Showing posts with label on not losing weight. Show all posts

[All We Are, OneRepublic]

Part 1

This ended up being hella long so I'm breaking 'er up into two parts, one posting now in the wee hours of Monday morning and the second scheduled to post tomorrow (Tuesday.  Duh.).  Because I love you and I know you get exhausted sometimes, what with me being so verbose and all.  You can't say I never did anything for you.

***

So... the last week, eating wise... not so good.

For one, the last few posts were written before I knew we'd be stuck in Seattle over Christmas.  Which wasn't entirely terrible.  I mean, Jas became a guitar hero and I fully discovered Hulu.com (LOVE it, btw).  It was a bit too sad to go through each one and edit them to read that I wrote them ahead of time, in prep for a holiday with fam, but that we had to stay home alone yet again.  Last year we were shunned from the family function (long story that I'm not privy to tell here on-line for the whole world to read) and spent Christmas and New Year's just the two of us in our apartment.  That's not a terrible thing, don't get me wrong, but it's lonely.

So, anyway, I just didn't want to go through my pre-written posts and edit out the "we're with family!" stuff.  I just left them.  And I'm fixing it now, you know, by telling you again that I was actually here the whole time even though the scheduled posts from the last few days say otherwise.  But you get it so I'll move on.

So here's what we did do- we said to heck with gluten free and bought a ham, potatoes, stuffs for green bean casserole, sausage and such for tasty stuffing, and the makings for a birthday cake for Jesus.  No, really.  It's kind of a cool tradition, with candles and such to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.  Sounds cheesy, I'm sure, but it's a cool way to keep the focus where it needs to be.

The issue is that we ate an entire cake in four days.  I ate 7 out of twelve pieces in four days.  Not healthy.  We ate about 75% of the ham in four days (the rest is on the bone, in the freezer, to eventually make split pea soup- yummy!).  All of the stuffing.  The green bean casserole.  And a Costco sized pizza.  And had fast food twice.

There was never any real bingeing in my part, no uncontrollable eating, no stuffing in of the food.  But it was a lot of food, spread out though it was, and many calories were consumed in a short period of time.  Much more so than in a normal week, and definitely more processed and high sugar and fatty foods.  Ick.  I'm scared to weigh myself.  But I will.  On January 1st I will weigh myself, and I'll quit wussing out and missing weigh-ins.  I did drop to a low of 354 this month, which is nice, but I am sure I am way over that right now.

The truth is, I feel gross.  I don't feel good.  The food seems like it will be lovely, and as I eat it, the taste is great and comforting and satisfying.  But then... I feel disgusting.  Like, one day I ate 3 pieces of cake and fistfuls of ham and tons of other crap that made me feel like... crap.  When I ate it the food seemed so good but was it worth it?

There's this episode of Sex and the City where Miranda is trying to lose the ominous baby weight, so she goes to a Weight Watchers meeting.  She meets a guy while there, and they end up, after a few meetings, going out to a diner where they split an original glazed Krispy Kreme donut.  Miranda eats her half, moaning in ecstasy, and says, "See, this is worth it.  This is worth being fat for."  Or something to that effect.

The deal is... for her, at like 20 pounds overweight, it probably is.  But when you weigh 350+ pounds it's not really.

Did you know that I'm so obese that it puts intense pressure on my bladder and I suffer from some level of incontinence (not impotence!).  Yeah.  Like, when I have to pee, I have to pee NOW.  I usually can't get my pants down fast enough and, to be totally vulnerable here, I've had a small leak a few times.  I don't full on piss myself, but enough escapes that I have to change my underwear.  It's actually kind of common in morbid obesity.

Why does no one tell you that?  "Hey, by the way, don't be 200 pounds overweight because you'll have bladder control located somewhere between a fully gestated 40-weeks pregnant woman and oops! I just laughed but thank the good Lord for Depends! 73-year old Aunt Mildred."

Just saying.  Maybe I would have paid a little more attention as the pounds began to pile on.

There are other unpleasant things.  You know, the getting exhausted just going grocery shopping and being completely worn out from spending 9 hours a day with a 1 year old (one year old!  Brody turned one the 23rd, just before Christmas).  The lack of creative possibilities in the marital bliss department (you know you get that, don't scoff).  The utter disgust I feel when I see my reflection in the turned-off TV when I'm sitting in my chair.  The way I feel like my stomach pulls me around instead of me actually carrying it as I walk.

Really, though, it's just frustrating.  The renewed dedication, the commitment to truly change, and then the next round of, "So, I really sucked it hard this last week" that usually corresponds to my most recent bout with PMS.  It's exhausting.  Really, something's gotta give.

To be continued...

[What's A Boy To Do, Mat Kearney]

Before I get into the post, I want to say this: a large chunk of my readers find me by googling (literally googling, not just any inferior random search engine!) "foode fight".  This is cool, but may I recommend you to a product that will change your life?  No, really.  Trust me here.

Google Reader

(It's linked- go there!)

Sign up for an account (if you don't already have a gmail account; if you do then you just use your gmail info, same as for Google Docs, Google Calendar, etc), and add Foode Fight as a subscription (you just paste the web URL into a box that will pop up when you click "add subscription" on the far left about halfway down the page).  You can add all of your various blogs.  I have a ton that I read, and believe me, going to each one is annoying, especially when you have friends that update like once every three months (coughShionacough).  I simply created folders- Real Friends (you know, as opposed to fake friends... no, kidding.  These are simply people I actually know as opposed to cyber-people), Weight Loss Blogs, Seattle Neighborhood Blogs (from hyper-local to Seattle in general; this helps me keep my feelers on the heartbeat of Seattle culture, and since I live here I kind of think it matters to do so), on and on.  If you aren't super tech savvy and need help, just ask me.  But really, it's fabulous- you go to one place to read everything.  And if you really want to see people's actual page and not just a generic white background you can click a link to their page.  Easy.

