Starting Weight: 367(Circa Jan 15, 08)

Starting BMI: 57.5

Week 11: 342.0 (May 14, 08)

Week 11 BMI: 53.2

Pounds Lost This Week: 0

BMI Lost This Week: 0

Total Pounds Lost: 25.0

Total BMI Lost: 4.5

% Weight Lost This Week: 0%

Total % Weight Lost: 6.8%

I know, barfalufagus. So there are some reasons- one, I am crazy PMS-ing. Two, I went to a retreat for most of Friday and Saturday and it was junk foode fest 2008. Now, the good [goode?] news is that I was actually pretty controlled. I did have one extra piece of pizza for dinner Friday night (3 instead of 2) and a small portion of seconds on the sausage eggy casserole dish for breakfast, but this is much better than the 5-6 pizza slices and two heaping portions of casserole (even possibly thirds) I normally would have had. The good news is that I can honestly say I didn't want more, either, which is a good sign because, again, former porkface Tami would have thought about nothing but pizza if she limited herself to 2-3 pieces.

Additionally, I did a decent job with the snacks. I only ate a small portion of something I really wanted, instead of constantly grazing on things I don't even really like. Seriously, this is progress. On the downside, though, I still felt pretty crappy afterward. My body just isn't used to pizza, choco chip cookies (I only had 1 1/2 over two days! AMAZING for me), skittles (ok, I had literally two red ones), and the like.

I do have some updates regarding the last week. It seems that a time of spiritual conviction for me is always followed by the heat to see if I really meant it. And honestly, eating has been ok, but I've definitely seen myself trying to revert back to not having to think. I want to be able to snack while making dinner without the consistent, "Tami, eating that chocolate covered pretzel will be sin!" thoughts nagging at the back of my mind. Though, obviously, that's not REALLY what I want. But it's the constant facing of and battling down the issues that gets tiresome. Does anyone else feel this way? You just get tired. But I can't give in, and I won't give in. I just have to keep battlin' through.

I did have my first actual binge-type eating in quite awhile- Monday. I started out by measuring a serving of pistachios. And then I did my traditional "I get one that's fallen out of it's shell from the bag", which has never been a problem for me, but this time I just kept eating. And eating. And eating. I ate like 300 calories worth... ugh. I knew I needed to stop, and I just couldn't, and I couldn't figure out why. Then I went home and updated my TOM tracking and realized I was totally entering PMS land. I did feel a little bummed about something but I can't really say what yet. Just know that it regards professional, not personal, life. I think I felt a little hopeless and went into self punishment mode. Finally, I just stopped eating, put the bag away, and tried to focus on Jesus. Why do hormones have to make it SO STINKING HARD?

Next, dinner eating is a problem right now. I don't eat enough calories during the day, so I always have like 1,000 left for dinner and I just eat too much at night, which means I feel icky in the morning and don't eat enough calories at breakfast, which leads to not enough calories during the day, and... you get it. I need to plan for this in my weekly shopping budget, and I need to plan dinners that are filling and tasty but also easily split into bigger portions for mi esposa and smaller for me, and in a reasonable caloric range.

Last but not least... exercise has been all but dead. I just can't make myself do it. I haven't done a single lick this week. Part of this is that by the time I get home it's 6; because I like to cook from scratch dinner isn't done until between 7:30-8, and by then I am just done. I watch a show or two with Jason, go to bed, get up at 6:30, and start over. Exercise is just the last thing I want to do. And I know how to fit it in- I could do some weights while watching a show, etc. I just don't. Usually I have at least some desire to do it that outweighs the not wanting to, so hopefully this is related to the devil hormones in my body right now.

So... it's not all uplifting, but it's honest. Now, part of why I haven't written this week is that I am really trying to be more dedicated at work, to work unto God and not men (as in, God always sees me so no wasting time writing blog posts- too many 10 minute breaks have turned into 20 or 30 to type a blog post). With that, we're moving into Seattle (33 days and counting!) from our current suburban locale so there have been a lot of details to work out there when I do have a break. But I am sorry for just leaving you hanging for so long. I kept meaning to post... and then I just didn't. Part of it was the struggles with emotions and food and not wanting to write because, even when I don't want to, I always end up being honest about stuff.

Also, I meant to say this to any well-meaning person hopping on the rewards train (which I totally haven't earned this week, PS)-- I hate to sound picky, but even more than that I hate tea. Any kind. I pretty much only drink water, milk, and the occasion espresso or glass of orange juice. Literally. I should just say it now so it's not awkward later... and anyone who wanted to can send it anyway, I just don't know what would happen to it. Probably regift if it's yummy-looking, I can't lie.

Ok, enough rambling. Feel free to chastise, encourage, rant, rave, whatever. The good news is I still am not giving up, but try as I may I just can't seem to get this to be easy!