Starting Weight: 367(Circa Jan 15, 08)

Starting BMI: 57.5

Week 12: 346.8 (May 21, 08)

Week 12 BMI: 54.3

Pounds Lost This Week: +4.8

BMI Lost This Week: +1.1

Total Pounds Lost: 21.2

Total BMI Lost: 3.4

% Weight Lost This Week: +1.4%

Total % Weight Lost: 5.8%

I feel a mixture of things.

In part, a nonchalant, "Well, there you have it" emotion ebbs and flows. A teensy bit of shame flits in and out of my conscience. A sense of justice, as in "Hello, my name is Consequences. Whaddup?" is standing firmly, arms crossed, staring me down. Finally, every now and again Little Miss "This WILL NOT STAND!" tries to make herself known, though her legs are far too weak to actually stand on and her screaming voice has fewer decibels than does the sound an inchworm makes on the pavement in the rain.

The thing is, I didn't count calories and I didn't exercise- ever- all last week. Add to that the fact that the TOM hit yesterday (the "average" woman gains 1-5 pounds during this lovely "period" of time) so really I just have to keep on keepin' on. I'm just frustrated spiritually- and emotionally- this week- Jesus is stirring everything up all at once and instead of finding it joyous I find it annoying and wish He'd just leave me alone. When that thought hits me square in the face it scares me, because I've seen people who have been allowed to pursue their own wicked desires (read Romans 1) and it's haunting. I don't REALLY want that. But it's not easy to see yourself, even in just a glimpse, for just how utterly pathetic and vile you really are when Jesus is the plumb line. To boot, the Lord isn't just revealing how sinful I am- He's testing and challenging me to overcome it and my initial response in each occurrence all week has been to kick and scream internally like a 4 year old at 6pm at the amusement park with no nap who just dropped their ice cream cone in the dirt and then their younger brother smeared it all over his just-changed shorts which made the parents extraordinarily happy with life, and the 4 year old accidentally let go of their helium balloon in the process and then their older sister got the stuffed panda while they were stuck with the stuffed cat when their dad won prizes at the shoot-stuff booth.

I hate cats.

You may wonder what my point is; fair enough. It's this: I have to choose obedience even though I absolutely don't want to and everything in me wants to run and hide in TV / internet / whatever and stuff my fat face with lots of food that will make me miserable, and mostly I just want to feel downright sorry for myself so that I can justify sinful behavior. It's a really great and mature Christian reaction to Jesus working in me, no?

It ain't pretty, but it's honest. So far I am doing ok regarding le foode- yesterday at lunch I was really miserable and had chili for lunch- not bad, being that it was a treat for one day this week, at 460 cal, and I was planning to use it on a rev-the-metabolism with more calories kind of day. But then, like a lustful man who looks a second too long at the high school girl in a bikini washing cars in the hot sun, I didn't tear my eyes away from the vending machine and thought that Doritos would add a nice texture to my chili suddenly became the most wonderful idea ever. Then I found an unwanted package of ranch from some random coworker's fast food salad in the freebie part of the fridge. Then I realized that, to be REALLY good, the chili should have another bag of Doritos. And I deserved it because I was miserable. So I ate the whole thing- 1,060 calories worth. And it didn't even taste that good. The only upside is I was 400 calories under on Monday so going 100 over yesterday still left me at a net loss for the week so far... but still. I know better. It's ridiculous.

All told, that's been my only real "If I eat this it's sin" moment this week. I logged 4,300 steps yesterday (Tuesday is my "off" day, so not bad) and plan to strength train tonight. I wish this funk of spiritual turmoil would clear, though. Usually I get excited when Jesus starts cleaning house in me. I'm not big into spiritual oppression ala "big bad Satan just won't leave me alone" but I wonder if some of this is from him... just the accusation after accusation part, where I am unworthy of Christ's redemption. Jason and I are starting to see and realize some of what God has for us regarding ministry and leadership and it's clear that the stakes are rising regarding how we live our lives and who we live them for. So it's not entirely unlikely that as Jesus makes life feel messy in the process of cleaning Satan is standing my whipping the trash right back in my face. Renders me ineffective and that's how he likes it.

I know this is kind of ramble-y, and it's about Jesus so my readership will likely drop another 20%, as it traditionally does when I start talking about Jesus... I should likely employ my pastor's method and start talking about sex a bunch so I can boost readership ;) ... but at the end of the day I just have to keep being real. This will be more meaningful to look back on, both for me and possibly others, if I am real, even if it's just to breathe a sigh of relief that I'm not quite as much of a loser as I used to be.

There's always hope, right?

Also, I need to just bust out of these dang 340's. I've been here far too long and it's time to give them a nice view of my ample backside as I waddle farther and farther away.