The best part is that I no longer have to memorize blog addy's whenever I am on a different computer.  Like, we have a desktop and laptop and depending on what's up with my husband I switch back and forth.  Or, when I am at work I can just sign into Gmail, click on the Reader link in the top left corner, and voila, I'm already signed in and can catch up on my blogs.  This is the best RSS reader I have found, and in general I am a huge Google fan (if you hadn't noticed).  I heartily recommend Gmail and Google Calendar, too (even though we have Outlook 2007... I prefer Google Calendar, again due to the portability... it's online so I just need an internet connection and I can update the calendar, say, if I make a dr. apt while at work.  Fantastic.), because they are awesome... but I'll just stop there... well, one more thing. I had Hotmail for like 7 years, and a Yahoo account for a few years in there, and once I signed up for Gmail I eventually forgot the other two even existed-- that's how vastly superior Gmail is.

I'll stop now :)

Things re: gastric bypass are underway.  My initial consult apt has been scheduled, so between now and then I just have to gather info and complete some paperwork to be ready.  Simple.

I have been thinking about something... I have a gazillion friends on Facebook (or four hundred and something... same diff), all people I actually know (a personal rule of mine).  I linked them, via a status update, to my last post.  A LOT of people visited (my daily average number of visitors more than doubled for the last two days) and I received some really great feedback.  Yet, when I posted the blog there, I was kind of nervous.

The thing is, while I make Foode Fight fairly accessible (it's listed right there on my profile) I get a bit antsy about directly linking people to it by means of something so readily available as a click on my status.  This means people beyond my comfort zone will probably read it.  And then people will know I'm fat.  And that I struggle.  That I am vulnerable.  For as honest as I often am here on Foode Fight, it's still kind of cozy because a fairly limited subset of people read this blog- either strangers who are also on their own weight loss journey or good friends I trust.  Basically, you,  my main readers hitting me up 50 or so times a day, are safe.

Beyond you, the loyal and supportive people who have been here for nearly a year (most of you, at least), it gets less certain.  The step off of the nice, solid cement and onto the less-certain untended terrain was one taken, at first, with trepidation... but then I just sort of threw myself out there and did it.  So far it's been really great, lots of support and love.  Truly, that's fantastic and I'm really grateful.

So, the point of all this is that I've been thinking today about why I have been so hesitant to put my blog out there, to make it more accessible to those who know me but haven't discovered it yet.  Part of it, maybe, is that I'm 50 to 140 pounds heavier than when some of those people last saw me (about 50 pounds heavier since college/TFA and 140 more than when I graduated high school).  Having only flattering pictures of myself on Facebook and things unrelated to my weight on my profile keep up the facade that I'm less fat than I actually am.  I mean, to someone who hasn't seen me since high school I'm only 220 pounds fat, not 360 pounds fat.  But if they read my blog, realize how big I actually am, and see that I'm one of "those" people, those gastric bypass people, then suddenly the possibility of me existing as a 220 pound fat person is extinguished.  Revolutionary to realize, but probably fairly common, I would think.  I mean, I can't be the only person that sort of avoids people from my past because I don't want them to see me until I'm thinner.  And, if you're like me, as your weight keeps creeping upward, your social life declines pretty much in direct proportion.  Tragic, really.

So then there's the other thing... I'm sure you noticed my "those" people comment in the above paragraph.  Silly things have been running through my mind, like those People "Half My Size" magazine specials.  I remember one cover in particular said, "No Surgery, No Gimmicks" in big, yellow block letters next to a few chicks who had lost more poundage than their current weight.  Literally cut in half by working hard.  The word association there suggests that surgery is a cheater's way out of obesity.  And random things, like a girl in high school commenting "I think really fat people should just get off of their asses and work hard to lose weight like everybody else and not cheat with some surgery" when gastric bypass was first hitting the scene as a way to tackle obesity, have spun around in my head, accusing me.

I know some people think gastric bypass, or any WLS, is cheating... but those people either a) aren't obese and don't understand it, don't realize that I can eat exactly what they do and work out as much as they do and never be thin like them, or b) do struggle with obesity but likewise struggle with their pride and think that if they can somehow beat obesity without surgery then it's better and more authentic than those who "take the easy way out" and get surgery; these people probably diet and exercise and have experienced nominal success and they probably are bitter against people who have had surgery and have lost drastically more weight.  I'm sure there are other reasons why people think WLS is cheating, but I absolutely fall into the b) category.  At least, I have.  Mainly because up until about 6 weeks ago WLS was financially out of the question.  I wanted it but thought it was simply out of reach for me.

I know I have some head issues to get over, but you know, not to sound all Obama-y here, for the first time in a long time I have hope regarding my weight.  Real hope, something concrete to build upon, and not just fleeting fantasies about a dream; a dream for which all the hard work in the world never has- and never will- help me realize.  Last night I stayed up a full hour past when I really should have gone to bed because I was looking through "before and after" pics on a website dedicated to those who have had / will have / are considering having WLS (weight loss surgery, for those who may be totally lost and pissed that I am using an acronym for which they have do clue what I am talking about).  You can check them out here , if you'd like.

The deal is, I am fat.  Really fat.  Fatter than the vast majority of people will ever get- fatter even than most fat people.  I can hide from that, be ashamed of it, and think I am proving something- mainly to myself, much as I try to mask it with the idea that it's for the approval of others- if I lose weight "the old-fashioned way".  Or, I can recognize that, for the vast majority of people including those significantly less obese than I, diet and exercise does not work in the long term, and I don't have the time to keep screwing around.  My body can't really handle being upwards of 400 pounds much longer.  It WILL start failing in major ways... thus far, frustrating as they may be, my health issues have been relatively minor; I can't afford to take this for granted.  I need to get this weight off of me- soon, and quickly.

