... Well of course you did.

Still no deep answers to the roller coaster.

I can say that, cheesy as it may be, today is a new month. May... I'm a much bigger fan of months that are even numbered (February=2, April=4, June=6... October=10, etc.) save for July(=7 but since my favorite multiplication problem is 3x7=21, and I love the number 7, and I love July, and the Fourth of July is my favorite holiday... well, you get it) but May is a new month and a goodbye to the hellish ups and downs that were April. I have to figure out why, still, but I know one thing.

I am self-destructive. Once I taste success I start to retreat. A big weight loss doesn't inspire me to work harder and compound that success. Instead, I suddenly find myself mired in a series of mini-implosions where I have shot holes right through my success.

Honestly, it's the little foxes that lead to the larger problems. I miss one workout, then pop 2-3 bites in while making dinner... then, as if from nowhere, I realize that I haven't had a week of solid workouts since I had the big 5 pound drop a few weeks ago, and I snack so much while making dinner that I am not even hungry anymore by the time I sit down to eat what has been prepared.

And this self-destructiveness goes both ways. I don't just cheat myself when I have success- I also punish myself when I fail. Yesterday was HORRIBLE for eating. The 5 pound gain pretty much led to a "what the hell am I trying for?" attitude. I never actually caught myself thinking that, but I did catch myself in a mini-binge on the tortilla chips in the break room here at work... probably 600 calories worth because I just kept going back for more. I don't even like them, as far as tortilla chips go, which is pathetic.

I've felt cruddy all week, too- a headache that won't go away. It's fairly reminiscent of my increasing headaches from late last year, which led to the fateful MRI when I found out I weighed 367 pounds. I keep trying to drink more water, work on posture (it could be a tension headache from sore trap muscles), get enough sleep, rest, etc, but it just lingers. No medicine will touch these, save for the oxycodone prescription I have, but even that only helps for maybe an hour... then I am so loopy and out of it, and sleepy, that the entire day is shot. I'd rather just deal with the pain. It sucks because all kinds of tests left me with no answers, my job started getting rocky from having to be at the doc so much, and I don't get any sick leave so it hit the budget, too, and I just gave up. And they actually went away for awhile. Now they're back and getting worse. So it leads to me not having the energy to do much of anything, but then I feel terrible (Jas ends up doing a LOT of the work around our home) and terribly grouchy, which leads to arguments because it's just sucky.

Overall, I have got to learn to stop making excuses. And... though 5 pounds have jumped back on my body, be it temporarily or no, I will not get back to 367. Twenty pounds are gone and will stay gone. More will leave. But I do still really need to figure out why I am so self-destructive, and pat answers won't work. I could just go, "Oh, I'm a sinner... this is just who I am." Yes, I AM a sinner, and I won't be perfect, but at the same time I need to repent and continue repenting. There aren't any excuses for the roller coaster. And I honestly feel it's deeper than just the simple "Oh I'm a sinner" answer.

I also know that today is a new day, a new month, and that I am setting goals. So, here are my goals.

1) Lose 12 pounds in the month of May (to ensure that I am into the 320's)

2) Exercise: strength train 3x a week for at least 20 minutes and do cardio (including walking) 3x a week for at least 30 minutes. Does not have to be at the gym, but must be quality working out. No half-assedness.

3) Write down EVERY. SINGLE. MORSEL. of food that goes into my mouth, even on weekends when my eating is less good, and even if I don't know the caloric/nutritional information. Average 2,400 - 2,600 calories a day.


4) Track my eating and exercise on my calendar- star if I ate within calories, an S if I strength train, and a C if I do cardio. The goal, then, is 12 S's, 16 C's, and 28 stars.

5) Sort of related to exercise, but average 4,000 steps a day on my pedometer for the month of May.

I don't have any good rewards in mind. I usually find rewards to be sort of pointless because unless it's something I really, really want I don't do it, and then if I really, really want it I let myself have it even if I don't meet my goals. Plus, we have a tight budget, especially with planning a move into Ballard (awesome neighborhood in Seattle) next month (weird that June is now next month, after months of saying "In mid-June" and having it sound so far away) and a lot of places want first and last month's rent (in the $900 range for each, with our budget) and typically a deposit of $500 or so. Yikes. Maybe the reward can be playing-the-Sims2 time, being that I seem to be really into that lately. I go through spurts with that game... I hadn't played in over a year and now I can hardly tear myself away from the computer to watch American Idol, which is typically quite high on my priorities-at-night list.

The end.