FOODE FIGHT

Where's Tami Now?

2010-04-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

I realized that a decent number of people still stumble across this blog; I stopped writing here because I realized that I had reduced my identity to simply being the fat girl trying to become not-fat.

The last post points you to another defunct blog- in that one, I went the other extreme direction of trying to make everything super spiritual. My husband patiently listened to me talk for weeks about my "Jesus blog" and then how I'd create a "food and recipes and health blog" and an "our life and family blog" and finally just asked me why I didn't have one blog that encompassed everything.

He's a smart one; that's part of why I married him! I now have this blog:

http://www.tamihagglund.com

It's my name, so I don't think I'll be changing it. I may be convicted about content, but I think tamihagglund.com is here to stay. I post about recipes, weight issues (I had gastric bypass and have become quite the fitness nut, and have lost 112 pounds, for those who don't know!), health in general, Jesus, life, everything.

I like the success I found with this blog, having lots of readers, but I can honestly say that TamiHagglund.com is my favorite blog, because it's the most honest. It's just me. I'm not trying to shock with how disgusting I am / used to be, I'm not trying to impress with big numbers from the scale, I'm not forcing a faux spirituality that is dishonest about where I really am. It's my favorite blog because it's my life put into writing. The pressures I put on myself here to become a famous weight-loss blogger didn't carry over into TH.com, nor did the pressures I put on myself to become a women's spiritual guru on the Tumblr blog. I'm finding that I'm most comfortable just being me. Shocker, right?

Feel free to come join me :)

Where's Tami?

2009-03-30T01:24:00.000-07:00

You can follow my new blog here:

http://2617.tumblr.com/

For more info on why I've moved you can read the previous post:

So This is Good-Bye

So This is Good-Bye

2009-03-30T01:21:00.000-07:00

Well, some of you might have wondered if this was coming. Others might be completely shocked. That said, God is been doing a LOT in me (and my sweet Jason) and I'm quite convinced that the time has come to bid FoodeFight adieu.

Here's the skinny (it's my last post on here- I get some liberties, right?): while I know that FoodeFight has been about much more than just weight loss, I'm very convicted that I have placed my identity in being a "fat person" for far too long. FoodeFight as it stands just perpetuates this. I am a daughter of Jesus Christ, purchased with His blood. Jesus Christ defines me, and while struggling to lose weight will continue to be part of His story of redemption in my life I can no longer make it the central issue.

The truth is, God was warning me that this was coming long before I realized it. I've read quite a few weight loss blogs in the last year- it really is a rather tight community once you start to get into it- and I noticed a common theme. The person just starting out is constantly focused on "I'm fat. I'm trying to lose weight. It's hard. I'm fat. This sucks. I can do this! I'm fat. I don't want to be." The person who has begun losing weight places their identity in "I can't believe how far I've come! I can't believe how hard this is :( Wow, I guess I am starting to change. Wow, I can't believe how far I have to go. But I'm trying. I had a bad day/week/month/winter/year but I'll keep trying and I'll beat this. I'm a person losing weight." Lastly, the person who has lost a significant amount of weight focuses on these things, "Look how fat I used to be! I can't believe how changed I am! I can't believe I gained 5 pounds in 4 meals. I'm not fat anymore! I gained weight back. I'm going to be in this battle for the rest of my life." Do you see the sad link here? It's all solely about weight loss, one's identity as a fat person. It's so sad, but particularly as a daughter of Christ I just can't pretend I'm the same as the general weight loss blog community.

Recently, when reading said blogs, my heart is just sad. I realize that I'm not really one of them because so much of what has been happening in me is far deeper than just the obesity related stuffs in my life. I have felt disconnected because the more I wrote about Jesus the less I was embraced by the weight loss blogging community. I constantly struggled with wanting to leave Jesus out and find acceptance, unfulfilling as it would have been. Plus, God has really been working on my heart regarding wisdom in what I say, how much I share, and what it looks like to be open and honest in a way that is edifying while still guarding my heart. I have much to learn in that regard, but I no longer feel that weight loss / obesity needs to be a central theme in my writing. I know, however, that God is calling me to write, and to write for His glory.

One weight loss blogger recently talked about seeing weight loss as something all consuming, that she's working on being so focused and dedicated to weight loss that at any given moment she asks herself, "What am I doing to lose weight right now?". My heart aches for this woman- and others- who believes that achieving a certain physical shape and ability will fulfill her. This was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back- I cannot pretend any longer that I'm here to blog about weight loss and dedicating my life & writing to encouraging others to get physically healthy. I'm here, as a blogger, to encourage people to seek, surrender to, and know Jesus because that is what my entire life is about.

So... this is my last real post to FoodeFight. I'll post one more pointing people to the new blog I have started. You are more than welcome to read it (I'll also include the link below) and I hope you will! I'm not going to be a different writer, per se, just the subject matter will shift to being primarily about Jesus with some of my weight loss / obesity related issues included from time to time as is relevant and edifying. I'll still be raw, just hopefully with an identity firmly placed on who I am in Jesus Christ.

Lastly- to those who have been with me on here, thank you. I do love you and hope you'll read my new blog. It won't be some cheesy-peasy lame-o contemporary Christian atrocity, trust me! If you know me at all you know that's not my schtick. It will be about Jesus, His Bible, and what He's teaching me told in a (I pray) powerful and truthful way.

So- here's the link:

http://2617.tumblr.com/

Much love--
Tami

Heads Up--

2009-03-07T15:26:00.000-08:00

I did keep my word and blog this weekend, but it's on Spiritual Foode .

You can check it out there if you so desire:

http://spiritualfoode.blogspot.com/2009/03/psalm-73.html

It's Been A While...

2009-03-06T23:57:00.000-08:00

[It's Been A While, Staind]

So... yeah, it's been quite a while. But I think I am finally ready to start writing again. Tragedy of the day, though, is that I have a sucknasty cold that is pretty much ruining my life.

Ok, melodrama much?

Seriously, though, I am struggling to compose a coherent thought of any significance. I doubt anything I do come up with would be meaningful but I promise a real post, hopefully this weekend.

I'm back, yo!

That Thou, My God, Would Die For Me

2009-02-23T15:32:00.000-08:00

[Amazing Love, old hymn]

I have a post in my soul but the words are hard to come by. I know, you think that's not even possible, the wordy lady that I am. Still.

I really want to write a post but it's just not there. I think I need time to process it, maybe. Sometimes my silence is a good thing, because to write when I am working through something- to explain it when it's not yet realized- simply isn't wise. I need to be certain that I am running to God before my blog, and that is what is happening right now.

It's good! Jesus is drawing me to Himself, changing my life inside out, and it's beautiful. Usually my silence is because I've been rebelling and porking out and running from God into the arms of my adulterous lover, Mr. Escape. That's not it this time- I'm running into the arms of my sweet Savior, my first Husband, and my blessed husband for this earthly life, Jason. It's very good.

So, thank you for your patience and know that when it's the right time I'll be back, probably with more words than you care to read :)

Hasta, kids.

Quickie

2009-02-23T01:09:00.000-08:00

I know I promised a blog this week, and I really meant to but then life became so busy. I am not sorry for living my life but I am sorry for giving you my word and not keeping to it. I have many things in my head but I am too tired to write a coherent post, so instead I will cheat and point you to some pictures here on Tamdomosities and here in a Facebook album (and a bonus super short one also on Facebook ).

I plan to write tomorrow, so hopefully that will happen!

Hasta, kids :)

I Hope You're Not Afraid Of Heights

2009-02-16T00:41:00.000-08:00

[Meaning, Gavin DeGraw]

I had the most amazing date with my husband yesterday. Admittedly, I have spent the preponderance of my lifetime thinking Valentine's Day is cheesy and stupid, just a corporate excuse to make people spend money. Obviously people should love one another daily, not just on a day dedicated to buying stuff to prove something. That said, my beloved has been SUPER busy finishing up the semester for school (he has a Bachelor's in PoliSci from Gonzaga but has found it to be quite useless in generating revenue, so he's getting a second degree, this time in IT, aka computer stuffs) and hasn't had much time for me. Yesterday he dedicated an entire day to me, and it was amazing.

