[Let Me Be Myself, 3 Doors Down]
NOTE: I'm sorry for the lack of spaces down below. Blogger hates me, and though I put in like 8 spaces between the pictures and paragraphs they just all cram together and I am frustrated! I'll try to edit it later and see if it fixes itself. I loves me some Google, but wth? Argh.
Sorry I've been quiet- I've been stuck in my apartment since Thursday and there's not been a heck ton to say. I was inspired this morning about something, though, so I'll get to that in a minute. One reason I haven't blogged, additionally, is that I was kind of burned. There was a situation where I was really convicted about my attitude toward someone, confessed to them, and... nilch. No response. The deal is, it tests me, how I respond. I mean, have you ever done the right thing for the right reasons, had a less than desirable response, and then become angry and self-righteous? That's the danger, and as I struggled through those feelings, seeking to surrender them to Jesus, I didn't blog because I didn't trust myself to not say things I would regret later, lashing out at the person. Thus, I was kind of quiet.
I did, btw, make an INCREDIBLE meal last week, a tasty vodka sauce dish, and I took pics so I'll try to get that up. Maybe I'll make it and set it to post while we're gone-- we're (supposed) to drive from Seattle, WA to Missoula, MT on Christmas Eve (provided we can make it over the pass!). Yippee.
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You see all of the dark green parts? 'Dem be high, very snowy, mountain passes. We're renting a full-size car, so hopefully it will be safer. I'm working on convincing Jason that something AWD, perhaps an SUV, would be smarter... I have been unsuccessful thus far. Meh. Even Spokane, on the eastern border of WA (where I lived for 5 years!), which isn't all that mountainous has like 3 feet of snow. Nuts.
At the end of the post I'll show you a few pics I took of our lovely foot or so of snow here in SeaTown. But for now... thoughts on fatness. My husband and I were showering (Yep. Together. We're hot like that.) and somehow we got into a conversation about how he's not a douchebag. For any SNL fans, we think this shirt is funny:
Listen, we know it's not redeemed. It's crude, and we get that. Still funny, albeit in a kind of sad way. The point is, I was telling Jas how I wanted to buy him this shirt, just a little bit, but he'd never be able to wear it because he's not a douchebag. Those were my exact words. Then we started talking about how glad we are that he's not a douchebag (sorry for the repeated use of the word... 'tis what we were saying. But I'll lay off and say "db" for my more sensitive readers!). I told him that if here a db, the kind of guy who would actually wear that shirt, he'd probably be with someone way hotter than me.
I'm not harshing on myself. But think about it- how many gorgeous girls do you know who are with total jerks? What is that, anyway? Sure, I know fabulously beautiful women with amazing non-dbs. My sweet friend Bekah comes to mind- she's super hot and her husband is super sweet and a generally amazing guy. But I also know very sexy women who are with total jerks. Guys who care more about the trophy on their arm, proof of their manliness based on how hot their "catch" is.
I always wanted to be hot before I met "the one", assuming that losing weight would make me more lovable, more worthy of a quality man. Praise God that He had other plans- I was still 350+ pounds when I met Jason. Granted, it was online, which was exactly what I didn't want because I assumed only fat & or ugly people meet online. I actually remember praying that God would send me to Seattle, to find a good church and meet a man there. I rather appreciate His sense of humor in me stumbling across Jas online. You can read our story here.
The thing is, Jason and I grew really close via e-mails and phone calls. We were always 100% ourselves, right from the beginning, and I knew he fell in love with me for me, for who I was. Even better was that, regardless of my size, he was in awe of how beautiful he always says I am. He has always told me how incredibly hot I am to him, that he loves me at any size. He wants me to be healthy, but it's who I am and not how I am that draws him to me.
I remember reading another blog once, a fellow weight-loss blogger. I don't remember which one, lest I direct you her way, because it was quite awhile ago. But I remember that she had lost quite a bit of weight, like 50 pounds, and she was lamenting on her blog that her husband hadn't even noticed. I remember being completely shocked. For one, Jason and I are so close and we do everything together. I wouldn't even bother trying to lose weight if my J-Man weren't in this with me, supporting me and loving me through it. Secondly, even if I somehow were losing weight as some sort of surprise for him, I guarantee you that long before 50 pounds he would notice and praise and love me right on up the loving-husband ladder.
I am truly blessed. The deal is, though, I don't have to be thin to have an incredible husband. Every woman, regardless of her size, deserves an amazing man who loves her for who she is. Even better, women should have a man who is consciously yielding himself to Jesus, loving his wife as Jesus loves the church. Selfless, unconditional, sacrificial, encouraging, complete love. Jason is far from perfect- he's a sinner. He's made me cry. But... I'm a sinner and I've been a complete you-know-what to him more times than I can count. Honestly, had Jesus not sent us to Mars Hill a little over a year ago, I don't know how our marriage would be doing. That's the beauty of Jesus- He makes broken things new and beautiful and it has nothing to do with religion.
