology.  I don't have a correct view of God.  I can see how God has been doing a work for over 8 months now, to bring me to the place where I am right in these last few days.  God is truly good.  He absolutely loves me.  God is jealously passionate about me, and He has the right to be because He is the giver of life.  The God of this universe is so in love with me that He nailed His own Son to a crucifix, poured  all the fury and wrath He has toward sin out onto His own Son, His perfect Son who never sinned and was God Himself, simply so that I- truly the worst of all sinners, constantly choosing to be God's enemy and hating Him because I want to be God- might have the opportunity to enjoy a relationship with God the Father, both here on Earth for the quick exhale that is life and then for eternity in Heaven.

God is a Father.  A perfect, good, loving Father.  The Gospel author Luke says this in his book (The Gospel of Luke) in chapter 11, verses 11-13:

11 What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; 12 or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

The gravity of this never hit me before.  I thought, "Meh, yeah, God's not a jerk.I get it.  Whatever."  But I have accused God of being a jerk!  I have assumed that things I thought were bad (the loss of a job, sexual abuse, an emotionally closed-off and critical mother, my obesity, etc) were either a punishment from God for my sin or because He's a jerk who doesn't really love me.  When I sinned, returning again and again to food for love and comfort like a dog returning to eat its own vomit, I blamed God- well, He's the one not taking my evil desires away.  When I lashed out at my husband because deep down I don't believe that he really can get a good job that will provide for our family, I blamed God- YOU are the one who could stop ignoring Jason's efforts to honor you in his work ethic and not allowing him to get a job so, really, God, you are the reason I am so frustrated.  Mind you, I never thought it so clearly in my head.  I tidied it up with excuses like, "I don't want to be this way but I can't help it because [pick your poison-- a: it's who I am.  b: I was hurt.  c: I just want good things God, like raising Godly children and nothing ever works out for me! d: on and on...]"

What I am realizing, after almost 11 years of thinking I knew what it means to be a Christian, is that God truly is good.  The Bible says that God disciplines those He loves (I think it's in Proverbs but my neck is cramping and I need to wrap up soon so you can Google it!), and while God does allow things to happen in my life, He is NEVER the cause of sin nor is He to blame when a trial He has brought into my life is the temptation that brought on my sin.  Sin is bound up in my heart and every other human's hearts- we want to be like God.  We think we are wiser, have a better plan, and know what's best for ourselves (and everyone else, mind you).  God allows trials- from the sin of others to natural disasters to the consequences of our own sin to unprovoked suffering unrelated to sin, like an illness or loss of a child, to even blessing- in our lives because they are meant to drive us to our knees in recognition of our need to allow God to be our only God.

God is jealously pursuing us, trying to show us His character so that we will yearn for and desire Him, thus allowing Him to be our God.  This is a good thing, because He is the only One who grants our lives meaning and peace and joy.  Not of the cheesy balls variety, but of the kind that transforms a life such that the desire to sin, to try and be god, is lessened because we see the emptiness and death it brings.  The non-Christian has no choice but to always choose sin.  The Christian has a sinful heart but God also creates a new man with new desires, the desire to please God, the desire to worship, honor, and obey Him.

I've been so stuck because I've been trying to fix myself.  I've focused so much on the "turning from" sin that I just turn to another sin.  Rather, I need to focus on the "turning to" and turn to God.  I can't even choose to turn to Him- this is a work that God is doing in me, allowing me to better understand His character and to finally desire to honor Him out of worship and not because I just wanted my problems fixed.

I feel like, despite all of these words, I've not even touched on the work the Lord is doing in me.  But, for the first time in my Christian life, I'm starting to learn what it means to desire God, and it's not something I manufactured in an attempt to fix myself nor is it because someone else laid out the steps.  It's true redemption.  For the first time I am praying throughout the day not because I should, but because I actually long to be intimate with my Father, so share every thought with Him.  I actually long to spend time in His word, to read it with fresh eyes and a soft heart, to meet with Him and hear from Him, and not because it's something I am supposed to do.  I am seeking to serve my husband, not because it will make him feel like he has a good wife, but because it is my honor as his wife to serve him.  I'm consistently asking God to make me aware of my own selfishness, not so I can feel like a good person, but because I have lived 27 years trying to make my life comfortable and easy and less painful and I've only been miserable... so I'm asking God to help me recognize and repent from my selfishness because I want to live for His glory.

I can boast in these things because I have nothing to do with it-- it's all due to the work of Jesus Christ, His grace in pursuing me, and His mercy in empowering me by the Holy Spirit to surrender.

This all does very much have to do with this here Foode Fight:

You might notice on the Foode Log that I've been on track as far as eating, even eating well under on my calories.  There's no magic wand.  I'm just discovering that as I cry out to Jesus in my desperate need for Him  my desire to self-medicate, to bow down in idolatry to food for comfort and satisfaction, is revealed for the misery and death it is.  I'm able to recognize the temptation, and to see that I can either choose sin or I can surrender to Jesus and believe that worshiping God is better than the sin.    Jesus has been faithful to give me the power to surrender by the power of the Holy Spirit.  He (the Holy Spirit) has allowed me to notice myself mindlessly putting a bite in my mouth, and had to work through the urge to go to the kitchen to eat when I first get home (from dinner, ironically), etc, and He's truly been a Helper in providing the way out of such temptations.  My desires are changing- I desire Jesus Christ more than I desire sin.

Do you see the difference?  I've been trying, for various reasons, to fix myself and stop overeating.  I have been frustrated and have failed.  This isn't a "before I thought I was trying but now I really get it!" post.  I could still fail miserably.  I could start to choose sin and hit the repeat button on my failure cycle.  I pray, though that this is a time when I truly change, not so that I can lose weight, but so that I can begin to fathom how deep, how wide, how high the love of God really is, that I will believe His love is better than life (or food or security or escape or avoiding pain) and that I'll continue to know what it means to live the more abundant life-- Oprah's "Best Life" is a bunch of bunk.  If that's the best you can get without Jesus, so be it, but the more abundant life has been long-sought after as a basis for a generic copy and it never works.  The authentic model is the only one that does, and I pray I'll continue to pursue Jesus, that He will increase and I will decrease.

