So after much thought, I finally have reached some level of revelation as to my issues with eating. There are many things that caused me to turn to food- abuse, loneliness, escapism- but when all is said and done I know Jesus, have for ten years, and I love Him. He died to free me from the chains of sin and death, and food is meant to be a blessing from Him and not an idol I worship in place of Him. I have no excuse to keep loving food and comfort more than Jesus Christ.

If you are a reader of my blog you've known that I have been wrestling with why I don't love Jesus as #1 when I continually go back to comfort- food and laziness. Two things have really shed light on why I am continually struggling.

First, one of my pastor's, Mark Driscoll, said something really striking on Sunday during his sermon at church. The irony is that it was something that probably just jumped right past most people because it's not an uncommon theme in Christianity, but it hit me right in the gut. I honestly can't even remember what he said directly before or directly after because I was stuck for a moment, ruminating on the truth that I have known for years, yet never truly known. What he said was this:

"Repent of your sin, receive forgiveness from Jesus Christ, and..."

Like I said, I can't remember what came next. I'll have to get the sermon on iTunes later and listen to it again, since it was a really good one (they all are). But I honestly feel that God audibly said to me, "You have not received forgiveness, Tami". I've repented, or turned from the sin, and made the choice to desire Jesus as my first and foremost love, but I've refused His forgiveness.

When I shared this with my husband, he very simply stated, "You can't receive Jesus' forgiveness because you won't forgive yourself." And he was right. Normally I avoid that whole "love yourself so you can love others" mantra, because the entire reason I tend to hurt others and sin against them is because I love myself more than anyone else. That's called human nature. I could get on a rant about "self-esteem" here, but I won't because it will detract from the beauty of what Christ is doing in me. But the fact is, in this situation, I am angry with myself for not dealing with my problems and hiding in food (more on that in point numero deux... yeah, I mix languages. You like it.) and I feel like forgiving myself is letting me off the hook too easily, so instead I punish myself with more food and less exercise the second I feel even remotely down about anything.

Since I refuse to forgive myself, I won't receive Jesus' forgiveness. A key word here is receive- He has forgiven me. He hung on the cross, seeing me stuff my face to avoid hurt even as He stood next to me with a bloody and broken body to free me from the chains. He endured the darkness of separation from God while seeing my most shameful moments of rejecting Him. He died AS me and in turn it was as if He Himself committed my sins... and He forgave me, taking the penalty to restore my relationship with God. He made me righteous by His righteousness. I know this, and I do love Jesus. He has changed me and made my life meaningful just for knowing Him. My eyes tear up as I write these words, because He's not just the happy guy in the sky- He's my Avenger, my Disciplinarian, my true Soulmate, the Lover of my soul, my Best Friend, my Daddy, everything. I adore my husband, but he will never for a second compare to Jesus, and I love him even more because he would never want to. So I have been forgiven. Ten years ago- nearly to the day, being that it was in May of 1998- my eyes were opened and I received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.

But with all of that said, in this particular area of eating/laziness/comfort/etc I have tried to repent without actually receiving the forgiveness of Jesus Christ. I am raw as I write this, because I still haven't done it yet. I hate it when people talk about their struggles, but only in the past tense- "I used to really struggle with anger, but then Jesus changed me and I'm great now"... only "used to" was last week. Drives me crazy. My desire is to be real in the moment, as I am learning, so that when Christ has the victory it's genuine and authentic to those involved in my life because they see my humanity and not just how "good" I am because I "used to" struggle. And in this area, I haven't received forgiveness. I'm not even sure I know how.

I wish a simple prayer would be it, but I know I have to continue praying, seeking God's word, and really letting Him dig deep in me to get to the root of this issue and yank it out. If I tried the pat answer it would be like a dentist removing a rotten molar but leaving parts of the root impacted into the jaw- eventually it will heal over on top but eventually it would swell and look disgusting, likely rotting into the jaw and causing far worse problems than the original toothache.

So that's the first part... secondly, we are doing a[n amazing] study in our community group called How People Change. At first I was unimpressed, but it's incredible- learning to really live out a life of intimacy with Jesus so that it affects every part of you. One thing touched on this week is how people deal with the heat in their life. Heat can be from God, from our sin, simply from circumstances, but it's the stuff that makes life messy and the heart is to explore how we respond to it. There were different ways- blame, anger, becoming a victim (whiner), etc- but the one that hit home for me is escapism.

I don't deal with things. I've shared with people the torrid details of parts of my tragic childhood and I think what disturbs them the most is not even what happened to me, but the detached, unaffected way in which I talk about it. It's like I am talking about someone else, or a sad movie I saw once. Only, in reality, if I were talking about someone else- or even a movie- I'd likely be far more involved emotionally in what happened. I mentioned this once before but I didn't make the connection that food/comfort is an escape for me. I can think I have faced everything in my life, but in reality I lived it once and don't want to live it again. I learned from a very young age that no one was going to help me but me, and I found love and acceptance in food. I hid there. I didn't feel so poor when I could eat as much as I wanted, and on some deep, instinctual level I wouldn't feel attractive if I kept eating because eventually I'd quit being attractive.

To this day I absolutely cannot believe that a man would find me attractive. My husband mentions having to punch people out for looking at me and I always think he's high on something because no man would find me attractive. And you see, I want to be beautiful. I want women and men to see a picture of me and think, "Wow, she's gorgeous". But I do not want to be sexually attractive. Understand- the average man who undresses women with his eyes is a pervert and needs to repent and surrender to Jesus and put all of that sexual energy into his wife, and if he doesn't have one he needs to get one. Some people disagree, but I will never apologize for having that stance. That said, my sexuality and the way I viewed sexuality in men was so tainted from childhood- having been sexually abused by 5 different men, including my father and other men I was supposed to be able to trust to love, care for, and protect me- that I feared being found sexually attractive.

Not only has food helped me avoid being (or at least feeling) sexually attractive, but it has satisfied desires as well. Face it- food is good. It's pleasurable and desirable and all around good. And when you eat without boundaries you can get carried away by the pleasure of it and not have to think or feel anything else but the goodness of the food. Same with laziness- exercise honestly does feel good when you do it long enough to get the rewards (endorphins, satisfaction with meeting goals you've set, etc) but it also really sucks. It can be painful, it's exhausting, and it's hard. Getting lost in Facebook, the Sims2, SATC reruns, a great show (LOST, Dexter, The Office, etc) is easier, and, again, it feels good. I can escape with very little required of me- emotionally, physically, spiritually- and just numb myself to everything. This started due to painful events as a child but I find myself doing it now just because I don't want to clean the kitchen.

So... lack of receiving Jesus' forgiveness and escape. That's a lot of junk built up to protect myself and digging through it takes time, energy, and emotional investment. But I am grateful that, at this time, the Lord has chosen to begin the process of digging in and changing me. I am incredibly blessed by being part of a church that will never settle for less than real change in my heart, so that Jesus is my only God. I want to be different, I want to be complete, and I want to love Jesus with my whole heart and not merely the sections I've partitioned into "here's what you can have, Jesus" while guarding those I refuse to surrender with food and escape. The process is only beginning, but I know I am changing and the pounds are coming off as further reminders that not only do I not have to stay the chained up 367 pound slave to sin, but that I am already no longer her.

I won't be perfect tomorrow, but it sure feels good to be different today.