... taking all I want
    
       Lost and insecure-
       You found me.  You found me.
       Lying on the floor- surrounded, surrounded.
       Why'd You have to wait- where were You, where were You?
       Just a little late...
    
       You found me.
    
[You Found Me, The Fray]

--Before you dive in, know that I did post a February weight / measurements update so don't miss it!--

To start: I cannot stop listening to this song.  I listen to it on repeat for long periods of time, and it's lovely.  It's so honest and raw in a way that I long to be.  More on that later.  These chosen lyrics are very significant, and that's why there are so many this time.  Overall, I just love The Fray and really want their new album !

I am writing this post in a place of in-between.  See, I live my life in this unhealthy pattern of desiring to no longer struggle with things so it tends to go like this: realize my sin.  Be upset that I am what I perceive to be a huge mess when everyone I consider to be my peers are so together.  Eventually have some sort of spiritual epiphany.  Get on a spiritual / emotional high and declare that I have changed and give, oh, maybe one week's worth of evidence to support that.  Eventually, slip back into old habits.  Excuse my sin, explain it away.  Then, after differing lengths of time, realize my sin and hit the reset button and start all over.

You know this is my pattern if you read my blog.  I think that it's the average weight-loss blogger's tale, regardless of whether the person is a Christian or not.  We all know of those few blogs with people who lost vast amounts of weight and look amazing.  They tend to speak of life in terms of before and after, and it's not just how they looked then vs. now.  "Then" they were tired all the time, in pain, grouchy and stressed, on and on, but now life is so great!  Sure, they have some days that are more tempting than others, but "now"... oh, now life is just amazing and they'll never go back.

So, we weight loss bloggers read those blogs and think that's the goal.  Figure out what the successful person did, create a formula, apply it to our life, immediately alter the formula to fit us, and then hope that with enough grit and determination we can somehow finally realize the "now".  I think that it's honestly because we're looking for heaven on earth- we're fat and miserable so we blame all of our problems on being fat and think that once we just lose this weight it will solve everything.

To be fair, weight loss does fix some of these things- I have no doubt that massive weight loss will help my back, my constant exhaustion, that I won't be so afraid to go places (today a big reason we didn't go to a Superbowl party is that I've never been to the house and my back has been really bothering me more and more lately, and I just didn't want to deal with the possibility of not having comfortable seating that I fit into.  Also, it was hosted by huge Steelers fans, and I didn't want to deal with tha t, either, but that's an aside!), I won't feel so uncomfortable in clothes, I'll be better able to have and raise babies, etc.  I'm not denying the very real changes that weight loss brings.

That said... I want those things.  I do.  I imagine how different life could be 200 pounds lighter, and when I'm on a walk, pushing the Brodster in his stroller, and my back is screaming and tears are smarting the corners of my eyes (note here that I have not cried due to physical pain in literally over a decade, so the back pain is very significant) I remind myself that it's worth it, that one day I will walk my own baby and I won't be carrying 200 pounds of excess weight and my body will be healthy and I'll have things that my heart yearns for, that this pain now is worth the joy of realizing lifelong dreams later.

So why don't I change?  Why do I still struggle?  What makes me so different from the ladies in blogs I read that have lost 100+ pounds?  And why, as one who knows Jesus Christ- the One who is the very power of life and death- am I unable to rely on Him to change me?  Why don't I love Him enough to desire Him, to obey Him, to live for Him and stop struggling like this?

It's frustrating and I've been so tired.  Not like it's 12:30 am and I'm sleepy, but the overwhelming sheer exhaustion of reaching that point where the will to go on is just... hanging on by the last few threads.  These last few months have been the first time where I have felt hopeless.  Thoughts of, "Is this even worth it?  Why not just eat the stupid food and kill myself with temporary happiness because the repetition of temporary can start to feel like something that lasts if I'm numb enough..." have occurred and lingered.

To be blunt, things have been so painful and difficult on so many fronts- physically, financially, relationally, spiritually- that I have had very clear thoughts of, "Is following Jesus even worth it?  I try and try and want Him and think I know Him but I'm empty and tired and this is just so much work... maybe I just quit trying and live life, just eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow I die.  I won't even pretend.  I'll just intentionally forfeit."

Scary stuff.

And you know what?  This is long.  So I am going to leave you hanging.  For one, I think people don't really read my longer entries because they get overwhelmed and skim.  This is plenty long but I'll quit now.  And you can ponder what I've said.  I'll type the rest right now but I won't let it post until tomorrow (Tuesday).

I know I've been checked out for almost two weeks, so it's partially my fault, but I would like to hear from you.  What you're thinking, how what I'm saying affects you. Comment, e-mail, tell me on Facebook (if I know you in real life... if I don't sorry- I don't accept friend requests from people I don't actually know), whatever.  But I encourage interaction and I'll work on actually responding ;)