More will certainly come, and hopefully I'll be less exhausted (and, as such, more coherent) when it does.  Until then, I pray you are well and that you are in amazement and awe of our Holy God.

[Come Ye Sinners, Ex Nihilo]

I'm embedding the title song at the end of my blog; we're blessed with an incredible church that plays ROCKIN' worship music, no sissy stuff, and I never knew I could love old hymns like this one until I came to Mars Hill.  Anyway, when you finish reading, give the song a listenin' to!  It's really good, and not just "good for church music" good- like actually solidly good music!  Love it :)

So, as I mentioned in my last post, this one and perhaps one or two more were written on Christmas Eve Eve (got that... I know you do!) because I'm in the grand ol' Missoula, MT to celebrate Christmas with my fabulous in-laws... fabulously flawed, like every other family, but I'd have it no other way.  "Perfect" people make me puke.

Well, at least, they make me want to.

This actually reminds me of something wonderful- we were recently with a bunch of friends from church and one of the guys is a new Christian.  He just met Jesus right before Halloween.  He's soaking up the Bible and learning what it means to be in relationship with Jesus and he's not the least bit religious because he doesn't know how to be.  At least, not yet, and hopefully not ever.

Anyway, we were all talking about our lives, the work Jesus is doing in us, and he started kind of tooting his own horn, talking about how generous he is and has always been and that's just a really generous person.  There was this uncomfortable shift in the room, as people sort of diverted eyes and looked at the ground.  I know what everyone was thinking-- "You're a Christian!  All glory to Jesus!  Anything good in you is because of Him, not your own merit!"

This is totally true.  But... the truth is, all of us, at one point or another, think we are better than other people.  We pride ourselves on what we consider our better attributes, and we usually determine our worth by contrast to others.  We either think, "Man, my friend Scott is such an ass!  I'm so glad I'm nice!" or we think, "Man, my friend Matt is so nice.  I'm such an ass."  When we compare to other people we always come out either looking really good or really bad.  So... we Christians (are supposed to only) compare ourselves to Jesus, realize that He is perfect and we are wretched, and find joy in dying to ourselves in order to be more like Him.

So yeah- said "I'm-awesomely-generous" friend was off base.  But I found it so refreshing that he just said that, his patting-my-own-back bit, because it was honest.  Jesus will mature Him, and that he'll stop relying on his attempts at righteousness, but that comes from walking with Jesus over time.  I was refreshed because so many of us, even more mature Christians, to this same thing- I, for example, think, "I am such a loving person.  I just really care about people.  I always have.  Look at me, world, I'm fabulous!".

Ok, so I don't actually think in those words, but I definitely have that attitude.  The deal is, though, I rarely admit that to a room full of friends in love with Jesus.  I don't want to look like such a... sinner.

Go figure.

So I'm grateful for "generous" friend, for reminding me that it's better to be honest and let the ugly truth of how desperate I am for Jesus to redeem me just hang out there.  Better than to put up the constant front of having it all together and basically living a lie.

Today, this day that we celebrate the birth of Jesus, think about why He came.  Not for presents.  Not for family, even.  Not for snow or Santa or eggnog or mistletoe or even animals with flashing red noses.

Jesus came to set us free, to redeem us and allow us to find the liberty of living life not for ourselves, imprisoned by our sin nature, but for Him.  A great Savior He truly is.  I'm honored to be able to say, with full confidence, that Jesus Christ is my Savior.  The baby in the manger died as a sinless man on the tree, and He's my entire life.  I struggle to live out the gospel, whoring out on food addiction and stuck in obesity, but He loves me, Jesus loves me, He perfectly fully actually completely loves me and He died while I was a sinner heckling Him on that cross as His sinless blood pumped out the hamburger mess that was His broken body.  From birth as a newborn in a barn that was always His purpose and, because of Him and only Him, I have the chance to be free.

That, my friends, is a reason to celebrate a merry Christmas.

So... listen to this song.  I'll even post the lyrics.  Read them.  Think about them.  And know that they are truth.

Love ya, kids.

Weak and wounded, sick and sore

Jesus ready stands to save you

He will embrace me in His arms

And in the arms of my great Savior

Oh, there are ten thousand charms

Come ye thirsty, come and welcome

God's free bounty glorify

True belief and true repentance

Every grace that brings you nigh

I will arise and go to Jesus

He will embrace me in His arms

And in the arms of my great Savior

Oh, there are ten thousand charms

Come ye weary, heavy-laden

Lost and ruined by the fall

If you tarry until you're better

You will never come at all

He will embrace me in His arms

And in the arms of my great Savior

Oh, there are ten thousand charms

[Tear The Roof Off The Sucker, Parliament]

After yesterday's post , I just have to share something.  When I went to bed last night, sweet baby J was sleeping.  Sometimes, for whatever reason, when he's sleeping I am just overcome with love for him.  Last night was true even more than normal, because he did the sweetest thing- I was fiddling with my cell phone's charger cord, and I must have made a bit too much noise because I looked down to see him repositioning... and then the sweetest thing- he reached out to where I am when I'm sleeping, to feel for me and find me.  It was so cute and my heart melted like butter in a preheated pan over an open flame.

Then, even better, when I did sneak into bed he snuggled up to me, spooned me (my favorite!), wrapped his arms around me, and, while still sleeping, sighed contentedly.  Does that just not make you weak in the knees, that mental picture of a man cuddling up to the woman he loves?  I adore that man.

He's a hard worker, too- he's had to get up at 1:50 am for work this week (he has two jobs, the one in referral is his part time job at UPS, as in the delivery company), and so this morning he got up at 1:50, left for work at 2:45, and worked from 3:30 am to 2 pm.  Now he's sleeping- he went to bed at 7:30 am- and he has to get up at 10:30 to work from midnight until probably 9 or 10 am.  I feel so bad for him- he's so tired.  And we're supposed to make that crazy drive from here (Seattle) to Missoula tomorrow, replete with 3 snowy and treacherous mountain passes.  I'll likely drive at least to Spokane (5 1/2 to 6 hours without snow... who knows how long with!) so he can sleep for that first leg.  I love Jas and am so grateful for how hard he works.  He's seriously an incredible husband and I am so blessed to have him.  I want every female friend to know what it's like to have a man like Jas, who loves Jesus and is an honorable and respectable and wonderful man.

