[For You I Will (Confidence), Teddy Geiger]
So, after yesterday's intensely personal (maybe even powerful? Not in a conceited way, but it was pretty moving for me, that's for sure) post, I'm glad to report that today went well eating wise. I didn't overeat, which is big time for me, and, even more amazingly, there was a long period of multiple hours where I wanted, Wanted, WANTED to eat something, and I just kept thinking of various things I could eat, things we had, things I could make, things meant for later that I could snack on... and I ate none of it. I wasn't remotely hungry... I was merely seeking to feed the beast in me that tells me my god is my stomach and that I am to bow down in reverent worship by stuffing my face. To see that beast begin to die, even a little, is a huge victory.
Today was Day 1 in my new commitment. Only I can't count it. Why? I only worked on half the equation and despite the excuses I want to cling to (I thought my couture Ross Posh reference was really witty, btw) if I'm not working on both sides then I can't consider myself to be making any real progress. If you haven't figured it out yet, here goes:
I still didn't do a lick of exercise.
I have GOT to figure out a way to make myself start exercising. Maybe it's time to re-enlist the Foode Fight rewards? This post in particular really lays out the idea... it could probably use some modifications, but I have to figure out something. Knowing that I should isn't enough. Seeing pictures of normal friends living normal lives and wishing I could do regular stuff like leaving my house and going places isn't enough. Feeling guilty isn't enough. I wish some of you (Molly, Darla, Bekah, others who will probably hate me for not having them jump to mind in this instant... no hurt feelings! They just are the ones I thought of first!) lived here in Seattle and would drag my butt walking. Even with my feet problems (the likelihood of fractures... I can feel at least one in my right foot and pain shoots up from the fall to the base of my ankle. And yeah, preach about going to the doctor- I just got a $450 bill for my ER visit from the back injury, so... not right now.) if I could walk even 15 minutes a day that would help weight come off and then as weight comes off I could walk more.
I have got to find a way to get myself to do it. One huge thing that I never do is pray about it. I pray for help with the food, but not with the exercise. Know why?
If you guessed this, you're a genius:
I want to overcome the addiction to food, and to have the power it wields completely annihilated. I don't, however, want to exercise. Should, yes, but just don't wanna. If I pray about it then I might actually be convicted enough to start *oh, the horror* actually exercising. I'd rather not and get the health benefits as if I did.
The craziest part is that I like the idea of exercise. I'd love to be fit and healthy and part of the "active" club. It's always been so exclusive and I felt like the girl showing up to an extremely formal black-and-white affair wearing this:
It just doesn't work. Everyone stares, knows you don't belong, and if they're snotty uptight jerks they criticize and humiliate you. I know this well, and avoid reliving it when I can.
Speaking of formal affairs, I have a wedding this weekend (my aunt, though she's only 3 years older than I am) and despite knowing it won't be super formal I'm feeling apprehensive because I have no nice clothes. Nothing fits. I have my one pair of fabulous Lane Bryant Right Fit jeans (PAY ME, LB.) and I love them but I don't even know what shirt I'd wear. I'm putting it off until Saturday morning... it's not like I can afford to buy anything- even $1 is a lot to us right now, seriously. Plus, it's not practical, even if money wasn't such an issue-- I will not remain this big and spending money on clothes at this size is a waste of time, plus it gives me a reason to stay here. The end.
Can I just say that it sucks to fit into so little? I have tons of clothes, many very cute, yet I can wear so very few of them. Mainly, the problem is that I spent like 4 years at a size 24, and during those years I bought the vast majority of my clothes. Then, when I lost weight at the beginning of last year (read about halfway down the post, in between the picture of me in a pink shirt at a desk eating a slice of pizza and the first one of Jason and me, both in blue shirts) I got rid of my "fat"clothes. Right now, a 26 fits but a 28 is more comfortable. I have almost no clothes in either of those sizes because I totally tossed them (to charity) in my "oh my gosh I'm 301 pounds! In another week I'll never see the 300's on a scale I step onto AGAIN!!" phase. Then I got fatter again... not quite the "again" I was hoping for on that one :(
So, to be quite frank, since I'm home alone all day I just don't wear anything. I actually far prefer to be naked-- clothes are so restricting, even when they do fit properly, but I'm getting to the point where the thought of getting dressed and going anywhere- even to the mailbox, or the grill outside during dinner- feels a little overwhelming.
I wore clothes today- a 3x T-Shirt and cotton stretchy shorts in i-dunno-what-size, and when my husband got home he did a double take and was like, "Whoa-- you're wearing clothes."
