Showing posts with label work outs. Show all posts

[With Or Without You, U2]

Discipline is hard.

There, I said it.  It's not rocket science, but it's so very difficult.  It's discouraging to know the right thing, to desire the right thing, and still struggle.  This is the difference between willpower and knowing God- some people can make themselves do the right thing, build in incentives or whatever, and convince themselves that the results are worth it enough to do that which they do not want to do.

Me... not so much.  I just so lack the ability to do the right thing because I should.  I am really good at figuring out why doing what I want as opposed to what I should is just so much the preferred option.  Seriously- I pretty much only do- or don't do- what I want.  Generally speaking I struggle so much with discipline and I run run run to escape into things that I want, what makes me feel good.

I'd like to have it all figured out but it's rough.  What I am realizing is that my chief end, my purpose and worth, are found in glorifying God.  I recognize that I'll never fix myself.  I'll never want something enough to change.  My heart wanders and leads me astray constantly, so much that I'd be humiliated if I weren't honest enough with myself that everyone struggles this same way because we are all sinners, and lack of honesty on anyone else's part doesn't change the fact that I'm no better or worse than anyone else.

So... this week was rough.  I have felt physically crappy for what feels like forever... my back hurts constantly, I can't remember what it is like to not feel fatigued, and just generally I'm struggling to get through each day.  I'd like to stay in bed for a month.  It was incredibly difficult to go to work each day, even though I genuinely love my job- love being a nanny, love the amazing family I get to be a part of, love the opportunity to learn what it means to serve- and it was a constant test to see if I would keep my focus on God, worshiping Him with everyone from attitude to actions, and not to feel sorry for myself and / or give into temptations to eat too much or daydream and wish for different circumstances (namely, to be thin and not have physical pain).  Hear me out- I'm not saying I plan to stay this way or that am accepting that I will; I definitely plan to keep fighting and working hard to lose weigh and get healthy and take care of this body I have been blessed with the opportunity to steward.  I'm just saying that wishing for something that's not and feeling like it's an excuse to give into what I want- and not what's best for me- isn't the way to get from point A to point B.

The only real way to get to where I want to be is to be a worshiper of God.  Doing the right thing because I should, even for a little while, just fades and dies.  However, when I submit to God and rely on Jesus Christ to change my heart to long for Him, to desire to please Him, I find the strength to do what worships God as opposed to what feels good.

I had this amazing experience this week- I have been walking around the neighborhood while nannying fairly consistently.  I walked for 40 minutes yesterday and Tuesday and 20 today, even though today I was totally fighting the urge to vomit (and I had horrible diarrhea this morning) the entire time.  If ever I would have had an excuse to stay home it would have been today, but I just felt that I needed to honor God and worship with my body.  Plus, the Brodster and I really needed the fresh air.

The coolest thing this week was yesterday- I really didn't want to, I absolutely didn't feel like going for a walk, and recently I have been challenging myself to go up this one killer hill.  I can only do about 1/3 of it, but I've been trucking up it.  Trust me- any normal person carrying 200 pounds on their back and pushing a stroller would struggle, struggle, struggle.  Add in the fact that my body is in such agony- feet, ankles, back, hips, knees- and it's not an easy task.  I'm not complaining- I'm just sharing with you some of the jazillion things that would make for typical reasons to not try.  But yesterday... I trekked up that hill, and in an area where it was about 3 times as long and twice as steep as the place where I normally go.  I huffed and puffed and felt humiliated when two guys sitting on the back of a truck bed said things in Spanish and laughed and all I could think of was how ridiculous I probably looked, 30-pounds-a-cheek ass jiggling as my huge body heaved forward pushing a stroller up a hill that healthy people probably avoid.

But I did it.

And then, the top, I went down a couple of blocks and after crossing a street I turned and looked and realized how incredibly beautiful it was.  Seriously- Seattle is a gorgeous city, and I was overlooking Green Lake and it felt like I could see for miles and I was literally breathless for a moment (not from the workout- I'd finally recovered, thank the good Lord!) at the beauty of God's creation plus the innovation He's allowed mankind in planning cities.  I also found my DREAM HOME.  Seriously- I am sure it's worth probably 1.5-2 million dollars, but I LOVE this house- having a 2-car garage with street access in Seattle is just about unheard of, plus it's a gorgeous home- Craftsman style, my fave!- and the upper floors get the amazing Green Lake view... awesome.  So here's a picture for you, ala Google Street View:


View Larger Map

Love it.  You can click on the picture and drag your mouse to the right to see the view, sort of, but it doesn't even begin to compare to be there in person free of obstructed views.

My big point is that it was incredible- Jesus helped me make the decision to view exercise as an act of worship and not something I "have to" or "should" do and then He blessed me so richly with such an incredible view and a beautiful home to admire- not envy, just admire.  What a good God.  Truly, I worship such a good God and just want to stay on course, focused on desiring more of Him and less of me.

Hopefully as I do there will be physically less and less of me, to boot ;)

Hola.  I have many random thoughts today.  The first of which is that my quoted song is my new song obsession.  The Fray are definitely in my top 5 favorite bands, maybe even top 3 (I should figure that out.  I have homework.  A meme, perhaps?) and I've been waiting rather impatiently for any new material from them.  This song honestly blew me away with its wonderfulness.  Plus, I watched the LOST video set to this song on iTunes and it only made me love the song more and increase my yearning for January 21, 2009.  Shucks.

Moving on.

I find it incredibly... something... that Britney Spears is six weeks younger than I am, basically.  She was born on December 2, 1981, and two days later I turned six weeks old.  That's crazy to me... just how incredibly different our lives are despite being essentially the same age.

