... 'til you're better
      you will never
        come at all

[Come Ye Sinners, as performed by Ex Nihilo]

I'm finally ready to write, just a little bit.

First; I have referred to this song before and it's goodness, so check it out here .

Secondly... I wish I had the words to explain the work that's going on in my heart.  I can't quite describe it.  Like, I can write about it, but I feel like unless you have had a similar work done in your heart you'd have no idea what I am talking about.  You can think you know what it means, imagine what I must be referring to, but your ability to truly identify with what I have to say would be so limited in scope that it would be almost pointless to try.  It's akin to being pregnant and giving birth... I have never done either, so I can try to imagine it based on what I know from study and observation and report, but until I do it myself I will never be able to relate to a new mom and truly understand what she means when she says to hold her child is inexplicable.  This is how I feel about what is happening in me.  No one but those who have been in this same place can begin to grasp what I mean and just as a woman who has never had a baby can only attempt to empathize with a new mom a person cannot understand this transformation.

I don't mean that in a harsh way... I just mean that what I am going to say may sound familiar, same ol' same ol', but the explosion of the gospel in my heart cannot be contained by mere words, nor could it even if my vocabulary were to be expanded one million fold.  I am not seeking to alienate anyone, just trying to cast at least a shadow on the weight and gravity of what I am about to say.

So, I'll get to it.

I have been a Christian for 10 and a 1/2 years, fully believing that Jesus Christ died to take the punishment for my sins and restore me to relationship with God.  That said... I feel that for 10 and a 1/2 years I have completely missed the point of Christianity, full-on blown it with regards to what the Gospel is.  I was a Christian, for sure, but (and do forgive this horrible analogy) it's like I was a cheerleader who joined the cheer squad and stood there and did the routines, knew the cheers and believed that being a cheerleader is a great and wonderful thing to be, felt honored to have been chosen for the team, yet never understood that the point of a cheerleading squad is to LEAD the spectators in CHEERS so as to encourage them to be involved in the ____[insert various ball type] game.  I have been a Christian yet missed the purpose in being one; I've cheered away but didn't realize that it's not about cheering, it's about engaging others in the ball game... and they are there for the ball game, not the cheerleaders, which is another crucial point I missed.

Here's the deal- this will get kind of theological.  Some of you will go, "Ugh, Bible, gross."  Others will start to skim, thinking, "I have heard all this before... blah blah blah, get to the stuff I don't know."  I know this because I am the exact same way (on both accounts depending on the day, sadly) but I ask you to pause long enough to really read what I'm saying.  It all needs to be a complete package and the personal stuff, the "stuff you don't know", will be meaningless on its own.

So here's the thing: God created everything that is in existence.  He created humankind (man first, Adam, then woman, Eve) in His image.  The world was perfect, and He loved the man and woman fully and completely, and they both walked with Him in complete trust of His goodness and awe of His might and power.  Enticed by Satan, Even chose to disobey God and eat of the fruit, and Adam was right there with her and ate of it, too.  This is how sin entered the world- basically, Adam and Eve succumbed to the temptation offered by the serpent to be like God, to know good and evil.  In this, they chose to try and make themselves equal, even attempting to be superior, to God Himself.  Long story short, ever since that horrible day humankind has made countless choices, as individuals, races, corporations, families, couples, etc., to try and be God.  Thus the story of sin.

Most of you, whether you consider yourself a Christian or not, have heard this, and you're thinking, "Ok, so even if it's true... this is all pretty 'duh'.  Four year olds in Sunday school hear this story."  You're right- most of us have heard the story seemingly a gazillion times and we think we get it.  I thought I did.

I really didn't.

See, God hates sin.  He has every right to hate sin, because He's good.  There is no evil in Him at all.  He passionately loves every single human being- even the most deplorable one you can think of, even the most annoying person you have ever met- and He knew that mankind would choose sin.  Our hearts are set constantly on evil, and we are enemies of God.  God has wrath- full on hatred and punishment- for sin, and sin leads to death.  As a result, Jesus Christ came to Earth, never sinned, and was killed by God on the Cross receiving the punishment and wrath of God for every sin ever committed- even the sin of rejecting that Jesus died for you, the sin of thinking that you are still God.  Jesus received that punishment.

Again, this all sounds routine.  I have believed this.  But I missed the point- it's not some meaningless story to repeat from rote memory.  I have never believed, nor even began to comprehend, the character of God.

See, God is good.  Full on perfect.  He is capital "L" Love.  When He nailed Jesus to the Cross it wasn't because He is cruel.  It was Love perfected and personified, allowing you and I the opportunity to have restored relationship with Him.  The Father God so longs for relationship with you and me that He allowed Himself to live as a human, to identify with every pain and hurt and temptation and desire that you and I have as humans, and then to die the most atrocious death imaginable at that time.