I'm too tired to say much more, so I'm just going to post links to the photo albums I just put up on Facebook. You can see the pics without having an account, so feel free to browse through. If you want to make a comment, though, you have to be my friend. You can add me, but I don't accept from people I don't actually know. If you are a FoodeFight reader just tell me and I'll make an exception for ya :)

A quick confession: I know that anyone can check my stats and know that I weigh 360+ pounds and that everyone knows that is very, very fat. I still get really weird about posting pictures and will often take like 20 just to get one with the most flattering angle, always mainly of my head/face, trying to hide my chunky cheeks and chubby chin / neck. It took effort to post these pics, because some show more of my body and I feel so fat. But... it's what I look like, and even if I lose 200 pounds I will really regret that I missed out on a part of life by refusing to ever take pictures of me when I was bigger, because thus far it has meant that most of my 20's are missing from my life safe for my wedding and some head shots. So... I sucked up my pride and let my bloated body be seen. And I'm ok with that, because anyone who judges me negatively is accountable to God and I only care about His opinion of me, anyway, and He's concerned with my heart. Truthfully, I'm ok with just being me. It helps to have a husband who keeps telling me how incredibly beautiful I am, and I'm starting to see myself as both he and my Lord do. I'm a work in progress. And I like it.

Valentine's Date Day Part I - Green Lake

Valentine's Date Day Part II - Dinner

*No, it wasn't healthy per se. The steaks were big and the potatoes had cheese, bacon, sour cream, and butter. That said, we didn't eat big amounts and actually didn't eat lunch in anticipation of our large dinner, so I don't regret it. My goal isn't to be a food Nazi- it's to glorify God in all I do, and making my beloved husband an amazing dinner brings joy to my husband and glorifies God. It's a sweet treat, though rare. I'm not making excuses- I have complete peace, but I'm just giving y'all the specs in case you see the pics and freak and think I have fallen off the wagon! I haven't. We normally eat much healthier meals!

V-Day Hangover

Don't worry, we didn't even have any alcohol on V-Day because we aren't big drinkers. It's just a play on words :)

Enjoy the pics! I promise to post more this week, too! Last week was just nuts, so you can hold me to my promise to write some real entries this week.

Hasta, kids.

Ah, Poop. Lovely.

2009-02-09T17:14:00.001-08:00

[EDIT: Oh, praise sweet Jesus-- a second plumbing company came out today and they were able to break through the blockage, enough to temporarily solve the problem. We are home! We get to stay home, and it's sounding like even when they do fix the line we'll only be without water for maybe half a day that has been scheduled ahead of time so we can work around it. AKA No going to a hotel! Yay! The biggest inconvenience will be having the driveway dug up for a week... I can handle that! I mean, I could handle being in an itty bitty hotel room for a week but this is much better :) So that's happy news! Jesus is good to us, so praise Him that we are home... a clean, poop free except under the ground seeping through cracked sewer lines home ;) So now you know!]

So this weekend I spent all of Saturday literally puking my guts out. Dry heaving until capillaries around my eyes burst. 'Twas lovely. This after a super intensely spiritual and emotional day with my husband on Friday. Sunday was wonderful, as we were able to go on an all-expenses-paid date to see He's Just Not That Into You and then we had dinner at PF Chang's (great gluten free menu!). It was all-expenses-paid because our landlords were having an open house, as they are moving to a condo in downtown Seattle and are trying to sell their house, in which we rent the MIL suite downstairs (selling shouldn't affect us, as keeping the terms of our lease through it's end in July will be part of the terms of sale, FYI). Then, onto Monday (today)-- there were problems with the sewer Sat/Sun, so someone came out this morning.

Here's the deal... it's not just simply blocked. They believe a huge tree out front has roots that are crushing the sewer line that leads to the street, so they will almost certainly have to dig up the entire driveway and replace the entire line. This is estimated to take at least 5 days, so we are in a hotel for probably the entire week. My husband is massively behind on his on-line coursework (he's getting a second Bachelor's, this time in IT) so he'll pretty much need to Bogart the laptop here at the hotel the entire time. My point is that I likely won't be blogging much at all, but at least now you know why!

So, to tide yourself over until I can return, enjoy this GRAND pictures of my awesome morning:

http://tinyurl.com/be73ls

It's a Facebook photo album, so when you get there just click on the first pic and it will take you through a slideshow, each pic with it's own description. Enjoy ;)

Like Sparks Fly Upwards

2009-02-06T21:31:00.000-08:00

[Absolute, The Fray]

I'm in awe of how consistently God's word to me is grace. Last night my husband and I had a rough argument, and afterward I was hurt and frustrated and angry, basically dwelling in the land of sin, and I heard the clear call from God to run to Him in need and repentance, to allow Him the opportunity to show me how to walk in humility and love.

My response?

Quite literally these four tragic words: " I don't WANT to."

And that was that. I escaped into a two hour long episode of a TV show online and refused to deal with any of it.

This morning my Boaz took me out on an A.M. date to Starbucks where we talked about how sinful we were last night... and as Jesus led us we excavated some carefully buried sin in our marriage. Jason gently explained my role in this sin, and I became sullen and angry and chose to turn inward in self-loathing and self-pity instead of looking upward to my God.

And then, the lies.

The lies came so suddenly, without warning. It was a full-on attack. With terrible clarity they assaulted me from every direction, every possible angle:

I am just a fat loser.
Jason should have married someone else.
Jason would be better off with someone else. He deserves someone the opposite of me.
I should cheat on him so he'll have a reason to leave me.
No one would ever have an affair with me because I'm so fat. I should just die instead.
Jason would be better off if I were dead.
I'm fat and ugly and every problem in our marriage is my fault.
Jason's sinful response is my fault.
I'm worthless. Empty. Meaningless.
I will sit here like a statue and not tell Jason any of this.
I'll pull away from him, cold and unfeeling and let this marriage die.
I will. I'll make him want to run from me so I get what I deserve- broken loneliness.
I'm a worthless sinner and nothing will get better because nothing can.
I'm worthless and alone, as I deserve to be.

Those thoughts were so clear... it was as if they were on a grand Times Square marquee and I could read them as they scrolled by, accusing me, enslaving me.

Once, when I was nine, I was mocked at the local pool for not knowing how to swim. Truth be told, my family was too poor to afford the lessons and my parents didn't really have the patience nor desire to teach me themselves. But the pride of man, even in a stubborn elementary age girl, is a powerful thing and I declared that I could swim, so boldly that I hoped it would damn any audacity said mockers might have to even question my integrity. It backfired, increasing their will to prove me foolish and wrong, to belittle me for even desiring acceptance from them. When dared to jump off the diving board I said of course I would because I so yearned to be in their favor and was so horribly terrified of being seen for what I was- a lonely and abused little girl desperate for someone- anyone- to just love me.

After much fear and trepidation, walking out to what felt like imminent death at the end of six feet of springboard, I convinced myself that I'd float to the top and "swim" (doggy paddle was the extent of my talent, but certainly this would suffice, or so I told myself) to the ladder and all would be well. So, I jumped. Full on jumped as high and far as I could.

As suddenly as I jumped I was at the bottom of the pool, thrashing with everything I had...

Today I felt helpless, flailing under the crushing weight of an ocean of lies. Both at age nine and today, in the Green Lake Starbucks at the age of 27 (9x3, and 9 is 3 squared and 27 is 3 cubed, interestingly enough) I found myself drowning.

I truly was today.

I was drowning.

I'd stood on the shore of temptation, thought it felt nice when the waters nibbled at my toes, and thus I had chosen to wade in... and found myself caught up in a riptide called The Enemy and it was pulling me under and out into the currents of the sea of lies, of which Satan is master. Like a marionette with severed strings I felt him grasping for every one, yanking on the knee-string while screaming, "YOU ARE WORTHLESS", and gleefully heckling when my leg jerked out from under me, sending me sprawling to the floor and busting my face on the pavement in the process. With the pull of the wrist-string he bellowed, "JASON IS BETTER OFF IF YOU ARE DEAD", and his evil joy was evident when my own fingers ominously drew an invisible line across my throat. Satan reached for my bloodied heart string, and he jerked it with vigor, venom dripping from his voice as he howled, "YOU ARE WORTHLESS AND ALONE AND YOU DESERVE IT. YOU EARNED IT." His wrath that I am in Christ, thus not completely under his control as master manipulator, was palpable. I could feel the bitterly cold bile of Satan's rage literally gripping the back of my throat, and I was paralyzed and unable to move.