A big myth is that people with WLS get kind of a free ticket.  I don't know how many people read the diet guidelines my doctor has posted on-line for his patients to follow post surgery but... um, it's not exactly happy happy joy joy fun time at the carnival.  I'd like to see the average person follow even the pre-surgery guidelines (page 4), let alone the clear liquid and liquid diet, onto mashing up food like a baby and basically saying adios to sweets and carbonated beverages, pretty much for life.  Plus, things like not being able to drink through a straw and having to only consume liquids 30 minutes before and / or after a meal, and having to sip, not gulp, liquids slowly- including water- constantly throughout the day... not easy, to say the least.  Plus, consistent strength training to retain lean muscle mass, plus cardio to blast even more fat away at a quicker pace, is required.  Surgery is not easy.  It's an advantage over classic diet and exercise to be sure- especially since it's been proven to actually work in the long term, among other things- and at best maybe it's a sort of shortcut, but it's not cheating or an easy way out.

Gastric bypass works.  It works really, really well  and has changed thousands (possibly millions; I don't know the stats) of peoples' lives.  People that used to look like me are now 150 pounds and really healthy and living in a way they never believed possible.  Gastric bypass takes my dreams and offers them to me as a reality.  I know that things can happen- insurance could, for some reason, deny me (though our coverage precludes them from doing so since it's a guaranteed coverage at 100% so long as I meet the medical qualifications, which I do), or, though I pray it never happens, Jason could get laid off and we could lose the coverage, or some crazy thing could happen (I could get pregnant, which would be sucky timing, though I'd trust God for His will) and this could fall through.  But so long as it's a real possibility I will trust God and I will seek to quit hoping to win the approval of man.

Something tells me that if I am 150 pounds two years from now I quite honestly won't give a damn what people think of me or my methods for how I lost the weight.  Until then, I need to quit worrying that people will think of me as being fat because... well, I am.  Maybe the chamber was loaded with bullet after bullet of genetics and environment and abuse, but I pull the trigger every time I overeat and I got myself into this mess. I can trip all over myself worrying about what others think or I can suck up my pride, have some real faith in my very real God that He is the only one whose opinion matters, and I can pursue this chance in a lifetime that He is giving me.

When I put it like that it all seems pretty simple.

I suppose that's because it is just that simple.  Get over myself, trust Jesus, change my life.

I'm working on it.

[Changes, Tupac]

An e-mail I received today:

post on your blog. now. anything.

Ouch.

She's totally right.  I know I haven't been making blogging a priority.  I want to give a deep introspective reason why... the answer isn't so deep, just simply that lately I feel down about this battle and I don't write.

So here you have it- overall, I'm doing ok.  I've been going back to water aerobics (I will confess that I missed Friday because I honestly totally forgot and then yesterday I unintentionally overslept) and eating has been going really well.  Plus, I've taken Brody for a walk 3 working days in a row now... today, though, I walked for 30+ minutes and I pushed myself too much and my back is killing me.

That's the transition- I feel like my body is just falling apart.  My back aches, my ankles hurt, my feet scream, my neck and shoulders are incessantly tense, I have a headache almost every day... I love my job, and I am blessed to care for an amazingly happy and fun baby, yet I don't have the energy to chase him around and find that often I have to create games to play with him that include me sitting on the ground with him.  Overall, I just feel ick... because my body is meant to be carrying about 200 fewer pounds.  I would be OVERjoyed to weigh in the 160's.  But I digress.

Here's the deal- I'm trying.  I'm not perfect, but I'm really trying to lose weight.  I eat nothing like I did even 6 months ago... in a good way, as in I eat much less and way healthier.  I am building some consistency into my life as far as getting moving.  The weight is not coming off.  I ache more and more and feel worse and worse.  I'm not trying to whine or complain, I'm just struggling to keep a good attitude and not feel frustrated and... ok, I started to type this without thinking, but... weighed down.

The more I think about this, the more grateful I am that the LAP band, or possibly another form of weight loss surgery, is an option.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to have that boost, to get weight off quickly and start to exercise more and more and not have such struggles with my failing body.  I'm still planning to do more research and pray, to make sure this is a wise decision, but just having the option is totally awesome.

So the plan is this: I don't have to have a referral; I simply have to have proof that a doctor supervised me and led me in a plan to try and lose weight for 6 months.  So I have an appointment set for November 3 at a different medical facility than the one I have been going to for the last 4 months (more on that in a minute), to start the 6 month program.  Then, on November 12 there is an information seminar at the hospital we are looking into for the actual procedure.  I'm glad that some things are taking shape and I'm just so looking forward to the boost, even the 6 mos of medical supervision.  Maybe there is a missing piece or something.  To only have to pay $10 copays for my actual office visits, and not another penny out of pocket for the entire procedure (save for maybe a prescription copay if I do end up on a weight loss drug) is simply amazing.

Mini-rant: so I have had some frustrating experiences with doctors.  First, I had a doctor who, upon my first visit (about migraines) put a brochure about weight loss surgery in my hands within 5 minutes, I kid you not.  Then, when we moved to Seattle, I sat with a doctor and explained my struggles to get weight off, that I was exercising as much as I could with my back injury and really focusing on my eating and he was just like, "You really need to just eat less and exercise more".  He said this repeatedly, upon multiple appointments, as did a colleague of his when he was out.  Jason was so upset at how the doctor ignored everything I said, after going to one of my appointments, that he told me I was not ever going back to that doctor again.  Especially because an MRI showed how serious my back injury was, and I was in excruciating pain, and could barely move, and he just kept subtly calling me fat and lazy for not working out at the gym... when I could barely stand up.  Grrr... I'm really hoping my new doctor will be one who actually listens to me and works with me and doesn't just look at me and decide that I'm inherently lazy and a disgusting eater because of my size.  So that's my rant.

