[I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real]

I know I haven't been around all week, and I can't even really apologize because there's not much I've been able to do about it.  My half-in wisdom tooth is abscessed which means I am in crazy pain in my jaw, ear, lymph nodes, head, etc.  I have a dentist appointment Monday morning at 7 am... not only is Monday normally a day I have off, which means sleeping in, I'll also miss yet another water aerobics (I haven't been all week due to the tooth pain [Monday and today, Saturday], plus my nanny schedule was four days this week so I couldn't go Friday), and it's my first wedding anniversary.  We still hope to do fun stuff (the plan is to go to Pike Place Market and the waterfront since we don't ever really go to that part of Seattle) if I'm not in too much pain.

I'm nervous because I know I'll have to get my wisdom teeth out.  I'll just be getting a deep clean, hopefully some antibiotics or something to deal with the abscess, and a verdict on how impacted my wisdom teeth are.  Hopefully I won't have to be referred out to a specialist.  Specialists + Dentistry = $$$.

I'm stressed about money right now.  I'm trying to trust God, but it's hard.  A few months ago Jason tried to be responsible and do right by his employer by letting him know about a possible job change circa October 1.  As I've mentioned, Jas just started school this week to get a second bachelor's degree, being as his poli-sci one hasn't proved much use, this time in IT (basically, computers; probably with an emphasis on software development).  He's trying to find a job in the IT field while he's going to school to basically build up his on-the-job experience as he gets the degree to back it up.  He had a few possibilities for this fall, so he wanted to let his boss know so that he doesn't leave him high and dry-- you can't just train someone to clean pools at the caliber Jason's company does in a week the way you can with, say, an office or retail job.

Anyway, long story made short(er), his boss has another employee who currently works part time for Jason's company and another who would make the move to full time if Jason leaves.  Jason spoke with said employee- let's all him Bernie- and said that he might be leaving in October and if he found another job he'd try and get more like 4 weeks notice in order to work with Bernie before hand to make the switch as smooth as possible.  Bernie took this maybe to mean definitely and put in his two weeks notice at his other job, which is already interviewing replacements, and since Jason is the one planning to eventually leave and Bernie is making the move to full time, J's boss told him that as of October 1 he's going to be cut to part time so Bernie can become full time.

When Jas told me this yesterday I cried.  I still want to cry.  We're trying so hard to be wise stewards with money, to pay off debt and stop being under this burden of being $80k in debt (90% of that is student loans) with no savings, crappy cars, and no room for error.  We have $600 in medical bills from my back injury, and now face who knows how much with my certain impending "third molar extraction", not to mention the fact that my back has gone from almost fully healed to progressively worse and worse since I started working again.

With the stress and the pain I have pretty much become limited to resting whenever I'm not working at my nanny job.  Thus, more of the cleaning duties are on Jason and I'm not being disciplined with eating.  I even binged and purged two days in a row this week.  I'm depressed and afraid to let Jesus in, so I flee from Him and make halfhearted attempts at best to read my Bible and spend time with Him.  I know He's wooing us, drawing us to Him, to trust Him, and I know that He's not punishing us or trying to destroy us, but I am weary.  I want to respond correctly, but right now I don't even know where to start.  Plus, I'm in a more intense than usual PMS state right now, so my emotions are crazy on top of all of the stuff going on.

Hardest of all is that God made yet another idol very clear to me yesterday-- security.  I crave security, particularly financial security.  This is why I stress out whenever Jason bungles finances (I have never had an overdraft in my life and we've had probably 10 since we got married and he's always been in charge of finances, and most of them have just been stuff like forgetting to enter a receipt and not staying on top of syncing our bank statements with Microsoft Money) and I get really harsh with him and think that I'd do a better job and I get so angry.  Yet I've never pushed taking over because I just know it wouldn't be healthy and I need to find a productive way to help him- like maybe just being more helpful on the administrative end, entering receipts and such- without trying to be in control.  He's not a control freak, but I am, and I think I need to exhort him to get better with handling the finances, not just take over.  And to be clear- we plan the budget together, but he has always been the one to do all of the legwork after we discuss numbers.

