[Fight Song, The Republic Tigers]
I remember reading a blog entry by some random person a few years ago about this disgusting zit-puss thing that formed on her chest. She delved into near nausea-inducing detail about how big it got and why she decided to pop it while in the shower, describing the texture and color and volume of the nasty excretions it created, at length penning the experience of the putrid smell lingering in steam rising from the shower and filling her nostrils the entire time, even once she used fruity-smelly bodywash.
I was completely disgusted, yet... I read the whole thing. I was absolutely enthralled. It was disturbing, but I could totally identify with doing something weird and gross that you'd never want people to know about (like intentionally sniffing to see what my own fart smells like- you know you've done it, even if you'll never admit it and think I'm totally appalling right now). The fact that she was so forthright was downright refreshing. That said, she was writing while hiding behind the mask of anonymity, so while I was engaged by her story I couldn't really relate to her personally because I find it rather tough to connect to a "personal" voice spoken by a completely anonymous blogger, which is pretty much the epitome of not personal.
I suppose that's part of why I don't blog anonymously- I started out thinking I'd post pictures of my whole body and face but not reveal my real name so that no one I knew could find me, and I could feel free to say whatever I want. I can't lie- there have been times I wanted to go off on a tirade about my sucky job or sucky friend or sucky church (not Mars Hill) or sucky life, but I'm glad I didn't because writing while still reeling with emotions and from a place of bitterness causes me to say things that I don't honestly really mean and I don't want to ever regret things I say on here. I want to be the real me, unashamed, writing with the confidence that anyone could read what I say and I wouldn't change a thing. Sucky stuff happens- that's life, but if I wait to talk about until Jesus has been able to take me from place of bitterness to a place of gratitude then I won't say things I regret- sometimes He may convict me to say nothing at all. That's not to say I won't make mistakes, but if my words are seasoned with grace and I refrain from posting the things I can't say freely, and if I am humble and ask for forgiveness when I do mess up, then I won't have to regret anything.
This, I think, is true liberation- the freedom to just be me, replete with imperfections. Hopefully it shines through on this blog... trust me when I tell you that it's not always easy. Writing in such horrifying detail about my binge and purge last week was hard, but once I pushed away my deeply rooted fears of rejection and just got real a beautiful post poured out. It deeply affected me, and from the feedback I've received I know it spoke to many of you.
I have always had a tiny little flickering of hope that wants to see this blog flourish as I succeed in losing weight so that people will contact me and ask me to compile a book from my entries (nice thinking, Molly- totally on that same page with your suggestion) and then I'll be able to be a writer with a fabulous job replete with royalties that will buy me a sweet MacBook Pro (I really, really, really want one... I have a horrible story about getting closerthanthis to getting one at a price I can afford and then having it yanked away for quite literally the worst reason ever, but I won't go there for now) and I can sit in coffee shops and write and spend my days totally liberated and freelancing up a storm about my awesome new life that includes doing fantastic stuff like running half-marathons and hiking Mt Rainier and never again worrying about fitting my bum into any seat, anywhere. Plus, you know, in the fantasy I have a far more toned- not skinny nor even lean, but athletic- body and am finally in a skin I feel beautiful inhabiting.
Non of that is a bad hope, overall, because I really do love writing this blog and I really do want a healthier and happier existence. Plus, often when I have a lingering desire like that it's because it's from Jesus and eventually it comes true. Not always, and not exactly as I planned if it does, but often. The thing is, I want you faithful readers to know that no matter what happens- say all of my dreams come true- I will stay real. Even if no one read it I would keep posting to this blog because of the wonderful way it affects me.
Sometimes I get the temptation to go find other people with weight loss blogs and post comments and join on-line weight loss communities so I can build a huge following and then be like, "Look book companies- my blog gets 100,000 hits a day!" and I can like sell advertising and make a living off of this because I really do love it so much. But I won't sell out like that. I do read other blogs, and comment occasionally on them, and when a community hits me as really cool and encouraging I might get involved more or less as I so desire, but I won't go fishing for readers. That's a horrible reason to connect with people, and it's not how I play.
I want friends and strangers alike to be aware of this blog because I hope it will resonate with them, but I refuse to whore myself around the internet in the vain attempt to get something that may only be a pipe dream anyway. With that, sometimes I catch myself trying to write a certain way because that's what I think will sell people on wanting to read my blog, a certain tone... that's stupid and I always stop myself and just write with my own voice, the way I'd speak were it a vocalized conversation with a friend. I just have to be Tami, not "oh my gosh, she's so witty" blogging woman. That's not to say I don't hope this blog is peppered with wit, just not in a manufactured way.
Being forced, Faux Tami if you will, is not how I operate-- I want to be raw, a real person who I would respect were I not actually me. I really love this blog but if I tried to be something I'm not then I would grow to hate it and likely that would just intensify if it did gain in popularity Besides, I keep finding out that more and more random people- from acquaintances I barely knew in college to someone I only met once to friends by association via my husband to complete strangers- read Foode Fight and are encouraged by it. That's awesome, and humbling. I hope people can really relate to the themes of this blog, if not the specific circumstances, completely identifying with the thoughts and emotions and reactions I describe. Plus, I'm increasingly convinced that everyone- females in particular- have issues of some kind with food, their weight / dress size, and their body. Hopefully I can just be more honest than most in addressing these issues.
I know there's a pretty strong Jesus vibe on this blog, and I don't apologize for that. I certainly hope that this blog ministers to people, encouraging them in their relationship with Jesus; if they don't have one then I hope the way He is represented through me is a way that Jesus is able to reach them and start a relationship. I'm no longer tempted to hold back on the Jesus in order to grow my blog's popularity (I'm pretty sure there's a post about that somewhere but I'm tired and need to shower and thus am not gonna go lookin' for it)-- He's the central part of my life and were I to edit Him out this entire blog would be a lie. Besides, people are likely to be far more open to Jesus when reading a blog by a real person who is honest about their flaws and real about their sin, and if they're offended by Jesus talk and think my blog sucks then it's only what Jesus said would happen, that people will reject me because of Him, thus, so be it. They can read someone else's blog and it's totally fine with me.
A friend recently told me that she enjoys my blog because she deals with a lot of the same issues. She encouraged me by reconfirming that being so raw and vulnerable is what makes me real, taking my writing from a me-centered experience into one that also exhorts others, connecting us and pressing us on to keep growing.
Another friends is really struggling with she believes about Jesus and church and the complexities of it all. She is really encouraged by my candor regarding Jesus and this whole world of food, exercise, obesity, and obedience that I write about. It's opened doors for frank conversation that spurs both of us toward growth in Jesus in multiple areas, not just the weight stuffs.
They are why I write this blog- for them, for me, for you. You can expect this of me:
To keep being real.
If I get lame and start to slip call me out on it-- that's my expectation of you.
This entry was posted
on Sunday
at Sunday, August 10, 2008
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introspection,
jesus
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