[All We Are, OneRepublic]

Part 1

This ended up being hella long so I'm breaking 'er up into two parts, one posting now in the wee hours of Monday morning and the second scheduled to post tomorrow (Tuesday.  Duh.).  Because I love you and I know you get exhausted sometimes, what with me being so verbose and all.  You can't say I never did anything for you.

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So... the last week, eating wise... not so good.

For one, the last few posts were written before I knew we'd be stuck in Seattle over Christmas.  Which wasn't entirely terrible.  I mean, Jas became a guitar hero and I fully discovered Hulu.com (LOVE it, btw).  It was a bit too sad to go through each one and edit them to read that I wrote them ahead of time, in prep for a holiday with fam, but that we had to stay home alone yet again.  Last year we were shunned from the family function (long story that I'm not privy to tell here on-line for the whole world to read) and spent Christmas and New Year's just the two of us in our apartment.  That's not a terrible thing, don't get me wrong, but it's lonely.

So, anyway, I just didn't want to go through my pre-written posts and edit out the "we're with family!" stuff.  I just left them.  And I'm fixing it now, you know, by telling you again that I was actually here the whole time even though the scheduled posts from the last few days say otherwise.  But you get it so I'll move on.

So here's what we did do- we said to heck with gluten free and bought a ham, potatoes, stuffs for green bean casserole, sausage and such for tasty stuffing, and the makings for a birthday cake for Jesus.  No, really.  It's kind of a cool tradition, with candles and such to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.  Sounds cheesy, I'm sure, but it's a cool way to keep the focus where it needs to be.

The issue is that we ate an entire cake in four days.  I ate 7 out of twelve pieces in four days.  Not healthy.  We ate about 75% of the ham in four days (the rest is on the bone, in the freezer, to eventually make split pea soup- yummy!).  All of the stuffing.  The green bean casserole.  And a Costco sized pizza.  And had fast food twice.

There was never any real bingeing in my part, no uncontrollable eating, no stuffing in of the food.  But it was a lot of food, spread out though it was, and many calories were consumed in a short period of time.  Much more so than in a normal week, and definitely more processed and high sugar and fatty foods.  Ick.  I'm scared to weigh myself.  But I will.  On January 1st I will weigh myself, and I'll quit wussing out and missing weigh-ins.  I did drop to a low of 354 this month, which is nice, but I am sure I am way over that right now.

The truth is, I feel gross.  I don't feel good.  The food seems like it will be lovely, and as I eat it, the taste is great and comforting and satisfying.  But then... I feel disgusting.  Like, one day I ate 3 pieces of cake and fistfuls of ham and tons of other crap that made me feel like... crap.  When I ate it the food seemed so good but was it worth it?

There's this episode of Sex and the City where Miranda is trying to lose the ominous baby weight, so she goes to a Weight Watchers meeting.  She meets a guy while there, and they end up, after a few meetings, going out to a diner where they split an original glazed Krispy Kreme donut.  Miranda eats her half, moaning in ecstasy, and says, "See, this is worth it.  This is worth being fat for."  Or something to that effect.

The deal is... for her, at like 20 pounds overweight, it probably is.  But when you weigh 350+ pounds it's not really.

Did you know that I'm so obese that it puts intense pressure on my bladder and I suffer from some level of incontinence (not impotence!).  Yeah.  Like, when I have to pee, I have to pee NOW.  I usually can't get my pants down fast enough and, to be totally vulnerable here, I've had a small leak a few times.  I don't full on piss myself, but enough escapes that I have to change my underwear.  It's actually kind of common in morbid obesity.

Why does no one tell you that?  "Hey, by the way, don't be 200 pounds overweight because you'll have bladder control located somewhere between a fully gestated 40-weeks pregnant woman and oops! I just laughed but thank the good Lord for Depends! 73-year old Aunt Mildred."

Just saying.  Maybe I would have paid a little more attention as the pounds began to pile on.

There are other unpleasant things.  You know, the getting exhausted just going grocery shopping and being completely worn out from spending 9 hours a day with a 1 year old (one year old!  Brody turned one the 23rd, just before Christmas).  The lack of creative possibilities in the marital bliss department (you know you get that, don't scoff).  The utter disgust I feel when I see my reflection in the turned-off TV when I'm sitting in my chair.  The way I feel like my stomach pulls me around instead of me actually carrying it as I walk.

Really, though, it's just frustrating.  The renewed dedication, the commitment to truly change, and then the next round of, "So, I really sucked it hard this last week" that usually corresponds to my most recent bout with PMS.  It's exhausting.  Really, something's gotta give.

To be continued...