True to broken marionette form I had no choice but to receive, to feel, to accept.

When I was in the pool, I remember realizing that no amount of panic would ever compensate for the fact that I didn't know how to swim. Desire to be above water, yearning to feel the sweetness of fresh air hit my burning lungs, will to live, would never get me above water. I didn't have the option of getting out on my own.

I was going to drown.

So, with a tragic solemnity, I received my fate, felt sadness for the life I would never live and accepted that my foolish choice in an attempt to earn temporary acceptance, a cheapened form of love, would cost me my life. I stopped fighting to live and simply sank to the bottom. I looked up toward the top of the water, the sun's rays broken by the rippling waves created by a couple hundred kids enjoying the freedoms of Summer vacation, and thought, so clearly that I remember it to this day, "So this is what it's like to know I am going to die."

Today, I sat on the couch in our favorite secret upstairs nook at our local Starbucks, and embraced my certain fate- the crumbling of my marriage to one void of love, and I would end up abandoned, broken, worthless, and alone, and I deserved it because that's what I'm meant to know in life. That's what I've earned. The sea of lies raged and I simply allowed myself to quit trying to find victory in a fight I could never win, for lack of ability, and I began to sink. Soberly, with an unnerving calm I sat, still as a statue save for intermittent breathing, staring blankly ahead as my husband called out to me to tell him what I was thinking, what was happening in my mind. I could see his face above the water line, distorted by the storm, but I didn't know how to get to him, streams of silent tears chasing one another down my cheeks as I embraced the sea of lies and welcomed the certain death.

At the bottom of the pool, when I was nine, my calm reverie of impending death was shattered when the lifeguard on duty yanked me up and before I could process it I was gasping for air, my head above water as he swam me to the edge of the pool. A fellow lifeguard on duty helped pull me up and the world was a blurred haze, one action incapable of discernment from the next, as they checked my vitals and made sure I was ok. I really was- I was shaken up, fatigued, but otherwise quite all right. I guess in my resignation to welcome death, in my moment of accepting that hope itself had died, I had forgotten about the lifeguards. But they were there the whole time, looking for anyone in a time of need, ready to do their duty and rescue a drowning child, regardless of whether said child made a foolish decision and their time of dire need was of their own doing.

This morning I was done fighting. I just gave up. And then... I was so desperate for Jesus, fully aware of my depravity, the lies I have believed my entire life, and my need for His power to set me free. With my entire heart I cried out to Him, "Jesus, save me! I'm drowning in the lies." He yanked me up, set my feet on the Rock of Truth, wrapped me in a warm robe of His acceptance and love, and said to me, repeatedly, these truths:

You are my beloved daughter.
I chose you before the beginning of time.
In your mother's womb I knit you together, knowing every day of your life, knowing you are one of My elect.
I have adopted you into My family. You are an heir with Christ.
Everything that is Christ's- all good, all blessings, all righteousness- is yours, too, because I chose you.
I died not just for you- I died as you. The penalty for your sin has been paid.
You are free in me.
Lies do not define you. I DEFINE YOU. You are mine. To me you are of infinite and immeasurable worth.

Every last drop from the sea of lies that clung to my body was absorbed and abolished by the robe of acceptance and love. My flailing feet found even, solid ground on the rock of Truth. I was stable and secure. In the sea of lies I had forgotten about my Savior. But when I least expected Him, He showed up, and He saved me from certain death, death to my marriage and death to my living a life of purpose. I couldn't escape the lies but the Way, the Truth, and the Life rescued me. He was fulfilling His promise, walking with me, and when I chose to believe the lies for even a moment, just standing on the shore and knowing I needed to run but wading in anyway, Jesus Christ was there willing, able, and ready to save me even though it was my own doing, entering the sea of lies, the ocean of death. My foolishness didn't matter- my Lifeguard is always on duty.

After the local pool staff were all certain I was ok, they offered to call my parents but we were too poor to have a phone, so I assured them that I lived close by and could get home just fine. I remember getting my towel and walking toward the locker room, feeling as if everything wasn't really real and I was just floating through walking motions somehow, and the kids who had mocked me stared at the ground, ashamed, the realization that they nearly played a key role in seeing a classmate die hitting them full on. The rebuke from the lifeguards that followed couldn't have helped much. As for me, I walked the 20 minute trek to my home certain of only one thing- I wanted to be nowhere near the pool. I just wanted to go home.

This morning, ripped from the grip of Satan and my own sinfully rebellious self-pity, I only wanted Jesus. I didn't want to be right. I didn't want to fix me or fix my husband or fix the broken parts of our marriage. I wanted to cling desperately to Jesus and learn what it is to walk not as a marionette severed from its manipulator with frayed strings flailing about, begging to be yanked, but as a real, live child of God worshiping Him while journeying through a broken world.

I've a long way to go, as my legs are still feeble like a toddler only recently taking her first real steps, but my Father is a patient Teacher and I have confidence- true hope full of expectation- that I will walk with increasing resolve toward my destination- eternity in the presence of the Lover of my Soul- holding tightly to the hand of my Savior who walks with me as I make the trek.

Feel The Thorn Twist In Your Side

2009-02-05T22:23:00.000-08:00

[With Or Without You, U2]

Discipline is hard.

There, I said it. It's not rocket science, but it's so very difficult. It's discouraging to know the right thing, to desire the right thing, and still struggle. This is the difference between willpower and knowing God- some people can make themselves do the right thing, build in incentives or whatever, and convince themselves that the results are worth it enough to do that which they do not want to do.

Me... not so much. I just so lack the ability to do the right thing because I should. I am really good at figuring out why doing what I want as opposed to what I should is just so much the preferred option. Seriously- I pretty much only do- or don't do- what I want. Generally speaking I struggle so much with discipline and I run run run to escape into things that I want, what makes me feel good.

I'd like to have it all figured out but it's rough. What I am realizing is that my chief end, my purpose and worth, are found in glorifying God. I recognize that I'll never fix myself. I'll never want something enough to change. My heart wanders and leads me astray constantly, so much that I'd be humiliated if I weren't honest enough with myself that everyone struggles this same way because we are all sinners, and lack of honesty on anyone else's part doesn't change the fact that I'm no better or worse than anyone else.

So... this week was rough. I have felt physically crappy for what feels like forever... my back hurts constantly, I can't remember what it is like to not feel fatigued, and just generally I'm struggling to get through each day. I'd like to stay in bed for a month. It was incredibly difficult to go to work each day, even though I genuinely love my job- love being a nanny, love the amazing family I get to be a part of, love the opportunity to learn what it means to serve- and it was a constant test to see if I would keep my focus on God, worshiping Him with everyone from attitude to actions, and not to feel sorry for myself and / or give into temptations to eat too much or daydream and wish for different circumstances (namely, to be thin and not have physical pain). Hear me out- I'm not saying I plan to stay this way or that am accepting that I will; I definitely plan to keep fighting and working hard to lose weigh and get healthy and take care of this body I have been blessed with the opportunity to steward. I'm just saying that wishing for something that's not and feeling like it's an excuse to give into what I want- and not what's best for me- isn't the way to get from point A to point B.

The only real way to get to where I want to be is to be a worshiper of God. Doing the right thing because I should, even for a little while, just fades and dies. However, when I submit to God and rely on Jesus Christ to change my heart to long for Him, to desire to please Him, I find the strength to do what worships God as opposed to what feels good.

I had this amazing experience this week- I have been walking around the neighborhood while nannying fairly consistently. I walked for 40 minutes yesterday and Tuesday and 20 today, even though today I was totally fighting the urge to vomit (and I had horrible diarrhea this morning) the entire time. If ever I would have had an excuse to stay home it would have been today, but I just felt that I needed to honor God and worship with my body. Plus, the Brodster and I really needed the fresh air.

