Well, hallelujah for reboots. Yesterday was SO much better. I won't lie- I didn't log my calories. I have to catch up on that today. But I did eat with control and I was careful.

Kei (was that my trainer's fake name? I can't even remember... whoops) worked me out so hard last night. A lot of that is that I am just still so heavy that things that normal people would do are just so much more work for me. For example, stabilizing on a bench and then working my triceps by extending my arm back and letting gravity work with the dumbbell to create resistance made me sweat so much that by the end of the second set of twelve a drop of sweat actually fell from my forehead onto the bench. It was dime-sized, people! That's a lot of sweat.

I also did some ab/core exercises on a ball- that was great because I thought I couldn't do them, but he showed me how and suddenly I am a person who can work out her abs on a ball. I also worked on the bench, doing a bench press by alternating arms and pumping dumbbells into the air. I think the biggest thing Kei is teaching me is to do things slowly, to control the movement, to hold at the end and really feel the muscles work, and to create resistance with my muscles on the "easy" end of the movement. For example, when doing a chest press, to not just quickly drop my arms on the way down, but to flex the muscles such that it's like someone is pushing my arms down and I am trying to resist the pressure. I hope that makes sense.

Lastly, we used our first machine- normally Kei isn't a machine guy. He's big on teaching me exercises I can do at home, without even having to buy anything as much as possible. He's also all about functional movement- work muscles to train them for everyday life, such as doing squats as if I'm bending down at the knees to pick up a laundry basket, etc. Anyway, we did use a machine. I can't explain it in writing very well, at least not succinctly, but I'll give you an idea of what it is. I stood up on a platform, and then there's this padded piece about the size of your normal round container for oats. It is at the end of an arm which is connected to weights. So what I did was stand to one side of the platform, and put the padded part in the crook of my knee (aka the back) and then I did a full range of motion by bringing my knee up toward my chest and then extending it back all the way, such that my entire leg was extended out behind me, while lifting the padded piece (and thus lifting the weights). The focus was on really working my gluts (ie butt muscles)- and man, did it! Oy vey.

I'm sharing this not because I think you're all dying to know which muscles I worked last night, but because I am working at building up exercising as something that I actually get excited about. I really need to share my exercises, at least for a little while, to build excitement about it. I was honest with Kei last night about the last two weeks just being lame, and me not really being on the ball with things, not working out and not being straight up with food. I also shared about just never wanting to work out, and reaching the point where I quit making myself. And my "master trainer", pretty much the trainer in my gym that everyone respects, who is totally fit and buff and makes every exercise look oh-so-simple (even when it usually ends with me huffing and puffing after 5 reps, or with me falling over because I just can't balance myself that way yet), looked at me and said, without guile, "I don't ever want to work out."

This is amazing to me, because people keep telling me that I'm going to start to love working out, that I'll really look forward to it and blah blah blah. And I won't lie- often, after a workout, I love the way I feel. But never yet have I enjoyed that feeling enough to make me want to workout in order to get it. I also have yet to find an exercise activity that I just love, that will not feel like working out. I enjoy DDR, but I still know I am doing it to get exercise and not for mere fun. Same with Wii Sports, or pretty much everything. Exercise will simply never sound as enticing as wearing a sweatshirt and my underwear, cozied up under blankets on my couch, and putting on an rerun of Sex and the City. At least, I can't foresee it now.

But... the rub is that no matter how un-desirable it sounds, I have to make myself work out. I have to get off my naturally lazy ass (I'm sorry, but I just love that word, in moderation) and get it moving and take care of myself. This is as much of a battle as the food addiction. I think I have a lazy addiction as well (ok, so my tongue is totally in my cheek on that one). Seriously, though, if I were fabulously wealthy and could do whatever I wanted, I would revert to a life of staying up all night, watching DVR'd episodes of 55 different TV shows, while messing around on Facebook, reading People.com, researching the things I want to buy whether I plan on actually purchasing them or not, and then I'd sleep from 5 am to 5 pm and start all over the next "day". That is seriously how I would live my life.

Isn't that embarrassing? I mean, don't you feel a little embarrassed for me that my most basic desires are to live that way? Yikes. I'd probably eat pizzas for breakfast, hamburgers for lunch, ice cream cakes for dinner, and "snack" on an entire lasagna. And then I'd die of a coronary blockage at 32, weighing 500 pounds. Yippee! That would be a life worth commemorating, no? I pity the person tasked with writing my eulogy. It couldn't be my husband, because A) he'd just sob and B) he'd likely write wonderful things about me that would sound so good but just wouldn't jive with who I had been, because that man has a knack for seeing me as the most amazing woman in the world even when I just farted on his pillow. Ok, maybe not then. But pretty much all the rest of the time.

