Lest any of you think that last week's amazing 5 pound weight loss has changed me... tonight was an utter abomination.
What do a 1,500 calorie homemade pizza, a piece of Kahlua cream pie, and a tall glass of cold milk have in common? I don't even have to be cute- I ate all of it. And then my distended stomach sent me running for the bathroom and... well, it's empty now.
I don't have any good excuse. What started as an innocent treat of a carefully calculated homemade pizza turned into a beast of meats mushrooms on top of goat cheese hill, the knob at the top of mozzarella mountain. The worst part is that I bought the pie knowing my resolve was weak and I would likely eat far too much pizza. It's just too hard for me to control. I'm not to the point where I can eat certain things in moderation. I can moderate peanut butter, but pizza is out of the question, or at least it was tonight. Last week, actually, Jas and I pizzas on lavash bread with measured serving portions and I was fine and it was under 400 calories.
Frick.
Once again, I wasn't sad. I wasn't bored. I wasn't feeling empty. I literally just lusted after food and I porked out on it. Just last night my husband pointed out that my stomach has shrunk an incredible amount, because I am completely full on about 1/10 of the food it used to take. I'm actually not even stretching that number. I used to just eat a big bowl of something, feel nothing, and then eat another big bowl. Only then would I feel remotely full. Now, about 1 1/2 cups of food fills me up and I don't want another bite. So you can imagine what about 8 cups of pizza, pie, and milk did to my poor stomach.
What makes me most frustrated with myself is that not once did I even have the presence of mind to even attempt to go to Jesus. I just saw my lust, hoisted up the idol, and threw myself down in worship.
Worst of all, I haven't worked out a bit since Saturday. Ugh.
I'm not defeated, by any means, but I cannot let my guard down. The second I do I find myself one the doorstep of the house I have been running so far from.
Not surprisingly enough, I am still a sinner and Jesus is still so much bigger than my sin. Though I don't feel that I deserve forgiveness, Christ has already done so and I repent. Jesus must have victory- first in my sinful heart, and then in this overall battle. He has already had victory, and He will have more. Tonight was the last full pizza I will ever eat.
Tomorrow is a new day. Tonight was dark, but the sun will rise in the morning. Me thinks I will end on a positive note.
Go download the single of the week on iTunes- Tristan Prettymans' Madly is incredible. And... I have to heartily recommend the following studio versions of David Cook AI performances:
Eleanor Rigby
Innocent (I know his live performance was lackluster, but the recording is incredible; my title for this post is actually a line from that song)
Always Be My Baby (I have no idea how he turned such a cheesy pop song into such a timeless masterpiece, but major kudos)
Finally, tomorrow I MUST do a Fit Tips Friday to get this arse back in GEAR! See ya then.
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at Thursday, April 17, 2008
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