This is really sad- I mean, I'm fine with being naked in my own home, but only if it's for the joy of being naked. Wearing no clothes because I'm too fat to fit into anything? Um, hello scary-- next thing you know I'll be the 800-lb woman who has to get a hole cut into her house with a dozen buff dudes from the firehouse hauling me out. And, to boot, I'll be naked so they'll have to cover me with a couple of king sized sheets sewn together.
Like I said, hello scary.
I'd like to think I could never become that lady, and that I'm somehow different- above- becoming one of "those" people, but am I really so far away? I hate to exercise and refuse to do it and the one exercise I had going for me- DDR- has been totally outlawed by my doctors because I'm too fat and it's basically brutally raping my joints and feet. Fanfreakingtastic! This is why I really- really- must figure out a way to get myself to exercise. And well meaning suggestions to create a rewards / incentive system for myself never works. Say I make a deal that if I exercise I can put $5 toward something I want... what I end up doing is either deciding I don't want the thing that much, or I decide that I will just buy it anyway if it's something I REALLY want. Or, people always suggest only letting myself watch TV if I'm exercising as I watch. Never works. I just either don't watch or watch without exercising. Because I hate exercise and will make any and every reason in the world to get out of it. It's rather terrifying how "the dog ate my homework" I become with regards to the dirty E-word.
It's terrible, and I know it. So this is why the #1 priority must be that I start praying for a desire and then the motivation to exercise. In addition, I have to be humble and request that those of you in my core support group might consider revamping the FFR system (btw, it's totally called FFR now-- if I can't have my DDR then maybe I can have FFR!!). I don't take it lightly that I'm asking, because I feel like a lame-o beggar sitting on the street corner with a sign reading "hard times need money for food for family GOD BLESS" and you are the person right in front of them in your car at the stoplight feeling torn between compassion and wondering if the $$$ you worked so hard to earn will just go to booze if you motion to the guy to come get 5 bucks. But, I can't do this alone and I trust that those who truly want to help will and those who don't simply won't and that's totally cool.
So that's that. I need to exercise. Even if you don't want in on FFR and aren't one much for prayer, any suggestions that work for you in motivating yourself to get off your arse are welcome. I'm not sure if they'll work for me, but it can't hurt to get ideas.
I'll end with one quickie- we got a new (to us!) loveseat today! (thanks, April! It totally rocked my world-- be prepared for shock and awe at the upgrade, thanks to you and your sweet hook-up!)
Behold, our old (comfy but utterly ugly) couch:
And our new loveseat:
Total upgrade, right? The best part is that it was free- a couple is getting married and some of the furniture has to go so they were just happy to get this off of their hands. It's microsuede and the perfect neutral-yet-earth-tones-friendly color for the way I want our living room to evolve. I know that we're newlyweds (though, officially, the "honeymoon" phase ends on our 1-year anniversary a month from Friday!) and we're in our twenties and we're not supposed to have lots of nice furniture and such, but I'm also excited to continually develop a decor that has lost all sense of "college-kid". So that was a happy highlight in our day :)
Oh, one more thing (sorry!):
Today was my 5,000th hit! Crazy! That's over an average of 800 hits a month and I know I usually see 20-30 hits a day mostly from a faithful core of readers. If you live in Rocky Mt, NC and use a Mac then #1) I'm totally jealous of your computer and #2) You were my 5,000th visitor!
I was feeling really cool about that until I realized that my much beloved friend Darla's blog has had over 30,000 hits in just under three years. Only... now I feel stupid because I just realized that I'm actually moving at that same rate (5,000 hits in 6 months = 10,000 hits a year, x three years = 30,000 hits... I'm kind of an idiot.). In my defense, though, I thought her blog was newer than that and only just now realized how long she's actually been penning the thing despite the fact that I've read it since day one!
Oh, well, now there's a free plug to check out her blog- she's actually a role model for me, because she loves good food, eats and cooks good food (not just bland boring "healthy" stuff, but things that are original and fun and tasty and full of flavor), writes about said good foods, and still manages to be smoking hot and totally fit. And she's a wonderful friend, to boot-- likely the closest I'll ever be to having a sister.
That's a happy note to (finally, no?) end on.
