Just checkin' in to let you know that I worked out again- that's two days in a row.  Boo yah.  I did the Women's Cardio Max on my Biggest Loser DVD that I mentioned yesterday. It better have been effective because my chest is tight from my exercise induced asthma.  I can breathe, it's just a little wheezy.  

I'm not sure if I touched on this, but I'm only doing 15 minutes at a time right now because it's a starting point.  I can handle 15 minutes.  Physically my body seems to be ok after two days  (I'm trying to keep it as low-impact as possible) though my thigh muscles are crazy tight and sore today.  More importantly, mentally I find it hard to refute 15 minutes.  I mean, it's 15 minutes.  I probably spent that long fast-forwarding through commercials on last night's SYTYCD finale.  

The obvious hope is that exercising, even a measly 15 minutes a day, and getting serious about my eating (big goal: portion control) will start to melt the pounds away, and that as I lessen the harsh physical impact on my body then I'll be able to increase my exercise.  I'd love to be a person who wakes up early and works out for an hour every day.  But I won't be her tomorrow- every single time I overshoot I end up failing.  Long time readers may remember that earlier this year when my husband and I went to the gym for 4 hours a week, ate salads most nights, and I had a personal trainer.  And... it was overwhelming and exhausting and we had no life and so I quit.  It wasn't reasonable-- I need a routine that I can actually stick to.

With a goal of working out 15 minutes every day (I'm still wavering on Sundays, though I'm thinking the J-man and I should go on walks or something together) even if I miss a day here and there I'm still working out WAY more than I have been.  Plus, I'm trying to do little things, like landing on the middle of my foot when I walk, and pulling in my abs tight and using good posture as much as I can remember to.  Every little thing will, hopefully, add up.  I have to just keep going.

When I think of earlier this year, I remember really wanting to prove that I was changing.  I would make these huge promises, like that I would never backslide and this is the day 1 of never overeating again!, based pretty much on the hopes that they'd come true.  They weren't backed with any real resolve.  More than anything I just didn't want to let myself- or those of you rooting for me- down.  I keep wanting to talk about how I used to be an overeater, how I used to be lazy, and how I used to be fat.  I don't want to be another fat blogger trying to lose weight who says they're serious... but over time you realize they just constantly yo-yo and they never really get any healthier.  

I think the biggest change in me, that I hope continues to grow, is my desire to just be real.  For example, no one knows that I never went to my final personal training session.  We paid for 5 sessions, had to cancel one b/c the trainer was sick, then there were rescheduling problems, and suddenly we hadn't been to the gym in 6 weeks and I knew I was gaining weight back and that my original measurements wouldn't be all that different, so I just... never called.  Then, I hurt my back and we moved to Seattle and we had to cancel our gym membership due to our financial crisis this summer with me not working, and I was ashamed and embarrassed and never tied off the loose ends with my trainer.  And I wasn't entirely honest on here about how far I had regressed.  

That's much of why my writing really died off this summer- sure, workouts were nigh impossible for most of June, but my eating habits were completely ridiculous and without excuse.  I knew I was reverting back to my old ways and I didn't want to face it.  People like Darla and Bekah have been so supportive of me and I didn't want to just let them down, yet again, their annoying fat friend who only whines but never changes.  No one wants to be that person, yet it's been me, perpetually, and I didn't want to add another stone to the pile.

So... I'm not here to say I'm perfect and I'll never mess up again.  Like Bek said, it's the getting back up when I fall that will change my life.  I'll post more about this on Monday, but you have my word that I will always be honest on here, even when it threatens my pride.  My pride is exactly why I have to be honest, because the vile, disgusting, and ugly little Gollum that it is does nothing but up the ante of the consequences when I listen to it.  

I meant for this to be a short entry, and, alas, it's not.  Not even a little bit.  So, I'll go now... I may post random stuff on the weekend but I've found that most of you read most regularly on weekdays so the good stuff (I have a post I already wrote but want to tweak) will be up Monday morning.

Have a fabulous weekend!