Not a db ;)

Beyond that, I'm going to go do a few posts that will show up while I'm gone.  We will have internet access from J's dad's house, so I may do a quick post or two from there.  No promises, though :)  Supposing the roads allow us, we'll be gone from tomorrow (Christmas Eve) until Sunday.  We appreciate prayers from our dear friends who know and love Jesus!

I truly hope that all of you can enjoy Christmas, and remember that Christmas isn't just about mushy materialism.  Jesus Christ was really born, humbly to a teenage girl in a barn, and He grew up and saved this world from all of our sins.  He's peace, joy, love.  Praise God for His sweet sacrifice.

NOTE:  I'm sorry for the lack of spaces down below.  Blogger hates me, and though I put in like 8 spaces between the pictures and paragraphs they just all cram together and I am frustrated!  I'll try to edit it later and see if it fixes itself.  I loves me some Google, but wth?  Argh.

Sorry I've been quiet- I've been stuck in my apartment since Thursday and there's not been a heck ton to say.  I was inspired this morning about something, though, so I'll get to that in a minute.  One reason I haven't blogged, additionally, is that I was kind of burned.  There was a situation where I was really convicted about my attitude toward someone, confessed to them, and... nilch.  No response.  The deal is, it tests me, how I respond.  I mean, have you ever done the right thing for the right reasons, had a less than desirable response, and then become angry and self-righteous?  That's the danger, and as I struggled through those feelings, seeking to surrender them to Jesus, I didn't blog because I didn't trust myself to not say things I would regret later, lashing out at the person.  Thus, I was kind of quiet.

I did, btw, make an INCREDIBLE meal last week, a tasty vodka sauce dish, and I took pics so I'll try to get that up.  Maybe I'll make it and set it to post while we're gone-- we're (supposed) to drive from Seattle, WA to Missoula, MT on Christmas Eve (provided we can make it over the pass!).  Yippee.


View Larger Map

You see all of the dark green parts?  'Dem be high, very snowy, mountain passes.  We're renting a full-size car, so hopefully it will be safer.  I'm working on convincing Jason that something AWD, perhaps an SUV, would be smarter... I have been unsuccessful thus far.  Meh.  Even Spokane, on the eastern border of WA (where I lived for 5 years!), which isn't all that mountainous has like 3 feet of snow.  Nuts.

At the end of the post I'll show you a few pics I took of our lovely foot or so of snow here in SeaTown.  But for now... thoughts on fatness.  My husband and I were showering (Yep.  Together.  We're hot like that.) and somehow we got into a conversation about how he's not a douchebag.  For any SNL fans, we think this shirt is funny:


Listen, we know it's not redeemed.  It's crude, and we get that.  Still funny, albeit in a kind of sad way. The point is, I was telling Jas how I wanted to buy him this shirt, just a little bit, but he'd never be able to wear it because he's not a douchebag.  Those were my exact words.  Then we started talking about how glad we are that he's not a douchebag (sorry for the repeated use of the word... 'tis what we were saying.  But I'll lay off and say "db" for my more sensitive readers!).  I told him that if here a db, the kind of guy who would actually wear that shirt, he'd probably be with someone way hotter than me.

I'm not harshing on myself.  But think about it- how many gorgeous girls do you know who are with total jerks?  What is that, anyway?  Sure, I know fabulously beautiful women with amazing non-dbs.  My sweet friend Bekah comes to mind- she's super hot and her husband is super sweet and a generally amazing guy.  But I also know very sexy women who are with total jerks.  Guys who care more about the trophy on their arm, proof of their manliness based on how hot their "catch" is.

I always wanted to be hot before I met "the one", assuming that losing weight would make me more lovable, more worthy of a quality man.  Praise God that He had other plans- I was still 350+ pounds when I met Jason.  Granted, it was online, which was exactly what I didn't want because I assumed only fat & or ugly people meet online. I actually remember praying that God would send me to Seattle, to find a good church and meet a man there.  I rather appreciate His sense of humor in me stumbling across Jas online.  You can read our story here.  

The thing is, Jason and I grew really close via e-mails and phone calls.  We were always 100% ourselves, right from the beginning, and I knew he fell in love with me for me, for who I was.  Even better was that, regardless of my size, he was in awe of how beautiful he always says I am.  He has always told me how incredibly hot I am to him, that he loves me at any size.  He wants me to be healthy, but it's who I am and not how I am that draws him to me.

I remember reading another blog once, a fellow weight-loss blogger.  I don't remember which one, lest I direct you her way, because it was quite awhile ago.  But I remember that she had lost quite a bit of weight, like 50 pounds, and she was lamenting on her blog that her husband hadn't even noticed.  I remember being completely shocked.  For one, Jason and I are so close and we do everything together.  I wouldn't even bother trying to lose weight if my J-Man weren't in this with me, supporting me and loving me through it.  Secondly, even if I somehow were losing weight as some sort of surprise for him, I guarantee you that long before 50 pounds he would notice and praise and love me right on up the loving-husband ladder.

I am truly blessed.  The deal is, though, I don't have to be thin to have an incredible husband.  Every woman, regardless of her size, deserves an amazing man who loves her for who she is.  Even better, women should have a man who is consciously yielding himself to Jesus, loving his wife as Jesus loves the church.  Selfless, unconditional, sacrificial, encouraging, complete love.  Jason is far from perfect- he's a sinner.  He's made me cry.  But... I'm a sinner and I've been a complete you-know-what to him more times than I can count.  Honestly, had Jesus not sent us to Mars Hill a little over a year ago, I don't know how our marriage would be doing.  That's the beauty of Jesus- He makes broken things new and beautiful and it has nothing to do with religion.

So I've been thinking all day about how grateful I am to have met Jason while still obese.  I know that he loves me for me, as I am, who I am.  If and when I lose weight, his feelings for  me won't change based on how I look.  The longer we're married I know he'll love me more and more for who I am because of the insanely wonderful way Jesus knits hearts and souls together.  So, I'm grateful and I love my husband.  I'm so thankful that he's not a db, too :)

Speaking of my man, here are a few pics of his truck in the driveway.  He's a sexy rock star and keeps shoveling and clearing things out (our house and the ones on either side of us are the only ones on the street with clear sidewalks because he's a sweet servant like that) so it's hard to see, but I'll just give ya whatever I got ;)  I can't lie- it's COLD out there and I'm a wimp so I just opened the door to take pics.  I'm not venturing into that cold, snowy wonderland for the LIFE of me.  Anyway, enjoy!