Also, sadly, I'm still dealing with... gastrointestinal issues... but I just need to say that Dulcolax is AMAZING.  No, really.  I'm very grateful.

The bummer is that I weighed myself this morning and I was 365.5 pounds.  I was SO upset for about 5 seconds.  But I just have to believe that it's random stuff- PMS [insert pet peeve- I HATE it when people say "PMS" to describe when they're on their actual period.  PMS means PRE-menstrual symptoms, as in the stuff that happens before you actually start bleeding.  Totally annoys me.] is hitting hard.  My breasts are swollen and tender, so that must mean there's some sort of fluid causing it.  I'm going to tell you something I really probably shouldn't- I say "breasts" on here, sounding all proper... but in real life I say boobies or boobs.  How embarrassing.

ANYway... so PMS is hitting, then there's the whole constipation issue (ack!  I actually said it!), plus the gallon (ok, mere exaggeration) of saltwater I rinse with every day to prevent infections in my mouth wounds, the probable reaction of my body to all of the various narcotics I've been pumping into my body.  And there's just no way I have eaten nearly 40,000 extra calories in the last two weeks since my last weigh in (I was 354 a couple of weeks ago).  It's just not possible.  So yeah, I'm disappointed, but I can't freak out about it.  If I do I'll set myself up for a possible binge and then I will eat extra calories.

The good news is that I went for a 25+ minute walk yesterday and today, and I plan to tomorrow as well.  I sweat so much both times that my (very short) hair at the nape of my neck became so wet that I was uber cold for the next hour and a half after I cooled down.  I am not even exaggerating.  It's pretty sad.  It was like forty-some degrees out and yet I sweat as if I were in my last chance workout with Jillian AND Bob from The Biggest Loser each time.  Gross.  Anyway, I also ate really well both days.  Honestly, I've been eating really well in general.  I made a poor choice on Monday out of extreme hunger (I didn't have time to eat before J's appointment and was so hungry afterward that I was ready to pass out, almost literally) to eat Arby's, plus some dumb choices on Thanksgiving day,  but other than that I've been really on point.  I feel good about that.

So the deal is, I just weighed myself, in clothes and only a few hours past dinner, and it was 366.7.  I have to believe that this morning was a fluke.  Plus, the laxative has worked kind of overly well (I know you get that!) and I've had multiple opportunities to... drop some pounds today, all post weigh in.  So I'll redo it tomorrow morning, hopefully with much better results.

A trick I have found, for myself, is to eat ice cream bars at night instead of any other dessert. Jason and I just really love ice cream for dessert, but I so tend to overeat when it's from a 1/2 gallon container.  Since I can't really handle the crunchiness of my beloved Skinny Cow cones, I have some Dove bars.  Triple chocolate, baby!  It might sound like, "Ack!  Girl, you eat a 280 cal bar for dessert?" but if I were eating regular ice cream it would likely be closer to a 400-500 calorie bowl.  So i'sallgood.

Lastly, dinner tonight was AMAZING!  See, this one loves herself some twins.  I want twins.  I've ALWAYS wanted twins.  They don't run in my family, nor Jason's, but I am just believing God that I'll have twins!  Adopt, maybe, if need be.  But, so you can understand my neuroses, I heard once that in cultures with a high consumption of yams there is a greater preponderance of twins compared to non-yam peoples.  I, of course, have since desired to consume many a yam.  However, sweet potatoes are easy to find... yams not so much.  Since yams and sweet potatoes are not the same thing, not even remotely (true story !), I've felt robbed of my ability to convince my body twins are for me.

All of that said, my favorite local hippie store had organic yams and so tonight's dinner was a chicken breast (seasoned and grilled, no oil) and "yam fries".  Basically, I handcut two yams into fry shapes, put them in a big ziploc bag with 1 TB of canola oil, salt, pepper, a touch of curry and seasoning salts, and paprika.  I then baked them (thus removing the actual "fry"-ness) 10 minutes on each side, and they were AMAZING.  Jas did the chicken PERFECTLY (love my all caps when I'm excited about food?) and it was so tasty, and it was under 500 calories.  Ooooh, and totally gluten free!

And... because my INCREDIBLE new camera (ours is black... my lovers' fave color and I aim to please) came today y'all get a pic!  Too bad I discovered that it has a cuisine setting (a cuisine setting!!) post-dinner consumption.  Wah-oops.  This in no way displays the superiority of my new camera!  I also discovered the super macro (as in super up-close) mode after the fact, as well.


This pic, however, does display the awesomeosity that is our new camera:


Yup.  That's my eye, all sorts of up close and personal.

Here's my man, looking mad fine:


Aight, I should wrap up.  I have a very deep post en route, but it will be long and detailed, unlike this one ;), and I want to really let the processing happen before I dive in... I never used to do that, but I guess that's how I know I'm growing up.  Twenty-seven should mean something, methinks.  That said, something wonderful happened today- a reader nominated me for a blog award .  If you don't keep up with the times, I am aka Tami (Tam, Timtam, Tamalam, Tizzam, Tam* [pronounced Tamstar, as in Tamstar, as in Tamstar Runner.  If you get that, you are very, very cool.  Or you went to college.], Tamitha, Tamela [like Pamela], et cetera.) to most people.  As a result, I am the "Tami" in her nominations.  Her words re: me are very kind, incredibly generous, and I am truly humbled.  I'm not quite cool enough to nominate anyone, at least not tonight.  Sleepy, I am.

[Yoda is my step-dad's cousin, twice removed.]

On that note, I'm out.

Hasta, kids.

Sorry... too tired for anything meaningful.

