... And You never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want.
Lost and insecure
You found me
You found me
[You Found Me, The Fray]
[EDITORIAL: This is long, but it is by far the most personally powerful entry I have ever written. I won't cheapen it by breaking it up into a part three- it's all here. And, all things considered, for me it's not that long! You know you love it, anyway!
Also, sorry about the weird spacing issues. Sometimes blogger just does this, I don't know why, and no amount of deleting / adding extra spaces will make it right, so I have to fight my perfectionist tendencies and just let it be. But I am letting you know that I'm not trying to annoy you with weird spacing of lines / paragraphs!]
I am declaring myself the #1 fan of this song. You might notice a bit of overlap from yesterday's post , but that was intentional, and I will definitely explain the significance of these lyrics in this post, so rest assured on that front.
This is a continuation of said previous post, so I'm getting right to it. The recent months have been really hard. For the first time I've really questioned everything that matters and felt hopeless. If I'm really being honest with myself I saw my church's Redemption Groups ministry as some sort of a last-ditch effort to try and figure this stuff out... I was sick of trying. That's the truth. It's ugly, but it's true.
The simple explanation for Redemption Groups, per the wording from the linked site above, is this:
For those facing difficult and seldom-discussed struggles, like abuse, addiction, and trials of all sort, Redemption Groups offer a time for growing in knowledge of how God changes our lives by the Gospel.
I knew I needed that, though I saw it basically as a place to go and get the formula to apply to my life to stop being such a mess. I know that I tend to seem like a person who has it together, but I feel like a constant mess. A fat mess. A critical and judgmental mess. A lonely mess. A non-trusting mess. A lazy mess. All of it and more... I just feel like there are people who are trusted and loved and treasured and blessed and I am a fat, critical, judgmental, non-trusting (and untrustworthy), lazy mess. Undeserving of love and worth and blessings. So I wanted to figure out how to quit being that way and, as I would have said then, let God change me.
Then, I showed up, Bible in hand, ready to absorb everything and let God create the latest, greatest, life-altering formula that I could then ask Him to help me apply and get fixed. Instead God completely blew my world apart. I touched on it more in-depth in this entry , but I quickly realized that my understanding of Jesus Christ, the Gospel, Christianity, God, and life itself were barely shadows of the real thing. Suddenly I had a glimpse of the fact that God is a loving God, and the entire world seemed new. I was ready to worship that God and be different forever.
In fact, the next week I went to redemption groups feeling this way, in awe of the amazing new way I was learning to see God, certain that I finally had the magic key to life change, and even found myself sitting in group thinking that I should look into leadership for the next round because suddenly I felt like I got it, the Gospel, and could help others get it.
Then, through sharing something I thought was an example of God really working in my life, a few simple questions by my group leaders brought everything crashing down. I'll not share the details of it, but the basic summary is this- while I was in awe of what I was learning, deep in my heart I had a completely wrong view of God.
See, my life story has always been told by me as the story of someone else who lived through a rough life but look at me, I'm strong and I overcame it and of course I am amazed that God has blessed me to be as strong as I am. It was always about me, my strength, my not being a weak victim. I literally have to force myself to admit that I have been victimized. I am realizing that for all of my focus on being sexually and emotionally abused by men some of my deepest issues regarding how I "do" life are directly linked to my mom and her sin, how she treated me, how she deals with and does life. I truly love my mother, and I think that just as the little girl tried to protect her mom by not telling her that I was being sexually abused I still try to protect her from her sin by not allowing myself to deal with the pain of how her sin affected me. She doesn't know Jesus Christ so I feel like I just have to deal with it and not talk to her because she can't handle it. I'm not saying I know where to go with that yet- maybe eventually God will lead me to talk to her. The point, though, is that I'm living life completely focused on me and dealing with life based on sinful patterns learned by imitating someone who doesn't know or love Jesus.
One issue is that my mom detests anyone who lives with a "victim mentality" whether they have been legitimately abused or not. I learned to be strong, to not be a victim, to overcome... and as I was abused again and again and again- sexually by multiple men, emotionally by my parents, physically by my parents (I hesitate to even admit that because they never "beat" me, but using physical force in anger to try and change your child's behavior, primarily for your own ease / convenience / reputation as a parent, is physical abuse and not Godly discipline), spiritually by multiple pastor's / people in spiritual authority... the abuse kept happening and I just "overcame". I deemed myself strong enough to let it go and move on.
