... His Law Is Love
    And His Gospel Is Peace

[O Holy Night]

I am so broken right now.  In such a good way, but broken nonetheless.

My last post , from two days ago, spoke a lot about what it means to actually live for Jesus.  He seems to think that it's a good idea to keep on pressing this issue into me, and I agree.

This week's sermon at church was AMAZING.  It was about what it means to be generous, to worship Jesus as number one and to recognize that all life is found in Him and that everything I have is from Him.  Generosity is not about numbers of dollars given or hours of service logged.  Generosity is about having a proper worship identity- Jesus is God, and He is love perfected and personified- and thus having a heart that serves based on this life-changing perspective.

My conviction came as Pastor Mark was speaking about giving, because last night I sat at the computer trying to manufacture a Christmas list.  My sweet husband set a budget that we each get to spend on one another for Christmas, so I was trying to think of everything I want that I can get within that budget.  The idea of blessing anyone else with that budget never crossed my mind.  It did hit me, however, that I was frustrated because I was struggling to think of things I actually wanted enough to put them on the list, so I gave up and figured I'd give it another go-round later.

Well, then today I watched the sermon online (I am battling off a nasty cold, which Brody has / gave me, and tried to go to church Sunday but was really dizzy and nauseated and Jas had to go without me) and I was so incredibly convicted.  Pastor Mark spoke of a woman (who just so happens to be his wife) who is so generous that whenever she sees someone with a need she goes and buys them what they need, and then when she sees them again she gives them those items.  Listen, I rarely even notice when someone has a need because I am never looking for one.

If I am being completely honest, the reason I am not looking for other people's needs is because I have a nasty, death-causing sin called a sense of entitlement.  I expect others to look for ways to love, serve, and give to me because I feel like I have had a rough life so I am owed something from everyone else.  What is truly heartbreaking is that God gave me the spiritual gift of discernment, meaning that I have a supernatural ability to gain insight into people's motives, basically the real story behind their actions / words.  I should also be sensitive to others' needs, but... I'm not.  I'm so, so self indulged and it's sickening.

I'm tired of making excuses.  Yes, I grew up poor.  Yes, I was abused.  But no one- no single person- owes me a damn thing!   Everything I have, everything I am, all of it, it's all from God.  It's not about how much God has given me in my life- rather, it's about living the abundant life with Christ.  As I reflect upon my life, I see how Jesus was always so faithful to me, to minister to me and love me even when I was sinned against in the most atrocious ways.  And understand- Jesus saved me.  Not that in that cheesy way, that way you see it in the movies.

No.

Jesus found me, a wretched wreck, trying desperately to get everyone- anyone- to love me.  I was self-righteous, thinking I deserved praise for being smart and funny and a leader and friendly.  It's all BS, and it's all empty.  I was miserable.  Jesus introduced Himself to me, and though I still have so many issues and so much sin to be convicted of and repent from, my life is totally changed.  Really, truly changed.

But... I still have so many idols.  There are so many things I worship and pour my heart and life into that are absolutely not Jesus.  I strive for financial security and get really angry and cornered and lash out when it's threatened.  I hide from pain by being cloaked in 220 extra pounds of fat.  I seek comfort and unconditional love in food.  I try to earn the praises and accolades of people to convince myself that I am a person worthy of love.

The truest tragedy of this all is that all of these things make me such.  A.  Miserable.  Wreck.

I am critical.  I am judgmental.  I am constantly irritated, certain that everyone else except me sucks.  I nitpick my husband, hacking him to pieces with my incessant need to be right.

And trust me- constantly trying to impress everyone is EXHAUSTING.

Then there's the whole sense of entitlement, excusing the way I am because I have suffered.  The greed.  The way I think the entire world revolves around me.  It just perpetuates all of the issues I described above.

So, today, cleaning the family's kitchen where I nanny, thinking about Jesus and generosity as I was wiping down the counter, it hit me-  there is such a better way.  I know the better way.  I claim to be in an intimate relationship with the better way, the only way.

When I surrender to Jesus, when I give Him the reigns, I am free.  I am truly happy.  It's not a chore.  It's not work.  It's love.  It's peace.  It's the antithesis of self-indulgence and it's incredible.

I called my husband, told him the only two things I really want for Christmas (a tripod for our digital camera because I want to get incredible pictures of Seattle at night and use them as framed art in our home, and the Anne of Green Gables boxed set because a) I love them and b) I want to read them to my children someday) and requested ways to serve others with the rest of my Christmas budget.

You know what?  I was so relieved afterward.  Not because I get to "feel good".  It's not about that.  Anyone could give money to someone and still have an effed up life, to be blunt.  There's an incredible peace, a sense of oneness, with Christ that no good feelings will ever match.

I'm still flawed, still a sinner.  But I don't have to accept it and stay this way.  I can stop being scared of losing control and trust that Christ's plans for me are good, and believe that He truly loves me.  It's ok.  It's good.

One thing- for anyone reading and thinking, "Ok, isn't this Foode Fight?  As in, a weight loss blog?  What does the sappy Jesus mumbo jumbo have to do with this chick getting less fat?" (or, you know, something a little nicer than that) please understand that my spiritual issues are why I am fat.  Unless I deal with them I'll either stay fat, get thin and then get fat again, or get thin but have other huge issues basically ruining my life.  So when I post these more intensely spiritually-themed posts, understand that they are an integral process of this food(e) fight, even if I am not specifically talking about what I ate today or what have you.

Anyway I am tired and emotionally drained.  Thanks for tracking, and to those commenting and e-mailing and loving me- thank you so much.  I truly pray that I will reflect Jesus Christ and be a humble encouragement.

PS In case you didn't notice it, I posted twice tonight and there is a second post below this one.  Check it out!

PPS  For those interested, check out Pastor Mark's sermon; it's really good!