[Changes, Tupac]

An e-mail I received today:

post on your blog. now. anything.

Ouch.

She's totally right.  I know I haven't been making blogging a priority.  I want to give a deep introspective reason why... the answer isn't so deep, just simply that lately I feel down about this battle and I don't write.

So here you have it- overall, I'm doing ok.  I've been going back to water aerobics (I will confess that I missed Friday because I honestly totally forgot and then yesterday I unintentionally overslept) and eating has been going really well.  Plus, I've taken Brody for a walk 3 working days in a row now... today, though, I walked for 30+ minutes and I pushed myself too much and my back is killing me.

That's the transition- I feel like my body is just falling apart.  My back aches, my ankles hurt, my feet scream, my neck and shoulders are incessantly tense, I have a headache almost every day... I love my job, and I am blessed to care for an amazingly happy and fun baby, yet I don't have the energy to chase him around and find that often I have to create games to play with him that include me sitting on the ground with him.  Overall, I just feel ick... because my body is meant to be carrying about 200 fewer pounds.  I would be OVERjoyed to weigh in the 160's.  But I digress.

Here's the deal- I'm trying.  I'm not perfect, but I'm really trying to lose weight.  I eat nothing like I did even 6 months ago... in a good way, as in I eat much less and way healthier.  I am building some consistency into my life as far as getting moving.  The weight is not coming off.  I ache more and more and feel worse and worse.  I'm not trying to whine or complain, I'm just struggling to keep a good attitude and not feel frustrated and... ok, I started to type this without thinking, but... weighed down.

The more I think about this, the more grateful I am that the LAP band, or possibly another form of weight loss surgery, is an option.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to have that boost, to get weight off quickly and start to exercise more and more and not have such struggles with my failing body.  I'm still planning to do more research and pray, to make sure this is a wise decision, but just having the option is totally awesome.

So the plan is this: I don't have to have a referral; I simply have to have proof that a doctor supervised me and led me in a plan to try and lose weight for 6 months.  So I have an appointment set for November 3 at a different medical facility than the one I have been going to for the last 4 months (more on that in a minute), to start the 6 month program.  Then, on November 12 there is an information seminar at the hospital we are looking into for the actual procedure.  I'm glad that some things are taking shape and I'm just so looking forward to the boost, even the 6 mos of medical supervision.  Maybe there is a missing piece or something.  To only have to pay $10 copays for my actual office visits, and not another penny out of pocket for the entire procedure (save for maybe a prescription copay if I do end up on a weight loss drug) is simply amazing.

Mini-rant: so I have had some frustrating experiences with doctors.  First, I had a doctor who, upon my first visit (about migraines) put a brochure about weight loss surgery in my hands within 5 minutes, I kid you not.  Then, when we moved to Seattle, I sat with a doctor and explained my struggles to get weight off, that I was exercising as much as I could with my back injury and really focusing on my eating and he was just like, "You really need to just eat less and exercise more".  He said this repeatedly, upon multiple appointments, as did a colleague of his when he was out.  Jason was so upset at how the doctor ignored everything I said, after going to one of my appointments, that he told me I was not ever going back to that doctor again.  Especially because an MRI showed how serious my back injury was, and I was in excruciating pain, and could barely move, and he just kept subtly calling me fat and lazy for not working out at the gym... when I could barely stand up.  Grrr... I'm really hoping my new doctor will be one who actually listens to me and works with me and doesn't just look at me and decide that I'm inherently lazy and a disgusting eater because of my size.  So that's my rant.

Back to good things:

I'm taking things one day at a time, but I won't pretend I don't sometimes fantasize (envision?) what it will be like to walk around Green Lake and go to pumpkin patches with friends in the fall, not be ashamed to be seen eating at a restaurant (even if it's healthy / smart food), having even more amazing sex with my husband, etc.  Not to mention buying new clothes that are bona fide cute clothes and not just trying to make fat people look less homely.  The possibility of this surgery brings tangible hope whereas before thoughts like this were just fantasy.

One final thing- I have to be honest and admit that I struggle a little bit with the fact that if I do lose a huge amount of weight it's a little bittersweet that it will likely be a result of WLS (weight loss surgery).  I think there's still an attitude in this country that it's a cop out, that it's not as meaningful as someone who loses weight without WLS.  I watch The Biggest Loser (actually, I'm watching it right now) and see these people working hard and changing their lives without WLS and I feel a little crappy.  That said... I would rather lose 200 pounds with WLS and get over what people think about my methods than to keep pounding my head against the ground with traditional diet and exercise and remain 360 pounds.

So that's me.  That's the update.  I'll keep you all up to date and quit this junk where I only write once every other week.  It's bunk, and I know it.

Thanks to M, my awesome friend who kicked my tail into gear.