[All Right Now, Free]

First things first- I updated my measurements in yesterday's post .  You know what's most disturbing?  I am 5' 6 7/8" tall (I always just say 5' 7" because, well, that makes so much more sense).  So... I am, basically, 67" tall.  My hips- the widest part of me, plus my huge, disgustingly fat lower stomach (more on that in a minute)- are 66 1/2"... aka nearly as big around as I am tall.  And I am above average in height.  It's kind of sickening when I take a step back and think about it.

I cannot lie to you- my husband is 77" tall (that's 6' 5" for those of you who weren't math whizzes in school), and if he were 77" around I'd be very not attracted to him physically.  Thankfully for me he's only 36" inches around.  I know it's selfish, and I'm in awe of him for loving me as I am, but I am the ultimate hypocrite because if my husband were to become very fat I would struggle. He's actually lost about 15 pounds since we married just over a year ago, and I often tell him how sexy he is to me, and marvel at this hardening (with muscle) body.  I love his body and if he were to gain 100 pounds I think I would be utterly disgusted... and if he were to gain 200 pounds, which is about how many I need to lose to be in a decently healthy range, then I'd really struggle.  I would be completely repulsed by his body in the whole physically attractive realm.  I know how horrible that sounds, but it's the truth.

Ironically, just today he begged for a Starbucks Mocha Chip Frappuccino and since he sat through my 2.5 hour Dr. apt.  When we stepped in to buy it, he asked if I wanted anything, I declined, and he said, and I quote: "You are so much healthier of a person than I am.  You make such better choices.  It's just not fair."  This is because he just listened to an hour long session with a nurse and then doctor about, generally, how terrible of a ride my health is on.

Ok, onto the apt.  It was a bit uneventful.  Basically, the doctor did a great job of listening and getting my history, getting to know me (this is very good).  The bummer is she didn't have any real answers; she's not so much into prescribing weight loss drugs (she doesn't believe they work... this is ok, as I'm not one big into drugs) and she admitted that it would be best for me to see a nutritionist.  She did prescribe Prevacid, which we'll pick up from Walgreen's tomorrow, so it's very exciting to finally have insurance that will cover it (for those unfamiliar, I have had some scary acid reflux moments , and though I follow the directions to a T, Prilosec just hasn't worked for me... a free trial of Prevacid was amazing but our old insurance didn't cover it) and hopefully I won't wake up afraid I am dying anymore!

Beyond that, basically she referred me to see a nutritionist, set me up to get an ultrasound to check for PCOS (just follow the link if you don't know the acronym because there is a quick answer and the full name there), gave me the info of a really great endocrinologist, and ordered a bucket load of blood tests.  Ok, not really, but three full vials were drawn.  So I don't have any real answers yet, though she said the exercise I am doing is a pretty solid amount considering my ailments and that a nutritionist can give me much better counsel re: foods I should be eating and number of calories a day.  I'm going to do my own research into foods that are low on the Glycemic Index and I'll start working on that on my own.  I'm still in my pull-in-overloads-of-data phase, but I'm pretty well informed and I feel confident that when I ultimately decide whether to have gastric banding surgery it will be one not made lightly.

Anyway, I'm tired.  I only want to say, in reference to my whole "huge, disgustingly fat lower stomach" comment from the first paragraph, that I do appreciate many things about my body.  And, if we're really being honest, it's not my stomach's fault that it's so fat.  I have forced this shape upon my body, and I won't play games of pretending to love my body purely for the sake of self-esteem- my body doesn't define who I am.  I am defined by whose I am, and I accept full responsibility for my stomach.  It's still disgusting to see and feel, though.

I'll end with this thought- there are some videos of WLS being performed (laparoscopically, so the video is of, basically, what the doctor sees via the camera that's inside the body cavity as the surgeon does the procedure) that I watched on the website for the hospital where I am looking to have the surgery done (I'm looking into the Realize band, so if you are curious you can check out the video here ; just scroll to the bottom of that page, down only a few clicks).  Anyway, the point of this is that you see inside the body; you can actually see Dr. Chebli placing the band around an existing obese person's stomach.  The sad thing is that you see the fat, big yellow ugly globs of fat, and how it has wrapped itself around the organs and is webbed with blood vessels.  The doctor has to burn away the fat to have access to place the band, and I was completely disgusted.  That's what my insides look like- massively overtaken by huge, jigglesome (yeah, not a word, I know), gelatinous globs of nasty yellow fat.  It's what a scary bad guy ghost would look like on Scooby Doo. And I have done that to my body.  I need to think about this when I just HAVE to eat a sweet or unhealthy, highly processed, highly fatty foods.

I'm starting to lose my stream of consciousness and if I don't cap this off then you'll end up floating out the the middle of the Sea of Japan with me, and somehow I don't think that would be all that cozy.  So I'ma finishing up.  I'll keep ya updated as I go to various apts and the like.  Until then, be awesome.