... His Law Is Love
    And His Gospel Is Peace

[O Holy Night]

I am so broken right now.  In such a good way, but broken nonetheless.

My last post , from two days ago, spoke a lot about what it means to actually live for Jesus.  He seems to think that it's a good idea to keep on pressing this issue into me, and I agree.

This week's sermon at church was AMAZING.  It was about what it means to be generous, to worship Jesus as number one and to recognize that all life is found in Him and that everything I have is from Him.  Generosity is not about numbers of dollars given or hours of service logged.  Generosity is about having a proper worship identity- Jesus is God, and He is love perfected and personified- and thus having a heart that serves based on this life-changing perspective.

My conviction came as Pastor Mark was speaking about giving, because last night I sat at the computer trying to manufacture a Christmas list.  My sweet husband set a budget that we each get to spend on one another for Christmas, so I was trying to think of everything I want that I can get within that budget.  The idea of blessing anyone else with that budget never crossed my mind.  It did hit me, however, that I was frustrated because I was struggling to think of things I actually wanted enough to put them on the list, so I gave up and figured I'd give it another go-round later.

Well, then today I watched the sermon online (I am battling off a nasty cold, which Brody has / gave me, and tried to go to church Sunday but was really dizzy and nauseated and Jas had to go without me) and I was so incredibly convicted.  Pastor Mark spoke of a woman (who just so happens to be his wife) who is so generous that whenever she sees someone with a need she goes and buys them what they need, and then when she sees them again she gives them those items.  Listen, I rarely even notice when someone has a need because I am never looking for one.

If I am being completely honest, the reason I am not looking for other people's needs is because I have a nasty, death-causing sin called a sense of entitlement.  I expect others to look for ways to love, serve, and give to me because I feel like I have had a rough life so I am owed something from everyone else.  What is truly heartbreaking is that God gave me the spiritual gift of discernment, meaning that I have a supernatural ability to gain insight into people's motives, basically the real story behind their actions / words.  I should also be sensitive to others' needs, but... I'm not.  I'm so, so self indulged and it's sickening.

I'm tired of making excuses.  Yes, I grew up poor.  Yes, I was abused.  But no one- no single person- owes me a damn thing!   Everything I have, everything I am, all of it, it's all from God.  It's not about how much God has given me in my life- rather, it's about living the abundant life with Christ.  As I reflect upon my life, I see how Jesus was always so faithful to me, to minister to me and love me even when I was sinned against in the most atrocious ways.  And understand- Jesus saved me.  Not that in that cheesy way, that way you see it in the movies.

No.

Jesus found me, a wretched wreck, trying desperately to get everyone- anyone- to love me.  I was self-righteous, thinking I deserved praise for being smart and funny and a leader and friendly.  It's all BS, and it's all empty.  I was miserable.  Jesus introduced Himself to me, and though I still have so many issues and so much sin to be convicted of and repent from, my life is totally changed.  Really, truly changed.

But... I still have so many idols.  There are so many things I worship and pour my heart and life into that are absolutely not Jesus.  I strive for financial security and get really angry and cornered and lash out when it's threatened.  I hide from pain by being cloaked in 220 extra pounds of fat.  I seek comfort and unconditional love in food.  I try to earn the praises and accolades of people to convince myself that I am a person worthy of love.

The truest tragedy of this all is that all of these things make me such.  A.  Miserable.  Wreck.

I am critical.  I am judgmental.  I am constantly irritated, certain that everyone else except me sucks.  I nitpick my husband, hacking him to pieces with my incessant need to be right.

And trust me- constantly trying to impress everyone is EXHAUSTING.

Then there's the whole sense of entitlement, excusing the way I am because I have suffered.  The greed.  The way I think the entire world revolves around me.  It just perpetuates all of the issues I described above.

So, today, cleaning the family's kitchen where I nanny, thinking about Jesus and generosity as I was wiping down the counter, it hit me-  there is such a better way.  I know the better way.  I claim to be in an intimate relationship with the better way, the only way.

When I surrender to Jesus, when I give Him the reigns, I am free.  I am truly happy.  It's not a chore.  It's not work.  It's love.  It's peace.  It's the antithesis of self-indulgence and it's incredible.

I called my husband, told him the only two things I really want for Christmas (a tripod for our digital camera because I want to get incredible pictures of Seattle at night and use them as framed art in our home, and the Anne of Green Gables boxed set because a) I love them and b) I want to read them to my children someday) and requested ways to serve others with the rest of my Christmas budget.

You know what?  I was so relieved afterward.  Not because I get to "feel good".  It's not about that.  Anyone could give money to someone and still have an effed up life, to be blunt.  There's an incredible peace, a sense of oneness, with Christ that no good feelings will ever match.

I'm still flawed, still a sinner.  But I don't have to accept it and stay this way.  I can stop being scared of losing control and trust that Christ's plans for me are good, and believe that He truly loves me.  It's ok.  It's good.

One thing- for anyone reading and thinking, "Ok, isn't this Foode Fight?  As in, a weight loss blog?  What does the sappy Jesus mumbo jumbo have to do with this chick getting less fat?" (or, you know, something a little nicer than that) please understand that my spiritual issues are why I am fat.  Unless I deal with them I'll either stay fat, get thin and then get fat again, or get thin but have other huge issues basically ruining my life.  So when I post these more intensely spiritually-themed posts, understand that they are an integral process of this food(e) fight, even if I am not specifically talking about what I ate today or what have you.

Anyway I am tired and emotionally drained.  Thanks for tracking, and to those commenting and e-mailing and loving me- thank you so much.  I truly pray that I will reflect Jesus Christ and be a humble encouragement.

PS In case you didn't notice it, I posted twice tonight and there is a second post below this one.  Check it out!

PPS  For those interested, check out Pastor Mark's sermon; it's really good!

... but how do I feel this good sober?