Starting Weight: 367(Circa Jan 15, 08)
Starting BMI: 57.5
Week 11: 342.0 (May 14, 08)
Week 11 BMI: 53.2
Pounds Lost This Week: 0
BMI Lost This Week: 0
Total Pounds Lost: 25.0
Total BMI Lost: 4.5
% Weight Lost This Week: 0%
Total % Weight Lost: 6.8%
I know, barfalufagus. So there are some reasons- one, I am crazy PMS-ing. Two, I went to a retreat for most of Friday and Saturday and it was junk foode fest 2008. Now, the good [goode?] news is that I was actually pretty controlled. I did have one extra piece of pizza for dinner Friday night (3 instead of 2) and a small portion of seconds on the sausage eggy casserole dish for breakfast, but this is much better than the 5-6 pizza slices and two heaping portions of casserole (even possibly thirds) I normally would have had. The good news is that I can honestly say I didn't want more, either, which is a good sign because, again, former porkface Tami would have thought about nothing but pizza if she limited herself to 2-3 pieces.
Additionally, I did a decent job with the snacks. I only ate a small portion of something I really wanted, instead of constantly grazing on things I don't even really like. Seriously, this is progress. On the downside, though, I still felt pretty crappy afterward. My body just isn't used to pizza, choco chip cookies (I only had 1 1/2 over two days! AMAZING for me), skittles (ok, I had literally two red ones), and the like.
I do have some updates regarding the last week. It seems that a time of spiritual conviction for me is always followed by the heat to see if I really meant it. And honestly, eating has been ok, but I've definitely seen myself trying to revert back to not having to think. I want to be able to snack while making dinner without the consistent, "Tami, eating that chocolate covered pretzel will be sin!" thoughts nagging at the back of my mind. Though, obviously, that's not REALLY what I want. But it's the constant facing of and battling down the issues that gets tiresome. Does anyone else feel this way? You just get tired. But I can't give in, and I won't give in. I just have to keep battlin' through.
I did have my first actual binge-type eating in quite awhile- Monday. I started out by measuring a serving of pistachios. And then I did my traditional "I get one that's fallen out of it's shell from the bag", which has never been a problem for me, but this time I just kept eating. And eating. And eating. I ate like 300 calories worth... ugh. I knew I needed to stop, and I just couldn't, and I couldn't figure out why. Then I went home and updated my TOM tracking and realized I was totally entering PMS land. I did feel a little bummed about something but I can't really say what yet. Just know that it regards professional, not personal, life. I think I felt a little hopeless and went into self punishment mode. Finally, I just stopped eating, put the bag away, and tried to focus on Jesus. Why do hormones have to make it SO STINKING HARD?
Next, dinner eating is a problem right now. I don't eat enough calories during the day, so I always have like 1,000 left for dinner and I just eat too much at night, which means I feel icky in the morning and don't eat enough calories at breakfast, which leads to not enough calories during the day, and... you get it. I need to plan for this in my weekly shopping budget, and I need to plan dinners that are filling and tasty but also easily split into bigger portions for mi esposa and smaller for me, and in a reasonable caloric range.
Last but not least... exercise has been all but dead. I just can't make myself do it. I haven't done a single lick this week. Part of this is that by the time I get home it's 6; because I like to cook from scratch dinner isn't done until between 7:30-8, and by then I am just done. I watch a show or two with Jason, go to bed, get up at 6:30, and start over. Exercise is just the last thing I want to do. And I know how to fit it in- I could do some weights while watching a show, etc. I just don't. Usually I have at least some desire to do it that outweighs the not wanting to, so hopefully this is related to the devil hormones in my body right now.
So... it's not all uplifting, but it's honest. Now, part of why I haven't written this week is that I am really trying to be more dedicated at work, to work unto God and not men (as in, God always sees me so no wasting time writing blog posts- too many 10 minute breaks have turned into 20 or 30 to type a blog post). With that, we're moving into Seattle (33 days and counting!) from our current suburban locale so there have been a lot of details to work out there when I do have a break. But I am sorry for just leaving you hanging for so long. I kept meaning to post... and then I just didn't. Part of it was the struggles with emotions and food and not wanting to write because, even when I don't want to, I always end up being honest about stuff.
Also, I meant to say this to any well-meaning person hopping on the rewards train (which I totally haven't earned this week, PS)-- I hate to sound picky, but even more than that I hate tea. Any kind. I pretty much only drink water, milk, and the occasion espresso or glass of orange juice. Literally. I should just say it now so it's not awkward later... and anyone who wanted to can send it anyway, I just don't know what would happen to it. Probably regift if it's yummy-looking, I can't lie.
Ok, enough rambling. Feel free to chastise, encourage, rant, rave, whatever. The good news is I still am not giving up, but try as I may I just can't seem to get this to be easy!