Back to good things:

I'm taking things one day at a time, but I won't pretend I don't sometimes fantasize (envision?) what it will be like to walk around Green Lake and go to pumpkin patches with friends in the fall, not be ashamed to be seen eating at a restaurant (even if it's healthy / smart food), having even more amazing sex with my husband, etc.  Not to mention buying new clothes that are bona fide cute clothes and not just trying to make fat people look less homely.  The possibility of this surgery brings tangible hope whereas before thoughts like this were just fantasy.

One final thing- I have to be honest and admit that I struggle a little bit with the fact that if I do lose a huge amount of weight it's a little bittersweet that it will likely be a result of WLS (weight loss surgery).  I think there's still an attitude in this country that it's a cop out, that it's not as meaningful as someone who loses weight without WLS.  I watch The Biggest Loser (actually, I'm watching it right now) and see these people working hard and changing their lives without WLS and I feel a little crappy.  That said... I would rather lose 200 pounds with WLS and get over what people think about my methods than to keep pounding my head against the ground with traditional diet and exercise and remain 360 pounds.

So that's me.  That's the update.  I'll keep you all up to date and quit this junk where I only write once every other week.  It's bunk, and I know it.

Thanks to M, my awesome friend who kicked my tail into gear.

[No Air, Chris Brown & Jordin Sparks]

It's high time for a check-in, particularly since this is the last day I'll ever be 26.  Well, unless I die today, in which case I'll forever be 26. 

My husband really hates it when I say things like that... I don't mean it in a morbid freakish way at all.  Just matter of fact... maybe that's freakish to most.

Anyway, things are looking up.  For one, I went to water aerobics again Monday and I'm working on the mind-change aspect.  The thing is, it is possible to determine something mentally and not be swayed.  For example, divorce is not an option for Jason and me.  Ever.  No matter how rough things ever may get, our only option is to work things out... not just to stay married, but to stay as one in all aspects- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, etc.  If I determine that not working out simply isn't an option then I can change my mind and simply not have the option of not going. 

In the world of Tami, I recognize that things often look up and then dive down and then I make changes and commit and then I fall back into old patterns, more self-destructive than they were before.  I know this.  For right now I just have to take things one day at a time.  I know that this is the pattern of an addict, and the pattern of most morbidly obese people- we find a new diet or new weight-loss something, and we get really excited and are going to change our lives and everyone who loves us gets excited and thinks, "Maybe this is really it!", and then within days (hours, minutes, seconds...) we've decided that "new" thing just doesn't work, or isn't for us, or whatever.  And then we repeat the cycle.  And we stay moribidly obese, miserable, and die young.  Not exactly an enticing life to desire, but... as an addict we stay stuck.

So that's another thing going well-- my husband is in touch with the redemption groups ministry at church.  Basically, these groups are led by people who went through a year of intensive training to work with people in groups to deal with addiction.  I am an addict.  I think I'm not so bad... but I am.  The thought of giving my husband a portion size bigger than mine is enough to make me physically angry.  That's how serious the situation is.  So I'm really looking forward to working out the details to get into one of these groups so I can start really digging into these issues.

Finally, this is all relatively new in development and we'll see how things go, but we found out that my husband's insurance does in fact cover weight loss surgery at 100%.  The only out of pocket costs are possibly some $10 copays for consult visits.  The thing is that I have to, under a doctor's supervision, go through a 6 month program of eating changes and exercise.  We're trying to get into a consult visit with a local bariatric surgeon but the earliest we can get in is December 3, so my husband is going to call a few times a week and try to get me in earlier via a cancelled appt.  I need to meet with the doctor and get more info, but I've done a lot of research into bariatric surgery in the past and I would like to get the LAP band.  You can Google it if you're interested, and I'll talk about it more in depth if I indeed pursue getting the surgery, but it's less invasive and safer than gastric bypass though the results are essentially the same.  With gastric bypass most patients drop the weight a little faster, but for the purpose of skin shrinkage I actually am ok with a slightly slower rate of weight loss. 

Anyway, that's the big news.  I'm still trying to get more on top of this whole blogging bit.  I am not really sure why I haven't been writing as much... though I suspect it's because I haven't felt like I was actually doing much to lose weight, I figured people wouldn't want to read about me not losing weight, and since I can't write a lie, I just sat sort of paralyzed and did nothing.  I'm going to work on writing even if I don't feel like it's good news.  Hopefully 27 is the last birthday that sees me in the 300's.  I'm not staking everything on a surgery, but I've known for a long time that something like the LAP band surgery would be the type of thing that could honestly change my life, and I need the extra support... so I'm feeling hope that I haven't dared feel in a long time.  We're praying and seeking God's wisdom, and I appreciate support from you all, but this very well could be the catalyst for real change that I've been seeking. 

I keep waiting for the ball to drop, to find out that I am rejected for the surgery or to find out that it's not really covered or something.  I am realizing just how pessimistic I really am when it comes to me and my life. I'm always optimistic for others but don't really dare to think positively for myself.  It's time that changed.

[Light On, David Cook]

Still can't stop listenting to David Cook's new song, especially now that I was finally able to buy it on iTunes today. 

This will have to be super quick, because it's late, I'm exhausted, and it will be a long week.