What I didn't realize is that isn't Biblical and it doesn't deal with the issues. I responded sinfully- refusing to trust people. Manipulating people to win their affection and admiration but constantly criticizing everyone and finding reasons to not trust them, keep them at arm's length so that when they hurt me I could soothe myself with having seen their sinful and idolatrous patterns all along. I escaped into food and TV and internet. I tried to fix myself so that I wouldn't have to see myself as one of those untrustworthy people because I was the only person I could rely on... and when I failed and gained literally hundreds (ok, two hundred) pounds in less than a decade I ignored it and thought of myself as still being about the same as I always was- overweight but still normal and not defined by it. All the while I just kept trying to figure out how to fix myself, and while I know that Jesus Christ saved me when I was 16 1/2 I treated God like a genie who was supposed to fix all my problems and the Bible like an algebra book where I would insert said problems as simply and clear cut as using the quadratic equation to solve an algebraic function. I relied on my intellect and emotions to guide me to the place where I could first figure God out and then desire Him enough to make Him actually want to fix me.
As I type that, and re-absorb the impact of all of those things, I am heartbroken over how messed up I am and have been. See, when things didn't get better and I was abused again and I gained more weight and another friend seemed to no longer want to be close to me and my husband lost his job and every friend I know- literally, except 1 at the moment- was posting their joy on Facebook about getting pregnant and having babies and I struggled to understand why God seems to let me have dreams and always keep them too far away to ever actually realize and take away everything that I thought was His will for me... I lost hope. And with a few simple questions based on me sharing something that I thought was a great example of how God was changing me it became clear: I not only am still reeling and running from the effects of abuse and sin, but my view of God is this-
That He is the ultimate abuser.
He is unworthy of trust.
He is the one who doesn't protect me, doesn't heal me when He fails to protect me, and He doesn't care that I'm walking mortally wounded all these years.
I'm not fixed yet. I don't have the inspirational message to tell you that I had a hard moment of realization but now I get it and I'm different now. No.
I can tell you that I'm so amazed at God's character. For one, He is love, perfect love, and He doesn't want me to fix myself and then come to Him. He wants me to be honest, no matter how ugly it is, because only then is there room for Him to begin the healing. God doesn't build truth on a lie- He literally can't because it goes against His very character. He can- and does- reveal the lies, exposing them to the light, so that He then can destroy them and begin building truth.
I wrote an intense journal entry last week, long and painful and so honest that I was afraid for a moment that God might literally strike me dead. I poured out my heart to Him- the anger, the bitterness, the anguish, the regret, the blame of God. The week before that I got angry with Him when frustrated and hurt after a painful conversation with my husband, and God clearly said, "Run to me, beloved daughter." and I said, out loud, "Make me." and went to bed. Not my finest moment.
But then came the journal entry, and then a few days after that I was broken and cried tears of sweet sorrow and joy when many painful and difficult circumstances including my sin, the sin of others, and just random events that weren't really related to sin at all, suddenly were redeemed by God and made beautiful and He blessed me and showed me tangibly that He loves me and His character is trustworthy. It is good. He is love, He is grace, and He is hope. In Him there is no darkness at all. I can admit that I am hurting and don't understand Him and that I am angry with Him and not only does He not strike me down to show me my place but He doesn't even define me by my sinful attitude. He doesn't have to bless me, to be patient and merciful and enduring- He could strike me dead or strip me of everything I value to make me desperate for Him, yet He is choosing to be tender and gracious with me.
Me, the woman who basically said, "F**k you." to God the very night He revealed that I have a completely wrong view of Him because my husband responded sinfully to something I told him. Me, the woman who applies the Bible with head knowledge and seeks spiritual highs but I doesn't actually open up or trust Him because I see Him as the very opposite of who He is. To call Mother Teresa a selfish, greedy, cruel, evil woman- and to truly believe her to have been so- is just a shadow of calling God an untrustworthy, capricious abuser. Yet... He is revealing His character and helping me to realize what it means to know Him for who He is and yearn for more of Him as opposed to just trying to be fixed.