[Sober, Pink]

So, the long awaited deep post... and prepare yo'self, because it will be long.  You know you love it ;)

As I pursue getting gastric bypass I know that the spiritual issues, the sin and the pain and the denial, must be dealt with.  I've said this before, but the surgery isn't a fix.  For one, I'm not hanging my hat on that post as a definitive weight loss method for myself until the docs roll me into a recovery room post-op.  Even if I have the surgery, some people don't lose as much weight as expected, and- I pray this isn't me- some have amazing results but then gain weight back, even with the metabolism changing procedures done with the surgery.

A worse option, and probably the most likely, is that I will simply replace my food addiction with another idol.  I'll find some other way to deal with my issues... the possibilities have no end, really, but it could be anything from gossip to this blog to exercise.  I know some people might think, "Well, hey, being addicted to exercise is better than killing yourself with food addiction!", but it's not.  Not really.

The issue is my heart- why do I do what I do?  What are my motives that spur me to action?  Directly intertwined with my heart is my worship identity.  My worship identity is, essentially, who I believe I am and what I believe gives me value (that's the identity part) and then how I seek acceptance and where I focus my time/talents/money/thoughts/etc based on that identity (that's the worship part).

To sum it all up, I worship, or put a lot of my energy into, things as a result of who I believe I am.  In turn, my motives, or heart, in all that I do are inextricably linked to what I worship based on where I find my significance.  Hopefully that's clear, because it's integral to all that I am about to spill forth.

A couple of weeks ago, actually I think three weeks ago exactly, when my husband and I were driving home from church, I really began to ruminate on these issues of heart and worship identity.  They are, really, the crux of relational Christian faith.  From my heart, please understand as you read this that I am not being preachy.  I am not trying to convert anyone.  I pray that somehow my flawed existence will be cloaked in humility from Jesus Christ and that it will speak to the longings that are in the souls of all who don't know Him, but I'm not gleefully wringing my hands and trying to estimate how many people I will proselytize with mere words on a webpage, and a blog at that.

With that said, I am going to get technical and it's going to be about my faith in Christ, but please don't just gloss over it- I'm going to get pretty personal, very raw and honest with where I am re: heart and worship identity, but the next few paragraphs are integral.  There are too many misconceptions about what Christianity is, and even if you are a Christian what I have to say to set up where I am going is crucial.  Don't skip it!

The fact is, much of what most of us think about the Christian faith- Christians included- really needs to be thrown out the window and started anew.  I alluded to some of this in my most recent post, but knowing Jesus isn't about asceticism (strict self-denial to feel spiritual, to "earn" God's favor) or hedonism (indulging in anything and everything simply because Christ forgives our sins so we're ok to do whatever we want); it's not about liturgy (following religious rituals and procedures); Christianity most certainly isn't about checklists and 12-step programs to holiness.  Really, Christianity isn't about us- humans, Christians- at all.  It's about surrendering our identity to Jesus Christ and seeking to be meek and humble.

Far too many Christians, myself the number one offender at the top of the list, get caught up in comparing ourselves with others, be they other Christians or non-Christians or what have you, so we can feel somehow more worthy of the grace that Jesus Christ offers free of charge, because He already paid the price.  The fact is, every single person ever born is a sinner, of whom I am the chief , and the only difference between a Christian and non-Christian is that a Christian has Jesus Christ's blood, His sinless blood shed on the crucifix, that allows them to be forgiven.

I love these verses, written by the apostle Paul:

12 I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, 13 though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. 17 To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. [I Timothy 1:12-17]

So, then, Christianity isn't about following the rules.  It is about obedience, to be certain- when God saves a person, delivers them from their impending damnation to hell for their sin, He sets them free from the bondage and death sin brings.  That said, God is not a capricious God, perched like a nosy neighbor at the window sill of Heaven and cackling like a contrived middle-school girl when we screw up.  We are sinners, we're jacked up, and God is loving and patient.  He gives us grace, boundless and infinite, and He equips us with the Holy Spirit to better be able to turn away from the sin that hurts us, hurts others, and ultimately hurts Him.  

James 4 hits on this perfectly- in it James reminds his readers, including me (and now you), that selfishness (sin) creates contention and strife, but that submitting to God in humility brings life.  When it talks about cleansing hands and purifying hearts, the scriptures are meant for people who have relationships with Jesus; these are meant to exhort Christians to prayerfully examine themselves by reading what the word of God (the Bible) has to say, to compare themselves only to Jesus and then to humbly ask Him, through the Holy Spirit, to change them to be more like Jesus.  This is the only way to find true peace and genuine contentment in life and in relationships with other people.

It's not about being perfect, punishing one's self for how far they are from perfection, or running around and telling people all of the things wrong with them; rather, true Christianity is about loving Jesus so much that He increases, the Christian decreases, and the beauty and wonder of the gift Jesus gave, the restoration of sinful man to a relationship with a Holy God, is made evident in all aspects of the Christian's life.  This is gospel living- the good news, that Jesus conquered death and life doesn't have to be so empty and hopeless, affects every part of the life of the Christian, from how she thinks to what she says and how she spends her time and money, how she treats other people, who she allows to have the ability to speak into her life, etc.

I cannot stress enough that nowhere in the Bible will you find "Jesus' 12-Steps to a Meaningful and Spiritual Life" or "Go to Bed Feeling Accomplished and Meaningful: The Christian's Daily Checklist".  Reading my Bible or praying or going to church is meant to spur me on, to keep the gospel alive and thriving in me, to keep me close to Jesus but it's not rules or regulations I must follow if I want to click on "Christian" when a webpage asks me what my religion is.  To be fair, I don't have a religion.  Religion is what man, humanity, does to try and attain spirituality/god.  I have a relationship with the God who made Himself a man and died on a cross 2,000 years ago, and then introduced Himself to me when I was 16 1/2, mired in my miserable muck of sin, and for the last 10 1/2 years has been allowing me to know Him better each day as He changes who I am.

So, hopefully that wasn't all too heady for you.  It's so important to say, though, because what I am about to delve into, my issues with sin and addiction and the motives of my heart and where my worship identity can be found, are meaningless if you read the word "Christianity" and imagine a bunch of nutties in a room crying and falling on the floor as emotional music plays, or even if it conjures of up horrible images of the corporal punishment (read: spankings, whoopings, what have you) you received every Sunday after you fidgeted for two hours in the pew at your dying-nearly-dead church filled with elderly people who smelled more like mothballs than people filled with abundant life .