First, I keep gaining weight even though I'm doing things right.  The scale was down to 356 last Monday (or maybe 2 Mondays ago, I can't remember) and since then we have started eating at about 6:30 pm instead of 10 pm, and cut down to simply one 100 cal fudgesicle for dessert (as opposed to ice cream or cookies- those were in moderation, but still- they're fatty sugary messes, and are even worse at 11 pm at night).  I still haven't been to water aerobics (yesterday I went to Bremerton to learn about crazy coupons- more on that in a minute) and I had to catch the 10:15 ferry in order to get a ride to the terminal from my husband, thus, no w.a.  Still, I have been walking about 3 times a week, plus am focusing on portion control.  I should be losing weight.  Instead the scale said 362 this morning.  I just don't get it and am forcing myself to keep trudging along, pushing myself, and to not pig out and give up.  It sucks though.  I'm almost back to my starting weight after losing nearly 30 pounds.  I really need to see a doctor about this.

Secondly, with my husband's job going to half time (aka losing about a third of our income) we have to really get serious about our budget.  Plus, we finally figured out all of our debt and it's over $90,000.  I cried.  That's why I learned the coupon tips, to cut our food/toiletries/household items budget nearly in half.  That's kind of a big deal right now.  He needs a job.  If you live in Seattle-ish and know of some solid entry-level IT position, please let us know and put in a good word for Jas.

Thirdly, my Goompa died yesterday.  I don't know if he knew Jesus, though I have no reason to believe he did and I just have to give it all over to God.  The funeral is Friday morning about 3 hours away so I'll have to miss water aerobics again and overall it's just a really painful thing to go through.  My heart aches for my mom for losing her father when she's still so young (only 51) and for my Grandma, who was married to him for 52 years and now is all alone.  We knew it was coming, and I am grateful that his suffering on earth is over; I can only pray that he's somehow with Jesus, that he had some sort of spiritual awakening in the last hours. 

Lastly, some of you may love it and others hate it, but there's a site that offers money for blogging and I've wanted to write a blog that examines culture by comparing it to God's word, so I started one to earn a little extra cash for our family by combining three things I love- Jesus' word, writing, and pop culture.  Here's the address:

http://16hours.today.com/

I get extra cash for every 1,000 reads or something like that, so feel free to pass it on, whether it's because you love it or hate it.  Either way, we need to not be $90k in debt and it's a joy for me to write about that stuff.  Ignore the annoying ads- that's how they make their money and can afford to pay me, albeit a measly $1 a post.  That's still $30 a month toward debt, which is $365 a year, and I'm finally realizing that every single dollar counts when you're seeking to be a good steward (aka responsible with money). 

Ok.  Too tired to exist.  I'm out.

Last night I was so frustrated with our new (to us) laptop because out of nowhere it just totally and completely froze mid-sentence in a new blog post. I did the traditional wait of a few minutes to let the computer get itself together. Nope. Just stuck in time. No ctrl-alt-del for this freeze- absolutely dead. Zero degrees Kelvin. I was frustrated at the dang computer so I had to do the hard reboot, where you hold the power button down for five seconds. That said, though it wasted some time in my life, once the computer rebooted and got everything together I was able to post my pics and the short post from last night and get on with life. I was fine and you all finally have the pictures and life simply kept going.

There is quite the analogous connection here to my life. The last two weeks haven't been great. I've been dealing with demons, yes, as per my recent post. But I have been frozen, both with the numbers on the scale and with my dedication to my goals. I find myself giving in to the temptations, and I have been reattaching the chains once bound to my feet, shackling me to sin and death. I worked out only once last week- Monday, because I had a personal training appointment. I didn't eat terribly, but I didn't track my calories and I think I was ok but I honestly just don't even know how I did. Yesterday I woke up feeling terrible (actual physical ailments), had to stay home from church for the second week in a row, and spent the day on the couch. I was in genuinely terrible shape physically, but still... Jason had to clean the kitchen, Jason has to do laundry today in the midst of a million other things, and Jason had to take care of pretty much everything. This eats at him and makes me irritable and just isn't great.

I dealt with this in a real mature way yesterday- I decided I wanted a few cat cookies (they're these crunchy ginger flavored cookies from Trader Joe's that are decently healthy and so yummy) but Jason had eaten them all the night before when he stayed up later than me because I basically picked an argument with him. This made me upset with him for eating the cookies, and to get back at him I ate the rest of the ice cream and leftover chocolate sauce (basically melted chocolate chips with heavy cream for dipping strawberries in). I really don't know why I ate it, because I didn't even really want it. It wasn't like trying to curb a craving. I know that deep down I was feeling bad about me so I was actually punishing myself. Nonetheless, just thinking about eating it made me feel so horrible that I threw up- it wasn't even binging, just general queasiness that led to me with my head over the toilet.

Last night, for whatever reason, we also decided to have Jason bring home this dessert-y chocolate chip calzone thing. I really don't know why, since we haven't done anything like that since our first 3 months of marriage when I packed on 40 pounds last year. The worst part is that after 1 bite I realized that it didn't taste very good. So what did I do?

Eat the whole thing (well, my half at least).

Probably 800 calories worth.

Granted, we ate a light dinner in anticipation. And I likely stayed under my 2,600 since getting sick from the ice cream also caused me to un-deposit my lunch. But that's still 800 empty calories of sugar and fat and I feel like crud this morning. I had to force down an oatmeal and I just feel blech.

