[What's A Boy To Do, Mat Kearney]

Before I get into the post, I want to say this: a large chunk of my readers find me by googling (literally googling, not just any inferior random search engine!) "foode fight".  This is cool, but may I recommend you to a product that will change your life?  No, really.  Trust me here.

Google Reader

(It's linked- go there!)

Sign up for an account (if you don't already have a gmail account; if you do then you just use your gmail info, same as for Google Docs, Google Calendar, etc), and add Foode Fight as a subscription (you just paste the web URL into a box that will pop up when you click "add subscription" on the far left about halfway down the page).  You can add all of your various blogs.  I have a ton that I read, and believe me, going to each one is annoying, especially when you have friends that update like once every three months (coughShionacough).  I simply created folders- Real Friends (you know, as opposed to fake friends... no, kidding.  These are simply people I actually know as opposed to cyber-people), Weight Loss Blogs, Seattle Neighborhood Blogs (from hyper-local to Seattle in general; this helps me keep my feelers on the heartbeat of Seattle culture, and since I live here I kind of think it matters to do so), on and on.  If you aren't super tech savvy and need help, just ask me.  But really, it's fabulous- you go to one place to read everything.  And if you really want to see people's actual page and not just a generic white background you can click a link to their page.  Easy.

The best part is that I no longer have to memorize blog addy's whenever I am on a different computer.  Like, we have a desktop and laptop and depending on what's up with my husband I switch back and forth.  Or, when I am at work I can just sign into Gmail, click on the Reader link in the top left corner, and voila, I'm already signed in and can catch up on my blogs.  This is the best RSS reader I have found, and in general I am a huge Google fan (if you hadn't noticed).  I heartily recommend Gmail and Google Calendar, too (even though we have Outlook 2007... I prefer Google Calendar, again due to the portability... it's online so I just need an internet connection and I can update the calendar, say, if I make a dr. apt while at work.  Fantastic.), because they are awesome... but I'll just stop there... well, one more thing. I had Hotmail for like 7 years, and a Yahoo account for a few years in there, and once I signed up for Gmail I eventually forgot the other two even existed-- that's how vastly superior Gmail is.

I'll stop now :)

Things re: gastric bypass are underway.  My initial consult apt has been scheduled, so between now and then I just have to gather info and complete some paperwork to be ready.  Simple.

I have been thinking about something... I have a gazillion friends on Facebook (or four hundred and something... same diff), all people I actually know (a personal rule of mine).  I linked them, via a status update, to my last post.  A LOT of people visited (my daily average number of visitors more than doubled for the last two days) and I received some really great feedback.  Yet, when I posted the blog there, I was kind of nervous.

The thing is, while I make Foode Fight fairly accessible (it's listed right there on my profile) I get a bit antsy about directly linking people to it by means of something so readily available as a click on my status.  This means people beyond my comfort zone will probably read it.  And then people will know I'm fat.  And that I struggle.  That I am vulnerable.  For as honest as I often am here on Foode Fight, it's still kind of cozy because a fairly limited subset of people read this blog- either strangers who are also on their own weight loss journey or good friends I trust.  Basically, you,  my main readers hitting me up 50 or so times a day, are safe.

Beyond you, the loyal and supportive people who have been here for nearly a year (most of you, at least), it gets less certain.  The step off of the nice, solid cement and onto the less-certain untended terrain was one taken, at first, with trepidation... but then I just sort of threw myself out there and did it.  So far it's been really great, lots of support and love.  Truly, that's fantastic and I'm really grateful.

So, the point of all this is that I've been thinking today about why I have been so hesitant to put my blog out there, to make it more accessible to those who know me but haven't discovered it yet.  Part of it, maybe, is that I'm 50 to 140 pounds heavier than when some of those people last saw me (about 50 pounds heavier since college/TFA and 140 more than when I graduated high school).  Having only flattering pictures of myself on Facebook and things unrelated to my weight on my profile keep up the facade that I'm less fat than I actually am.  I mean, to someone who hasn't seen me since high school I'm only 220 pounds fat, not 360 pounds fat.  But if they read my blog, realize how big I actually am, and see that I'm one of "those" people, those gastric bypass people, then suddenly the possibility of me existing as a 220 pound fat person is extinguished.  Revolutionary to realize, but probably fairly common, I would think.  I mean, I can't be the only person that sort of avoids people from my past because I don't want them to see me until I'm thinner.  And, if you're like me, as your weight keeps creeping upward, your social life declines pretty much in direct proportion.  Tragic, really.