The coolest thing this week was yesterday- I really didn't want to, I absolutely didn't feel like going for a walk, and recently I have been challenging myself to go up this one killer hill. I can only do about 1/3 of it, but I've been trucking up it. Trust me- any normal person carrying 200 pounds on their back and pushing a stroller would struggle, struggle, struggle. Add in the fact that my body is in such agony- feet, ankles, back, hips, knees- and it's not an easy task. I'm not complaining- I'm just sharing with you some of the jazillion things that would make for typical reasons to not try. But yesterday... I trekked up that hill, and in an area where it was about 3 times as long and twice as steep as the place where I normally go. I huffed and puffed and felt humiliated when two guys sitting on the back of a truck bed said things in Spanish and laughed and all I could think of was how ridiculous I probably looked, 30-pounds-a-cheek ass jiggling as my huge body heaved forward pushing a stroller up a hill that healthy people probably avoid.

But I did it.

And then, the top, I went down a couple of blocks and after crossing a street I turned and looked and realized how incredibly beautiful it was. Seriously- Seattle is a gorgeous city, and I was overlooking Green Lake and it felt like I could see for miles and I was literally breathless for a moment (not from the workout- I'd finally recovered, thank the good Lord!) at the beauty of God's creation plus the innovation He's allowed mankind in planning cities. I also found my DREAM HOME. Seriously- I am sure it's worth probably 1.5-2 million dollars, but I LOVE this house- having a 2-car garage with street access in Seattle is just about unheard of, plus it's a gorgeous home- Craftsman style, my fave!- and the upper floors get the amazing Green Lake view... awesome. So here's a picture for you, ala Google Street View:

View Larger Map

Love it. You can click on the picture and drag your mouse to the right to see the view, sort of, but it doesn't even begin to compare to be there in person free of obstructed views.

My big point is that it was incredible- Jesus helped me make the decision to view exercise as an act of worship and not something I "have to" or "should" do and then He blessed me so richly with such an incredible view and a beautiful home to admire- not envy, just admire. What a good God. Truly, I worship such a good God and just want to stay on course, focused on desiring more of Him and less of me.

Hopefully as I do there will be physically less and less of me, to boot ;)

I've Been Calling For Years And Years And Years And Years...

2009-02-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

... And You never left me no messages
   You never sent me no letters
   You got some kind of nerve
   Taking all I want.

   Lost and insecure
   You found me

   You found me

[You Found Me, The Fray]

[EDITORIAL: This is long, but it is by far the most personally powerful entry I have ever written. I won't cheapen it by breaking it up into a part three- it's all here. And, all things considered, for me it's not that long! You know you love it, anyway!

Also, sorry about the weird spacing issues. Sometimes blogger just does this, I don't know why, and no amount of deleting / adding extra spaces will make it right, so I have to fight my perfectionist tendencies and just let it be. But I am letting you know that I'm not trying to annoy you with weird spacing of lines / paragraphs!]

I am declaring myself the #1 fan of this song. You might notice a bit of overlap from yesterday's post , but that was intentional, and I will definitely explain the significance of these lyrics in this post, so rest assured on that front.

This is a continuation of said previous post, so I'm getting right to it. The recent months have been really hard. For the first time I've really questioned everything that matters and felt hopeless. If I'm really being honest with myself I saw my church's Redemption Groups ministry as some sort of a last-ditch effort to try and figure this stuff out... I was sick of trying. That's the truth. It's ugly, but it's true.

The simple explanation for Redemption Groups, per the wording from the linked site above, is this:

For those facing difficult and seldom-discussed struggles, like abuse, addiction, and trials of all sort, Redemption Groups offer a time for growing in knowledge of how God changes our lives by the Gospel.

I knew I needed that, though I saw it basically as a place to go and get the formula to apply to my life to stop being such a mess. I know that I tend to seem like a person who has it together, but I feel like a constant mess. A fat mess. A critical and judgmental mess. A lonely mess. A non-trusting mess. A lazy mess. All of it and more... I just feel like there are people who are trusted and loved and treasured and blessed and I am a fat, critical, judgmental, non-trusting (and untrustworthy), lazy mess. Undeserving of love and worth and blessings. So I wanted to figure out how to quit being that way and, as I would have said then, let God change me.

Then, I showed up, Bible in hand, ready to absorb everything and let God create the latest, greatest, life-altering formula that I could then ask Him to help me apply and get fixed. Instead God completely blew my world apart. I touched on it more in-depth in this entry , but I quickly realized that my understanding of Jesus Christ, the Gospel, Christianity, God, and life itself were barely shadows of the real thing. Suddenly I had a glimpse of the fact that God is a loving God, and the entire world seemed new. I was ready to worship that God and be different forever.

In fact, the next week I went to redemption groups feeling this way, in awe of the amazing new way I was learning to see God, certain that I finally had the magic key to life change, and even found myself sitting in group thinking that I should look into leadership for the next round because suddenly I felt like I got it, the Gospel, and could help others get it.

Then, through sharing something I thought was an example of God really working in my life, a few simple questions by my group leaders brought everything crashing down. I'll not share the details of it, but the basic summary is this- while I was in awe of what I was learning, deep in my heart I had a completely wrong view of God.

See, my life story has always been told by me as the story of someone else who lived through a rough life but look at me, I'm strong and I overcame it and of course I am amazed that God has blessed me to be as strong as I am. It was always about me, my strength, my not being a weak victim. I literally have to force myself to admit that I have been victimized. I am realizing that for all of my focus on being sexually and emotionally abused by men some of my deepest issues regarding how I "do" life are directly linked to my mom and her sin, how she treated me, how she deals with and does life. I truly love my mother, and I think that just as the little girl tried to protect her mom by not telling her that I was being sexually abused I still try to protect her from her sin by not allowing myself to deal with the pain of how her sin affected me. She doesn't know Jesus Christ so I feel like I just have to deal with it and not talk to her because she can't handle it. I'm not saying I know where to go with that yet- maybe eventually God will lead me to talk to her. The point, though, is that I'm living life completely focused on me and dealing with life based on sinful patterns learned by imitating someone who doesn't know or love Jesus.

One issue is that my mom detests anyone who lives with a "victim mentality" whether they have been legitimately abused or not. I learned to be strong, to not be a victim, to overcome... and as I was abused again and again and again- sexually by multiple men, emotionally by my parents, physically by my parents (I hesitate to even admit that because they never "beat" me, but using physical force in anger to try and change your child's behavior, primarily for your own ease / convenience / reputation as a parent, is physical abuse and not Godly discipline), spiritually by multiple pastor's / people in spiritual authority... the abuse kept happening and I just "overcame". I deemed myself strong enough to let it go and move on.

What I didn't realize is that isn't Biblical and it doesn't deal with the issues. I responded sinfully- refusing to trust people. Manipulating people to win their affection and admiration but constantly criticizing everyone and finding reasons to not trust them, keep them at arm's length so that when they hurt me I could soothe myself with having seen their sinful and idolatrous patterns all along. I escaped into food and TV and internet. I tried to fix myself so that I wouldn't have to see myself as one of those untrustworthy people because I was the only person I could rely on... and when I failed and gained literally hundreds (ok, two hundred) pounds in less than a decade I ignored it and thought of myself as still being about the same as I always was- overweight but still normal and not defined by it. All the while I just kept trying to figure out how to fix myself, and while I know that Jesus Christ saved me when I was 16 1/2 I treated God like a genie who was supposed to fix all my problems and the Bible like an algebra book where I would insert said problems as simply and clear cut as using the quadratic equation to solve an algebraic function. I relied on my intellect and emotions to guide me to the place where I could first figure God out and then desire Him enough to make Him actually want to fix me.

As I type that, and re-absorb the impact of all of those things, I am heartbroken over how messed up I am and have been. See, when things didn't get better and I was abused again and I gained more weight and another friend seemed to no longer want to be close to me and my husband lost his job and every friend I know- literally, except 1 at the moment- was posting their joy on Facebook about getting pregnant and having babies and I struggled to understand why God seems to let me have dreams and always keep them too far away to ever actually realize and take away everything that I thought was His will for me... I lost hope. And with a few simple questions based on me sharing something that I thought was a great example of how God was changing me it became clear: I not only am still reeling and running from the effects of abuse and sin, but my view of God is this-

That He is the ultimate abuser.