In addition to utterly ridiculous food and (lack of) exercise choices, I'm dealing with other stuff. Last week I randomly stumbled across the opportunity to be a nanny for a family in the area where Jason and I are moving to in June. It was less hours, only 4 days a week, and almost $100 more a week than I make now- almost as much as I'd make if I were teaching. I was set to go meet the family Wednesday, and I was feeling really good about it and getting increasingly excited about the prospect. I got an e-mail late last night telling me that the family met someone this weekend and are hiring them and that I didn't need to come Wednesday. That was just a big unexpected blow. It wasn't even related to my weight- they'd never met me yet. Honestly, I think I was a little overqualified, being that I have a teaching degree. But still... it was just depressing. I felt so rejected because I was excited about that job opportunity. Add that to the issues with being lame regarding my weight loss goals and I just felt myself getting into a downward spiral.

Not to mention that with all of this I have been grouchy and snappy and argumentative with my husband. Plus, the non-working out funk has seen me mostly setting up shop in front of the TV all night. This means things around the apartment haven't been getting done. Also, I find that when I have my time in the Bible in the mornings it's really just words on a page. There's no connection to what I'm reading. I usually can't even remember what I read 5 minutes later. I mean, I can tell you I read Isaiah 61 &62 but I can't remember what they were about, save for maybe the "money verses" that I know are in chapter 61 without looking at a Bible. But even then, the words had no meaning. Interesting how my refusal to obey Christ, to allow Him any authority, suddenly makes His Word seem void and dull. This is especially tough because Jas and I had to make a tough decision to leave a Bible study we were in (long story, but suffice it to say that it is connected to the church we left, and we stayed in this group primarily because of the people in it whom we love) and this caused issues in said relationships that have been pretty tough on me (and Jason) emotionally.

So... I'm not eating well, not working out, not getting off my butt and not turning off the TV, not treating my husband well, not upholding my end the covenant I made to him in marriage, not connecting spiritually with Jesus, not handling emotional issues regarding possible loss of friendships and job rejection, not really doing anything I should be doing and doing many things I shouldn't.

The last two weeks have been like my frozen computer. I've just been stuck. I was doing so well, working out and counting calories and being dedicated to getting this area of my life under Christ's authority. Then, suddenly, for apparently no reason I just froze and couldn't seem to do a simple ctrl-alt-del to get myself going again. It took seeing how my sin affects my husband and my marriage, and ultimately my relationship with God, to just snap me out of it. I require a hard reboot. I have to be honest on this blog about it, and I have to just get it out there so the shame doesn't drive me back to food.

Community is incredible here. First, I was so encouraged by the wonderful comments many of you left last Friday. Thank you so much, and my honest desire is that my willingness to be real will exhort you, and that your willingness to tell it like it is to me will exhort me. That was incredibly encouraging to me. Also, I went to Fat Fighter Blogs (the button is that bee picture over on on the right; it will take you to the website) which is a community of people all working to lose weight and get fit. Some blogs are better than others. A great one I found, though, is this one:

ExFatGirl

She is a lot like me- late 20's, married, wants to be able to have babies, a teacher (be it my current occupation or no, that's what I am in my heart), and started at 400 pounds. Her build is similar, in that while she's 3" shorter than I am she has a lot of muscle mass. I cannot get over how frustrated I was watching The Biggest Loser, with girls who look the same as me, yet who weighed over 100 pounds less. She sounds much the same. Anyway, she's lost 135 pounds since she started almost exactly a year ago. This is incredibly encouraging to me, because I feel so bummed out and stuck at 20. I'm actually going to work on reading through her old blogs from when she started out, just to get more encouragement. Something tells me that if she can do this, I can do this.

So, bringing it all full circle, I've been paralyzed the last two weeks, stuck and not moving ahead. But I am rebooting. This matters too much. I want a clean apartment, a healthy marriage, a healthy relationship with Jesus, a healthy body, healthier emotions, and, most of all, to be able to check in at my one year mark of starting this and to find that I actually have lost a lot of weight and my life is changing. I can do this, I will do this, and today is a new day to shut everything off and start over. And just like last night wasted a few minutes of my life while the laptop was frozen and then I rebooted, these last two weeks were a bit of a waste, but they are done and I don't have to live in them.

Today I am on track so far with food, I have a training session tonight, and overall my attitude is much better. Here's to fresh starts.

I know it's been a bit silent- for that I apologize!

I just have to let you all know that my workout last week- while grueling- was awesome! He had me sweating enough to drench my shirt, and I definitely felt it the next day! And the coolest part is that I (mostly) replicated the routine at home on Saturday, so that was good.

Easter went well- I was controlled and careful. I did eat one extra piece of ham, but beyond that I did a great job of eating small portions, slowly, enjoying the food and really just enjoying the family. We even grabbed dinner in Seattle (not something we planned for, but we didn't make the 6:30 church service, so it was 7 and we were SO HUNGRY! We attended the 8:30 service and didn't get home until nearly 11 so it was a good thing we grabbed dinner) and I had a turkey club, but I only ate 2/3 of it and gave the rest to the J-Man.

Now, all of that said, I am nervous about tomorrow's weigh-in. For one, I will start my period in the next few days, and I feel bloated. Also, I could not. Stop. Eating. Yesterday. I was craving EVERYTHING. Salty. Sweet. Savory. Crunchy. Creamy. UGH! I actually only ate around 2,800 calories when all was said and done, but I felt like crap for doing so. And my stomach FREAKED out. You don't want to know this, but I had the worst gas EVER. The only good thing is that my husband and I laughed A LOT last night :) But I had a migraine yesterday and still feel generally crappy today so... meh.

Lastly... I know I'll likely regret this, but I just can't make myself eat today. Jason had to all but force me to eat some cereal this morning, I ate a banana around 12:30, and some Trader Joe's peanut butter crackers around 1:30. I just can't make myself eat lunch. I have zero appetite and still horrific gas, which, believe you me, is no fun when you're at work.

And I'm seriously nervous about tomorrow's weigh-in. If it's over 350 I will want to cry. I don't care if it's 5 extra pounds of water weight. I know that I weighed 348 on Friday because I just felt lighter so I cheated and checked. That was a pound and a half down from last Wednesday's weigh-in.

