[Rehab, Rihanna]

Not a huge lot to say.  I had my ultrasound today, and it was fairly uneventful.  But, you know me, I can make a long story out of nothing at all, so here goes :)

The deal is, I have enough abdominal fat that regular ultrasounds, the whole jelly on the belly bit, aren't really ideal.  There is too much tissue to get a good picture.  Thus, I had to get mine via a method dubbed "transvaginal".  I'm pretty sure you can figure out what that means.

I was really nervous- I'm just going to put it all out there on this one- because I get nervous about anything involving someone who isn't my husband doing any sort of business down there.  I honestly think this is because when I was 8 a doc- gentle and caring as she was- had to check me out all throughout that region because I was sexually abused.  It's a bit traumatizing, and I honestly don't know how I genuinely love good sex as much as I do- truly, Jesus gets credit for me being able to enjoy intimacy with my husband and not be scarred in that regard sexually.  But having health professionals doing biz down there is just something that makes me really nervous.

The good news is that it went really, really well.  The ultrasound tech was a super cute and very sweet woman probably about my age, maybe 2-3 years older, who was 8 mos pregnant and truly adorable.  For some reason her being pregnant and married (she told me so later, as we talked about her family and her pregnancy and all of that... I have a way of getting people to open up ;) ) really set me at ease.  She did the jelly-on-belly bit first, just to see if she could get a good pic, and then did the whole vaginal bit.  It really wasn't so bad, and it was actually kind of cool because I was able to ask her what she was seeing and doing and what things were (did you know that women's ovaries always have these dark spots that show up, usually one more than the other depending on which ovary's turn it is to produce an egg, because the follicles are getting the egg ready for release?  Good for me to know, because large dark spots on my ovary kind of freaked me out at first.).  Now I know that my ovaries are nestled in close and tight to my uterus.  And you all know that now, too.  Merry Christmas, 7 weeks early ;)

Ultimately, the ultrasound was inconclusive.  They found no evidence of PCOS, but that doesn't mean I don't have it.  I need to get hormonal testing done via more bloodwork.  Skippy.  It's never fun to get tests that feel like they were for nothing, but if I don't have PCOS I won't complain.  It sounds like a real pain in the arse, to be honest.

Other than that not a ton happened today that's blogworthy.  I do have an appointment for my initial consult with Dr. Chebli on December 5 so I am excited for that.

I just have to say that I keep thinking about the real possibility that I could lose upwards of 200 pounds, really see my life change, and not be obese anymore, and it seems surreal.  Like, I'm not sure I really believe it.  I won't even believe that I'm really, truly getting gastric bypass until I get out of surgery, you know?  I've been fat my whole life (remember my first posts?  If not, here's #1 and here's #2 ) and just the idea of being able to cross my legs, or the ability to lean over to pick something up off of the floor while sitting on a couch (aka not having a 75 pound stomach in the way), is kind of overwhelming.  Well, really, it's not overwhelming- it's surreal (sorry to repeat the word, but that's what it is) and I can't imagine it.  Like, you know how you try to imagine what something was like, like maybe what did Jesus actually look like and how did His voice sound and what was it like to actually look into His eyes (or pick some other historical figure we don't even have real pictures of, like say, Julius Caesar) and you know it was real but you just can't actually imagine it?  That's how I feel, only in reverse because those men really lived and a thin me never has... I struggle to imagine that she ever actually will.

Mark my words, the head stuff- emotional and psychological issues- will be the hardest part of this entire journey.  That said, I'm all in, so for those walking along with me I'm grateful.

On that note, sleep must come to me now.  'Night.