[Pork & Beans, Weezer]
Finally, an update. You all deserve one. I haven't written because, to be blunt, I haven't been disciplined with eating at all for the last week or so and I just couldn't write on here until I was ready to be honest about it.
I really don't know what changed- I was doing really well with eating, so even though I can't exercise I wasn't porking out. And then, suddenly, I started porking out and didn't stop. Not like my old days with fast food and junk, mind you, but this wasn't much better. Way too much per serving and not enough veggies and the like; I was just eating what I wanted and not counting calories or servings of anything. I was 346 a week and a half ago and the other day the scale said 356 (I balloon up and down like that) and I just felt so terrible that I couldn't write on here.
I realized something last night, while watching a recording of the fireworks extravaganza from Boston for the Fourth of July. Here I am, living literally 2 miles from what was probably a pretty sweet fireworks display in downtown Seattle, and I sat at home with my husband and watched other people go out to celebrate. How sad is that? Now, to be fair, it was like 95% because of my back. But, honestly, even if I were fully healed (I'm on the up, by the way- off of bedrest but still unable to walk for more than about 4 minutes before the pain is too much to bear) I'd likely sit at home on my couch.
I am so fat and I feel every pound of it and the public scrutiny and I just don't want to go anywhere.
I finally was able to go to church last week- yay!- but the entire time I just felt so... fat. The thought of going anywhere or trying to do anything is overwhelming. I think, in part, it's because this back injury has forced me to carry myself differently, and doing things like standing up require such focus and in doing so I realize how huge my gut is and how in the way of everything it gets. I am acutely aware of just how weak my stomach muscles are (a likely factor in my herniated disk) and how horrible my posture is, which is directly correlated to how heavy I am and the various ways my back is forced to compensate for all of the fat on my ass, arms, and stomach.
Having to lie on the couch so much made me realize that the fat both on the surface and deep within my torso puts a lot of pressure on my lungs when I am horizontal, and just yesterday I realized that all of the fat in my chin coupled with my overly bloated breasts crowds out my esophagus when I am sitting, also making it difficult to breathe. With that, all of this resting means that when I finally do walk (other than church, I've been to the grocery store with Jason twice and to a BBQ with people from our church two weeks ago) my feet are in excruciating pain the next day from having to support 350 pounds.
I actually wish I could exercise, even just to go for a walk around Green Lake or the Zoo, because they're both so close to me. Anything to feel like I am actually doing something about this fat mess that I have created for myself. I can't do that right now, and certainly can't afford a gym membership so I can go swimming (the one thing I might actually be able to try to do), but I can quit eating like a maniac. So yesterday wasn't bad. I probably ate about a 1/2 cup too much potato salad (yay for Fourth of July leftovers) but other than that I ate wise portions of decent food. It's not a lot, but it's a start, and it's better than stuffing four hot pockets in a row down my throat because I feel sorry for myself that I am so effing fat. Yes. I did that. Two nights ago. Shall we move on?
Another epiphany was that I somehow migrated back to wanting to lose weight because of what others think. Part of the reason I haven't posted is that I knew I needed to post pics of my new haircut... but I completely detest the way I look. Not the hair- it's great! But my face... it's so round and there's no definition anywhere because everything is rubbed to pudgy, with chubby cheeks that flow into a single fat mass that should be a jaw, chin, and neck. So, because I hate how I look I avoided posting the pics, which, in turn, compounded my reasons for not updating on here. I don't want people to see how fat I am, and that's why I don't want to go anywhere. When you're out and about, people see you. And when you're 350 pounds in fit and skinny Seattle everyone who sees you stares. For such an "open-minded", liberal, and non-judgmental place people sure seem to form snap judgments about someone like me with a mere glance.
The thing is, next year I want to be in downtown Seattle, watching the show, not worried about people losing their appetite because they see me eating. I want my husband to wrap his arms around an incredibly shrinking wife. Not for the approval of others, but for being able to have peace with myself. That peace can only come when I am obedient to Jesus and no longer caught in my sick sin cycle. The Fourth of July is my favorite holiday, but this year I spent the day in jail, imprisoned by my own body, and that was no one's fault but my own.
These are things I need to remind myself when I go back for that second piece of cake just because my husband had one.
I'm raising my Starbucks cup- of water- to true freedom, one that far surpasses patriotic ideals of democracy and the like. Feel free to join me.
PS Despite how I detest my fat face, I did put up the pics of my new haircut on le Facebooke. You can check 'em out here.
This entry was posted
on Sunday
at Sunday, July 06, 2008
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bad foode habits,
physical ailments
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