He is unworthy of trust.

He is the one who doesn't protect me, doesn't heal me when He fails to protect me, and He doesn't care that I'm walking mortally wounded all these years.

I'm not fixed yet. I don't have the inspirational message to tell you that I had a hard moment of realization but now I get it and I'm different now. No.

I can tell you that I'm so amazed at God's character. For one, He is love, perfect love, and He doesn't want me to fix myself and then come to Him. He wants me to be honest, no matter how ugly it is, because only then is there room for Him to begin the healing. God doesn't build truth on a lie- He literally can't because it goes against His very character. He can- and does- reveal the lies, exposing them to the light, so that He then can destroy them and begin building truth.

I wrote an intense journal entry last week, long and painful and so honest that I was afraid for a moment that God might literally strike me dead. I poured out my heart to Him- the anger, the bitterness, the anguish, the regret, the blame of God. The week before that I got angry with Him when frustrated and hurt after a painful conversation with my husband, and God clearly said, "Run to me, beloved daughter." and I said, out loud, "Make me." and went to bed. Not my finest moment.

But then came the journal entry, and then a few days after that I was broken and cried tears of sweet sorrow and joy when many painful and difficult circumstances including my sin, the sin of others, and just random events that weren't really related to sin at all, suddenly were redeemed by God and made beautiful and He blessed me and showed me tangibly that He loves me and His character is trustworthy. It is good. He is love, He is grace, and He is hope. In Him there is no darkness at all. I can admit that I am hurting and don't understand Him and that I am angry with Him and not only does He not strike me down to show me my place but He doesn't even define me by my sinful attitude. He doesn't have to bless me, to be patient and merciful and enduring- He could strike me dead or strip me of everything I value to make me desperate for Him, yet He is choosing to be tender and gracious with me.

Me, the woman who basically said, "F**k you." to God the very night He revealed that I have a completely wrong view of Him because my husband responded sinfully to something I told him. Me, the woman who applies the Bible with head knowledge and seeks spiritual highs but I doesn't actually open up or trust Him because I see Him as the very opposite of who He is. To call Mother Teresa a selfish, greedy, cruel, evil woman- and to truly believe her to have been so- is just a shadow of calling God an untrustworthy, capricious abuser. Yet... He is revealing His character and helping me to realize what it means to know Him for who He is and yearn for more of Him as opposed to just trying to be fixed.

This is the root of my weight issues- while I'm happy for the women who have lost weight and feel like life is just this great "now", that's not enough for me. I'm not so naive as to believe that losing weight will solve my issues, because a thin and fit person who hates God is no better off than a fat person who hates God. This isn't an excuse to stay fat. My life has been miserable viewing God as an abuser and losing weight will not fix that. I can't fix myself, either. Even the best program won't help me. It's heart attitude, view of God, and while it will be a good thing to lose weight I will never lie and tell you that life is a "then" and "now" and the magic key was weight loss. I'll reemphasize that while losing weight will definitely improve many aspects of my quality of life, primarily physical and some emotional, it won't fix me and I can't seem to fix myself enough to lose this weight on my own, anyway. The only way to find joy and have a meaningful and truly good life is to see God for who He really is and live as a worshiper of Him- that's not to say there won't still be pain, heartache, sin, and difficulties. There will. But worshiping God for who He actually is and not the lies I have believed Him to be affects everything. It all boils down to how I see Him.

That is why I love the song by The Fray so much- it's so raw and honest. To feel like I stumbled across God sitting on a street corner,alone and smoking His last cigarette, not engaged in loving and caring for people, totally self-consumed and not caring about me, to feel like I have tried to find meaning in life, to do the right thing and be a good person and to feel like everything gets stripped away, to think I was pursuing Him and waiting for Him to reveal His will and show me how to live and then He just takes everything away for what feels like no reason... to be honest and ask why? Where have you been? Why did you wait? You were just a little late but You're God and You know everything, right, so why couldn't You show up on time and save the day? You have some kind of nerve, God, toying with me as I tried to find you and then you take everything I want...

And then there's the recognition that I was lying on the floor, broken and lost and completely insecure and God You found me even though I never really knew You. I had You all wrong, I defined You by my terms and made everything about me and said everything was Your fault when You were never wrong, never anything other than perfect and loving and pursuing me as I defrauded Your name by claiming to know You while living life as defined by me and my expectations, thinking I was walking with You when in actuality I was flipping You my middle finger at every turn. And You didn't smite me- You loved me always and You chased me down, even as I was running from You, and even now You give me grace and don't hold it all against me- You give me more grace and shine truth and light into the darkest lies hidden "safely" within the deepest recesses of my heart.

So I don't have this all figured out. And it's beautiful.

One final (quick) thought: more of my "normal people" blogs, people seeking to lose weight or be frugal or what have you, are turning into mediums for people to get and give free stuff and people are finding success and a way to make a living doing it. The temptation is so in my face- you know, quit the Jesus talk and put a bit of effort into my writing and make it eloquent and profound and pursue that kind of success. Don't scare away readers with God talk. Or, even better (barf), intentionally write to the Christian crowd! Be inspiring and show a simple 3 step process to how God can help you lose weight, and maybe somehow get an amazing book deal and be in Christian bookstores across the country! (If you knew how I feel about Christian bookstores / radio then you would know how revolting that thought is... I'd much rather go the non-God route than that one, though much of the "Christian" world is just as godless as the secular one so I suppose the point is moot).

The desire is in part rooted in a desire to have more financial security, pay off debt, afford a house, earn a living in a way that doesn't put such strain on my health (truth: working as a nanny three days a week is almost more than my 360 pound body can bear. Humbling or humiliating, depending on my attitude.). But I know that is not God's purpose for this blog. He has not allowed 12,000 people (well, hits) to read FoodeFight so I can sell out and try and make money. Might He allow me to eventually make a living off of writing? Maybe. But I have to be guarded.

That's why I was quiet- Jesus Christ is becoming the lover of my soul, slowly but surely, and He's doing so much, but I catch myself sometimes seeing Him work in a big way and immediately thinking about how I'll word it in a blog post... so far I haven't fallen prey to being "changed spiritually" simply to write about it, but the danger is never far off and I need to be wise and careful. So that explains the silence and why I won't get into every detail. That said, I believe God has uniquely gifted me with the ability to be brutally honest, no matter how bad it makes me look, so that He can be glorified as He works in me and I won't lie- while I long to keep being changed and redeemed, I want you to be encouraged to be more honest and real about who / how you really are, to allow the Truth of Jesus Christ and His perfect love to penetrate your heart.

I'm too tired for a witty ending, but may you be encouraged to pursue Jesus, and may I as well.

You've Got Some Kind Of Nerve...

2009-02-01T22:56:00.000-08:00

... taking all I want

   Lost and insecure-
   You found me. You found me.
   Lying on the floor- surrounded, surrounded.
   Why'd You have to wait- where were You, where were You?
   Just a little late...

   You found me.

[You Found Me, The Fray]

--Before you dive in, know that I did post a February weight / measurements update so don't miss it!--

To start: I cannot stop listening to this song. I listen to it on repeat for long periods of time, and it's lovely. It's so honest and raw in a way that I long to be. More on that later. These chosen lyrics are very significant, and that's why there are so many this time. Overall, I just love The Fray and really want their new album !

I am writing this post in a place of in-between. See, I live my life in this unhealthy pattern of desiring to no longer struggle with things so it tends to go like this: realize my sin. Be upset that I am what I perceive to be a huge mess when everyone I consider to be my peers are so together. Eventually have some sort of spiritual epiphany. Get on a spiritual / emotional high and declare that I have changed and give, oh, maybe one week's worth of evidence to support that. Eventually, slip back into old habits. Excuse my sin, explain it away. Then, after differing lengths of time, realize my sin and hit the reset button and start all over.