Caveat here: how many people have you heard say stuff like, "That's just my cross to bear"??  It's BS! We have no idea what that even means.  In our culture it would be akin to a girl whining about how her mother-in-law calls her son (thus, the girl's husband) every Saturday for an hour, and how it "ruins her life" and then she says, "Ah, well, that's just my Auschwitz, my Holocaust, to bear."  Do you see the severity?  Death by crucifix was meant to not just kill the person but completely humiliate them and annihilate their will to live, just as the Holocaust was a very intentional plan to crush the Jews in every way- physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, sexually, everything.  There is not a single thing that you or I are facing in this life that we would liken to being our personal Holocaust, nor should we do as such with the Cross.

So the deal is that the gospel seems fairly simple- God made man(kind) perfect, man sinned, man hated God, but God still loved man completely but there was no possible way for man to be restored to relationship with God and so God died for man.  Any man who believes this, that Jesus Christ was sinless and His death on the cross is the only way to be restored to relationship with God (and thus the only way to a: have purpose in this life and b: go to heaven) is redeemed, their sin forgiven, and they are a Christian.

Again... I thought I understood all this.  And, to an extent, I did.  But what comes after that?  The Bible is pretty clear- we are still sinners.  The only differences are that we now have the ability and option to not live enslaved to sin and that when we die and stand to face judgment from God for our sin Jesus Christ says, "No, this one is mine; judge Me instead."  God sees that Jesus already received the punishment for sin via death on the cross, so we get to spend eternity in heaven.

It's tough because how then is life different?  This is where I was tripped up.  See, I saw life as me on a road to some fabulous destination.  Like, the road I was on SUCKED and then I met Jesus and suddenly the road should get really smooth and wonderful because Jesus makes life perfect.  All this time I have been continually frustrated by, if you will, the potholes and proverbial bumps in said road.  Isn't Jesus supposed to fix this?  The Bible speaks of love, joy, peace, power... on and on.  So why does the road still suck and I never seem any closer to my destination of my ideal life?

I would submit that most Christians feel this way.  If you aren't a Christian, don't believe the lie that if you accept Jesus then "everything will get better".  It won't.  The world is still filled with sin and you will still deal with sin others commit that hurts you, sins you commit that hurt you, the inexplicable pain and suffering that seems unrelated to sin (say, a flood destroys your home and one of your children die in the process)... all of this still happens.  Salvation is not a magic wand that makes life easy.

What's the point, then, right?  Why not live however I want and say eff off to God but then say a quick, "Oh, I believe in you, Jesus" right before I die?  A: You don't know when you'll die  B: You don't choose Jesus, He chooses you and C: When you are in relationship with Christ and truly grasp the meaning of the Gospel life doesn't get easy but it suddenly becomes inexplicably good.

The deal is, I've been stuck on C.  I keep expecting easy, mistaking good to mean comfortable.  In the process I have worshiped idols instead of God.  He hasn't made life easier, so I've made my desires for an easier life into god and I have pursued them. I have been angry with God that my husband is losing his job despite being an incredibly hard worker... he works to honor God, so why isn't God honoring him?  I've been angry with God that my addiction to food hasn't magically disappeared.  I want to honor God by treating my body as a temple so why hasn't He changed my desires to let me do that?

The list is endless.  I'm only just now realizing that I have been worshiping idols and thinking they are God.  Yeah, I've written about idols before, but I thought that recognizing them was enough, that I just needed to realize what my sin issues were and then I could suddenly wave my Jesus wand and they'd start to diminish.

What I've failed to realize is that the problem is not my idols.  My problem is not overeating.  It's not laziness. It's not gossip nor being critical nor disrespecting my husband with my incessant need to be right nor my suffocating desire to be preferred, favorite, loved.  None of those, nor the never ending list of all of my other sins, are my problem.

My problem is my theology.  I don't have a correct view of God.  I can see how God has been doing a work for over 8 months now, to bring me to the place where I am right in these last few days.  God is truly good.  He absolutely loves me.  God is jealously passionate about me, and He has the right to be because He is the giver of life.  The God of this universe is so in love with me that He nailed His own Son to a crucifix, poured  all the fury and wrath He has toward sin out onto His own Son, His perfect Son who never sinned and was God Himself, simply so that I- truly the worst of all sinners, constantly choosing to be God's enemy and hating Him because I want to be God- might have the opportunity to enjoy a relationship with God the Father, both here on Earth for the quick exhale that is life and then for eternity in Heaven.

God is a Father.  A perfect, good, loving Father.  The Gospel author Luke says this in his book (The Gospel of Luke) in chapter 11, verses 11-13:

11 What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; 12 or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

The gravity of this never hit me before.  I thought, "Meh, yeah, God's not a jerk.I get it.  Whatever."  But I have accused God of being a jerk!  I have assumed that things I thought were bad (the loss of a job, sexual abuse, an emotionally closed-off and critical mother, my obesity, etc) were either a punishment from God for my sin or because He's a jerk who doesn't really love me.  When I sinned, returning again and again to food for love and comfort like a dog returning to eat its own vomit, I blamed God- well, He's the one not taking my evil desires away.  When I lashed out at my husband because deep down I don't believe that he really can get a good job that will provide for our family, I blamed God- YOU are the one who could stop ignoring Jason's efforts to honor you in his work ethic and not allowing him to get a job so, really, God, you are the reason I am so frustrated.  Mind you, I never thought it so clearly in my head.  I tidied it up with excuses like, "I don't want to be this way but I can't help it because [pick your poison-- a: it's who I am.  b: I was hurt.  c: I just want good things God, like raising Godly children and nothing ever works out for me! d: on and on...]"

