[Hide and Seek, Imogen Heap]
I've been thinking a lot about faith lately, and what it looks like to live it out. In my own life, certainly one aspect of living out faith in Jesus Christ is obedience, yet I pretty much suck at it.
One of my prayers in this battle against food addiction (not to mention worshiping the idol of comfort) is for the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom and insight, so that when I'm in the moment where I am about to sin He will help me to see it, realizing that I'm in a crux moment where I can either choose to sin or to obey Jesus. With that, I pray for the strength and faith to obey, and for the fortitude to flee the situation.
This is a dangerous prayer to pray, because when I do sin the weight of the consequences is far heavier than I am used to. In the past I would numb myself to what I was doing, ignore it, and hide from it. When I pray to be cognizant of what I am doing the simple awareness is a far sharper sword. I can't hide or escape and I have to face God the Father with the painful truth that I have willfully disobeyed Him, denying the immense grace given me through the cross of Jesus, and rejecting the immeasurable power of the Holy Spirit to refute sin. When I was numb and escaping daily it was honestly far easier.
That said, numb escape got me to where I am, a miserable 350 (348.something today, actually) pound mess trapped in a body that can't really live.
So, big news flash: I'm still a sinner. Example: I haven't binged in months. I can't actually remember the last time I binged. I've definitely overeaten at times or made poor choices, but as far as just eating and eating and eating... I thought I was over it. Then, yesterday, I was putting eggs into a pot to boil and make egg salad for my lunches for the week. I accidentally dropped one in too hard, forming a hairline crack, and found myself in a quandary- boil it anyway? (no. It would crack completely and make a gross mess.) throw it away? (no. I can't waste food!) put it back and use it later? (no. I'm pretty sure that can make you sick.) eat it? (of course! though I was totally not even remotely hungry.)
Remember the beginning of the post, where I talked about my prayer for conscious awareness of when I'm about to sin? Well, in that moment I had the very clear thought (thank you, Holy Spirit) of, "I'm not hungry and I really don't need to eat this." My next thought was, "I'm going to fry this with a runny yolk and eat toast with it!" (sorry, Holy Spirit).
The next thing I knew, I was frying two eggs in butter and making two pieces of (buttered) toast. Then, I ate it, decided it was really good, and that I would make more. So then I was frying three eggs in butter and making two more pieces of (buttered) toast. And I was pretty much done after that, numbing myself to all that I had just eaten. But then I got caught up in an episode of Ugly Betty and forgot about my boiling eggs on the stove, until I heard the popping sounds a pan makes when it's on high and all of the water has evaporated because it boiled for almost an entire hour. I was mad at myself for being so stupid, and made the *genius* decision to grab the carton of ice cream (that's supposed to stretch into small bowls for my husband and I all week long) and a spoon, to take back to the computer to finish my UB episode. I figured I'd just take a couple of bites from the edges when it got melty (my favorite).
And... the next thing I knew I was digging for the peanut butter ripple and greedily shoving in bite after bite after bite after bite and I couldn't stop thinking about how I was willfully sinning against God and how unbelievably selfish I was because this was Jason's ice cream, too, and I was hogging it and what is wrong with me? and I'm not even hungry or sad or trying to avoid emotions or comfort myself or anything and I just can't stop because I won't stop because I don't want to stop and I won't ask for help I'll just eat it and not think.
Finally, I did stop, with only about a cup or so of the ice cream left. And then I purged.
I threw up, on purpose, until my entire stomach was completely empty. The ice cream was still cold coming back up, and I sat there staring at the toilet bowl, filled with a chocolate cloud of melted ice cream and hastily chewed bits of buttery eggs and bread. My eyes were watering- they always do when I throw up. Deep red indentations marked the knuckle at the base of my pointer finger, from where my teeth dug into my hand as I forced it into the back of my throat. Drips of ice cream and chunks of the solid matter slid down my finger, dropping into the toilet, screaming at me as evidence of my transgression.
And I wondered- how in the hell did I get here? I haven't binged or purged in months and months. I've been tempted, but always refrained. Why am I so broken that suddenly I was right back there?
I flushed the toilet, washed my hands, dried my eyes, grabbed my phone, and sat in the dark on my favorite chair. I prayed for forgiveness, confessing the sin to Jesus Christ and asking for His grace despite my wretchedness. Then I called my husband. I told him everything, realizing that only the whole truth would flood that dark part of me with light. Partial truth leaves a remnant of darkness, and that is where the power of the sin grows.
Jason was heartbroken- he hates the grip this sin so often holds on me. He encouraged me and told me he loved me and that he wants the sin to die. He inquired as to why it happened, and I had no answer.
I still don't.
I do know this- the Holy Spirit answered my prayer and gave me that very real moment where I knew not to do something and I did it anyway. I wish I could say I fled the kitchen at that instant and prayed or did something else or called a friend or something. I didn't. I willfully and cognizably chose to disobey God and openly sin against Him. In the process I hurt myself, my husband, and all of the people who love me and are desperate to see me declare victory in this battle.
I've asked Jesus for forgiveness and repented.
I've asked my husband for forgiveness and repented.
Now, I am asking you for forgiveness. You pray for me, you support me, and you are hurt when I choose to sin and cling to my food addiction. I'm repenting.
Repentance literally means agreeing with God and turning my face toward Him and my back turned to sin. I am giving you my (written) word that I will take this commitment more seriously.
I read the blog post today of a woman who has come upon her 1-year-anniversary of blogging and committing to losing weight. She's lost 64 pounds, looks amazing, and has an entirely new outlook on life. I am continually inspired by another woman who, though she doesn't post very often, started not much bigger than I am and lost 135 pounds in her first year of pursuing weight loss.
I'm now less than 6 months away from my one-year anniversary of this blog (my first post was January 26 of this year) and I've only lost 18 and some odd pounds. I can't honestly say I've truly committed myself whole-heartedly to taking this seriously. If excuses made for couture I'd make Victoria Beckham look like a bag lady with grand aspirations to work at Ross Dress For Less.
Food addiction is killing me and sucking the living out of the life I have. Enough has to be enough. The breaking point must come, my heart must change, and I must surrender to Jesus.
This is repentance. Don't be afraid to call me out on it or ask probing questions. God said it first-- it is not good for (wo)man to be alone. Sure, that's out of context, but the Bible consistently carries a theme of Christians needing each other. Even if you're not a Christian, you're part of this and I am not too proud to admit I need all of the help I can get.
Consider this Day 1 of my re-enlistment to this here Foode Fight.
This entry was posted
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at Tuesday, August 05, 2008
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bad foode habits,
surrender to Jesus
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