First, I am so sorry- I was such a grouch yesterday!

Secondly, a word on PMS- I hate the way that simple hormones can rage through my body and make me feel like I'm trapped in my body unable to overcome this other horrifyingly terrible... well, bitch... who has taken me over. I've considered seeing a doctor, because it gets so bad. I've never been into a lot of the "chemical imbalance" mumbo jumbo, but seriously- I feel so hopeless when my PMS peaks. I literally feel like my entire world is just bleak and I hate everyone and everything, particularly me, and I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

Then, it's like a dam breaks and suddenly I'm back to my normal self, terrified that I could ever feel the way I had and unable to understand how it happens. I swear that I'll be able to overcome it next month, but then it happens again and I once again feel like a prisoner stuck in my body with no ability to affect the body's moods and attitude and actions.

Does anyone else have that? It keeps getting worse as I get older, too. I used to really guilt myself, thinking that if I only loved Jesus enough then it wouldn't happen, and that it was no excuse and that I was a horrible Christian who didn't deserve the label. I'm learning to come to grips with the fact that this hormone stuff is very real, and that I need to deal with it- even if that means medical help. I can't just overcome this on my own power.

The weight stuff, on the other hand, is really changing. I mean, ok, the scale was still 252.something this morning, but I did start my period yesterday so I'm holding onto hope that it's water weight. I worked out even harder than ever before (seriously- on the elliptical I thought I might pass out!) and once again my muscles remember the workout from yesterday :) One of the trainer people said that if you're muscles are sore the next day then it's good because they're burning more calories than normal. I hope so, because my ass is KILLING ME!!

Eating isn't perfect, but it's good. I'm really working on controlling portions and when I eat- no more just mindless snacking, or at least I try to hold back as much as possible. In addition, I'm working with what I know about myself- I really need a sweet treat at night or I feel deprived and then binge. If I try to be all "smart" and get something I don't really like (say, frozen yogurt or fruit) then I won't eat it and then I'll feel doubly deprived and guilty for spending the money, and then binge. Thus, we will buy sweet snacks when we do our weekly shopping trip tomorrow night, and we'll immediately package it in little portion sizes. Otherwise we'll just overeat (Jason has the same issues) and it's a bad cycle!

It's pretty sweet that my body is still changing. I can feel my muscles- my legs especially- getting really tight and hard under my chubs. I want to keep melting the chubs away to put them muscles on display! I'm stronger than the average girl, which is nice, so I'm pumped to see what my body might look like if I keep doing the work to strengthen muscles and burn fat.

Ok, last thing... I'm working on being more thankful. I feel like I've somehow fallen into a rut where I am quick to complain but extremely slow to notice good things. I plan to go into it more later, but I recognize the complaining and bad attitude (particularly at/about my job) as a symptom of not thanking God for His Will in my life. As I said... more on that in the next entry :) For now, I should get back to the grind-- only 2 hours and 21 minutes until the weekend!!

PS I have the world's greatest husband and I love him so much! I just want to go home and just enjoy being in his presence!! I can't wait until 5!