[The Resolution, Jack's Mannequin]

I know I'm still being spotty.  A lot of it is just time- my husband has to get up at 2:30 am for one of his jobs (he has two) so he has early bedtimes.  The computer is in a nook of our bedroom, out of the way of the bed, but still in the same room, so basically when I get home from work I make dinner, we spend about a half hour to forty-five minutes together, and then he goes to bed.  I usually watch a show or two (my TV watching, unless it's a show Jason specifically wants to watch earlier during the week, namely Heroes on Wednesday's and The Office on Friday's, is being regulated to fit into the hours of 8-11 on weeknights.  Weekends are looser, but if the TV is on then I try to do something else, like write cards to people, etc.  There are exceptions, like I'll probably let HGTV-ish stuff play on Friday as I do the final organization step of a year's worth of bills and such to file.  I know, gross.  That's why I am changing my habits, to open and file the bills every day!!  This is a hecka long parenthetical phrase.  You know you miss these.) and then come to bed between 10:30 and 11.  I check my e-mail, and I'm usually too tired to blog.  Then Jas is on the computer most of the time on Saturdays and I watch football on Sunday afternoons.  Really, I am just not making time.  This blog means a lot to me, so I need to make time.  I know that.  So, I'm going to figure something out and get back to you.

A status check... honestly, it's not a great picture.  Food is ok.  Not great.  Not terrible.  Just ok.  My overall score is probably a 7, but that's because I'm a 9 on portion control but a 5 on food quality.  None of it is junk food, but it's still really lacking in whole foods, particularly veggies.  What I need to do is be more intentional to buy them, so my goal this weekend when I grocery shop is to pick out veggies so that there is a heaping serving size with every serving of dinner this week... I'm terrible about veggies.  Thus, that is my plan.  I'll update you all on how I do.

Exercise has sucked.  Just plain sucked.  I can't blame anyone but myself- I just don't do it.  My wonderful husband even gently called me out on it, because here we are paying $32 a month to the gym and we're on a shoestring budget (literally.  Coupons are my new passion.) until he gets a job (please pray about that for us!  He has some promising opportunities taking shape at a local software giant in Redmond- most of you get that one, I'm sure- to start out on a contract position that will pay pretty well and get his foot in the door, and we have awesome connections there to help get him in, so he's working hard to pursue it and we're trusting Jesus with the rest.  But he really, really needs a job because until he gets one he's going to start working from 10:30 at night to 8:30 the next morning at UPS to make ends meet,which means he'll sleep from 9am-2pm ish and then try to pursue IT jobs and study for school and somehow take care of life stuff.  These years will pay off, and I know that, but they're still really hard times on us.  I'm so grateful we don't have babies yet.  And yet another long parenthetical phrase.  You don't like it, you love it.)... so, anyway, we're shelling out very important money and I haven't been to water aerobics in a month.  This is not to mention the amazing generosity of the amazing friend who dipped into her savings to pay my start-up costs.  My sin regarding exercise affects others and I need to choose to stop.

I gave Jason my word that I will go to water aerobics Mon & Fri from now on, barring EXTREME circumstances (like the funeral last weekend, for example).  The thing is, wat. aer. is the best way for me to get exercise without further injuring my back, which still gives me a LOT of problems.  I have no excuse.  I was watching The Biggest Loser tonight and that became so apparent to me- it's easy to get upset with people on the show who seem to be taking it for granted that their life for like 8 months on the ranch gets to be 100% focused on losing weight, and they have awesome trainers to get them into fighting shape.  I find myself doing the same ol' Tami routine-- thinking, "Man, if only I could get on the show, then I'd finally change."  And, honestly, if it's not another one where you have to have a fat friend / family member teammate (I don't have any, at least none that could / would go on the show with me) I will apply next season.  But the truth is, I can't keep waiting.  Something has to give.  There has to be a breaking point. 

Also, re; TBL, I was watching Ed and Heba (my favorite couple, btw... totally upset that he had to go home but at least he looks AMAZING!) crying together about the fact that they want to have kids and with her the way she is they can't.  I had the frightening realization last night at community group that I am increasingly bitter toward people who either are pregnant or are having kids who, I feel, aren't being "responsible".  Be it teenagers or adults, I am overly critical because I am bitter.  I am angry with myself for getting to a place where I cannot have children, or at least not without HIGH risk factors that threaten not only me but my baby, and I find every reason to hold others in contempt.  Maybe it's an unwed teen, or anyone who gets pregnant intentionally without financial means (this ties into my frustration with being in so much debt, enslaved to it and unable to save for a house or children right now, in addition to my fat issues), or the mother dragging a screaming kid through the store and telling the toddler girl that she's going to be whooped when they get to the car, etc. 

Sometimes things just seem so unjust... but the reality is that I'm not really concerned with those other people.  They are not my problem, though I like to think they are-- my sole problem is me.  My sin.  But if I criticize everyone else for their issues I can ignore my own and think I'm doing ok, and hope that eventually I'll wake up in a size 10 body in a Ballard area craftsman (for the non-Seattleites this is code for a house... the median cost likely in the $500k range) that my husband and I have renovated and we'll have even more in the bank and stock market (in the fantasy wall street isn't diving like it is at the moment) working harder for us than we are for the money.  Nice dream, but it won't come without hard work.  Hitting snooze on my alarm is never going to burn the 600+ cal that water aerobics will. 

I want to tell you all that I have all the answers, but I don't.  We all do things we desperately wish we'd stop doing, and we all neglect things we know we need to do.  These are sins of commission and omission, respectively.  I know what I want to do, I just struggle in figuring out how to get there.  I know I need to get up and exercise, but how to actually make myself do it, to have the willpower and self-discipline and self-control is another story.  And, while I am praying for wisdom and strength from the Father, I'm not going to play "tacky sister Christian" and give some pithy answer about relying on God, because the truth is, I'm trying to rely on Him but I fail there, too.  These are all reasons why Jason and I are seeking to join a redemption group at church.  Basically, they are for people who struggle with addictions and the fact is that I am addicted to food and, in a way, addicted to not exercising.  There are no simple answers, but I know I need the full-on support and exhortation, the accountability, to start changing my life. 

Anyway, a real and true update.  Honest.  Sometimes honesty bites me in the butt, because people call me out on my sin, but I know you can all relate to this in one way or another, even if weight issues aren't of primary concern in your life.  We all struggle with rubber meeting the road and I respect you, and myself, too much to give a pat answer... I need to change.  I need help to do it.  I hope my journey continues to inspire some of you.

PS Sorry that I haven't kept up on comments... I'll make an effort, I promise.  The good news is that J's school laptop should be here in a week or so, which means I'll have more consistent access to a computer that doesn't get in the way of his schoolwork and sleep!