You know this is my pattern if you read my blog. I think that it's the average weight-loss blogger's tale, regardless of whether the person is a Christian or not. We all know of those few blogs with people who lost vast amounts of weight and look amazing. They tend to speak of life in terms of before and after, and it's not just how they looked then vs. now. "Then" they were tired all the time, in pain, grouchy and stressed, on and on, but now life is so great! Sure, they have some days that are more tempting than others, but "now"... oh, now life is just amazing and they'll never go back.

So, we weight loss bloggers read those blogs and think that's the goal. Figure out what the successful person did, create a formula, apply it to our life, immediately alter the formula to fit us, and then hope that with enough grit and determination we can somehow finally realize the "now". I think that it's honestly because we're looking for heaven on earth- we're fat and miserable so we blame all of our problems on being fat and think that once we just lose this weight it will solve everything.

To be fair, weight loss does fix some of these things- I have no doubt that massive weight loss will help my back, my constant exhaustion, that I won't be so afraid to go places (today a big reason we didn't go to a Superbowl party is that I've never been to the house and my back has been really bothering me more and more lately, and I just didn't want to deal with the possibility of not having comfortable seating that I fit into. Also, it was hosted by huge Steelers fans, and I didn't want to deal with tha t, either, but that's an aside!), I won't feel so uncomfortable in clothes, I'll be better able to have and raise babies, etc. I'm not denying the very real changes that weight loss brings.

That said... I want those things. I do. I imagine how different life could be 200 pounds lighter, and when I'm on a walk, pushing the Brodster in his stroller, and my back is screaming and tears are smarting the corners of my eyes (note here that I have not cried due to physical pain in literally over a decade, so the back pain is very significant) I remind myself that it's worth it, that one day I will walk my own baby and I won't be carrying 200 pounds of excess weight and my body will be healthy and I'll have things that my heart yearns for, that this pain now is worth the joy of realizing lifelong dreams later.

So why don't I change? Why do I still struggle? What makes me so different from the ladies in blogs I read that have lost 100+ pounds? And why, as one who knows Jesus Christ- the One who is the very power of life and death- am I unable to rely on Him to change me? Why don't I love Him enough to desire Him, to obey Him, to live for Him and stop struggling like this?

It's frustrating and I've been so tired. Not like it's 12:30 am and I'm sleepy, but the overwhelming sheer exhaustion of reaching that point where the will to go on is just... hanging on by the last few threads. These last few months have been the first time where I have felt hopeless. Thoughts of, "Is this even worth it? Why not just eat the stupid food and kill myself with temporary happiness because the repetition of temporary can start to feel like something that lasts if I'm numb enough..." have occurred and lingered.

To be blunt, things have been so painful and difficult on so many fronts- physically, financially, relationally, spiritually- that I have had very clear thoughts of, "Is following Jesus even worth it? I try and try and want Him and think I know Him but I'm empty and tired and this is just so much work... maybe I just quit trying and live life, just eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow I die. I won't even pretend. I'll just intentionally forfeit."

Scary stuff.

And you know what? This is long. So I am going to leave you hanging. For one, I think people don't really read my longer entries because they get overwhelmed and skim. This is plenty long but I'll quit now. And you can ponder what I've said. I'll type the rest right now but I won't let it post until tomorrow (Tuesday).

I know I've been checked out for almost two weeks, so it's partially my fault, but I would like to hear from you. What you're thinking, how what I'm saying affects you. Comment, e-mail, tell me on Facebook (if I know you in real life... if I don't sorry- I don't accept friend requests from people I don't actually know), whatever. But I encourage interaction and I'll work on actually responding ;)

First Of The Month Update

2009-02-01T21:47:00.001-08:00

I remembered to do a first of the month update... mostly. I forgot to actually weigh-in this morning but I did weigh myself Friday morning, and Jason and I just took my measurements. Remember that the measurement differences posted will be since November of 2008 since I guess I just didn't care in December and in January I couldn't find the measuring tape.

WEIGHT
Date of weigh-in: weight (weight lost since last weigh-in) (percentage lost since last weigh-in)
Bottom data in bold is most recent data; make sure you are in my most recent post, though, as this changes with every weigh-in!

Original Starting Weigh January 2008: 367
November 1, 2008:  357.5 (-9.5) (-2.58%)
December 1, 2008: ??
January 1, 2008: 367.7 (+10.2) (+2.85%)
February 1, 2008: 360.8 (-6.9) (-1.87%)

TOTAL POUNDS LOST: -6.2
TOTAL % WEIGHT LOST: -1.68%

MEASUREMENTS (in inches):
Body Part: Current Measurement (Change since last measurement) Total Lost: Total loss since November 1, 2008

Neck: 18.5 (+0.5) Total Lost: +0.5
Chest: 56 (-1.0)   Total Lost: -1.0
Upper Right Arm: 22 (no change)   Total Lost: no change
Lower Right Arm: 14 1/2 (no change)   Total Lost: no change
Upper Left Arm: 21(no change)   Total Lost: no change
Lower Left Arm: 15 (no change)   Total Lost: no change
Waist: 56 1/2 (-0.5)   Total Lost: -0.5
Hips: 66 1/2 (-.05)   Total Lost: -0.5
Right Thigh: 35 (-3.5*)   Total Lost: -3.5
Right Calf: 24 (+3.0*)   Total Lost: +3.0
Left Thigh: 39 (-4.0*)   Total Lost: -4.0
Left Calf: 22 1/2 (-0.5*)   Total Lost: -0.5

TOTAL INCHES LOST: -6.5

*Per November-February change: I question this data (my four leg measurements). I have been walking so it is possible that my legs are stronger and tightened, or that I've gained muscle and lost more than 5.5 pounds of fat... but that's a fairly drastic change, with big jumps down on my thighs and a fairly big jump up on my right calf, so I am wondering if we measured at a different place the first time. I'll stick with these numbers and keep measuring from the middle / thickest part (that's what we did today) so over time it should be ok.

Fun!

2009-01-30T17:33:00.000-08:00

I started a new blog. Just for fun and random stuff. Merely entertainment value, and because it's totally the type of blog I would love to read, which explains why I love Facebook and Twitter so much.

Tamdomosities

It's listed at the top of this blog on the nav(igation) bar-- you know, toward the top where it says "Home About FoodeFight... etc". "Tamdomosities" is to the far right. This way you can quickly get to it each time you check out FoodeFight; also, you can always add it to your Google Reader or other RSS feed reader.

In case you are wondering, to understand what Tamdomosities is / what it's about, check out the "About Tamdomosities" to the top right of the actual blog.

I might make the theme match the rest of Foode Fight, I might do something totally different, or I might just leave it the way it is. Can't decide, and I'm feeling rather uninspired re: themes, so it will stay as is for now. Just FYI, in case people are like, "!!!-- this isn't of the Foode Fight family!".

Happy weekend, kids.

Walk This Way, Talk This Way

2009-01-28T18:34:00.000-08:00

[Walk This Way, Aerosmith]

I am irritated at the moment.

DISCLAIMER: I'm really sick. Aches, chills, headache, nausea, all of it. So maybe I'm a little delirious.

But here's the thing- I like to keep my feelers out for what's happening in culture. You can learn a lot about what people value / desire / despise / live for by spending 10 minutes a day glancing over headlines / stories on a few choice websites. My personal trifecta consists of CNN.com, People.com, and (not for the faint of heart) PerezHilton.com.

Recently this photo of one miss Jessica Simpson hit the media waves. I'm pasting it below in the body of this post but you can also follow the link to it's location at People.com.

So, suddenly a flurry of "Jessica's Fat" rumbling hit the net, and then today this atrocity was in the NY Post ; I'm pasting the picture from where I saw it, on PerezHilton .

HORRIBLE. Not funny, not even a little bit. Of course, if you have nerves of steel you can click on the Perez site I linked to and read people's horrifying terrible comments. I read like two and quit. I would just get irritated and start thinking of the anonymous comment-leavers with the same animosity they leveled against Jessica.

