So here's the deal-- one of my messed up identity issues in my life for a very long time (most of high school and all of college and TFA) has been wanting to be thought of as the girl with an amazing voice.  Like, I know I don't compare to Celine or Mariah or even Pink, but to be one of the best singers a person has actually met and knows in person has truly been an ambition of mine.  I pretend I don't care, that I'm just cool with who I am and if people like my voice, then, you know, nice bonus, but it's no biggie.

Yah, right.

So here's the deal- one of my secret habits is to get on the webcam and record myself singing when I'm bored.  My poor husband woke up at 10:30 last night (Tuesday night, though today is now technically Thursday but I don't care!), worked for 17 hours straight, and he has a really nasty cold and has been coughing up bloody phlegm.  Ick, I know.  Needless to say, he took a nap after dinner for a few hours, and until I woke him up at 11:30 I was massively bored.  I could have replied to some e-mails (sorry, Kels) but instead I messed around with the webcam.

I started singing I'm Not Alright by Sanctus Real (click the link to the music video for the song... you'll see, they are much better than I was!  Great song!!  Hard to sing though!), and I have always loved that song, but suddenly the lyrics just overwhelmed me and I was like, "I'm going to go post a vlog about how this song is so profound to my circumstances and general overall life."  Then I had a stroke of stupidity / genius (take your pic)-- I shoud SING the song in the vlog.

So... I did.  I talk about how singing makes me nervous, yada yada yada, and while earlier I recorded a take of the song where I didn't sound half bad (objectively, it is a very difficult song to sing!) suddenly I was an octave higher and a little shaky and pushing the notes harder and to be honest, it doesn't sound great.

But you know what?  I don't care.  So what if I don't have the greatest singing voice ever?  Who cares?  And even if I can sing better than this video shows, big whoop!  I'm figuring out how to be truly comfortable in my own skin, to embrace the talents God has given me as they are, and to have my identity be in Christ and not some tangental part of my being.

Now, before I embed the vlog, I have to say that I was feeling brave but then I showed it to Jason (he was awake for all of like 25 minutes before passing back out, and I'm not sure how I'm going to coerce him to leave the couch and go back to our bed!  Seriously, he's one sleepy dude.) and the whole time I was cringing and kept saying things like, "Oh man, I suck.  That sounds terrible!  Eek!  Listen!  I sound like I'm just yelling!  Oh man, this is terrible.  I should delete.  Do you think I should take it down?  I'm nuts.  Oh man, what will people think?"

Real ballsy, Tam.  Pshaw.

Wonderful Jason said, simply, "Tami, stop it.  Your voice is beautiful.  You are beautiful."  I kind of melted then and decided to get over myself and just share it with you all.  (As an aside, he also said, "If you're so nervous then why'd you do it?  Sheesh."  but you know, that's kind of the point)

So, I'm getting over myself and sharing this latest (maybe not so much) greatest vlog with you.  There are some funny moments, and to be honest I kind of crack myself up. Seriously, nothing in this vlog was planned, other than I knew I'd sing part of the song.  That was it.  Not that that excuses the horrible screeching parts, but, you know, i'z all good.  I'm honestly not looking for anything here, not too worried about impressing (or depressing, as the case may be!) you.  I'm just taking another step toward getting over myself, that whole being real bit.

Love ya all, happy 2009, and, for the love, have a little mercy on me.  Kidding- I hope you enjoy my "balls" ;)