I walked 40 minutes today.  Not on purpose- my goal is 30 min each day I nanny.  Today I was simply too far away from home at the 30 minute mark.  The first 15 minutes felt like a lifetime, but the last 25 flew by.

Frick.  I'm too tired to construct real sentences.

Praise God I have a 5 day weekend with not a heck ton going on.  I'll try to blog something that makes sense tomorrow.

[Broken, Lifehouse]

I am utterly exhausted.

I walked for 32 minutes today and thought my back would tear in half, no kidding.  But I persevered.  And I ate carefully, refusing to snack for snacking's sake.  I ate wise foods (save for pizza at the election party) and in careful portions (that actually does apply to the pizza).  Health wise I had a good day.

Politically, not so much.  That said, Jesus is still, ultimately, the only Leader I care about so I'm good ;)

[Mr. Brightside, The Killers]

So little update... this weekend was busy.  The highlight was hanging for a few hours with friends from our Community Group on Saturday night, doing some pumpkin carving.  I carved a pumpkin into my pumpkin.  'Twas fantastic.

In other news... prepare yourself to be disgusted.  So a couple of weeks ago the middle toe on my right foot had a nail that was kind of long so, like a genius, I decided to tear it off with my finger instead of clipping it with toenail clippers.  One side cut down into the tender part a little, and it bled just like a tiny bit, no biggie.

Or so I thought.

It's been bleeding a bit and such, just kind of annoying but nothing grotesque.  Then Saturday happened.  So I had a little shopping to do, just the weekly groceries (I didn't have time for coupons this week but I still saved 39%... boo-yah!), and one of the items on sale that we needed were some air freshener dealios- some awesome smellin' scented oil fantasticness.  Anyway.  They were low to the ground and I wanted  to get some different smells than the lavender that we always get, so I squatted down to see my options.  I assume everyone does this, the whole balancing the weight on the balls of the feet / toes when squatting (maybe not... being so big means that I tend to have a different center of balance than most people).  I didn't notice anything right away, but when I walked to get some English muffins for Jas I noticed that something sticky was in my Crocs making the three middle toes stick to each other and the bottom of my shoe.  I didn't think much of it, but then as I walked more I realized that there was no way anything fell into my shoe...

And then it hit me.  That stupid quasi-infected toe.  I pulled my foot out enough to see enough blood to make me feel annoyed, finished my shopping, and came home.  Jas was kind of perturbed that I didn't tell him about my toe... I don't intentionally not tell him these things.  I just sort of never considered it, let alone made a decision not to tell him.  Doing some mental calculations made me realize that it was worse after water aerobics Friday, so I am on strict orders from Jas not to go back until my toe is no longer infected.  I've been cleaning it out and Jas helps put antibiotic ointment on it.

The biggest suck thing is that now that it's pretty bad, I can't walk on it.  The only shoes that don't hurt are my Crocs with no socks (sorry for that rhyme) but that's like asking for more infection.  Any socks, especially with my tennis shoes, which I need for walking, put pressure on my toe and make it hurt.  It's freaking ridiculous.  I feel like every time I make progress something stupid sets me 5 steps back.  I do have an appointment with a primary care physician to start the 6-mos of supervised diet and exercise (I accidentally typed "sexercise" at first... too funny) next Monday so if the toe is not better by then I'll have her look at it.  It's pretty nasty.

One closing thought- a reason I really want to lose weight is my huge fat stomach.  To clarify, I want it gone.  Jason has to put ointment / bandages on my toe because my stomach precludes me from being able to reach pretty much anything below my ankles.  It sucks.  Like, for all of my friends who have been 9 mos preggo and couldn't bend over, or had a hard time standing up from sitting on deep couches, etc, imagine being like that 24/7.  Shaving my legs is a pain, I can't pick things up off the floor from a sitting position, on and on.  Not having a huge stomach would seriously change the way I live my life.

I'm off to sleep now.  Feel free to share thoughts.  About toes and such, not sleep.  Or sleep.  Whatever.

[Greater Things, Ex Nihilo]

So today was a loooong day.  I got up, went to water aerobics, came home, showered, went to a consult to get my wisdom teeth out, ended up having to wait for TWO HOURS since the surgeon I needed to to consult with was behind in his surgery schedule (thus spending over half of my day at the UW hospital), came home, made dinner, then went to the Fall member's meeting for our campus at Mars Hill Church (we are members at the Ballard campus).  It went long, which was totally cool by me because it was awesome, but now I am exhausted and don't have the gusto to write anything more than this.  I've loved getting all the feedback and my intention is totally to be on top of responding... intentions don't always equal reality, though, so we shall see.

I am writing a li'l ditty about the meeting for our campus blog, so if it gets published I'll point you all there.  For now, feel free to check out this song.  It's an original written by a Mars Hill Band (we have actual bands that lead worship, which is awesome.) and it's such good music paired with equally awesome lyrics- the way church music should be.

Disclaimer: if you think church + drums/bass/guitars = heresy then you won't like this.  For the rest of you, this song is awesome.  All of the music on the website is recorded live so that's why the quality isn't studio-type; it's still freaking amazing, though.  Enjoy.

EDIT:  So the first time our church sang this was this past summer when I was home on bed rest.  My husband came home and told me it was written by our worship pastor, Tim Smith.  But when one of my friends commented to say that they sang it at her church I thought I had better verify, and, come to find out my husband misheard what Pastor Tim said, because the song was written by a band called Bluetree and is on a Passion CD, though I think they call it "God of this City".  Jas figures Pastor Tim was probably saying that he wrote / reworked the music that goes with song, to make it more rocker-ish.  Regardless, I don't want to be misleading, so this is not actually a true Mars Hill Original; it's still an AWESOME song :)

"

I'm too tired to say anything meaningful, but I'll do a real update tomorrow.