I meant to keep this entry shorter and sweeter, but I just have to be real- I don't like exercise. I've embraced 20 some years of eating whatever I want, with no control, and to boot I would rather watch TV than almost anything else. So, my reboot includes some rules. I hate getting all "rule-y" because then I go overboard and nutso with them. Hello, I didn't watch anything above PG for like 3 years in college, and even then I turned off Mulan because it referred to ancestor worship... because watching a cartoon with a talking cricket was so likely to send my 21-year-old self straight to the forest to build an altar to my hallowed great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather from Canterbury, England who gave a one-finger salute to the king and went to live in Scotland in protest. Yes, yes that is worthy of dropping my notion of Jesus as Lord and changing my entire belief system!

Rules. I either live with zero or I become so focused on them that I forget why I even have them. But the time has come to create some. Here they are, for your reading pleasure.

For one, I have got to get serious about sugar. As in not eating it. One trick is to look at the ingredients of something, and if sugar is in the top 5, yo no can eat-o. My deal will be that I can have one serving per day of something with sugar in the top 5, but only if I am really wanting sugar.

The next rule is that on weeknights I can only have the TV on between 7 and 10 pm. This means that even if I get home at 9:30, the TV goes off at ten. The exception is Tuesday nights this week and next, because I'm pretty sure next week is the season finale of The Biggest Loser, and also I simply can't not watch American Idol. Yes, I know double-negatives aren't proper. Bite me.

I am not sure what my rule will be for Saturdays, but it will likely be that the TV can't come on until I have worked out, got laundry going, the kitchen is clean, and the living room is tidied up. The exception will be that if I get up and work out, then I can watch Jamie at Home while eating my beloved Saturday morning treat of a piece of dry toast with two runny-yolked eggs on top (no, not just sunny-side-up... I have my own way of making them that's so lovely!). And Jamie Oliver is my secret lover, only it's not romantic. Yeah, figure that one out.

Also, I get one totally workout free day per week. Once I've used it, I have to work out every other day. I have to do planks and bridges (aka core strengtheners) EVERY day, whether I feel like it or not. I have to do at least 20 minutes, preferably 30, of high-intensity cardio at least 3 times a week, with another day or two of some sort of cardio, though it doesn't have to be as grueling. I have to strength train at least four days a week, even when I really, really just want to sit on the couch and watch TV.

These are just some examples, but they're the most basic ones. I know I won't want to continually impose that discipline on myself, but I have to. Part of less TV will include reading more of the amazing plethora of books that my husband and I have in our library. This will immensely support my spiritual life, because TV is not inherently evil, but when my life revolves around "my shows" (or food, or anything) and not Jesus, as it has in recent months, that's called idolatry. This is also known as sin. I find that when one area of my life gets messy, suddenly I'm dropping the ball in every area. Thus, the no exercise, extreme laziness, not eating like I should be, grouchy to my husband, the apartment's a mess, I complain about everything... imposing some self-discipline will really help me get on point.

No more excuses- this reboot is the real deal. I need to start losing weight like I mean it, and not like I might give it a shot but then give up when I don't lose 15 pounds a week. The rules will help. I need to remember how good it will feel to post the "after" picture where I'm so happy that I couldn't stop smiling if I tried. I saw one yesterday with a woman who was like 415 pounds and now she's 220 and she looked AMAZING. I wish I could find the blog, but I can't find it quickly. If I find it then I'll try to post it later. Anyway, I know so many of you are rooting for me to post that picture where I'm wearing size 12 jeans and you can see the bone structure of my face. I hope my boobs are still amazing then... is it awful that my biggest fear is having saggy stretched out boobs? Meh. I digress.

So... another crazy long post. But it's refreshing, for me at least, to be this honest and to be real about my struggles. Plus, then you can ask me how I did with the TV thing, or if my kitchen was actually clean before I went to bed, etc. And maybe someone else will be inspired to also jump-start their life, too. But enough with the philosophical musings. For now, I need to get to work... I suppose that should be a rule... not taking 45 minutes to do a blog post with 2 minute infusions of actual work. I'm not there yet. :)