I'll start with my worship identity.  It's occurred to me in the weeks that I have been mulling over these issues that I really, really want people to love me.  I want to be so treasured, that girl (woman?  I suppose at some point 'girl' just doesn't apply to a 27 year old) people think of and smile, the one everyone wants to be close to and wishes they could be more like.  These things ebb and flow, but I want to be thought of as smart (this was especially true in high school, where put all of my eggs in the "Damn, Tami's smart!" basket and didn't let anyone forget it); talented (I have yet to truly just let go and worship at church... there's always, somewhere, the part of me that vacillates between wanting people to think I have a great voice and just trying to worship without caring what anyone thinks; even then my focus is still on trying not to think about how I sound); funny (many fatties get good at procuring laughs from people, and I am certainly in this category); pretty (but not sexy or beautiful... I'll hit on that later); a good writer, nice, a loving wife, a compassionate friend, on and on the list rambles.

"But Tami-", I am sure you are thinking, "Doesn't everyone just want to be loved?"  In a word, yes.  But not everyone spends most every waking moment trying to find their significance, their worth, in being well thought of by other people.  And I don't just want to be liked- I want to be everyone's favorite.  Some people have this same issue, but not everyone.  Longing to be loved, worthy, runs rampant through my mind and I see it completely attached to my motives.  I've written blog posts, careful to insert witty word wrangling techniques (my tongue is in my cheek!) because I know people will be impressed and maybe, just maybe, I'll bowl them over with my writing prowess and then they'll love me!  They'll really love me!  I mean, I don't actually think it out that far, but with the perspective given via hindsight I know this has happened more times than I could even count.

The problem with a worship identity not centered solely on Jesus Christ, who He says I am- purchased with His blood ,  forgiven , redeemed (made new, atoned), dead to my former self and my sin , alive only in Him - is that I sin against others when I feel threatened.  I'm easily jealous of those whom I perceive to be more loved by mutual friends.  I find ways to feel like I am a better person than that other blogger who has way more readers than me and gets countless compliments for her writing.  I criticize others constantly, because then I can feel better about me as I am, thus convincing myself that I am still a person others can love.  I have to be right, because who loves a person whose always wrong all of the time?  I secretly pick apart all of the flaws in anyone I perceive to be smarter than me, because even if they are smarter I am still a more wonderful person and more deserving of- you guessed it- love. I don't think I could ever count the hours of energy I have put into being a person others would want to love.

With all of these (horrible) habits, my motives are all jacked up, too.  Remember what I said earlier- worship is the effort put forth into who I believe I am, my identity.  My heart regards the motives behind my actions as directly linked to my worship identity.  Since my worship identity is based on being loved by others, and not who Jesus says I am, my motives are frequently impure.  I don't do things based out of love for Jesus, living out the gospel like I spoke of a few (dozen?) paragraphs ago.

Nope.  I rarely clean up around the home where I nanny because I know the parents are busy and stressed and could use an evening alone watching a sermon together, not disinfecting the kitchen, thus serving out of a heart of love for them because I am secure in the fact that Jesus loves me and I can live out love to serve others.  Instead, I clean because I hope they'll come home, be impressed with their-as-close-to-immaculate-as-I-can-get-them kitchen surfaces, and think, "Wow- that Tami!  Where did we ever find her?  She's the best and most worthy of love nanny in the entire world.  And we do- we love her.  We will never sin against her and never hurt her."

Again... I don't actually think it out, but... my motives are all wrong.  Maybe it seems like it shouldn't matter- either way I did my job and cleaned their kitchen.  The only problem with this is that motives matter to God, and I will one day stand before the judgment seat of Christ (that is heady theology, but if you are really curious just ask me and I'll explain that one) and I will be held accountable for my motives.  If my motives are not to honor and obey Jesus, from a heart freed of sinful motives because my worship identity is based on my value ala Christ's opinion of me, then my "works" (what I do purportedly to honor Christ, and all Christians are explicitly called to do good works, loving others with the love of Christ in action and deed with pure motives) are empty and dead.  Seriously- go read James 2 .  It's all there.

But if I stand before Christ and all of my works, no matter how impressive the accomplishments may look on paper, were done out of impure motives because I was focused on me and not Jesus... I will have to look Him in the eye, see the wrath for sin and hurt I caused Him and the good and free life I never really lived though it was right there for me, and I will suffer greatly because I will know I wasted my life.

Instead, I long to hear the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."  I want to simply love Jesus and to have no regrets when I finally- finally- get to look the premiere Love of my life in the eyes.

I want to be free.

I don't like living this way, insecure and constantly tripping all over myself because my worship identity is so effed up even though I know better.

This leads to the most intense part- why am I this way?  I mean, I know the truth, I am in an amazing church where I see people live out the gospel the way I long to, I am married to a man who loves Jesus and really does lead me well as the husband and spiritual leader of our home.  Along with the misplaced worship identity of longing to be loved is attached this self-destructive addiction to food.  Why do I long to be loved, going out of my way to win approval from humans, yet I have eaten myself into a body that completely distracts people from anything lovable there may be in me?

I don't have all of the answers, but I do know this- there is more to my history of sexual abuse than I think I have ever been able to admit.  Not because I was in denial, but because I am so tightly wound in my cocoon that admission of lingering effects wasn't even a possibility.  As I examined my life, it hit me- I eat and am fat to protect myself from unwanted (and deeply feared) male attention of the sexual nature, and then I overcompensate in other areas to try and be loved based on non-sexual attributes.

Ergo, I want to be pretty but not beautiful or sexy.  I want to be smart, funny, a great friend, a talented singer, an inspiring writer... anything but sexually desired.  I'm only ok with sexual desire from my husband- praise God for that, though I am nervous that really digging into these issues will show that my high-level sex drive is all sorts of screwed up stemming from abuse... that's just got to be what it is for now and I will deal with it as it unfolds.  Jesus Christ can, and does, redeem anything, so if I am messed up He can heal me.  Back to where I was headed...