Two simple things:

1 - I walked again today, 28 minutes.  I'm not sure I know who this crazy lady is that keeps going for long walks (for me, 5 minutes is a long walk) but I guess she's cool.

2 - I'll write about it more in depth tomorrow, but I think I found my possible weight loss surgeon.  For now, if you have time / interest, go peruse this document he wrote re: food / diet post WLS (weight loss surgery), specifically for banding patients (which I would be).

http://www.northwestobesitysurgery.com/AdjustableBanddiet.pdf

Oy vey, my life will change.  I can't really think about it right now.  Too tired, kind of overwhelmed.

Never having fried food, or chocolate, or ice cream, or drinking from a straw, ever?  Eek.  My mind must change.

[Live Your Life, T.I. feat. Rihanna]

Today was a good day, on many levels.  For one, I finally realized how much my emotions and attitude affect my physical well-being.  The thing is, I felt just as cruddy today as normal but I made the decision to view today as an opportunity to start fresh... I don't have to be who I was yesterday, or last week, or last month.  I had an awesome time with God, just reading the Word, journaling, and praying while Brody was taking his first nap (he naps from 9-10:30am and 1-2:15pm each day, or in the general thereabouts) and it was such a sweet time to just spend time with the Father.  I felt better about life, in general, and had loads of fun with the Brodster.  Overall, it was lovely.

I have an appointment scheduled for Friday, a consult re: getting my wisdom teeth removed.  This is very good.  My wisdom teeth suck.  Once that is taken care of I am going to see the dentist about the fact that I grind my teeth.  See, I have horrible headaches most mornings when I wake up, and ibuprofen barely touches them.  Two nights ago, while snuggled up in bed, I postulated to my husband that perhaps I grind my teeth and that's why I get such awful headaches.  He, abnormally animated for him, was all, "Dude!  Yeah!  Like at least once every other week I wake up because I can hear you grinding your teeth."  I guess it never occurred to him to mention it before.

So here's the deal-- clench your jaw and grind your back teeth for a few seconds, and then take note of the terrible way the muscles around your temples tighten up... this explains why my headaches always feel like their behind my eyes.  Not being in the throes of constant headache-age would be super fantastic.  The prospect is exciting.

Not a lot else to say... I walked for 25 minutes today.  My back wasn't so happy afterward, but it felt good to have walked 4 (work) days in a row.  Right now I am blogging this, downloading music, watching ANTM, reading Facebook statuses, listening to iTunes, and overall doing all of the things at once that would drive my husband abso-freaking-lutely BONKERS.  Good thing he's asleep :)

Ok, that's all.  Hasta.

[No Air, Chris Brown & Jordin Sparks]

It's high time for a check-in, particularly since this is the last day I'll ever be 26.  Well, unless I die today, in which case I'll forever be 26. 

My husband really hates it when I say things like that... I don't mean it in a morbid freakish way at all.  Just matter of fact... maybe that's freakish to most.

Anyway, things are looking up.  For one, I went to water aerobics again Monday and I'm working on the mind-change aspect.  The thing is, it is possible to determine something mentally and not be swayed.  For example, divorce is not an option for Jason and me.  Ever.  No matter how rough things ever may get, our only option is to work things out... not just to stay married, but to stay as one in all aspects- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, etc.  If I determine that not working out simply isn't an option then I can change my mind and simply not have the option of not going. 

In the world of Tami, I recognize that things often look up and then dive down and then I make changes and commit and then I fall back into old patterns, more self-destructive than they were before.  I know this.  For right now I just have to take things one day at a time.  I know that this is the pattern of an addict, and the pattern of most morbidly obese people- we find a new diet or new weight-loss something, and we get really excited and are going to change our lives and everyone who loves us gets excited and thinks, "Maybe this is really it!", and then within days (hours, minutes, seconds...) we've decided that "new" thing just doesn't work, or isn't for us, or whatever.  And then we repeat the cycle.  And we stay moribidly obese, miserable, and die young.  Not exactly an enticing life to desire, but... as an addict we stay stuck.

So that's another thing going well-- my husband is in touch with the redemption groups ministry at church.  Basically, these groups are led by people who went through a year of intensive training to work with people in groups to deal with addiction.  I am an addict.  I think I'm not so bad... but I am.  The thought of giving my husband a portion size bigger than mine is enough to make me physically angry.  That's how serious the situation is.  So I'm really looking forward to working out the details to get into one of these groups so I can start really digging into these issues.

Finally, this is all relatively new in development and we'll see how things go, but we found out that my husband's insurance does in fact cover weight loss surgery at 100%.  The only out of pocket costs are possibly some $10 copays for consult visits.  The thing is that I have to, under a doctor's supervision, go through a 6 month program of eating changes and exercise.  We're trying to get into a consult visit with a local bariatric surgeon but the earliest we can get in is December 3, so my husband is going to call a few times a week and try to get me in earlier via a cancelled appt.  I need to meet with the doctor and get more info, but I've done a lot of research into bariatric surgery in the past and I would like to get the LAP band.  You can Google it if you're interested, and I'll talk about it more in depth if I indeed pursue getting the surgery, but it's less invasive and safer than gastric bypass though the results are essentially the same.  With gastric bypass most patients drop the weight a little faster, but for the purpose of skin shrinkage I actually am ok with a slightly slower rate of weight loss. 