So then there's the other thing... I'm sure you noticed my "those" people comment in the above paragraph.  Silly things have been running through my mind, like those People "Half My Size" magazine specials.  I remember one cover in particular said, "No Surgery, No Gimmicks" in big, yellow block letters next to a few chicks who had lost more poundage than their current weight.  Literally cut in half by working hard.  The word association there suggests that surgery is a cheater's way out of obesity.  And random things, like a girl in high school commenting "I think really fat people should just get off of their asses and work hard to lose weight like everybody else and not cheat with some surgery" when gastric bypass was first hitting the scene as a way to tackle obesity, have spun around in my head, accusing me.

I know some people think gastric bypass, or any WLS, is cheating... but those people either a) aren't obese and don't understand it, don't realize that I can eat exactly what they do and work out as much as they do and never be thin like them, or b) do struggle with obesity but likewise struggle with their pride and think that if they can somehow beat obesity without surgery then it's better and more authentic than those who "take the easy way out" and get surgery; these people probably diet and exercise and have experienced nominal success and they probably are bitter against people who have had surgery and have lost drastically more weight.  I'm sure there are other reasons why people think WLS is cheating, but I absolutely fall into the b) category.  At least, I have.  Mainly because up until about 6 weeks ago WLS was financially out of the question.  I wanted it but thought it was simply out of reach for me.

I know I have some head issues to get over, but you know, not to sound all Obama-y here, for the first time in a long time I have hope regarding my weight.  Real hope, something concrete to build upon, and not just fleeting fantasies about a dream; a dream for which all the hard work in the world never has- and never will- help me realize.  Last night I stayed up a full hour past when I really should have gone to bed because I was looking through "before and after" pics on a website dedicated to those who have had / will have / are considering having WLS (weight loss surgery, for those who may be totally lost and pissed that I am using an acronym for which they have do clue what I am talking about).  You can check them out here , if you'd like.

The deal is, I am fat.  Really fat.  Fatter than the vast majority of people will ever get- fatter even than most fat people.  I can hide from that, be ashamed of it, and think I am proving something- mainly to myself, much as I try to mask it with the idea that it's for the approval of others- if I lose weight "the old-fashioned way".  Or, I can recognize that, for the vast majority of people including those significantly less obese than I, diet and exercise does not work in the long term, and I don't have the time to keep screwing around.  My body can't really handle being upwards of 400 pounds much longer.  It WILL start failing in major ways... thus far, frustrating as they may be, my health issues have been relatively minor; I can't afford to take this for granted.  I need to get this weight off of me- soon, and quickly.

A big myth is that people with WLS get kind of a free ticket.  I don't know how many people read the diet guidelines my doctor has posted on-line for his patients to follow post surgery but... um, it's not exactly happy happy joy joy fun time at the carnival.  I'd like to see the average person follow even the pre-surgery guidelines (page 4), let alone the clear liquid and liquid diet, onto mashing up food like a baby and basically saying adios to sweets and carbonated beverages, pretty much for life.  Plus, things like not being able to drink through a straw and having to only consume liquids 30 minutes before and / or after a meal, and having to sip, not gulp, liquids slowly- including water- constantly throughout the day... not easy, to say the least.  Plus, consistent strength training to retain lean muscle mass, plus cardio to blast even more fat away at a quicker pace, is required.  Surgery is not easy.  It's an advantage over classic diet and exercise to be sure- especially since it's been proven to actually work in the long term, among other things- and at best maybe it's a sort of shortcut, but it's not cheating or an easy way out.

Gastric bypass works.  It works really, really well  and has changed thousands (possibly millions; I don't know the stats) of peoples' lives.  People that used to look like me are now 150 pounds and really healthy and living in a way they never believed possible.  Gastric bypass takes my dreams and offers them to me as a reality.  I know that things can happen- insurance could, for some reason, deny me (though our coverage precludes them from doing so since it's a guaranteed coverage at 100% so long as I meet the medical qualifications, which I do), or, though I pray it never happens, Jason could get laid off and we could lose the coverage, or some crazy thing could happen (I could get pregnant, which would be sucky timing, though I'd trust God for His will) and this could fall through.  But so long as it's a real possibility I will trust God and I will seek to quit hoping to win the approval of man.

Something tells me that if I am 150 pounds two years from now I quite honestly won't give a damn what people think of me or my methods for how I lost the weight.  Until then, I need to quit worrying that people will think of me as being fat because... well, I am.  Maybe the chamber was loaded with bullet after bullet of genetics and environment and abuse, but I pull the trigger every time I overeat and I got myself into this mess. I can trip all over myself worrying about what others think or I can suck up my pride, have some real faith in my very real God that He is the only one whose opinion matters, and I can pursue this chance in a lifetime that He is giving me.

When I put it like that it all seems pretty simple.

I suppose that's because it is just that simple.  Get over myself, trust Jesus, change my life.

I'm working on it.