My beloved Jasface turned a ripe ol' 28 last Sunday, and so tonight we went to fam fave Red Robin for dinner to use the free burger coupon they e-mailed us.  I was feeling good about our meal- I was eating about 1/3 of the chips and guac, half of the burger, the two smaller chicken strips, and about 2/3 of my fries with ranch sparingly at my discretion.  All that would still only put me at about 2000 calories for the day and I knew we were going bowling afterward for a couple of hours, not to mention the walking we did shopping before dinner, and... some fun activity that burns calories that we partook in earlier in the day which I shall aptly call afternoon delight... so I was feeling decent about myself.

Then a trashy (no, really... think showing tooooo much tattoed cleavage, stringy hair and make up that only looks appropriate on hookers who will perform oral for a hit of meth, 2 sizes too small jeans that force a muffin top and dudes with dirty shirts and hair that hasn't been allowed since 1987... and even then it was offensive) group of two (I think) couples in their early 20's and their three 7-10 year old kids came and sat at the table perpendicular to us.  Jas was totally oblivious, but I noticed one boy, about 10 and the kind of kid who is ruddy and attractive and who you can tell totally picks on weaker kids at school, said something to the effect of, "That lady is so fat that she should not be eating."  I couldn't tell his exact words, but it wasn't innocent, "You're big", like I occasionally get from some small children, much to the horror of their parents.  Usually I smile and say, "Yes, I am.  I'm leaning on Jesus to help me get healthy and honor Him."  

In this case... not so much.  He thought I didn't notice, so he said it to the woman I am pretty sure was his mother and then again to the guy next to him who appeared to be his very disinterested father or possibly just the mother's boyfriend since he looked nothing like the kids.  The mother started laughing and covering her face and telling the other woman while stealing glances of my fatness, as if that would make it less conspicuous, and the father-figure laughed and clearly said something to the effect of what a lousy human I was, providing some father-son bonding over my utter worthlessness and their disgust at me for living my fatty life in their presence.  

Jason, right about then, asked me a question and asked me why I was suddenly so distant, but I was too busy staring at the kid until he'd look at me, and when his haughty eyes secretively (he thought) shot my way I said, loud enough for him to hear and in my teacher voice, "I heard you".  I think the look on my face- a mixture of rebuke and deep hurt- shamed him, because he quickly looked away and asked to go play video games.  I told Jason what happened and he got very upset- he wanted to punch the guy, but I told him that wouldn't be necessary.  He also said he would ask to speak to the manager, but I told him that would just make me feel worse.

I tried not to let it bother me... but tears crept into my eyes and snuck out the corners.  I hated that a kid, and his horrible parents (seriously, would a single reader of this blog let their kid get away with being so wretched toward another person, let alone encourage it by congratulating him?) could wound me so deeply.  I started to make myself feel better by trying to pity them for their clear white trashiness, but then I was so convicted that I only felt worse because then I was sinking to their level- making myself feel better by comparison.  Their kicks were that I am fatter than them- oh so much fatter- and I refused to let mine be based on socio-economic status and education.  I was starting to drag Jason down that path with me, and had to stop and say, "No.  Jesus defines me.  Their opinion means nothing.  My identity is solely in who Jesus Christ says I am."  Sweet, sweet Jason told me that I am beautiful, and that he'd rather weigh 900 pounds and be kind to others than be skinny and act like them, and that helped a little.  He also shielded me from their view when we got up to leave, and I held my head high.

The nice thing is that I utterly lost my appetite and gave Jason my last few fries and one of my chicken strips.  I was starting to feel a little full, anyway, so it was good.  Also, my heart hurt for them some, because sometimes you just know if people have Jesus or not and they clearly didn't (other things happened, like the other mother trash talking her 7 year old daughter and ripping her apart for not staying by her side when they went to the arcade... and not in the protective and worried way, but in the "you're a horrible child and I wish you weren't mine" kind of way... a mother with Jesus just doesn't do that, not the way she did; plus both women were constantly trying to impress the men they were with, while the men seemed bored and only happy to get the free meal while checking out every hot- or even not super hot- woman in the room... it made me grateful for my husband who treasures me and to whom the thought of even looking at another woman sexually makes him sick).  I hurt for a few minutes at dinner, but if they don't meet Jesus their eternity will be far worse than anything they could ever do to me.  I also thought about why I am this fat, and that if they were forced to sit and watch on video some of the terribly awful things that happened to me as a child that caused me to run to food then they'd likely feel horrible.  Mostly, I just thanked Jesus that my identity is hidden in His opinion, and for my amazing husband who made sure I know how loved I am by both him and our Lord.

These lyrics make me want to cry all over again, but for a different, better, reason:

I wish you could hear the song, because it's beautiful.

Finally, I want to share with you all a dress I bought- it's a 13/14 and I got it because someday- maybe even next summer- I will be able to wear it.  I've been meaning to get something like this, as my goal, and this dress was PERFECT.  Plus it was only $15 at Ross though it's a Maurice's dress ;)

I WILL lose this weight and buy cute clothes and look and feel cute and flirty and fun in this dress on a date with my husband.  

Maybe even to Red Robin.

As a bonus, enjoy some pics from our date night :)

I just have to say that, on the first three, note that I was having a (rare) photogenic day whilst the husband was... well... not.  Mainly because he was in "let's hurry up and leave and get the shopping over with" mode, not "smile and look romantic" mode.  Let not his impatient eyes be mistaken for a lack of love and affection.

1: my lips are AWESOME.  

2: check out the reflection in my sunglasses.  also AWESOME.

3: yes, I left out capitalized letters in the appropriate places on purpose.

Just rockin' the 405 in our '91 Metro.

I love this picture.  I want to print it in black and white in like 8x10, frame it, and put it on display.  

Ok, other than my massive gut that I should have had the presence of mind to suck in, this is a sweet picture.  No posing.  It was au naturale (thus the gut capture).

Me so sleepy.

I just LOVE the squiggly lines here.  So cool.