[Broken, Lifehouse]

After so many weeks of rarely posting, suddenly I'm bursting at the seams with things I want to write about.  From themes re: church to how Jesus is changing me to political thoughts (trust me, not what you expect) to music and singing to insecurity... all of these things occur to me as things I want to write about and then during the day little things add to what I want to say.

For today, I'ma speak about insecurity.  I touched on it some in my post about high school and the lingering effects of surviving it from earlier this week.  It didn't really encapsulate all that I've been mentally chewing on for the last few weeks so I'll hit the whole theme up on here.  

It would be easier to say this is just about what other people think, but that's not the whole truth.  The only reason we (I) worry about what other people think is because we want to be thought of in certain ways and our obsession with what others are thinking directly correlates to the insecurity that they might not think of us the way we want to be thought of.  This is especially true when we know that who/what/how we want to be doesn't line up with who/what/how we actually are.  As a result we get caught up in whether or not others are aware of this gap.  The root of it all is the insecurity that, due to the gap, we're lacking as a person and won't get the love/respect/power/attention/compensation/notoriety/fame-- pick your poison[s]-- we yearn for.

People have various things that make them tick- mine is just generally wanting to be thought well of, to be desired.  I want to be needed.  I choked out friendships when I was younger because I was so desperate to be each friend's favorite that I would alternately jealously smother them and indifferently abandon them for someone more worthy of my time.  

I'm glad to say I don't do that anymore, but I still definitely want everyone to see me as someone awesome that they are really glad to know.  I've come a long way as far as just being an authentically real, raw, and open person without worrying about how I'll be received.  I've embraced the reality that some people will like me better than others, and I've let go of some friendships.  I always want to hold onto people from my past and somehow maintain today what we had way back when, and I tend to feel hurt when I detect people not wanting to hold onto my friendship in the same way.  I'd like to think I'm so wonderful that they can't let go of me... but in the last couple of years I've come to realize that some relationships remain steadfast throughout the years, some ebb and flow, and others just continually fade and that's ok.

Being so obese definitely affects my perception of myself, and I anticipate what others must think of me when they meet me, though it's a very recent thing.  This whole weight loss / surrender of sin journey has really amped up my sensitivity.  I've always been overweight and as such carried an awareness of what that might mean to others, but I've grown increasingly sensitive in the last year.  A lot of it is connected to Mars Hill-- somehow I get this perception about what everyone there must be like based solely on the general physical appearance of people at church and I assume that I am thought of in a certain (read: negative) way.  

A lot of people at church are young, hip, totally cute, and generally skinny and fit.  To be fair, we go to the 7pm service, with a ton of college students (we're close to a few colleges, namely the U'Dub), but when we were 11am'ers most were still young and even the couples with kids primarily had infants and toddlers.  I'm certain the main demographic at MHC is people in their twenties based solely on what I've seen (which, hello, we are in our twenties so... makes sense).  Thus, I assume that everyone is not only completely aware of me and my obesity but that they are disgusted by it.

A few weeks ago Pastor Mark was preaching on the Lord's prayer, and when he got to the part about "give us this day our daily bread" he made a point that for the majority of us, our issue is not need of bread- it's obesity, because we've got mega-stockpiles of food and would still be chubby in six months even if the apocalypse came.  If you follow the link to the video he hits that point from about 32:00 to 33:08.  He was totally right and not being rude or anything, yet I immediately turned bright red because the whole room kind of chuckled when he said it and I was certain everyone around was staring right at me.  I was excruciatingly self-aware in that moment.  

After an eternity (ok, not really, but you know that feeling) I realized there was another guy not too far away from me who was a pretty big boy and he kept talking to his friend next to him in a way that was meant to look casual yet by his mannerisms and painfully conspicuous body language was merely a decoy for his own certainty that everyone was silently pointing at him.  It hit me that maybe- just maybe- not everyone is as continually aware of my size as I am. 

Plus, Pastor Mark's preaching is pointed enough that every person in the room who is sensitive to the Holy Spirit constantly feels like he's preaching directly to them.  The likelihood is that everyone's minds drifted to their large quantities of food crowding their pantries, fridges, and cupboards and their own body and weight issues, be they what I consider "fit" or no.

Therein lies my point- we're all insecure in one way or another.  We deal with it differently, and it's manifest in myriad ways from person to person, but everyone is constantly wrestling their own issues with who/what/how they are and if others perceive them the way they want to be... the aforementioned gap is very powerful and real.  

I have been legitimately judged by people since moving to Seattle (here and here are some examples... I just reread both posts and ouch) but interestingly enough neither of those times were even in Seattle proper, let alone at church.  I've experienced nothing but grace and encouragement from the amazing people I've met at Mars Hill, so it's rather cruel of me to project a mean and ugly spirit onto them.

The bottom line is still that my identity is not in what other's think of me- I've said it before (too lazy to go find a post) but I'll say it again and again-- my spiritual issues are merely manifest in this obese body.  If my identity isn't in who Jesus Christ has made me to be- a blood-bought, reborn, daughter of the King whose purpose is to know, love, and live for Him no matter what anyone else does- then even if I lose the weight I'll still be completely screwed up.  That's the hardest part of this journey-- mere willpower won't change my heart.  Only surrendering the idols of food and comfort and replacing them with Jesus will bring about the change my soul is so desperate for.