[Far Away, Nickelback]

Truth time.

I'm sitting here watching The Biggest Loser, and I'm sobbing.  Not a little teary eyed.  Tears streaming down my face SOBBING.  The thing is... I have a lot of thoughts so I am breaking this into two parts.

Part I

I'm not sure what it is, exactly.  I mean, I've seen... 4 of the seasons?  I've been encouraged and heartbroken and inspired and convicted before, but tonight it just hit me-- I'm killing myself.  Literally killing myself.  Every time I eat something that I shouldn't, every "one more bite" or "just a little bit won't be that many calories and it takes 3,500 to make a pound" and every other sick excuse I make is one more step toward my grave.

I've been thinking more and more about public perception of fat people, morbidly obese people.  I'm not talking about the person battling a pesky 10 or 15 or even 50 pounds- I'm talking about people who are at least 100 pounds overweight, or, in my case, 210 pounds overweight.  We are ridiculed.  We are seen as disgusting.  There are people who literally wish people as fat as I am would die because they are so visually  assaulted when I am in their range of view.

Ricky Gervais, the creator of the original Office (you know, the British one), has recently come under both praise and fire (though quite a lot of praise, which is sad) for his comments basically calling fat people "lazy f-----g pigs" who are too lazy to "go for a run".  It's self-deprecating, because he also says that he's too fat and maybe it people would quit being so politically correct and just call him fatty then maybe it would shame him into losing some weight.  You can read the article if you want, but that pretty much sums it up.

A simple Google search will reveal oodles of forums where people essentially say things ranging from "leave fat people alone" to reiterating the idea that all fat people should just die.  And you know what?  It sucks.  It sucks that my humanity is reduced to the size of my ass.  It sucks that there are people who literally feel hate in their heart when they see me because I'm so fat.

You know, though, I need not worry so much about what they think.  Truly, Jesus Christ judges hearts and I am not even remotely responsible for what other people think of me.  I can't concern myself with that.  What sucks more than any of that are all of the limitations I put on myself.

If I'm being truly honest with you, and forgive the play on words here, my efforts to lose weight recently have been half-assed.  I haven't really been trying that hard.  I cling to the fact that I eat better than I did a year ago, that I am more active, and I'm frustrated that I weigh the same.  But I need to pull my head out because I am not actually trying and I need to stop BS'ing myself- I have to take this seriously.

So why don't I?  I know what I want- to have a life, to be a better wife and to be able to be a mom and to not feel limited to hiding out in my house because being out in public is a: exhausting and b: too emotionally trying.  I say I want that but I don't do anything about it.

Even more truth: this morning I decided I need to start entering food into the Foode Log again. And... just about once an hour I decided not to do it.  And then I would log the food into an e-mail, and then by the end of work at 6 I was certain I would post it.  But then... while making dinner there weren't enough potatoes left for two meals worth but really too many for one meal... did I think, "Oh, I'll just make a healthy amount and save the rest for when we buy more"?

Of COURSE not.  I made- and we ate- them all.  Ridiculous.  But I then determined that I would not post the Foode Log because I don't want to be accountable.  I want to talk the talk of losing this weight but live my life the same way and keep killing myself because I love my idols of comfort and (false) security more than I love Jesus, more than I love my husband, more than I love anyone.  It's sad, too, because while gastric bypass may be the tool that spurs me on to losing this weight I've definitely seen a bit of a paradigm shift, mentally.  Thoughts like, "I may as well eat this because once I have gastric bypass I won't be able to so I should enjoy it now...." have crept in.  So I just stay here, caught in the middle... wanting to change but doing nothing about it.  Or, at very best, a nominal amount.

I do realize a major problem here, though- I am doing the typical "Christian" thing.  I want to wait until I feel inspired enough to be perfect, ready to make that commitment for real this time, and then I'll start letting myself be made accountable to everyone who reads my blog (and the number is growing by the day!).  But as I think about the Gospel- the real, true Gospel, where Jesus is perfect and I am constantly jacking things up but He chooses me, He cancels out my sin, He loves me, and He gives me the ability to be different, to rely on His Holy Spirit to no longer have to try and fix myself but to let Him transform me- I realize that I don't have to keep living this way.

I have been scared to "recommit", to make the big announcement that I'm going to get with it and be different.  I say scared because I fear failing again.  I keep saying, whilst on a spiritual / emotional high, that "This is it!  Really, guys, this time, this is it!", hoping that will be enough for me to finally actually follow through.  But that's not the Gospel.  It's not about me deciding to change and then, the second I realize yet again that I am not perfect, giving up.  The Gospel is Jesus deciding to work on me if I will let Him, and when I fail Him then allowing Him to pick me up and keep me going.

So... I'm going to suck up my pride, admit that I can't do this alone, and start being honest about what I am eating and how much and if I am exercising.  With that I have to work on my spiritual life, because a few times today I wanted to go eat and I thought, "Am I really hungry?  No?  Then Jesus, help me choose you and not food", and I didn't eat.  Other times I shoved those things aside and ate.  This is, as always, a spiritual battle.  It's not merely about "willpower" or "determining" to be different.  It's about believing Jesus Christ that He is fully satisfying, the Living Water that will quench my thirst and I'll never need to long for sewage water offered in ample supply by my idols ever again.

So... I know this is long, so thank you if you're still tracking, but my Foode Log is updated and I will do my best to rely on Jesus and keep allowing Him to teach me what it really means to live and love His Gospel of redeemed and changed life.  I appreciate prayers and support, and I hope that Jesus is the one who gets the glory.

Hasta, kids.