So I've been thinking all day about how grateful I am to have met Jason while still obese. I know that he loves me for me, as I am, who I am. If and when I lose weight, his feelings for me won't change based on how I look. The longer we're married I know he'll love me more and more for who I am because of the insanely wonderful way Jesus knits hearts and souls together. So, I'm grateful and I love my husband. I'm so thankful that he's not a db, too :)
Speaking of my man, here are a few pics of his truck in the driveway. He's a sexy rock star and keeps shoveling and clearing things out (our house and the ones on either side of us are the only ones on the street with clear sidewalks because he's a sweet servant like that) so it's hard to see, but I'll just give ya whatever I got ;) I can't lie- it's COLD out there and I'm a wimp so I just opened the door to take pics. I'm not venturing into that cold, snowy wonderland for the LIFE of me. Anyway, enjoy!
J's truck in the driveway on Saturday, around 4pm.
Same day, about 6 hours later.
Even though there's a fence 12 feet from our door, the wind blew in some drifts that started to stack up, as can be seen in the above pic. My sexy and sweet husband got rid of it, though, and even deiced it so we have a clear, though wet, stoop now :) This was also on Saturday, btw.
I took this one this morning- this is our landlord's car, parked in our driveway (they live upstairs, we in the basement, but since our "front" door faces the driveway they don't use it and it's "ours") because they are out of town for a few weeks. Seriously, though- Seattle rarely gets this much snow. We average like... I think 11" a year of snow, usually in wee little increments that melt as quickly as they hit the ground because the temperature is usually above freezing. We have that much now, all at once, and it's not melting! 'Tis nuts.
This is our driveway; I took it while Jas was at work this morning, so you can see where his truck was parked. I love how beautiful the tree looks!
This is another view, looking out into the street. Winter wonderland, what?
Here are a few bonus pics for your enjoyment, from this past weekend:
Look- LOOK- at that hella huge and scary spider! It's so big that when I saw it out of the corner of my eye I was scared that it was a rodent, not a FREAKING HUGE SPIDER! For perspective, look how huge it is compared to my sock (yes, I have a horrible habit of coming home, immediately taking off my clothes, and leaving them right there in the middle of the living room. Hey, I don't have kids, my man thinks it's sexy (well, the naked part) and I am enjoying it while it lasts, so suck it. Nonetheless, that's one big spider.
Here's a close up of scary spider, just before Jason killed it for me. Letting it outside, into the sub-freezing temps and foot of snow, would have been cruel. Crueler than a quick death, at least. Shudder. I zoomed in, because my camera has AMAZING zoom qualities- don't you think for a second that getting closer to that monster was ever an option! Hells no!
Last, though certainly not least, one of the sports highlights of my weekend save for the Seahawks win, Titans win (they aren't close to my heart like the 'Hawks and Pats, but I respect them and want them to win), and Steelers loss (hate them. Think Pittsburgh is the butthole of America. No offense if you live there. Though, I s'pose, that would be hard not to find offensive. Meh.). It was a rough weekend, what with the Griz (Uni of Montana, in Missoula, where Jason is from and where he attended college for his frosh and soph years) losing the national title game and then with the Zags (if you don't know who they are... you can read my blog but we are not friends. Ok, kidding. Mostly.) losing a closerthanthis game to UConn which they really should have won, dang it.
Anyway, what with the sad losses, this sign was held up at the Zags game and thank Jesus for DVR because I was able to pause and snap a picture of it. If you know me you know that I am a huge- HUGE- sports fan (as in love for sports, not my girth, though I guess that's true, too) and Seattle- WA state in general, really- is just sucking it up. As this sign denotes, our Sonics were swiped out from under us, the Mariner's had their worst season in franchise history, the Huskies and Cougs (Uni of WA and WA State U, respectively) sucked it up in football, the Seahawks were predicted to make another Superbowl run and then... well, stunk up Qwest field and every other place they've played. Not to mention we're losing our Hall of Fame coach after this season. Anyway, the Zags are the best team ever and we have a real shot at the Final Four if we work it like we should. So I loved this sign.
Aight, enough of the rambling. You all have nothing better to do, though, right? :)
Oh, and I want to vlog but I have a nasty case of laryngitis and nothing interesting to say, anyway.
Love you all! Merry Christmas!
Hasta, kids :)
This entry was posted
on Monday
at Monday, December 22, 2008
and is filed under
husband love,
jesus,
mars hill church,
sports love,
surrender to Jesus,
zags love
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