Anyway, that's the big news.  I'm still trying to get more on top of this whole blogging bit.  I am not really sure why I haven't been writing as much... though I suspect it's because I haven't felt like I was actually doing much to lose weight, I figured people wouldn't want to read about me not losing weight, and since I can't write a lie, I just sat sort of paralyzed and did nothing.  I'm going to work on writing even if I don't feel like it's good news.  Hopefully 27 is the last birthday that sees me in the 300's.  I'm not staking everything on a surgery, but I've known for a long time that something like the LAP band surgery would be the type of thing that could honestly change my life, and I need the extra support... so I'm feeling hope that I haven't dared feel in a long time.  We're praying and seeking God's wisdom, and I appreciate support from you all, but this very well could be the catalyst for real change that I've been seeking. 

I keep waiting for the ball to drop, to find out that I am rejected for the surgery or to find out that it's not really covered or something.  I am realizing just how pessimistic I really am when it comes to me and my life. I'm always optimistic for others but don't really dare to think positively for myself.  It's time that changed.

I'm too tired to write more, but know this: I got up and went to water aerobics this morning.  Not only did I work myself really hard, but I also remembered how much I love going.

Too soon to tell if it will turn into a new lifestyle, but it's a step.

[When You Were Young, The Killers]

To start, I am uber grateful that Clinton figured this out.  Either no one else did, or they didn't try.  Tsk tsk.

In other news, I am sorry for not updating since Monday.  I didn't have time while Brody was napping like I do some weeks.  Plus, when I got home each evening I simply didn't want to sit at the computer.  Part of it is that I wanted to write an entry about some stuff I was figuring out but it proposed itself to be deep and long and I just felt overwhelmed so I wrote nothing at all.  Kinda lame, but I'm all or nothing like that.

Truth be told, I had a really good week.  My eating was much better than the week before and I never binged.  I didn't do the calorie counting because of the advice from the gym dude about not doing something that's overwhelming and not working.  When I feel burdened and weighed down by rules that's when I tend to  give up on everything, so better than I stay on track and don't bother with cumbersome rules for a time, methinks.  Oh, and I'm sick of gaining weight even though I'm not overeating so I'm instituting a "no food(e) after 8 pm" lockdown for a few weeks to see if that helps.  Plus, I always feel sluggish and gross when I eat dinner at 10:45 pm... it just means I can't eat with Jason, which sucks, being as he doesn't get home until 10:30 most nights, but it's just a price we need to pay right now to get me healthy.

On the exercise front, things are a bit better.  I tried something out this week- I packed the Brodster up in his awesome stroller and took him for a walk on Wednesday and Thursday.  The thing is that my back starts screaming after about 6 minutes and it takes me about 8 or 9 minutes to circle the block, so what I would do is one lap around the block, come back and sit on the steps in front of the house for 4 or so minutes, and then do another lap.  That logs almost 20 minutes of actual walking, which is a good start.  I realized that if I don't miss any water aerobics classes then I'd be getting some sort of exercise every day except Sunday, which is a vast improvement over no exercise ever.  Plus, I want to try and walk every day I work (typically T-Th, though sometimes they need me a bit extra) and build up endurance.  I really tried to focus on my posture, pulling my abs in and shoulders back, in order to take some pressure off of my back.  It didn't seem to help a whole heck ton but it's a start.

The one annoyance in all of this is that I overslept this morning and missed water aerobics.  The thing is, some mornings I just get lazy about getting up.  This morning I was set on getting up, and even hit snooze at like 8:01 thinking "two more snoozes and then I'll get dressed quickly and go"... and then my alarm never went off again.  Upon waking up at 9:21 I realized that my alarm only snoozes for an hour and it started going off at 7:12.  Whoops.  I started out decently pissed for about 5 minutes when I woke up, but then I realized it was pointless to get upset about something I could do nothing about.  I will, however, make sure I am up tomorrow!  Plus, I just have to trust that there's a reason I fell into such a deep sleep, though I have to admit that the reason the sleep was so deep was that I was having this weird dream that I can't really explain well, other than that it culminated with a house burning down and people trapped inside and the moment I realized they were going to die I woke up with a start, disoriented and then realizing it was just a horrible dream... then that it was 9:21, and you know the rest from there.

So now you all know that I didn't have a terrible week :)  This is meant for the pending "long and deep post" but I'm working on reliance upon God to develop steadfastness in me and less of a roller coaster of exhilarating highs with nauseating drops to perilous lows.

And there you have it!  Have a fantastic weekend, all!

[Where I Stood, Missy Higgins]

I feel so good that I worked out this morning.  I still love water aerobics!  That's a good thing since it will be my main exercise for awhile.   Finances and my back acting up have led Jas and I to wait until at least October to start personal training.  I want to do it, but I am also worried that it's too much, too soon... I should prove that I can stick with water aerobics for at least a month before we spend another $150 on start-up costs and then $150 a month on training sessions for a year.  Plus, with my back acting up, I just get nervous about making big financial commitments.  So, we shall see.

In other news, I almost died driving home from LA Fitness today.  It was rather ironic- I was really annoyed with people on the streets.  First, I was waiting to turn left and some lady who clearly had no idea where she was sat in the median turn-lane on the perpendicular street, perfectly in front of me, thus blocking me from turning, for a full 10 seconds (a lifetime in the driving world) because she didn't know what to do.  Then, some guy not using one of the GAZILLION crosswalks on E Green Lake Way literally meandered about in the road, super slow, because apparently oncoming traffic is of no concern to him.  I was annoyed and had just prayed, "Lord, help me to stop thinking people suck", because I recognized that I was not being gracious in the least bit, when I noticed the guy behind me was talking on his cell phone using a "hands free" device- one of those wired ear pieces you plug into your phone with a microphone built into the cord.  Those microphones always suck, and he was holding his up to his mouth.... totally rendering the "hands free" part worthless.

