[With Or Without You, U2]

Discipline is hard.

There, I said it.  It's not rocket science, but it's so very difficult.  It's discouraging to know the right thing, to desire the right thing, and still struggle.  This is the difference between willpower and knowing God- some people can make themselves do the right thing, build in incentives or whatever, and convince themselves that the results are worth it enough to do that which they do not want to do.

Me... not so much.  I just so lack the ability to do the right thing because I should.  I am really good at figuring out why doing what I want as opposed to what I should is just so much the preferred option.  Seriously- I pretty much only do- or don't do- what I want.  Generally speaking I struggle so much with discipline and I run run run to escape into things that I want, what makes me feel good.

I'd like to have it all figured out but it's rough.  What I am realizing is that my chief end, my purpose and worth, are found in glorifying God.  I recognize that I'll never fix myself.  I'll never want something enough to change.  My heart wanders and leads me astray constantly, so much that I'd be humiliated if I weren't honest enough with myself that everyone struggles this same way because we are all sinners, and lack of honesty on anyone else's part doesn't change the fact that I'm no better or worse than anyone else.

So... this week was rough.  I have felt physically crappy for what feels like forever... my back hurts constantly, I can't remember what it is like to not feel fatigued, and just generally I'm struggling to get through each day.  I'd like to stay in bed for a month.  It was incredibly difficult to go to work each day, even though I genuinely love my job- love being a nanny, love the amazing family I get to be a part of, love the opportunity to learn what it means to serve- and it was a constant test to see if I would keep my focus on God, worshiping Him with everyone from attitude to actions, and not to feel sorry for myself and / or give into temptations to eat too much or daydream and wish for different circumstances (namely, to be thin and not have physical pain).  Hear me out- I'm not saying I plan to stay this way or that am accepting that I will; I definitely plan to keep fighting and working hard to lose weigh and get healthy and take care of this body I have been blessed with the opportunity to steward.  I'm just saying that wishing for something that's not and feeling like it's an excuse to give into what I want- and not what's best for me- isn't the way to get from point A to point B.

The only real way to get to where I want to be is to be a worshiper of God.  Doing the right thing because I should, even for a little while, just fades and dies.  However, when I submit to God and rely on Jesus Christ to change my heart to long for Him, to desire to please Him, I find the strength to do what worships God as opposed to what feels good.

I had this amazing experience this week- I have been walking around the neighborhood while nannying fairly consistently.  I walked for 40 minutes yesterday and Tuesday and 20 today, even though today I was totally fighting the urge to vomit (and I had horrible diarrhea this morning) the entire time.  If ever I would have had an excuse to stay home it would have been today, but I just felt that I needed to honor God and worship with my body.  Plus, the Brodster and I really needed the fresh air.

The coolest thing this week was yesterday- I really didn't want to, I absolutely didn't feel like going for a walk, and recently I have been challenging myself to go up this one killer hill.  I can only do about 1/3 of it, but I've been trucking up it.  Trust me- any normal person carrying 200 pounds on their back and pushing a stroller would struggle, struggle, struggle.  Add in the fact that my body is in such agony- feet, ankles, back, hips, knees- and it's not an easy task.  I'm not complaining- I'm just sharing with you some of the jazillion things that would make for typical reasons to not try.  But yesterday... I trekked up that hill, and in an area where it was about 3 times as long and twice as steep as the place where I normally go.  I huffed and puffed and felt humiliated when two guys sitting on the back of a truck bed said things in Spanish and laughed and all I could think of was how ridiculous I probably looked, 30-pounds-a-cheek ass jiggling as my huge body heaved forward pushing a stroller up a hill that healthy people probably avoid.

But I did it.

And then, the top, I went down a couple of blocks and after crossing a street I turned and looked and realized how incredibly beautiful it was.  Seriously- Seattle is a gorgeous city, and I was overlooking Green Lake and it felt like I could see for miles and I was literally breathless for a moment (not from the workout- I'd finally recovered, thank the good Lord!) at the beauty of God's creation plus the innovation He's allowed mankind in planning cities.  I also found my DREAM HOME.  Seriously- I am sure it's worth probably 1.5-2 million dollars, but I LOVE this house- having a 2-car garage with street access in Seattle is just about unheard of, plus it's a gorgeous home- Craftsman style, my fave!- and the upper floors get the amazing Green Lake view... awesome.  So here's a picture for you, ala Google Street View:


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Love it.  You can click on the picture and drag your mouse to the right to see the view, sort of, but it doesn't even begin to compare to be there in person free of obstructed views.

My big point is that it was incredible- Jesus helped me make the decision to view exercise as an act of worship and not something I "have to" or "should" do and then He blessed me so richly with such an incredible view and a beautiful home to admire- not envy, just admire.  What a good God.  Truly, I worship such a good God and just want to stay on course, focused on desiring more of Him and less of me.

Hopefully as I do there will be physically less and less of me, to boot ;)