Yesterday wasn't a great eating day.

It wasn't horrible- I still came in right around 2,000, and I aim for 1,800. But I knew I was making bad choices. Twice- TWICE!- I went and got a snack from the vending machine at work. I have worked there for 4 1/2 months, and I have never bought a single item from the vending machine that I can actually remember. I have a nagging feeling that once I bought something, but I can't remember if I really did or not. There has been a folded up dollar bill in my desk for months, and yesterday I chose to eat some Cheez-Its and some random shortbread raspberry cookie deals. So stupid!

I was feeling pretty down. I felt sorry for myself because Jas and I are going through the awkwardness of making friends as a couple when we don't know anyone here, and the people we do know have been friends forever so we feel like the new kids who are second class when it comes to hanging out. Mainly, that means that we don't really get invited anywhere by anyone unless it's a whole group invite. To be fair, everyone's really busy and I doubt that they don't like us, but then I feel all insecure like no one likes me. I haven't felt that way in a really long time, save for sometimes in TFA, but then in TFA I wasn't always very likeable, what with my sometimes standoff-ish attitude about things like drinking and such.

To top it all off, this morning I was messing around on Facebook and found these (depressing) results on this thing called compare people (for those who don't know it, basically it's this Facebook app where two random friends will come up, and there will be a basis for comparison, like "who has a better smile", or "most likely to skip class", so you pick one and then people can see what others have anonymously been saying about them). These make me feel pretty terrible, but I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve anyway, so you can join in my misery. This is every area where I rank horribly low among my friends, according to the application:

Category - wins/losses

Prettier - 0/6
Would rather sleep with - 0/8 (not that I actually want that... but still... ouch.)
Rather kiss - 0/6
Rather date - 0/8
A Better Body - 0/12
Rather marry - 0/9
More Attractive - 0/11
Hotter - 0/9
Cuter - 1/9
Better Hair - 0/6 (ok, seriously... I'm fat, but is my hair that bad?)
Prettier Eyes - 2/8 (Again... fat, but my eyes are nice, I thought)
A Better Smile - 2/7
More Fashionable - 0/3 (ok, yeah, that one is true)
Would Rather Live With - 0/5
More Trustworthy - 0/3
More Likely To Do A Favor For Me - 1/7
Kinder - 1/5
Rather Hang Out For A Day - 1/7

I felt like a really horrible person when I read those. It's hard to get this idea of who I am, and then suddenly to read what other people think. I feel like of slapped in the face when I read them again.

It begs the question... am I really a horrible person and friend? I mean, the body and physical stuff makes sense, because I'm a 350 pound woman and no man finds that sexy, save for freaks and by some miracle my husband. But being seen as unkind, unwilling to help someone out, and not someone people would want to hang out with... that really hurts. I only won 4 out of 6 for better singer-- that's the one thing I know I am talented at doing!

Earlier today, feeling down about not really having close friends locally, and then reading those comparison stats, I found myself in a weird position. Normally, I would shove food in my face for comfort. Food won't tell me I have grotesque hair and eyes and am downright fugly. Food won't call me unkind and selfish and a generally horrible human being. I could hide in food, living for the pleasure wrought on my taste buds, allowing my wounded soul to be comforted in direct proportion to calorie consumption.

The weirdest thing happened... I wasn't even tempted to eat. Instead, I worked out. Hard. I played DDR for an hour and a half, sweating out the ugliness threatening to blacken my heart.

When I finished I felt a hell of a lot better. Better enough, in fact, to share it on here, and to realize the rankings toward the top of the list. This, then, is where I rank highly among my friends:

Category - wins/losses

Better Friend - 4/1
Happer Person - 4/0
Funnier - 5/0
A Better Sense of Humor - 6/1
Harder Worker - 6/0
More Entertaining - 4/0
Smarter - 5/0
More Outgoing - 5/3
Cooler - 5/5 (Not so bad)
A Better Laugh - 4/2
Better Public Speaker - 3/1 (this one's just funny... I can't remember the last time I spoke publicly!)
Crazier - 3/2 (That's just frickin' awesome)
Better Listener - 2/1

That's really not so bad. Friends think I am funny, smart, a hard worker, a good friend, and a happy person. I have to believe that the negative ones regarding my character were from the people on Facebook that I hardly know (like people from high school who don't know how much I've changed since then, or college people who were acquaintances but not actual friends).

And, making my day even more, I hopped onto our desktop for the first time in a few days, and found two sweet messages from friends who read this blog. They were both really encouraging, and completely loving.

Which brings up one last point- to those of you who read this and leave comments, and who are just encouraging me to continue to fight this good fight, thank you. My deepest desire is that I won't just get fit, but that my heart will grow as well. This will be a bumpy road, and I am certain that there will be many a hard time around corners I can't see yet, but I'm grateful that you're choosing to come with me. Whether you are one of my closest friends or just someone I've chatted with a few times, thank you for your support.

I won't give up.