[Update: The embedded calendar keeps eating the paragraph above it with Darla's e-mail addy so I'm adding it in... comment and tell me if it gets eaten again. It's eaten the preceding paragraph twice now (and I know I didn't delete anything!) Google Calendar must be hungry.]
So yesterday I set some goals. I am proud to say that I did do a 20-min strength training session and got a big, fat green S on my calendar. Additionally, I walked 3,600 steps. Considering I was sitting at my desk ALL DAY (normally I have a little running around to do at work, but this week I've been embroiled in a project that requires sitting and digging through paperwork and the computer) and only had like 1500 steps when I got home from work getting all those other steps in was pretty sweet, and especially because yesterday was strength training. I'm hoping that doing cardio tonight will boost my steps up enough to average out the two days to 4,000. Also, I went a little over on calories (I just rounded up to 2,800) so I need to get around 2,200-2,400 today to even out some.
I keep reading about people who love oatmeal and make delicious meals from it, so I'm going to buy some trail mix at TJ's this weekend to try and incorporate yumminess into it. I also read once that someone put a little vanilla, brown sugar, and butter into their oatmeal and it kind of tasted like cookie dough, to which I say, "Yes, please." I can't make cookies because I will eat half the dough and then all of the cookies. The worst part is I usually make a double batch and the husband and I just stuff our faces with them. Cookies are not found anywhere in our home, nor will any be coming in for a long time.
The bad news is that I woke up with a death cold this morning, and usually DayQuil makes like bearable but today the cold is just getting worse as the day goes on. My left ear is aching, my throat is raw, my head is pounding, and I feel cruddy all over. I hope this is why I was battling headaches all week. I know my poor immune system is so overwrought- the body treats mega-obesity as an infection so the immune system is so focused on the fat that it isn't able to attack actual sickness with the same oomph as in a thinner person. Chalk that up to reason #763 why I need to lose weight. The thing is, I feel really horrible, and I am not sure if I'll be able to do cardio, and I am scheduled to do a service project with people from church for a women's shelter and... frick. We'll see.
So, that brings me to the fun part of today's post; yesterday I posted goals and lovely Darla, a friend since early high school and a co-matron of honor in my wedding, posted this reply:
LOVE your goals. How can we, your weight loss community, keep you accountable? Maybe every Friday you can up date us on the number of stars, S's and C's for the week?I love it. Normally I'd never ask people for that. But it's a pretty sweet idea- I'd be happy with just a postcard, or a recipe for someone's favorite healthy chocolatey dessert, whatever.
And as for rewards. Is there something we can do? I will quickly volunteer to send you a surprise in the mail for every week you meet your goals. I'm sure other women (any men here?) would also volunteer so that we can alternate weeks. Then, you have a surprise to look forward to. It might be a book, a card, a healthy treat, a gift certificate to the movies-- whatever each person can afford.
what do you think?
If you're interested in doing this you can e-mail Darla (aka the rock star whooping y'all UP in the top Battle Cries contest) at:
She's a great friend :) She'll keep everything organized as far as who has what week. She even created a calendar for it- eventually I'll put something in my sidebar for you to have a quick link to the calendar (it's public), plus I'll put up a way for you to just be able to access the xml/rss feeds.
It's pretty sweet. I also heartily recommend using Google Calendar yourself, and then you add the events to your own since it's a public calendar. Just to be fair, she'll check with me to verify if you can have my address... suffice it to say, if you read my blog regularly and are interested in being a part my Foode Fight Rewards (as in sending me stuff... again AWESOME idea, Darla ;) ... though, sincerely, it actually is a great incentive for me- I love getting mail), you might want to shoot me an e-mail or leave a comment on here just so I am not totally skeeved out.
It's on the sidebar, but here's my e-mail addy:
I'm pretty pumped.
FFR was originally an idea cooked up with my (uber supportive) friend Darla. The basic premise is that it's a rewards system (shocker) in which my more avid readers send me lil' sumthin's when I reach goals of eating and exercising in a given week. The idea is a solid one, I just haven't pushed it a whole heck of a lot recently... it is, quite literally, saying "Hey if I do what I am supposed to will you send me a gift?"... not exactly an easy request. That said, I'm still sorting it out (as of mid-August 2008) so when I decide what I want I'll be a champ and let you all know :)
Author
- Tami
- Seattle, WA, United States
- Post-college, mid-20's, early-marriage, pre-house, pre-kids.
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