[No Air, Chris Brown & Jordin Sparks]

It's high time for a check-in, particularly since this is the last day I'll ever be 26.  Well, unless I die today, in which case I'll forever be 26. 

My husband really hates it when I say things like that... I don't mean it in a morbid freakish way at all.  Just matter of fact... maybe that's freakish to most.

Anyway, things are looking up.  For one, I went to water aerobics again Monday and I'm working on the mind-change aspect.  The thing is, it is possible to determine something mentally and not be swayed.  For example, divorce is not an option for Jason and me.  Ever.  No matter how rough things ever may get, our only option is to work things out... not just to stay married, but to stay as one in all aspects- mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, etc.  If I determine that not working out simply isn't an option then I can change my mind and simply not have the option of not going. 

In the world of Tami, I recognize that things often look up and then dive down and then I make changes and commit and then I fall back into old patterns, more self-destructive than they were before.  I know this.  For right now I just have to take things one day at a time.  I know that this is the pattern of an addict, and the pattern of most morbidly obese people- we find a new diet or new weight-loss something, and we get really excited and are going to change our lives and everyone who loves us gets excited and thinks, "Maybe this is really it!", and then within days (hours, minutes, seconds...) we've decided that "new" thing just doesn't work, or isn't for us, or whatever.  And then we repeat the cycle.  And we stay moribidly obese, miserable, and die young.  Not exactly an enticing life to desire, but... as an addict we stay stuck.

So that's another thing going well-- my husband is in touch with the redemption groups ministry at church.  Basically, these groups are led by people who went through a year of intensive training to work with people in groups to deal with addiction.  I am an addict.  I think I'm not so bad... but I am.  The thought of giving my husband a portion size bigger than mine is enough to make me physically angry.  That's how serious the situation is.  So I'm really looking forward to working out the details to get into one of these groups so I can start really digging into these issues.

Finally, this is all relatively new in development and we'll see how things go, but we found out that my husband's insurance does in fact cover weight loss surgery at 100%.  The only out of pocket costs are possibly some $10 copays for consult visits.  The thing is that I have to, under a doctor's supervision, go through a 6 month program of eating changes and exercise.  We're trying to get into a consult visit with a local bariatric surgeon but the earliest we can get in is December 3, so my husband is going to call a few times a week and try to get me in earlier via a cancelled appt.  I need to meet with the doctor and get more info, but I've done a lot of research into bariatric surgery in the past and I would like to get the LAP band.  You can Google it if you're interested, and I'll talk about it more in depth if I indeed pursue getting the surgery, but it's less invasive and safer than gastric bypass though the results are essentially the same.  With gastric bypass most patients drop the weight a little faster, but for the purpose of skin shrinkage I actually am ok with a slightly slower rate of weight loss. 

Anyway, that's the big news.  I'm still trying to get more on top of this whole blogging bit.  I am not really sure why I haven't been writing as much... though I suspect it's because I haven't felt like I was actually doing much to lose weight, I figured people wouldn't want to read about me not losing weight, and since I can't write a lie, I just sat sort of paralyzed and did nothing.  I'm going to work on writing even if I don't feel like it's good news.  Hopefully 27 is the last birthday that sees me in the 300's.  I'm not staking everything on a surgery, but I've known for a long time that something like the LAP band surgery would be the type of thing that could honestly change my life, and I need the extra support... so I'm feeling hope that I haven't dared feel in a long time.  We're praying and seeking God's wisdom, and I appreciate support from you all, but this very well could be the catalyst for real change that I've been seeking. 

I keep waiting for the ball to drop, to find out that I am rejected for the surgery or to find out that it's not really covered or something.  I am realizing just how pessimistic I really am when it comes to me and my life. I'm always optimistic for others but don't really dare to think positively for myself.  It's time that changed.