What I am realizing, after almost 11 years of thinking I knew what it means to be a Christian, is that God truly is good.  The Bible says that God disciplines those He loves (I think it's in Proverbs but my neck is cramping and I need to wrap up soon so you can Google it!), and while God does allow things to happen in my life, He is NEVER the cause of sin nor is He to blame when a trial He has brought into my life is the temptation that brought on my sin.  Sin is bound up in my heart and every other human's hearts- we want to be like God.  We think we are wiser, have a better plan, and know what's best for ourselves (and everyone else, mind you).  God allows trials- from the sin of others to natural disasters to the consequences of our own sin to unprovoked suffering unrelated to sin, like an illness or loss of a child, to even blessing- in our lives because they are meant to drive us to our knees in recognition of our need to allow God to be our only God.

God is jealously pursuing us, trying to show us His character so that we will yearn for and desire Him, thus allowing Him to be our God.  This is a good thing, because He is the only One who grants our lives meaning and peace and joy.  Not of the cheesy balls variety, but of the kind that transforms a life such that the desire to sin, to try and be god, is lessened because we see the emptiness and death it brings.  The non-Christian has no choice but to always choose sin.  The Christian has a sinful heart but God also creates a new man with new desires, the desire to please God, the desire to worship, honor, and obey Him.

I've been so stuck because I've been trying to fix myself.  I've focused so much on the "turning from" sin that I just turn to another sin.  Rather, I need to focus on the "turning to" and turn to God.  I can't even choose to turn to Him- this is a work that God is doing in me, allowing me to better understand His character and to finally desire to honor Him out of worship and not because I just wanted my problems fixed.

I feel like, despite all of these words, I've not even touched on the work the Lord is doing in me.  But, for the first time in my Christian life, I'm starting to learn what it means to desire God, and it's not something I manufactured in an attempt to fix myself nor is it because someone else laid out the steps.  It's true redemption.  For the first time I am praying throughout the day not because I should, but because I actually long to be intimate with my Father, so share every thought with Him.  I actually long to spend time in His word, to read it with fresh eyes and a soft heart, to meet with Him and hear from Him, and not because it's something I am supposed to do.  I am seeking to serve my husband, not because it will make him feel like he has a good wife, but because it is my honor as his wife to serve him.  I'm consistently asking God to make me aware of my own selfishness, not so I can feel like a good person, but because I have lived 27 years trying to make my life comfortable and easy and less painful and I've only been miserable... so I'm asking God to help me recognize and repent from my selfishness because I want to live for His glory.

I can boast in these things because I have nothing to do with it-- it's all due to the work of Jesus Christ, His grace in pursuing me, and His mercy in empowering me by the Holy Spirit to surrender.

This all does very much have to do with this here Foode Fight:

You might notice on the Foode Log that I've been on track as far as eating, even eating well under on my calories.  There's no magic wand.  I'm just discovering that as I cry out to Jesus in my desperate need for Him  my desire to self-medicate, to bow down in idolatry to food for comfort and satisfaction, is revealed for the misery and death it is.  I'm able to recognize the temptation, and to see that I can either choose sin or I can surrender to Jesus and believe that worshiping God is better than the sin.    Jesus has been faithful to give me the power to surrender by the power of the Holy Spirit.  He (the Holy Spirit) has allowed me to notice myself mindlessly putting a bite in my mouth, and had to work through the urge to go to the kitchen to eat when I first get home (from dinner, ironically), etc, and He's truly been a Helper in providing the way out of such temptations.  My desires are changing- I desire Jesus Christ more than I desire sin.

Do you see the difference?  I've been trying, for various reasons, to fix myself and stop overeating.  I have been frustrated and have failed.  This isn't a "before I thought I was trying but now I really get it!" post.  I could still fail miserably.  I could start to choose sin and hit the repeat button on my failure cycle.  I pray, though that this is a time when I truly change, not so that I can lose weight, but so that I can begin to fathom how deep, how wide, how high the love of God really is, that I will believe His love is better than life (or food or security or escape or avoiding pain) and that I'll continue to know what it means to live the more abundant life-- Oprah's "Best Life" is a bunch of bunk.  If that's the best you can get without Jesus, so be it, but the more abundant life has been long-sought after as a basis for a generic copy and it never works.  The authentic model is the only one that does, and I pray I'll continue to pursue Jesus, that He will increase and I will decrease.

More will certainly come, and hopefully I'll be less exhausted (and, as such, more coherent) when it does.  Until then, I pray you are well and that you are in amazement and awe of our Holy God.