As an aside, here: as of June it became illegal to talk on the cell while driving without a hands free device... I wonder where this guy would fall under the law.  Technically he had a hands free device but he was still using his hands.  Regardless of the letter of the law the spirit is that people will focus on driving and be less distracted by talking.  As you'll see, it sure didn't help in this case.

So, soon after my prayer to not think everyone on the road- pedestrian or driver- sucks, I turned on my blinker to turn left.  After a few hundred feet I stopped at my turn, because there was oncoming traffic and the road is only two lanes wide.  I looked in my rearview mirror and didn't even have time to scream because the guy behind me, still talking on his phone, was fidgeting with the wire and didn't realize I had stopped.  My heart threw up in that moment, because I drive the Ghettro (ghetto + '91 Geo Metro = Ghettro) and he was in a big Volvo station wagon going 40 mph.  The oncoming car was way too close for me to try and gun it across to the left, so I really just had to sit there and watch him speeding toward me.  All within a split second he realized I was stopped and driving the Ghettro actually saved my life, or at least my general health, because it's so tiny that he was able to swerve around me to the right.  There's no way he could have stopped, and I had nowhere to go, so had I even a Civic or slightly larger car and he not had room or had there been a cyclist it would have been horrible and I'd probably be in the hospital right now, because if he hit me it probably would have sent me into the oncoming traffic and there were like 3 cars coming.  Scary.  And seriously- this all happened within no more than 1 full second- that's how close it was.  My heart rate didn't slow down for a good five minutes, and I was so grateful for the miss part of the near miss that I couldn't even be mad at the guy.  Praise Jesus for the Ghettro (I never thought I'd actually say that!)

Oy vey.

This reminds me of a funny story, because when driving (or when I'm with my husband and he's driving) anytime another driver does something I don't like- be it stupid or no- I say, "IDiot!", with varying levels of force.  I don't even have to actually be upset, everyone is just an idiot.  Jas told me that Pastor Mark used to do the same thing, but then when his kids got to be a few years old and talking he started noticing that whenever the family was driving somewhere he'd hear choruses of, "IDiot!", from the back seat.  He quickly repented, since that's not really the best way to model the love of Christ to your children.  I suppose I should stop, too, but I haven't so every time I say it Jason will bust up laughing.  Fancy.

Beyond that, I haven't had my quiet time yet (I need to go shower first; I like to have my QT while in my cozy bathrobe and with my towel still on my head) and I need to do some shopping plans-- we finally can go to Costco and stock up on stuff!  We have like 10 Q-Tips left, need basically all laundry stuffs, on and on.  We like to buy our meat in bulk there and then plan meals based mostly on that, buying the produce and such each week, usually from Trader Joe's.  We have like 1 chicken breast in the freezer and not much else, so it will be good to get back into our rhythm, but in order to not overspend or under prepare I need to have a list made, which will take some time.

To end, I'll post for you some pics from the fantastic spaghetti I made Wednesday night and a couple of purchases I made today :)

Just wanted to let you all know that I went to water aerobics this morning :)

[Viva La Vida, Coldplay]

I didn't update my Foode Log or Spiritual Foode this weekend because I was really busy; sorry!  They are both very important and I want to be consistent in updating them, but I don't want to be chained to them.  The guy I met with to look at setting up personal training actually told me that with food I should be very careful not to let it get overwhelming, the counting calories and all.  He advised to do what fits into my life, and that if counting calories becomes this heavy burden then to back off a little bit.

I get that, because we had date night Saturday and used some gift certs we've had for The Old Spaghetti Factory that have been sitting around for over a year.  I never felt like I overate- I was conscious of what I was eating, and even stopped eating the BEST peanuts ever when we went to a local microbrewery in Lynnwood, Big E's, afterward.  I realized I was full and should stop eating, so I did.  That said, I have been stressing myself out for two days to go look up the calories and post an update... I don't have to do that to myself!  This needs to be something that fits into my life, not that dictates my life.  I've said this before, but I will reiterate a crucial point- if I get all obsessive about food and exercise and start to make control of them an idol I'm just as bad off as I have been worshipping the idols of laziness and comfort.

Anyway.

The one bummer is that I couldn't go to church last night or water aerobics this morning.  My back is really hurting, enough that I just couldn't go.  We had a meeting yesterday afternoon, leadership stuff for church, and I was in so much pain by the time that we got home that I had to lay on the couch and the hour between getting home and leaving again simply wasn't enough to recover.  I was actually really upset about it, though, as opposed to past times where I was just being lazy.  Additionally, Jason advised me to make a decision this morning about water aerobics, so I woke up on time but my back just wasn't having any of it.  I was (strange for me) upset that I couldn't go; good thing I had my amazing husband here to comfort me.

I started to feel the freak out coming on, especially last night when I was tired, in pain, and upset.  The feelings of despair and thoughts of "I'm doing it again, just going back to where I have been and my repentance was another useless bit of words" assailed me from all directions.  But instead of going to eat something I prayed to Jesus that He would comfort me and protect me from the lies, that He would heal my back in His timing and that I would stay dedicated to life change and repentance and trusting Him.

I still felt bummed out  this morning, somewhat, when my back was still sore (and it is now) but I also have much more of a peace- I can rest in Christ and not stress out.  He won't let me fail unless I choose to, and I choose to have victory and peace in Him.  I'll be very intentional this week with B as I nanny to not do so much of the tossing him in the air and stuff that is harsh on my back, and I'll speak up if doing some of the chores put too much strain as well.  I am blessed with really wonderful, godly employers who feel convicted to look out for me as my back heals and I can't let myself get so caught up in trying to impress them that I hurt myself.  I just get really nervous that they'll think I am lazy; it's awful of me to get so caught up in people-pleasing that I'm willing to hurt myself, especially when it's people who love me with the love of Christ and would be gentle in reprimand if I were being lazy.  I'm such a head case!  I'm working on letting Jesus take reign so that I can stop being so worried about impressing everyone all of the time.