Ugh. I know I need to quit stressing and just push on toward the goal, but... I just really don't want to weigh more! I know that it's not due to calories- 200 extra calories for two days won't slam me into fat gain. Still.

Any comforting words? I feel kind of needy.

So, we find ourselves at the lovely weigh-in Wednesday, numero dos. I'll just get the numbers out of the way.

Starting Weight: 367 (circa January 15, 2008)

Starting BMI: 57.5

Week 2: 351.0 (March 12, 2008)

Week 2 BMI: 55.0

Pounds Lost This Week: 0

BMI Lost This Week: 0

Total Pounds Lost: 16

Total BMI Lost: 2.5

% Weight Lost This Week: 0

Total % Lost: 4.36%

***

Can I just say GRRR? I wasn't perfect this last week, but I sure wasn't eating 3,600 calories a day (what it takes to maintain my weight) and doing nothing to boot! How frustrating. Everyone who knows I'm stuck here is like, "Oh, yeah, people hit plateaus... just keep on pushing through." And yes, they are right that people hit plateaus, but a plateau after a mere 16 pounds when I have 10x that to lose? I won't pretend it doesn't piss me off a little!

Whew. Ok, after that rant... this inspires me to get even more dedicated to tightening up the slack. For example, yesterday there were snacks at Community Group and I had every intention of only getting me some pineapple, getting a key lime bar for Jason and one for me but eating two small bites and letting him have the rest, and nothing more. But then there were dang nanaimo bars up there, and I love those stinkin' chocolatey delicious wonders! So then I ate about 3/4 of one.

I know it's not the end of the world, but still... it's those little areas where the "little foxes" will sneak in and "spoil [my] vineyards" (from Song of Solomon 2:15). I'm getting better every day about not just gorging on copious amounts of food, but I still struggle with the small stuff- eating a bite here and there while making dinner, the little bit extra when I measure a serving size of dressing / condiments, etc. All told, I'm sure those calories add up- and set up, as in residence on my fabulously bulky hips.

The other thing, though, in all fairness, is that I may have not been eating enough in recent weeks which may have halted my metabolism. I simply don't know. But I'm going to stick to the plan, work out according to what Kei and I set earlier this week, and keep a strict calorie log in order to know exactly how many calories I am consuming. That gets to be a pain in the tookey when you like to cook as much as I do, with so many random ingredients, but such is life and I'll be ok!

Anyway, thank you all for your support and seriously, it really does mean a lot when you encourage me so even when I don't respond to every comment (any?) know that I do take your words to heart and am blessed by your support!

First, I am so sorry- I was such a grouch yesterday!

Secondly, a word on PMS- I hate the way that simple hormones can rage through my body and make me feel like I'm trapped in my body unable to overcome this other horrifyingly terrible... well, bitch... who has taken me over. I've considered seeing a doctor, because it gets so bad. I've never been into a lot of the "chemical imbalance" mumbo jumbo, but seriously- I feel so hopeless when my PMS peaks. I literally feel like my entire world is just bleak and I hate everyone and everything, particularly me, and I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

Then, it's like a dam breaks and suddenly I'm back to my normal self, terrified that I could ever feel the way I had and unable to understand how it happens. I swear that I'll be able to overcome it next month, but then it happens again and I once again feel like a prisoner stuck in my body with no ability to affect the body's moods and attitude and actions.

Does anyone else have that? It keeps getting worse as I get older, too. I used to really guilt myself, thinking that if I only loved Jesus enough then it wouldn't happen, and that it was no excuse and that I was a horrible Christian who didn't deserve the label. I'm learning to come to grips with the fact that this hormone stuff is very real, and that I need to deal with it- even if that means medical help. I can't just overcome this on my own power.

The weight stuff, on the other hand, is really changing. I mean, ok, the scale was still 252.something this morning, but I did start my period yesterday so I'm holding onto hope that it's water weight. I worked out even harder than ever before (seriously- on the elliptical I thought I might pass out!) and once again my muscles remember the workout from yesterday :) One of the trainer people said that if you're muscles are sore the next day then it's good because they're burning more calories than normal. I hope so, because my ass is KILLING ME!!

Eating isn't perfect, but it's good. I'm really working on controlling portions and when I eat- no more just mindless snacking, or at least I try to hold back as much as possible. In addition, I'm working with what I know about myself- I really need a sweet treat at night or I feel deprived and then binge. If I try to be all "smart" and get something I don't really like (say, frozen yogurt or fruit) then I won't eat it and then I'll feel doubly deprived and guilty for spending the money, and then binge. Thus, we will buy sweet snacks when we do our weekly shopping trip tomorrow night, and we'll immediately package it in little portion sizes. Otherwise we'll just overeat (Jason has the same issues) and it's a bad cycle!

It's pretty sweet that my body is still changing. I can feel my muscles- my legs especially- getting really tight and hard under my chubs. I want to keep melting the chubs away to put them muscles on display! I'm stronger than the average girl, which is nice, so I'm pumped to see what my body might look like if I keep doing the work to strengthen muscles and burn fat.

Ok, last thing... I'm working on being more thankful. I feel like I've somehow fallen into a rut where I am quick to complain but extremely slow to notice good things. I plan to go into it more later, but I recognize the complaining and bad attitude (particularly at/about my job) as a symptom of not thanking God for His Will in my life. As I said... more on that in the next entry :) For now, I should get back to the grind-- only 2 hours and 21 minutes until the weekend!!

PS I have the world's greatest husband and I love him so much! I just want to go home and just enjoy being in his presence!! I can't wait until 5!