Here's the thing- I'm not a Jessica Simpson fan. I mean, I have no problem with her- I just am not super into her music (especially not now that it's country- ick!) and while I'm sure she has admirable qualities I've just never found her particularly intriguing. To be fair, I'm not much of a starstruck kind of gal- celebrities are just people living their lives in front of a captivated (and frequently overly critical) world. Also, I think that what matters is a person lives life in pursuit of Jesus Christ and everything else is an aside.

That said, I remember seeing a True Hollywood Story, or similar type show, about Jessica Simpson. I remember very little about it, to be honest, but I do recall one important thing- she was a young teen when she made it big and people were ruthless in attacking her for her weight. So she went diet and exercise crazy and got really skinny and everyone praised her constantly but she was miserable because it was an incredibly unhealthy way to live.

So look at her now- happy, in a what she says is the healthiest and best relationship of her life, doing music she loves (even if it is country... again, gross), and just living her life. And suddenly she's a what, size 6? maybe 8?, instead of a size 2 and people are drawing pictures of her to look as big as I am (which says a lot about how valuable I am to society... apparently intelligence, kindness, things like Teach For America, and giving generously to many different charitable organizations means nothing... good thing my worth is in Jesus and not the swaying and trite opinions of this world) and assuming that it's because she's living on McDonald's. I guarantee you she's hitting the gym- hard- and trying to tell herself that everyone can suck it but she's hating herself and her agent has called to let her know that the record label hasn't done anything yet other than drop hints but if she's not super hot in exactly 30 days, presenting some big award in a slinky dress or doing a commercial in a bikini, then she might be dropped. It sounds melodramatic, but that's the way Hollywood works, sadly.

I, personally, am disgusted. For one, she doesn't even look fat. Listen, if she suddenly weighed 250 pounds I'd be concerned for her health, since 3 months ago she was looking like she needed to eat about 15 meals in a row. But, really, she's not even fat. Even if she had gained 50 pounds instead of 15, who cares? It is just so infuriating to me that people sit there and chant empty crap like "self-esteem" but then rip someone apart based solely on appearance and a small roll at the top of their pants.

So, I'm annoyed. I know not to expect much more from people, because when your life is a constant search for worth and meaning you tend to compare yourself constantly to others and look for any reason you can to feel better about the emptiness you can't seem to fill. It still makes me sad, though, and I am reminded that Jessica Simpson is a real person with real feelings and anonymous internet commenting brings out the ugliest parts of people. For her, and anyone comparing themselves to her and feeling like a right heifer, I pray that they'll meet the God who made them beautiful and loves them just as they are.

I Don't Shine If You Don't Shine

2009-01-24T22:49:00.000-08:00

[Read My Mind, The Killers]

I'm on a big The Killers kick lately. Well, for like the last 45 minutes. Dunno why. Just am.

I'm doing well- I'm just processing a lot, and I know the silence sucks for you faithful readers, but when I am going through this intensely personal experience with God and then find myself working out in my mind how I might word it on my blog I realize that there is definite danger of my blog becoming a reason, a motivating factor, if you will, in convincing myself that I am pursuing Christ when, in actuality, I am entirely self-consumed and deceived. Not good.

Ergo, silence. But I promise that as soon as I feel it's right to write (tsk, tsk) I will. And I'll try to keep updating my Foode Log, though it's gone to pot this weekend. Why do I have such a hard time staying on top of things like that the second my routine changes? Meh.

Anyway, I know silence tends to precede bad news on my blog, and as I process it's not pretty, but I've literally only had one instance where I knew I was being downright sinful and eating something I knew I shouldn't, but considering where my heart was it is no surprise. It will all make sense when I break the silence, but, again, it has to be with a heart ready to share for God's glory and not my own narcissistic need to be understood.

The crypticism is, I would guess, more annoying than the silence, but that's the way of these things! Torn between the ominous silence and the unwise revealing of more than is healthy, I find myself trying to be cautious without being all-out obnoxious, and it's a tough line to toe!

Anyway, I'm sleepy and my sexy man is beckoning me to bed. So I'm going!

Hasta, kids.

If You Tarry...

2009-01-13T21:51:00.000-08:00

... 'til you're better
you will never
come at all

[Come Ye Sinners, as performed by Ex Nihilo]

I'm finally ready to write, just a little bit.

First; I have referred to this song before and it's goodness, so check it out here .

Secondly... I wish I had the words to explain the work that's going on in my heart. I can't quite describe it. Like, I can write about it, but I feel like unless you have had a similar work done in your heart you'd have no idea what I am talking about. You can think you know what it means, imagine what I must be referring to, but your ability to truly identify with what I have to say would be so limited in scope that it would be almost pointless to try. It's akin to being pregnant and giving birth... I have never done either, so I can try to imagine it based on what I know from study and observation and report, but until I do it myself I will never be able to relate to a new mom and truly understand what she means when she says to hold her child is inexplicable. This is how I feel about what is happening in me. No one but those who have been in this same place can begin to grasp what I mean and just as a woman who has never had a baby can only attempt to empathize with a new mom a person cannot understand this transformation.

I don't mean that in a harsh way... I just mean that what I am going to say may sound familiar, same ol' same ol', but the explosion of the gospel in my heart cannot be contained by mere words, nor could it even if my vocabulary were to be expanded one million fold. I am not seeking to alienate anyone, just trying to cast at least a shadow on the weight and gravity of what I am about to say.

So, I'll get to it.

I have been a Christian for 10 and a 1/2 years, fully believing that Jesus Christ died to take the punishment for my sins and restore me to relationship with God. That said... I feel that for 10 and a 1/2 years I have completely missed the point of Christianity, full-on blown it with regards to what the Gospel is. I was a Christian, for sure, but (and do forgive this horrible analogy) it's like I was a cheerleader who joined the cheer squad and stood there and did the routines, knew the cheers and believed that being a cheerleader is a great and wonderful thing to be, felt honored to have been chosen for the team, yet never understood that the point of a cheerleading squad is to LEAD the spectators in CHEERS so as to encourage them to be involved in the ____[insert various ball type] game. I have been a Christian yet missed the purpose in being one; I've cheered away but didn't realize that it's not about cheering, it's about engaging others in the ball game... and they are there for the ball game, not the cheerleaders, which is another crucial point I missed.

Here's the deal- this will get kind of theological. Some of you will go, "Ugh, Bible, gross." Others will start to skim, thinking, "I have heard all this before... blah blah blah, get to the stuff I don't know." I know this because I am the exact same way (on both accounts depending on the day, sadly) but I ask you to pause long enough to really read what I'm saying. It all needs to be a complete package and the personal stuff, the "stuff you don't know", will be meaningless on its own.

So here's the thing: God created everything that is in existence. He created humankind (man first, Adam, then woman, Eve) in His image. The world was perfect, and He loved the man and woman fully and completely, and they both walked with Him in complete trust of His goodness and awe of His might and power. Enticed by Satan, Even chose to disobey God and eat of the fruit, and Adam was right there with her and ate of it, too. This is how sin entered the world- basically, Adam and Eve succumbed to the temptation offered by the serpent to be like God, to know good and evil. In this, they chose to try and make themselves equal, even attempting to be superior, to God Himself. Long story short, ever since that horrible day humankind has made countless choices, as individuals, races, corporations, families, couples, etc., to try and be God. Thus the story of sin.

Most of you, whether you consider yourself a Christian or not, have heard this, and you're thinking, "Ok, so even if it's true... this is all pretty 'duh'. Four year olds in Sunday school hear this story." You're right- most of us have heard the story seemingly a gazillion times and we think we get it. I thought I did.

I really didn't.

See, God hates sin. He has every right to hate sin, because He's good. There is no evil in Him at all. He passionately loves every single human being- even the most deplorable one you can think of, even the most annoying person you have ever met- and He knew that mankind would choose sin. Our hearts are set constantly on evil, and we are enemies of God. God has wrath- full on hatred and punishment- for sin, and sin leads to death. As a result, Jesus Christ came to Earth, never sinned, and was killed by God on the Cross receiving the punishment and wrath of God for every sin ever committed- even the sin of rejecting that Jesus died for you, the sin of thinking that you are still God. Jesus received that punishment.

Again, this all sounds routine. I have believed this. But I missed the point- it's not some meaningless story to repeat from rote memory. I have never believed, nor even began to comprehend, the character of God.