A realization kind of punched me in the gut- I have an unnatural fear of being raped.  I frequently can't fall asleep because I am just certain that someone, a dark scary powerful man, is trying to break into our home to rape me.  This is especially scary because Jason leaves for work at 3am, and I sleep for 5 more hours, home alone, without him.  But then I think to myself, "Most any rapist like that would stake out the house beforehand, and said unsub [unknown subject... too much Criminal Minds!] would see how fat I am and be repulsed.  No rapist wants to waste an opportunity to rape a woman on the 350 pound lady...." and I feel better, safer somehow.

That's just it- I feel safe as a fat person.  Sure, before Jason I longed for love, and carried a flame for my two great crushes for half a decade each.  But it was acceptance that wasn't sexual... my sexual desires, though probably higher than the typical female, were never attached to the guys I had a crush on.  I never fantasized about sex with them; instead, I tried to imagine how it would feel to be unconditionally loved, accepted despite being so fat.  All the while, I packed on the pounds.  With Jason I felt so safe and secure and loved, despite my fatness, that I did open myself up to him sexually... but far too early, before marriage, and we have paid a price for it in our marriage.  We're still working those issues out.

What really nails this realization down is that, upon thinking back to when I really began to get fat as opposed to being a little chubby, I saw a clear connection between being sexually violated and putting on a LOT of weight.  I have a very swiss-cheese memory of my childhood, even through my teen years.  Psychiatrists will tell you it's protection from trauma, and I suppose that's true.  I have been sexually abused by 5 different men, all by the age of 15 but primarily from the ages of birth to about 9, and it's sad because right now I can only tick off 4 yet I know that when I was a teen I realized the number was 5 but I can't remember who the fifth person is.  The main perpetrator was my biological father, and I know he abused me literally hundreds of times, but I can only remember 4 specific incidents and even then the memories are like a quick flash of a few images and that's it.  My mind has simply dumped the memories, or has at least cut off access.

Back to my point- it's fuzzy as to when, but a fairly significant incident occurred between the ages of 13-15.  Tragically, it was the least grotesque of the times I was abused, but it was the most damaging.  Most of my abuse could never be shown in a movie were one to be made- there would only be suggestive images, akin to a TV show where the couple exchanges a furtive glance and then in the next scene you see them wake up, presumably nude, but covered by the sheets on a mussed up bed.  This incident is one that actually could be filmed, if the actress were over 18 and playing a younger teen.  Even so, it's the one that truly shattered my trust in men.

The thing is, I never told my mom about any of my abusers save for my biological father and that, honestly, was a miracle... it's a long story, but it can be summed up in me trying to protect her and feeling like I could handle whatever Chuck (that's his name) did to me, but too many people, mainly my mom, would fall apart if they knew what was happening.  That said, when I did speak up, I was assured again and again and again by everyone, from my mom to counselors to the lawyers and police (my fifth birthday was spent being interrogated by a police officer gathering my account of what happened to me) and social workers and other family members, that it was not my fault, that I was just a little girl who didn't know any better and that Chuck was a very sick and very bad man.  With the other abusers I just applied this same logic- I knew I didn't ask, want, nor even warrant any perverted sexual attention from them, and the problem was them and not me.  That said, that one incident, the last one, despite being the least offensive physically, wasn't so easily written off.

I was with a close friend of our family, a few years older, and I really trusted him.  He wasn't perfect, but he was almost like a father figure to me. I completely trusted him and longed to be loved in that pure way that fathers love daughters despite him not being my dad.  Somehow we ended up spooning on the couch, but it wasn't sexual (to me)- I felt so protected, so loved, so secure.  It was innocent.  I actually remember thinking, "So this is how it feels to be a daddy's girl, to have that pure relationship where he showers good affection on his daughter and makes her feel loved."  But then... then his hand was caressing my recently-and-rapidly-developing breast, encircling it again and again and again and I was so stiff, scared to anger him if I reacted but wanting to get away from the situation... so far away that it could be like it never happened.

Only, it did happen.  And I couldn't escape.  I never told my parents, the man remained close to our family, and nothing happened again but I never forgot and I escaped in a different way.  I got a job at a local sandwich/ ice cream / soup / espresso shop and I downed thousands of calories per shift.  I spent my money from my job buying fried foods from the supermarket deli, chips and cellophane wrapped corporate pastries from the gas station, and enough food for two adults from the fast food joints we hit when I traveled to when on the road with my high school sports teams (my tiny town didn't have any fast food places), and any extras I could con the lunch ladies out of when I went through the line receiving my free lunches (yup- I was poor).  When I look through pictures, I went from a little chubby in the seventh grade- I was a size 9- to a barely-able-to-squeeze-into-size-18-jeans senior when I graduated high school.  It may not seem like a huge deal, but after the couch incident I packed on 100 pounds before graduating high school, and I've put on another 150 since graduation.  Basically, all of my excess weight was put on after the man, whom I trusted, fondled me.

While I didn't do it consciously, I was trying to protect myself.  For the first time I felt like something was wrong with me that caused this man to find me sexually attractive, and on some subconscious level I was done with it.  I didn't want to be attractive anymore.  Food was comforting, for sure, and it was a double-edged sword to strike down my insecurities because I found the acceptance I sought from people, but never received, in food- it never rejected me, and in its own way it loved me unconditionally- all while putting on the weight that would, I subconsciously hoped, make me less attractive to men.

I have long thought I don't have issues with men, but I'm starting to realize that it's kind of a non-issue... or at least, I think it is.  I'm so fat that, in my mind, no man would be attracted to me so I don't consider the possibility of any unwanted physical attention.  But the possibility of actually losing weight, a LOT of weight, is becoming more and more real, and I have to deal with these issues before it happens.  I have to prepare myself for the long haul, because I didn't gain 250 pounds in a day and I won't lose the pounds, or the emotional / spiritual / mental issues in a day, either.

