[Mr. Jones, Counting Crows]

Something has been heavy on my mind and heart.  In my last post I ended by writing about the fact that I simply can't imagine not being fat.  I have always been fat- never thin, never truly fit.  I definitely don't know what it would feel like to just feel normal.  That said, I don't pretend that I'll ever stop dealing with body image issues.

Even if I have a miraculous result from gastric bypass (I still write that and don't fully believe it will happen for me, getting GB I mean) and lose 230 pounds and rock the scales at 130 pounds (that sounds so impossible to me), a size 6 (my dream size), I would still have body issues.  The possibility of loose skin means I'd probably never have a firm stomach or thighs or arms, no matter how much fat I lose and muscle I tone.  And, honestly, even if I were somehow blessed with incredible results and had a firm body, I guarantee you I would still have issues with my body.  I don't like my teeth- even braces won't erase the scars of 27+ years of crazy snaggleteeth.

Besides, I'm a curvy woman.  I'll have hips and thighs no matter what.  My feet are too big.  My face is flat when you look at my profile.  My hands are HUGE.  No matter what my body looks like and no matter how many pounds I lose, or what procedures are done to improve my appearance, I'll always have body issues.  I've blamed my image issues on being fat (websites like these 2- number one , number two - that shred apart fat people solely for not living up to cultural standards of beauty don't help; I'll explain how I found those later in the post) and to be sure my being super morbidly obese hasn't helped me feel good about myself in life.

That said, the deal is the fact that Every.  Single.  Woman. I have ever known has image issues.  No female is totally 100% perfectly at peace with her body.  She can work on it, work on believing God that He created her and she's beautiful, she can do thousands of hours of Pilates and firm and tone but she'll wish that bit of cellulite on her thighs would just disappear, or she'll wish her nose didn't have that huge bump.  You know how you can tell how a woman really feels about her body?  See how she reacts when she feels it's being criticized by someone she loves and trusts... that's when buried insecurities surface.

Countless people who know me and / or read my blog have told me that my image issues certainly are severe due to my massive girth (ok, they don't use phrases like "massive girth"!) but they've also been really encouraged by my choice to be open and honest because, no matter their size, they have image issues as well.  Sadly, some people on the thinner side have struggled because others who do have issues with weight make said thin people feel guilty about not constantly fighting the scales.  Criticism and rejection are criticism and rejection no matter how nicely we try to package them.  Our insecurities rip our female friends to shreds when we guilt trip them for not seeming to have it as bad as we do.  It's honestly tragic, the way we hurt each other like this, especially women against women.

Listen, culture is culture.  We all know that billboard women aren't real, but we still compare ourselves to them.  How many women do you know with Gisele Bundchen's sexy Victoria's Secret body?  I mean, that perfectly proportioned, big and small in all the right places, with amazing curves yet toned and with killer legs?  Those women are just impossible.  And you know, what does it really get you to have that body?  We want that body, but does anyone really need a body like hers?  I know my standards aren't the cultural norm, but who needs to see women in bikinis frolicking around?  And do we really need to go to the beach and have a super sexy body so that everyone will look at us?  What does that do for anyone, anyway?

I'm so grateful for my pastor's most recent sermon series, especially this last Sunday's sermon.  The series is about the Song of Solomon, a book in the Bible basically describing a passionate relationship between a man and a wife who are surrendered to God.  What's beautiful is that this woman, whose name we don't know, doesn't fit the cultural standards of beauty.  She came from a poor family and thus worked outside and had dark skin, not "sexy" in a culture that treasures pale skin.  From Solomon's descriptions, we are led to believe that his sweet wife had a very large nose- again, not traditionally sexy.

What I find beautiful is that Solomon again and again builds up his wife, telling her how incredibly beautiful she is.  It doesn't matter that she wouldn't grace the cover of Vogue in today's world.  She is his standard of beauty, and his goal is not to make her over into Gisele Bundchen- instead, he is in awe of her beauty just as she is and he consistently tells her this, thus building up her confidence to just be herself, to be comfortable in her own skin.  We see him reminding her over and over that she's beautiful- he doesn't assume that telling her one time will do the trick.  That is so incredibly beautiful and truly what every woman wants and needs to hear.

As a caveat, you know what awesome thing happens as a result?  The Peasant Princess, as we have named her in the sermon series, is built up enough to be able to become visually available (read: comfortable being seen naked) to her husband.  This leads to not only incredible sex (yes! It's in the Bible!)  but deeper intimacy in their marriage in general.  What is truly beautiful to me is that I have seen this happen in my own life- my husband is incredible and always tells me how beautiful I am.  I am his standard of beauty, whatever I look like.  At a size 28 I am the most beautiful woman in the world to him; he doesn't even compare current me to the possible future me that could result from gastric bypass.  He reminds me that, though he's willing to work hard so we can afford to get braces for my teeth and we plan to do as much as possible to help me be comfortable with myself (clothes, make-up, professional hair treatment, whatever makes me feel beautiful), he still just loves me right now as I am.