Apparently, my body doesn't think it's time to be under 350 pounds.

Yesterday I was 352.2 and today was 353.3. Which, I must say, is really freaking irritating.

I have not eaten enough calories to gain three pounds! That would be upwards of 10,000 calories, and I haven't even had that many calories this entire week.

The only thing I can figure is that it's water weight, because I began that wonderful time of the month today (in other news, hopefully that means I'll stop being so downright mean, particularly to my husband). At least tonight is a workout so maybe things will press though. *sigh*

Randomosity:

I hate it when people write a sentence like this:

The only thing I can figure, is that it's water weight...

I hate that. I mean, I can get going a hundred miles an hour when typing and miss a comma, but seriously... some people are dumb.

I guess I'm not done being mean :)

I feel a little frustrated.

I have stated, and am sincere about, the fact that I don't care if I'm never "skinny", but that I merely want to know I'm healthy and being a good steward of this body I have been given.

That said, the scale has been stuck at about 353 for two solid weeks now. I'm doing a good job of staying close to 1,800 calories a day, and I've been working out HARD. Yesterday on the elliptical it was much harder than normal, but I pushed through it and more sweat exited my body than I knew my overworked glands could produce.

It's frustrating, because in the first 3 weeks I dropped 17 pounds- I was even 349.8 one morning when I weighed in. Then, I leveled out to about 353 despite upping the intensity of my workouts. I can say I've been less strict with food, but I was only eating like 400 calories by 6 pm for a bit and now I'm into a schedule. I'm pretty honest about my eating, and I don't think that literally 5 cashews (about 70 calories) caused me to stop losing weight.

As a side note here, I am in the works of seeing about visiting an endocrinologist. A doctor friend who has been practicing for upwards of 25-30 years recommended that I look into metphormin (sp?) and get specialized tests to really look for possible thyroid and blood sugar problems. I can say that I feel hungry ALL OF THE TIME! Even after a meal, I'm still hungry. And not my-mouth-wants-food hunger, but actual stomach-pains hunger. But if I ate until I no longer felt hungry I'd creep back up to pressing 400 pounds. That's scary.

As another aside, I do need to schedule my 5 personal trainer sessions at 24-Hour Fitness; I will work with them to figure out how many calories a day my body actually needs. A normal woman's body will go into starvation mode if she eats under 1,000 calories and actually burn muscle and store fat. I know that on The Biggest Loser Jillian told a 240 pound woman that she needed to be eating at least 1,800 calories a day to keep her metabolism revved up. Since I weigh 110 pounds more, I wonder if I'm eating too little. But then I checked an online BMR calculator (it only takes height, weight, and age into consideration and I know that I am more muscular and have a large frame, so this is just a rough estimate) and it said my body needs basically 2,400 calories a day to maintain this size. SO... ARGH! I need professional help to figure my body out. It just sucks to not be losing weight after pushing my body beyond all limits!

I know that what matters is that I press on, and know that I'm working hard, but I want my physical body to represent the internal changes going on. Tami two months ago would have done 5 minutes on the elliptical, found it more tiresome than normal, and begged Jason to leave the gym because she felt miserable. Tami last night pressed through, reducing the resistance and incline by 1-2 levels until she hit her second wind at around 13 minutes, and then upped them higher than where they were when she started. I want my body to reflect that hard work!

This brings up a point I have often pondered... as a follower of Jesus Christ, I know that Christians tend to focus on their struggles. We all have at least one area that we struggle with in particular throughout our lives. As I've said, dealing with painful rejection through food addiction has been mine. The consequence is that my area of "sin struggle" is obvious as soon as you see me.

This is really tough. On the one hand, people judge me all of the time. I see it in their eyes. Even some "godly" Christians get a film of loathing and disgust on their face when they look at me, because they just can't fathom how any person could be so weak as to let themselves look this way. To be fair, non-Christians have done it, too, and many others have been loving and accepting regardless of their faith system.

A friend of mine found my blog yesterday, and she opened up about some of her weight struggles on her own blog. I have to share a quote with you, because when I read it this morning it resonated deeply with me:

I can't help but wonder what we would all look like if our spiritual struggles were evident through our physical bodies, and how much more level the course might be as we run this race together.

I love this. I've thought a lot about how my sin is evident, hanging in an excess of 200 pound son my body. What I've never thought about is this:

• What if every person who is prone to constant issues with anger had their skin turn various shades of red in proportion to their struggle?
  
  
• What if those struggling with envy and greed had the same skin issue, but in the color green?
  
  
• What if people steeped in pride developed hideous warts and nasty open sores all over their body to represent how ugly pride is to God?
  
  
• What if Christians who condemn the gays, and "heathens" who live together without being married, yet who are sleeping with their "godly" Christian boyfriend who is studying to be a pastor, or who are a man who is addicted to porn and masturbation, had a big flashing red A on their forehead and the word "hypocrite" covered their body like a thousand tattoos?
  
  
• What if "Christians" who worship their religion and their own quest for personal holiness possessed an overpowering stench to all who came within 100 feet of them, the same way their rotten souls smell to God?

I could go on for awhile more, but I think I've made my point. I would hope that instead of condemning those people as a hopelessly lost cause we would come alongside them, get over our own fear that their blatant sin would rub off on us, and encourage them to run this race toward eternity even harder, leaving the past behind and pressing on toward what is ahead.

I doubt any other sin will ever be quite as evident as loving food more than Jesus Christ, but it's something to really ponder. I'd love to hear your insight, and I thank those of you "little Christs" once again who are coming alongside me, refusing to fear the ugliness that is my food addiction, and pressing on toward the prize with me. And if you're not a Christian, it may sound crazy, but I'm sure the points I made have application in your life, too, regardless of your faith stance.