Anyway, one cool thing from yesterday's training was a quote I saw that echoes sweet words my dear friend Bekah shared with me a while ago, so I'll end with it:

Supposing you have tried and failed again and again, there is always another chance for you.  You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down but the staying down.

                                                                                   ~Mary Pickford

I worked out again this morning!  Water aerobics are totally fun :)

Also, I made a DELICIOUS pizza last night- you can check that out and just how foode is going in general in the post for yesterday's foode intake here.

Lastly, I have not had a quiet time and I really need to, plus I must (MUST) groom my eyebrows and get ready for date night- wicked exciting!  My man is so sexy and I love it when he woos me :)

Feliz fin de semana!

[Broken, Lifehouse]

I can't get enough of this song.  I keep listening to it on repeat on iTunes.  I'll decide to take it off repeat, but then it will come on eventually and I'll remember that I love it far too much to move on to another song so I'll put it on repeat again.   In fact, in 20 seconds it will surpass "The Last Night" by Skillet as the song with the highest playcount.

And done.

In fact, in honor of this song, I will post my top 25 most played songs now, replete with play count, from 25 on down.

#. Song - Artist, Play Count

25.  The Time of My Life - David Cook,  187
24.  Hate That I Love You - Rihanna feat. Maroon 5, 190
23.  The Truth - David Cook, 192
22.  Waiting For A Star To Fall - Boy Meets Girl, 193
21.  More Than A Feeling - Boston, 193
20.  Brand New Day - Forty Foot Echo, 197
19.  Here Is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls
18.  So Small - Carrie Underwood, 206
17.  Look After You - The Fray, 217
16.  Hide And Seek - Imogen Heap, 218
15.  Light Up Ahead - Further Seems Forever, 218
14.  Chemicals React - Aly & Aj, 218 (Um, that's embarrassing.)
13.  Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls, 225
12.  Hey Ya - Obadiah Parker, 240
11.  Back To Good - Jonathan Clay, 242
10.  When You're Gone - Avril Lavigne, 242
09.  Over My Head My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray, 243
08.  East To West - Casting Crowns, 249
07.  Always Be My Baby - David Cook, 251
06.  He's A Pirate (Pirates of the Caribbean theme) - Klaus Badelt, 253
05.  Car Crash - Matt Nathanson, 257
04.  I'm Not Alright - Sanctus Real, 308
03.  Meaning - Gavin DeGraw, 379
02.  The Last Night - Skillet, 388
01.  Broken - Lifehouse, 391

Fancy.

So I went to water aerobics this morning.  The crazy thing is that I let myself hit snooze one extra time, being a non-work day and all, and then Jason and I ended up in this long convo in the bathroom before I got in the shower (I was on the toilet, wicked awesome [my new favorite word is wicked, ala slang]) and then in the shower I had to shave my legs and armpits (you know... water aerobics + nasty hairy = wicked unawesome).  I planned to leave at 8:30... but when I got out of the shower and checked the clock in the kitchen it was exactly 8:38.  Lovely.

So, after a flurry of putting on clothes and finding stuff to change into and searching frantically for a plastic grocery sack to put my wet clothes in (I didn't find one; 'tis the downside of always using reusable grocery bags.  I ended up using a freezer sized Ziploc) and such I ended up drinking and eating nothing at all this morning.  Smart.  Wicked smart, even.

I arrived 20 minutes late because I'm crazy intelligent and decided to take a route that sent me 15 shades of totally and completely out of my way, plus, you know, I left at 8:53 and the class starts at 9 and I had to figure out where the locker room was and all. But it seems that God was blessing my diligence because the instructor was 30 minutes late.  She amped it up and the workout was really intense.

Intensely awesome though!  I loved it!  I remembered that my body is naturally athletic and that when I work out, particularly if I like what I am doing, I really push myself and my body eats it right up (this never ceases to impress my husband, and you can check it out a mini-story about that here) and it feels really good.  I loved the water aerobics because without the burden of all of the extra weight on it my body could just stretch and push and get that wicked sweet feeling afterward.  Plus, the fabulous part about the pool is that, though my heart gets going and my body temp rises, I don't sweat.  I am a sweatmeister (as most fat people are), especially in my face and it was so fabulous to not deal with that.  The funny thing is that I am by far the youngest person there- one lady is in her 30's and then everyone else is clearly 50+, with one lady that might be 40 something.  That said, I'm also the fattest :)  Good thing that will change!

So, mega-kudos to Crissy for kicking my tail into gear!  The aerobics were actually really fun and I never thought I'd be able to say that about an exercise class, especially not while this big.  I feel like my job and everything are aligned perfectly by God to make this my routine.  I hope I get addicted to working out!  In a good way, of course; to have exercise as god would be no better than food as god because I'd still be flailing and miserable and needing my Jesus.

I met with a trainer dude about setting up a personal training program for me; Jas and I will sit down this weekend and work out our budget and figure out what we can afford.  I am trusting Jesus to make it work, because I'm ready to make this happen, to see my life keep changing.

I am very, very excited to keep seeing my life change!  Discipline has arrived-- my home is still clean, I'm working out, the food(e) is under control, and biggest of all I see Christ doing a major work in my heart (I'll post about it later, but much is happening in me to redefine love).  I am by no means perfect, and I'm still nervous about slipping up, but for now it's enough to know that Jesus is Lord and I can rest in Him, that this is so much more than gaining control of some messy areas in my life.  This is about surrender, about Jesus taking that which was flawed and marred and utterly worthless on it's own and making it beautiful and whole so that He can receive glory and renown.