Lastly, and I have to admit that it's 3 am and I'm getting really tired so I may need to readdress this point later, I'm saddened to realize how numb I am.  I don't deal with sin issues, nor do I even see them half the time, because I am so numb, so non-feeling, so immovable emotionally regarding my past and current hurt.  I cloak myself in my fat, I wrap myself up in it, and I try to get some sort of significant existence out of this life by impressing other people, but I just sort of float around, like some sort of Christian-zombie.  I don't really trust God, and I can't fully believe I am who He says I am because, when I'm honest, I don't yet believe Him that He is who He says He is- compassionate, gracious, kind, slow to anger, a protector, a loving Father, a Father to the fatherless... it's a mess.  I'm a mess.

I have to- have to- be humbled and allow the Holy Spirit to soften my rebellious heart, to annihilate this sin of disbelief in me before I can ever resolve my issues of needing to protect myself by being fat, comforting myself with food, as opposed to believing God to be my Protector, My Shield, and to find solace in Him and His word.

The good news is that Jas and are hopefully going to be in something at our church called a Redemption Group, where highly trained Biblical leaders work with a group of people just as messed up as I am to learn to rely on God, to live out the Gospel, and to have life-giving and renewing faith in Christ that redefines who I am and who I've been.

This is getting choppier as I get more tired, so I'll end with this- it struck me a few minutes ago, as my fingers flew across the keyboard, how blessed I am to have this gift, the ability to write this blog.  I know that, more than anything, I'll look back at entries like this in a few years and praise Jesus Christ for how much He has changed me.  To be honest, having anyone else read these- and kudos to you if you've really read. Every. Single. Word. of this post- is kind of amazing.

It's akin to being struck by the utter absurdity of a word like "the", pondering its etymology and who decided that a t and an h and an e would be put together to form a word that made the sounds people spoke when saying the word, and how did language really evolve to include the creation of words like "the", anyway?, you know, deep thoughts like that... but it hit me how kind of incredible it is that, as I type, there's just this white space but when my fingers move across plastic keys connected to rubber connectors that eventually send electronic signals and by some miracle my thoughts fill the nothingness and take shape to fill the void and, sometimes, they turn into something beautiful, these words, these shapes that flow out of my fingers through my mind.

I suppose I'll end right there.  This post will likely spark off your ability to be involved in these deep things, honestly life-altering events, that I am muddling through.  I hope I will be humble, that Jesus Christ will shine through and I'll fade and finally realize the beauty in just loving and not trying so hard to be loved because I am so certain of the perfect love I already and have always had.  The love that nailed the God-Man Jesus Christ to a cross, the love that led Him to say the words, "Forgive them, for they know not what they do", the love that is honest and selfless and free and unapologetic and true.  Would that we could all know, really truly know, that love.

[Forever, Chris Brown]

Christmas.

Huh.

You know, I used to hate it.  During my legalist years(click on the link.  Press ctrl + f, type in the word ' undercurrent', press enter, and then read from the paragraph it takes you to through the end of the post- it's actually kind of short, so do it!) I realized how materialistic everyone else is and then I became angry with people for desecrating a holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, turning it into a greedy whorefest of selfishness and family drama.

For any who aren't so much into the Christian nomenclature, Christian legalism is what happens when a person begins to focus on following rules, ones which they think are Biblical though some aren't.  Drinking alcohol is an example- the Bible gives freedom to drink responsibly- not get drunk- according to one's conscience but some Christians decide that the Bible forbids drinking alcohol.... I have friends whose faith I respect that believe this.  That said, some Christians- me in college and a few years beyond, for sure- are just practicing denial of certain things, particularly anything that is abused by culture such as drinking, TV, "non-Christian" music (I'll save that rant for another day), sex, etc.  These are all things that, when enjoyed within Biblical guidelines, such as sex between a husband and wife or an amazing microbrew on tap at your favorite local pub while talking theology with friends, are incredible gift from God! I'm so, so, so grateful to go to a solid, Bible-based, Jesus-loving church that gets this!

Sadly, though, many Christians feel like they are earning the favor of God, somehow able to be worthy of Jesus' gift of dying on the cross for their sins, if they deny themselves.  What happens, and what definitely happened to me, is that you start to focus on the rules you create and follow, your daily checklist to access God through your own efforts at holiness, and then you get judgmental and instead of loving people and engaging in culture, because you want people to know the amazing God named Jesus who has completely changed your life, you criticize and compare and you always come out looking holy and they always look like utterly godless pagans.

The problem with this is that Jesus- the only perfect man, the only One who never disobeyed God the Father, not even in motive or thought- didn't go around comparing Himself to others so He could feel better about Himself.  He was God, and He was completely and utterly secure in who He was as defined by God.  Instead of calling the woman at the well a whore and telling her to clean up her pathetic life He was honest with her about her sin (verse 17), then He told her who He was (verse 26), and when she brought her friends to meet Him Jesus shared the truth of the God's Word with them and they came to believe in Him as savior.

There are dozens of stories of how Jesus ministered to people, but my point is that I don't need to be the critical "Christian" (I put it in quotes because being critical and harsh isn't really Christian at all) comparing myself to everyone else and getting to feel better about myself.  Listen- I'm not a relativist.  I'm not ashamed to admit that Jesus Christ is the only way to God, the only Truth, and the only real source of a meaningful Life.    But getting mad at people who don't know Jesus for acting like people who don't know Jesus, turning the celebration of His birth into something completely not about Him... well, what else should one expect?  It's like getting mad at an infant for acting like a baby- babies ARE babies!  Ergo, they conduct themselves as babies do.  People who don't have a relationship with Jesus, in turn, act like people without Jesus... to expect them to embrace Christmas as a celebration of Jesus' birth is as ludicrous as expecting a toddler to conduct himself with the poise and maturity of an adult.

So, this year, I am working on enjoying Christmas.  It is a great time to embrace family and to remind money-crunched and stressed out friends that they don't have to live that way, that the baby Jesus grew up into a perfect man, One who died on a cross so that life could be about more than how other people think of us.  That's pretty Good News, and I hope to keep my heart focused on Christ this year instead of being frustrated with culture.

I'm even embracing decorations... after Christmas :)  We don't have any, and I'm too thrifty to buy them now. But when everything is on super clearance after Christmas I am going to load up so that next year Jas and I can be Christmassed out all through December!  We can do that and still remember that our God, our Jesus, is a good God because we can enjoy beautiful decorations without forgetting that He's why we celebrate.

So there you go... not so much about food(e) but still pretty meaningful to me.

Hasta, kids.