... but I still live with the side effects
[Note: As of 12:36 pm PDT I am updating a bit at the end of the post, so if you're checking again then read that!]
It's incredible to me how the joy of losing 25 pounds can be swallowed up by all of the bitter emotions that arise when my weight is thrown back in my face.
Tuesday my hottie husband and I realized about 5 minutes before Community Group that we were responsible for bringing snacks. As a result, we ended up running- actually, almost literally- into Fred Meyer. Jas had to grab something to supplement his lunches (some fat wife of his snarfed 3 servings of his incredible Trader Joe's Hawaiian style BBQ chips) so he went to get Triscuits and I went to the bakery section. On the way I picked up some fresh strawberries, and then in a bit of a frantic blur I chose some fluffy pink frosted sugar cookies. I figured I should get one more cookie option so I was speedily perusing my options.
I realized that a young couple had literally- LITERALLY- stopped in the middle of the aisle, cart and all, to ogle me. They were, of course, beautiful people. The girl- a tiny little Asian girl with glowing dark skin and perfect clothes and perfect hair- had the most disgusted and aghast look on her face that I have ever seen. The derision dripped from her penetrating gaze. The guy, in his tight jeans with a bought new to look old T-shirt and gelled coif, stared blankly, looking more dumbfounded than anything. He was in a daze, uncertain that what was happening before him was really real. Had I stayed much longer I am sure he would have pinched himself. As it were, I grabbed some double chocolate cookies and busted on out of there, my ass waddling as I went.
The nerve I have to shop and be fat! And for cookies no less! Really, I should just be shot already. Part of me wanted to say, "They're not for me! I'm going to Bible study and we're running late and we forgot to make something, or it would have been avocado puree instead of butter and honey would replace half the sugar!". The other part of me wanted to yell, "Yes, I am FAT! Now go buy your damn groceries and stroke your ego with how much more incredible of a person you are that you don't look like me!"
Instead, I said nothing until my husband and I were getting into our truck. My wonderful husband said that it was God's providence that we had to split up because had we not he probably would have punched the dude in the face... I knew he was lying (mostly to himself! I can't imagine him punching anyone, though if ever he did I am certain it would be defending my honor... so chivalrous, my man is) but it made me feel a little better. Mostly I was just so frustrated that people can be so ridiculous. SERIOUSLY- RIDICULOUS!
I won't lie- I've seen some fat people and thought, "Whoa..." and didn't look away quite when I should have. But to stand frozen in the middle of the aisle of a grocery store because a 341 pound woman is buying some cookies? I can only roll my eyes and shake my head.
This is a reminder that 25 pounds is a victory, but the battle is far from over. I will fight this foode battle and when I reach my goal I will never stare at someone just because they're fat and buying cookies! My heart will break a little and hopefully I'll pray for them. All of that said, this horrifying experience stresses to me all the more how important it is that I put my identity in Jesus and not my body or even the amount of weight I have lost. The fact is, I am a sinner and just because it's not written on my face so clearly I have judged people I see in public with whom I absolutely cannot identify... I am no better. I only have to keep being real and handling me.
That's my story. Done and done.
EDIT: I just have to note here that I am not a huge curser. Crazy as it seems, I don't believe that saying "ass" is inherently sinful, but I also don't want people to get the idea that I'm this crazy chick dropping f-bombs all over crowds of impressionable toddlers!
On my way to work this morning I found myself plotting my next post, an angry diatribe on the massive ineptitude of timid female drivers... and then I realized that I am 100% in the throes of PMS. So forgive my snarky tendencies, if indeed you are able :)
EDIT: I just have to note here that I am not a huge curser. Crazy as it seems, I don't believe that saying "ass" is inherently sinful, but I also don't want people to get the idea that I'm this crazy chick dropping f-bombs all over crowds of impressionable toddlers!
On my way to work this morning I found myself plotting my next post, an angry diatribe on the massive ineptitude of timid female drivers... and then I realized that I am 100% in the throes of PMS. So forgive my snarky tendencies, if indeed you are able :)
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on Thursday
at Thursday, April 17, 2008
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husband love,
this is war
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