So community group on Tuesday night was amazing. What I'm dealing with regarding escape and how I deal with the heat and thorns in my life was perfectly relevant to our topic. Lovely how the Lord works that way. I shared about not receiving forgiveness because I can't forgive myself, and how I want to receive forgiveness but just don't even know how, and it was good. I cried when I shared, which upset me more, because I really don't like not being able to control my emotions. It's not because I'm afraid to cry- it's because it's distracting from what I am trying to say. I can't get the words out, so I have to stop and let my body adjust (calm down? I can't quite explain what I mean there) or just try to talk through it and look and sound ridiculous and it makes everyone else so... aware of the moment, and either way it's just really hard for me. And annoying.

Back to the point of not receiving forgiveness from Jesus- I haven't before now. I wouldn't let myself. But, as my lovely Darla pointed out, and as I know deep in my heart, to refuse to receive forgiveness is saying to Jesus that what He did on the cross was not enough. His death as the propitiation for my sins was fully enough, totally complete, to cover even my worship of food, yet when I refuse forgiveness and get hung up on myself I am telling Him that He can't measure up. When it comes right down to it, this is sinful in and of itself because it's pride. I am thinking of myself first and foremost, and Jesus is secondary to what I determine I deserve. Being derogatory toward myself doesn't make putting me first not sin. To tell myself I deserve to not be forgiven by Jesus is sin. Done and done.

The truth is that I deserve NOTHING. Well, no, I deserve hell, misery, and the full outpouring of the wrath of a Holy God. But the Lord, by zero deservedness of my own, chose to pick me, reveal His son to me, and restore relationship with me. My sin of idolizing comfort has affected the relationship, to be sure, but I have no right to cling to my shame. The picture, really, is of a woman staying in a prison cell replete with filth, disgusting creatures, horrible smells and all out misery, though the door is wide open to get up and leave. The chains once around her wrists and ankles are broken, laying in a pile at her feet, and to be sure there are scars from the past but her bondage has ceased. She, however, huddles in the corner and never moves more than a few feet, as though the shackles continue to restrain her. Seems foolish enough, yet that is what I am doing.

I don't deserve forgiveness. I am not proud of the fact that I have spent far too long in that prison cell when, nearly ten years to the day, Jesus already came and released me. But I don't have the right to continue to stay there just because I finally realize where I am; Jesus absolves the shame and in Him I can finally have the true freedom that has been there for me since the day I met Him but never actually grabbed hold of.

So, with that said, I'm done. No longer can I hide in my prison cell and sin against God. I am choosing to get up, walk out, and receive the forgiveness offered to me. I don't have to forgive myself- I only need to receive the forgiveness of the One who offers me new life, to not have to be the broken and battered little girl so afraid of being hurt again and running from the pain into the arms of false comfort with food and escape. I want to be a "prisoner of the Lord", one whose only aim and mission is to do the will of Christ.

With this, my desire is to put off the old me and be the new creature I am in Christ. I honestly don't believe I have ever fully set aside the old me- I held onto areas, like food and comfort, my pride in wanting to be thought highly of by others (for things like personality, being a loyal friend, my singing voice, being smart, etc.), telling Jesus that those were off-limits. I have had times of spiritual breakthrough, to be sure, but this is different. My desire is to surrender to Christ because I want Jesus, and not because I want to be a better Christian. I owe much of this to my (amazing) church, Mars Hill Church in Seattle, where the focus is not on me trying to stop being such a sinner, but is instead on the fact that I AM a sinner who deserves punishment for sin, yet I have Jesus and because of His great love I have no right to myself any longer.

The greatest part is that this is what is truly freeing- being in bondage to Jesus. In Him I have purpose, joy, comfort, and strength to overcome what is so often painful circumstances in a crappy world. There is absolutely no way I can overcome food addiction unless it's based on loving Jesus alone and enjoying food as a blessing from Him- no more, no less. Any other reason I get healthy is meaningless. Even if I lost tons of weight I'd never be satisfied, and I'd always be miserable because I'd still feel empty and incomplete. With Jesus life will still be difficult, but I'm ready to, finally, truly taste and see that the Lord is good. Food, while a blessing from God meant to be enjoyed, can't compare.

This is a turning point in my life. I have no doubt that I will look back on this and see a big ol' wonderful Ebenezer stone (namely verse 12, but the whole passage puts it in context) in my life-- praise God for that. It's a good time to become the woman I was created to be and quit clinging to a dead carcass that is ruining my life. I am an image-bearer of the living God, and it's time that I take responsibility and live like it.

So there you have it. It doesn't mean there won't be any mistakes along the way, but I know the difference between eating for escape and addiction and just eating more than I should have. The escape and addiction needs to die, and I'll work on not eating more than I should have. That isn't life and death, whereas the addiction and escape would eventually kill my spiritual growth. This is Tami who believes Jesus for His forgiveness and refuses to live in a prison cell.

It feels pretty darn good to finally see the light of day.

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Random side-note: I'm eating [edit: was eating when this passage was typed] some trail mix as a supplement to my granola bar breakfast (the idea of eating oatmeal made my stomach churn... thus, I grabbed a granola bar to eat as I drove to work) and, like a true rock star (read: OCD whackjob) I ate said trail mix in order of least favorite to most favorite: raisins, peanuts, almonds, M&M's (they're a close tie with almonds, and sometimes almonds come first, but today they lost out to chocolate), and, last because they're my fave, cashews.

Weirdness about the cashews is that half of them tasted like peanut butter cookies- I HATE peanut butter cookies, which is insane because I love PB and I love cookies. Then, one of them tasted reminiscent of fish- salmon, actually. The last two tasted like cashews, which was nice.