I remember reading the blog of a woman who was pushing 400 pounds and then, suddenly, something in her snapped.  She was done, over it.  Said blogger lost 135 pounds in her first year, and despite infrequent updates I believe she's still losing.   Likewise, I often hear testimonies of people caught up in habitual sin who had a moment of clarity and declared the sin dead, repenting and never returning to it; this is, I think, one of the greatest miracles Christ still does, renewing the degenerate to life and abolishing sin.

The best miracle is that I can be that blogger.  I can be the testimony of someone under the oppression of sin who is changed, totally and completely, into a person that is no longer even a shadow of their former self.  I have hope.  True hope.  My change of mind has come.

Sometimes I don't even recognize myself- still going to the gym this morning even though I was totally late and my habit would be to give up, looking forward to going tomorrow, cleaning the kitchen as if I like to do so, not really wanting to watch TV or spend hours on end on Facebook, knowing with certainty that this is it, that I'm changed and renewed and not going back.  I'm over it.  I'm into Jesus, fully, completely, and without abandon because of His mercy, His grace, His compassion, His love.  I'm not trying to impress anyone or prove anything.  I only want to be in Jesus and let His work in me spill out onto these virtual pages for the edification of others.

I'm sorry if I sound like a Hallmark movie.  Well, no, actually, I'm not sorry.  I don't recognize this new Tami, but I really, really like her and I think she- I- is the woman I have long yearned to be.

A'ight, kids-- I'm done now.

[Broken, Lifehouse]

I'm exhausted.  Chasing a crazy active 8 month old boy around is a heck ton of work, but totally awesome.  It doesn't help that I can't fall asleep before 1:30 am and though I know 6 hours sounds like a lot of sleep for most people my body can't handle it.

I have been promising some exciting news, though, so here it is-- an amazing friend who reads my blog is sponsoring my start-up costs to join LA Fitness.  She doesn't want me to have to wait until September, and honestly it's a fabulous idea.  Incredibly humbling, but such a blessing.  I already signed papers so that once her check arrives and is cleared I'll already be able to start working out.  We're aiming for Monday, but in the meantime they gave me a pass so that I can start sooner.

Ergo, a plan.  The plan is that I will go to the Aqua Fit class Friday at 9 am (aka water aerobics) and then at 10:30 I'll meet with a trainer there- free of charge- to get the gym tour and then he'll help me look at options for personal training, or at least get me set up with a workout that I can do on my own that I won't hate.  I'm going to look into that, but for now my only actual need is to get consistent with the water aerobics.  I can't tell how much of the dude's persistence is based on the fact that he sees an incredibly overweight person trying to get fit so he's trying to help because he's passionate about fitness and how much is based on money, possibly commissions, etc.

With that, my goal is to work out a minimum of 2x a week- Monday and Friday's 9 am class.  I may try to do some strength training after each, but I may not-- I really have to baby my back and it's just not worth it yet to risk it.  Getting a pattern of making working out a priority is what my primary goal is.  But, if I miss a work out then I will put $5 in a "pot".  I sponsor a child from Uganda, and I try to send extras his way when I can... this is a good way to inspire me to work out, as $5 will be a lot to us for a while until we build our savings back up.  But, at the same time, if I miss one, that's a good way for me to feel the consequences yet have them be a blessing to someone.

I have an idea to work in a reward with this, but I'll just be honest-- I am way, way, WAAAAAY too tired.  So I'm going to go get a snack and catch up on some shows (Jon & Kate Plus 8, Food Network shows from this weekend, etc) and try to just rest until Jas gets home.

I am so grateful that today is my Thursday!  Actually... Tuesday is my Monday, Wednesday is my Thursday, and Thursday is my Friday and on most of those I'll get done a few hours early.  My job rocks.

Sorry that I'm so tired.  I'll try to work on my sleep schedule so that I will stop being so exhausted at 7 pm, k?

PS Don't forget to check out my foode log and spiritual foode to see how I'm doing on other fronts... so far, so good for both, though the foode log won't get updated until before bed.  And you can click the tabs at the top because... well, you just can and I'm too tired to post them.  Good-bye for real, now.

[Disturbia, Rihanna]

[Black Balloon, The Goo Goo Dolls]

Aight, here are the tips I'm going to employ (thanks for the comments and emails, rock stars!)

• First, I will do NOTHING before working out, other than use the bano. No email, blog checks, Google reader updates... nada. Thanks, Britt :)
  
  
• This ties into Rose's awesome suggestion- I will reward myself for working out. For me, personally, I think this will be SATC reruns I have DVR'd while I sort the mail, but only after I've worked out. She also had a great idea for list checking-off, but I don't have enough to do tomorrow to have a whole list.
  
  
• Lastly, I also will do what Molly mentioned-- I'll remind myself that there's no way I'll have time to work out on Monday and Tuesday (church stuffs) so I'm earning those days off by working out this weekend.
  

I am committing to doing SOMETHING on Sunday for at least 20 minutes, no matter what it is, and tomorrow will be a full on cardio and strength training sweat-fest.

I can't believe I'm about to admit this, but a teensy- seriously, minutely small- part of me actually kind of misses working out. Not just the feeling afterward, but the energy running through my body during a workout. That's just crazy.

Have a great weekend, friends! Hopefully your weather won't suck as much as ours does here!

It was just snowing.

In the middle of April.

In Seattle.

Stupid.