This is incredible.  Despite the emotional pain from how I have been treated by others- and how I treat myself- I am completely comfortable in my very obese skin with my husband.  The way the world sees me and how I see myself not so much, but I know that Jason loves me even at 357 pounds.  I don't know why, or how he's able to not constantly compare me to the barrage of sexy, thin women culture inundates him with. Truly, it's Jesus.  It's grace.  I only know that I am safe- completely safe- in my husband's care and it means the world to me.  I wish every woman could know what this feels like.

Something I'm working on is being better about how I speak of other women and their bodies.  I know people who are a size 8 who are post-baby and struggle with their body because they're having an incredibly hard time getting back to the size 4 they were pre-baby.  Most of us who struggle with obesity condescendingly make remarks like, "I wish that were my problem."  Like I said earlier, I also know petite women who struggle with the burden of criticism from women who do struggle with their weight, always being told, essentially, "Well, you aren't fat so can't imagine how painful it is to have body image issues."  Um, HELLO, body image issues go FAR beyond being fat or thin.  I try to be real with my friends, to tell them they are beautiful, but not to base my approval rating of them (even inadvertently) on their current body shape.

Ok, one last thing- those websites I linked to earlier.  I promise I wasn't feeling self-deprecating and searching for mean hating-on-the-fatties sites.  I was reading another blog that links to mine and it's on Wordpress so if you hover over my blog's link this snap shot deal pops up- the good thing is it shows the first few lines of my most recent posts.  The bummer is that there are sponsored ads with words representing topics that some advertiser apparently thinks apply to my blog, and if you click on the words it brings up a page with other websites related to that topic.  So, one of the phrases said advertiser apparently thinks apply to Foode Fight showed up as "fat people".  Lovely.  But I clicked the link, saw those two sites, and was appalled.

There are people are so insecure and desperate to be loved that they go on anonymous sites to pour out vitriol aimed at fat people.  Specific fat people, all fatties in general, etc.  And then there was the other site, pictures of fat people posted so that less-fat people can mock them and feel a little better about themselves.  Honestly, it's so tragic.  I know not everyone shares my worldview, but I pray for the people who spend time on those websites because they are so, so desperate for redemption and love found only in Jesus.

On this note I need to wrap up.  You can look forward to a post later this week about some forthcoming HUGE changes to my diet... it's very simple.  My husband has a severe dermatological disorder (read: extremely painful rash) that was misdiagnosed as psoriasis for the last 8 years.  Today we found out that it's a rather extreme reaction to gluten.  Our entire menu has to completely change, and gluten free can be frugal but it's rough.  So, look forward to more on that.  And maybe some stuff between now and then.  For now, I am exhausted.  Hasta, chicos.

PS I have nothing against Gisele Bundchen.  I'm not ripping on her for having a sexy body.  It is tragic that she uses her body basically to make herself a lot of money and perpetuate the objectification of women in our culture as sex objects, but at the end of the day I would want her to meet Jesus and find true value and worth in life every bit as much as I would my own female friend or mother or some random "average" gal down the street.

My intent is not to hypocritically beat up on Ms. Bundchen for having a sexy body- my only point is that any of us buying into the idea that her body is the ideal for everyone else is wrong.  And for anyone with a slamming body like hers- well, that's awesome for that woman's husband but what good has it done for women or men to have culture try and dictate to us all what a standard of beauty is?  I firmly believe this issue tears marriages to shreds because men have porn addictions and/or they gaze (read: lust) after hot women in passing and their wives feel- this is a harsh word, but so true; I apologize to my G-readers in advance- shitty about themselves, which leads to either clinginess or retreat; both are manipulative and the husband in turn looks to other women sexually for fulfillment.  Even if he never "cheats" there is still a huge wedge in the marriage.

A much, much better way would be if men- hardwired to be very visual- were NOT constantly bombarded with half naked women everywhere they look.  Then they could do a better job at keeping their wife as their standard of beauty; in turn the wife's standard of beauty would be not in the latest Victoria's Secret campaign ads but in how her husband sees her, and she'd be able to believe that, for him, she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that's all that truly matters.  In Christ this is fully possible, it just sucks that even Jesus-loving men are hit so hard with images of Gisele in a barely-there bikini when they are watching football, images that their mind struggles to erase, and women battle incessantly with often vicious body image issues as a result of how culture has reduced them to their looks.  I know I'm on a soapbox, but it's tearing our marriages and families apart long before any vows are ever exchanged between two people.

Ok, I'm actually going to bed now.  'Night.