Anyway- the security issue is huge.  I want to be out of debt, so save like $40k for a down payment on a house, to get better cars (imagine being able to drive our own car to visit family and not have to rent one!), and to have babies.  I don't necessarily want it all this second, but every time something interrupts the plan I get really upset.  As a result, I don't take care of myself.  I wouldn't have made the dentist appt unless Jason had basically forced me to- he looked up local providers with our insurance, had the page open on our computer, left me a sticky note on the computer telling me to make an appt, and he called me three times to make sure I did it.  I just hate to spend money on my health.  I have always been this way.  I don't even stress about Jason's health, but I put off spending money on my own until I'm basically forced to.  This is why I haven't been to the dentist in ten years and why my back is probably getting worse, because I don't want to deal with all of the appts and money spent and medications and crap.  Plus, at this point, I fear that the answer may be surgery.  Back surgery means missing possibly months of work, and as a nanny this could cost me my job.  It's all too heavy and I would rather just hope that it will get better.

Also... Jason and I are looking into something through our church, but I finally am broken enough to admit that I need help.  I can't do this on my own.  I never intend to binge and purge, and when I do it's like there's an off-switch.  I just turn my conscience and any ear for listening to the Holy Spirit off and forge ahead even though I know it's sin.  I am so incredibly self-destructive, and I'll save it for another post, but I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I really don't love myself well.  The love I have for me is an extremely selfish and destructive love and I'm to the point where I feel like I'm at the end of what I can do on my own.  Jason is so supportive, and he loves me, but he just doesn't know what to do.  No husband should ever have to wonder if the only way to help their wife is to put locks on the refrigerator and cupboards so she can't get to the food, thus preventing her from binges.  I just think all of the stuff going on in me is too heavy to expect him- or me- to figure out on our own and pat answers and books won't do it.  I have all of the knowledge in my head, I'm very self-aware of the problems and know what I'm doing, and even want to stop, and I truly want to honor Jesus and have intimacy with Him, to be obedient... and yet I just don't, and the roller coaster of ups and downs is making me sick.

The thing is, when I had my really convicting experience a few weeks ago, I really meant it.  It wasn't contrived- the Lord spoke and I heard Him, and I set about making the changes to be more obedient.  Then, my back started hurting more and more, and now this tooth thing, plus the sudden financial issues facing us (yet again), and it's as if everything bit of progress was just ripped to shreds.  And I honestly see this as a good thing, because it's forcing me to realize how truly in need of help I am, but I am finally at the end of me, what I can do on my own.  If I don't seek help now I fear never changing.  And trust me- I hate needing help. I have always been so independent, and so strong, and suddenly I'm frail and my life is literally hanging in the balance.  Though some may disagree with me, I think getting counsel from outside of my church would be utterly pointless, so we're looking into either setting up counsel with a leader in the church or getting more information on something our church is starting called redemption groups.  Either way, we need help.

I'll let you know how that goes as things develop.

My back is literally screaming at me right now, and I'm tired.  But I'll end on a slightly lighter note- I've been watching a LOT of HGTV since yesterday afternoon, being as I've been either on the couch or in the chair- whatever position is least painful for my back at any given moment- and it spurred me to just peruse houses in Ballard, where we're hoping to buy (the idea is 2-4 years, but who knows what God has for us between now and then) and I found one I really like.  It's the kind of place where I can really envision making it our own, from things as simple as just our stuff in it to paint to renovation projects.  It's a pretty great starter house, basically my realistic-dream first home.  By this I mean not the 2.2 million dollar mansion mansion- a true dream home- but a realistic-dream because it's what would be more our price-range for this area but it also includes a lot of elements I really, really want, such as an open flow from kitchen to dining to living room, awesome kitchen (though it needs a remodel re: floors and counter tops, but that's cool with me), a library!, fireplace, hardwood floors, nice curb appeal, AMAZING patio for entertaining in back, etc. Anyway, to give you a feel for my taste, go check it out here.  There are lots of pictures; don't you just love the way the style stays true to the craftsman design, including architectural elements like the arches?   I'd add crown molding throughout, but I love the unique layout-- so much better than today's development houses, so ticky tacky and plain best, contrived at worst when architects try to make cheap box houses seem as authentic as stuff from 80 years ago.  It just doesn't work.  But I love this house-- isn't the library awesome?  Such a dream feature of ours!  And that patio just makes me want to cry, it's so beautiful.  Maybe I'll like save that address and when we enter the market someday see if it's back on it.  But I digress.

Now, I must sleep.  I do love you all and am grateful for your continued support, and I'm sorry that I haven't responded to e-mails, comments, FB messages, etc all week.  It's nothing personal- this is the first time I've been at the computer for any length of time other than to check e-mail / Facebook real quick.