I've decided I'm over it, re: the enumerated titles in the posts.  I'm still one who loves to put song lyrics as titles, just not in this one because I'm too tired to think of one.

I have something to say, but I'm really tired so hopefully it's not all rusty.  It's about babies :)

So I went through a really rough phase, just wishing I could have a baby and struggling with bitterness and envy and jealousy and just about everything evil you can think of.  I've written about it before, so feel free to go read the post .

I've been thinking about it a lot and a few weeks ago I realized that I'm so grateful that I don't have a baby yet.  For one, our apartment is perfect for just the two of us but cramming in a crib would just be nigh impossible.  If we rented a bigger place it would cost more and then that would just be that much longer until we can buy a house.  I'm not sure if I wrote about it, but on my birthday (almost exactly two weeks ago, actually... only 50 weeks until my birthday!) Jas came to work with me and we went for a long walk with the Brodster, and we ended up talking about houses.  We pointed out the ones we liked, the styles that we loved (craftsman!) and the styles we hated (anything from the 80's), the houses that would likely be our starter house type and the ones we want to turn our first house into.  It was amazing to be walking with my husband, him pushing a stroller, in a residential neighborhood and dreaming about our future.

I have really thought about the fact that having a baby isn't about the baby- it's about raising a person.  My responsibility as a parent, God-willing that I become one, is about so much more than the sweet first few months.  I owe it to my God, my husband, my children, and myself to be physically and financially healthy.  It would be cruel to get pregnant when we are in such a difficult financial situation, and when I don't have the energy or physical capability to be an active and enjoyable mom.  I want to have my husband in a good job that allows me to stay home and raise our babies to love Jesus and not to have to work, or to have my husband working 2 or 3 lame jobs that never allow him to be home with our family.  We refuse to rely on the government to raise our family unless it's for a real reason like Jason gets physically dismembered.  Beyond that, Jason would work as many jobs as necessary to support us... and it would suck.  But if we're patient, and allow Jason's career to grow, pay off debt, save for a house, and I keep working hard to lose weight,  then I believe we could have a much better life.

Crap.  I'm so tired that I ended the last sentence with "better".  That's no good.  Anyway, I have had a realization that it's good to be patient, and if we work hard and do reach our goals then it will be so much more wonderful than to constantly struggle and wish we had waited.  Now, if we're being wise and careful and God chooses to allow us to become pregnant then that would be a wonderful thing and I would trust God with every step He leads us to take.  Intentionally getting pregnant now, though, would be utterly irresponsible.  So I feel much better about that, and am so grateful that my job is to play with an amazing baby all day and to just love him.  The Lord sure is good that way.

Ok, I am too tired to exist anymore.  I must go to bed.