This is the root of my weight issues- while I'm happy for the women who have lost weight and feel like life is just this great "now", that's not enough for me. I'm not so naive as to believe that losing weight will solve my issues, because a thin and fit person who hates God is no better off than a fat person who hates God. This isn't an excuse to stay fat. My life has been miserable viewing God as an abuser and losing weight will not fix that. I can't fix myself, either. Even the best program won't help me. It's heart attitude, view of God, and while it will be a good thing to lose weight I will never lie and tell you that life is a "then" and "now" and the magic key was weight loss. I'll reemphasize that while losing weight will definitely improve many aspects of my quality of life, primarily physical and some emotional, it won't fix me and I can't seem to fix myself enough to lose this weight on my own, anyway. The only way to find joy and have a meaningful and truly good life is to see God for who He really is and live as a worshiper of Him- that's not to say there won't still be pain, heartache, sin, and difficulties. There will. But worshiping God for who He actually is and not the lies I have believed Him to be affects everything. It all boils down to how I see Him.
That is why I love the song by The Fray so much- it's so raw and honest. To feel like I stumbled across God sitting on a street corner,alone and smoking His last cigarette, not engaged in loving and caring for people, totally self-consumed and not caring about me, to feel like I have tried to find meaning in life, to do the right thing and be a good person and to feel like everything gets stripped away, to think I was pursuing Him and waiting for Him to reveal His will and show me how to live and then He just takes everything away for what feels like no reason... to be honest and ask why? Where have you been? Why did you wait? You were just a little late but You're God and You know everything, right, so why couldn't You show up on time and save the day? You have some kind of nerve, God, toying with me as I tried to find you and then you take everything I want...
And then there's the recognition that I was lying on the floor, broken and lost and completely insecure and God You found me even though I never really knew You. I had You all wrong, I defined You by my terms and made everything about me and said everything was Your fault when You were never wrong, never anything other than perfect and loving and pursuing me as I defrauded Your name by claiming to know You while living life as defined by me and my expectations, thinking I was walking with You when in actuality I was flipping You my middle finger at every turn. And You didn't smite me- You loved me always and You chased me down, even as I was running from You, and even now You give me grace and don't hold it all against me- You give me more grace and shine truth and light into the darkest lies hidden "safely" within the deepest recesses of my heart.
So I don't have this all figured out. And it's beautiful.
One final (quick) thought: more of my "normal people" blogs, people seeking to lose weight or be frugal or what have you, are turning into mediums for people to get and give free stuff and people are finding success and a way to make a living doing it. The temptation is so in my face- you know, quit the Jesus talk and put a bit of effort into my writing and make it eloquent and profound and pursue that kind of success. Don't scare away readers with God talk. Or, even better (barf), intentionally write to the Christian crowd! Be inspiring and show a simple 3 step process to how God can help you lose weight, and maybe somehow get an amazing book deal and be in Christian bookstores across the country! (If you knew how I feel about Christian bookstores / radio then you would know how revolting that thought is... I'd much rather go the non-God route than that one, though much of the "Christian" world is just as godless as the secular one so I suppose the point is moot).
The desire is in part rooted in a desire to have more financial security, pay off debt, afford a house, earn a living in a way that doesn't put such strain on my health (truth: working as a nanny three days a week is almost more than my 360 pound body can bear. Humbling or humiliating, depending on my attitude.). But I know that is not God's purpose for this blog. He has not allowed 12,000 people (well, hits) to read FoodeFight so I can sell out and try and make money. Might He allow me to eventually make a living off of writing? Maybe. But I have to be guarded.
That's why I was quiet- Jesus Christ is becoming the lover of my soul, slowly but surely, and He's doing so much, but I catch myself sometimes seeing Him work in a big way and immediately thinking about how I'll word it in a blog post... so far I haven't fallen prey to being "changed spiritually" simply to write about it, but the danger is never far off and I need to be wise and careful. So that explains the silence and why I won't get into every detail. That said, I believe God has uniquely gifted me with the ability to be brutally honest, no matter how bad it makes me look, so that He can be glorified as He works in me and I won't lie- while I long to keep being changed and redeemed, I want you to be encouraged to be more honest and real about who / how you really are, to allow the Truth of Jesus Christ and His perfect love to penetrate your heart.
I'm too tired for a witty ending, but may you be encouraged to pursue Jesus, and may I as well.
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at Tuesday, February 03, 2009
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