See, God is good. Full on perfect. He is capital "L" Love. When He nailed Jesus to the Cross it wasn't because He is cruel. It was Love perfected and personified, allowing you and I the opportunity to have restored relationship with Him. The Father God so longs for relationship with you and me that He allowed Himself to live as a human, to identify with every pain and hurt and temptation and desire that you and I have as humans, and then to die the most atrocious death imaginable at that time.

Caveat here: how many people have you heard say stuff like, "That's just my cross to bear"?? It's BS! We have no idea what that even means. In our culture it would be akin to a girl whining about how her mother-in-law calls her son (thus, the girl's husband) every Saturday for an hour, and how it "ruins her life" and then she says, "Ah, well, that's just my Auschwitz, my Holocaust, to bear." Do you see the severity? Death by crucifix was meant to not just kill the person but completely humiliate them and annihilate their will to live, just as the Holocaust was a very intentional plan to crush the Jews in every way- physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, sexually, everything. There is not a single thing that you or I are facing in this life that we would liken to being our personal Holocaust, nor should we do as such with the Cross.

So the deal is that the gospel seems fairly simple- God made man(kind) perfect, man sinned, man hated God, but God still loved man completely but there was no possible way for man to be restored to relationship with God and so God died for man. Any man who believes this, that Jesus Christ was sinless and His death on the cross is the only way to be restored to relationship with God (and thus the only way to a: have purpose in this life and b: go to heaven) is redeemed, their sin forgiven, and they are a Christian.

Again... I thought I understood all this. And, to an extent, I did. But what comes after that? The Bible is pretty clear- we are still sinners. The only differences are that we now have the ability and option to not live enslaved to sin and that when we die and stand to face judgment from God for our sin Jesus Christ says, "No, this one is mine; judge Me instead." God sees that Jesus already received the punishment for sin via death on the cross, so we get to spend eternity in heaven.

It's tough because how then is life different? This is where I was tripped up. See, I saw life as me on a road to some fabulous destination. Like, the road I was on SUCKED and then I met Jesus and suddenly the road should get really smooth and wonderful because Jesus makes life perfect. All this time I have been continually frustrated by, if you will, the potholes and proverbial bumps in said road. Isn't Jesus supposed to fix this? The Bible speaks of love, joy, peace, power... on and on. So why does the road still suck and I never seem any closer to my destination of my ideal life?

I would submit that most Christians feel this way. If you aren't a Christian, don't believe the lie that if you accept Jesus then "everything will get better". It won't. The world is still filled with sin and you will still deal with sin others commit that hurts you, sins you commit that hurt you, the inexplicable pain and suffering that seems unrelated to sin (say, a flood destroys your home and one of your children die in the process)... all of this still happens. Salvation is not a magic wand that makes life easy.

What's the point, then, right? Why not live however I want and say eff off to God but then say a quick, "Oh, I believe in you, Jesus" right before I die? A: You don't know when you'll die B: You don't choose Jesus, He chooses you and C: When you are in relationship with Christ and truly grasp the meaning of the Gospel life doesn't get easy but it suddenly becomes inexplicably good.

The deal is, I've been stuck on C. I keep expecting easy, mistaking good to mean comfortable. In the process I have worshiped idols instead of God. He hasn't made life easier, so I've made my desires for an easier life into god and I have pursued them. I have been angry with God that my husband is losing his job despite being an incredibly hard worker... he works to honor God, so why isn't God honoring him? I've been angry with God that my addiction to food hasn't magically disappeared. I want to honor God by treating my body as a temple so why hasn't He changed my desires to let me do that?

The list is endless. I'm only just now realizing that I have been worshiping idols and thinking they are God. Yeah, I've written about idols before, but I thought that recognizing them was enough, that I just needed to realize what my sin issues were and then I could suddenly wave my Jesus wand and they'd start to diminish.

What I've failed to realize is that the problem is not my idols. My problem is not overeating. It's not laziness. It's not gossip nor being critical nor disrespecting my husband with my incessant need to be right nor my suffocating desire to be preferred, favorite, loved. None of those, nor the never ending list of all of my other sins, are my problem.

My problem is my theology. I don't have a correct view of God. I can see how God has been doing a work for over 8 months now, to bring me to the place where I am right in these last few days. God is truly good. He absolutely loves me. God is jealously passionate about me, and He has the right to be because He is the giver of life. The God of this universe is so in love with me that He nailed His own Son to a crucifix, poured all the fury and wrath He has toward sin out onto His own Son, His perfect Son who never sinned and was God Himself, simply so that I- truly the worst of all sinners, constantly choosing to be God's enemy and hating Him because I want to be God- might have the opportunity to enjoy a relationship with God the Father, both here on Earth for the quick exhale that is life and then for eternity in Heaven.

God is a Father. A perfect, good, loving Father. The Gospel author Luke says this in his book (The Gospel of Luke) in chapter 11, verses 11-13:

11 What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; 12 or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

The gravity of this never hit me before. I thought, "Meh, yeah, God's not a jerk.I get it. Whatever." But I have accused God of being a jerk! I have assumed that things I thought were bad (the loss of a job, sexual abuse, an emotionally closed-off and critical mother, my obesity, etc) were either a punishment from God for my sin or because He's a jerk who doesn't really love me. When I sinned, returning again and again to food for love and comfort like a dog returning to eat its own vomit, I blamed God- well, He's the one not taking my evil desires away. When I lashed out at my husband because deep down I don't believe that he really can get a good job that will provide for our family, I blamed God- YOU are the one who could stop ignoring Jason's efforts to honor you in his work ethic and not allowing him to get a job so, really, God, you are the reason I am so frustrated. Mind you, I never thought it so clearly in my head. I tidied it up with excuses like, "I don't want to be this way but I can't help it because [pick your poison-- a: it's who I am. b: I was hurt. c: I just want good things God, like raising Godly children and nothing ever works out for me! d: on and on...]"

What I am realizing, after almost 11 years of thinking I knew what it means to be a Christian, is that God truly is good. The Bible says that God disciplines those He loves (I think it's in Proverbs but my neck is cramping and I need to wrap up soon so you can Google it!), and while God does allow things to happen in my life, He is NEVER the cause of sin nor is He to blame when a trial He has brought into my life is the temptation that brought on my sin. Sin is bound up in my heart and every other human's hearts- we want to be like God. We think we are wiser, have a better plan, and know what's best for ourselves (and everyone else, mind you). God allows trials- from the sin of others to natural disasters to the consequences of our own sin to unprovoked suffering unrelated to sin, like an illness or loss of a child, to even blessing- in our lives because they are meant to drive us to our knees in recognition of our need to allow God to be our only God.

God is jealously pursuing us, trying to show us His character so that we will yearn for and desire Him, thus allowing Him to be our God. This is a good thing, because He is the only One who grants our lives meaning and peace and joy. Not of the cheesy balls variety, but of the kind that transforms a life such that the desire to sin, to try and be god, is lessened because we see the emptiness and death it brings. The non-Christian has no choice but to always choose sin. The Christian has a sinful heart but God also creates a new man with new desires, the desire to please God, the desire to worship, honor, and obey Him.

I've been so stuck because I've been trying to fix myself. I've focused so much on the "turning from" sin that I just turn to another sin. Rather, I need to focus on the "turning to" and turn to God. I can't even choose to turn to Him- this is a work that God is doing in me, allowing me to better understand His character and to finally desire to honor Him out of worship and not because I just wanted my problems fixed.

I feel like, despite all of these words, I've not even touched on the work the Lord is doing in me. But, for the first time in my Christian life, I'm starting to learn what it means to desire God, and it's not something I manufactured in an attempt to fix myself nor is it because someone else laid out the steps. It's true redemption. For the first time I am praying throughout the day not because I should, but because I actually long to be intimate with my Father, so share every thought with Him. I actually long to spend time in His word, to read it with fresh eyes and a soft heart, to meet with Him and hear from Him, and not because it's something I am supposed to do. I am seeking to serve my husband, not because it will make him feel like he has a good wife, but because it is my honor as his wife to serve him. I'm consistently asking God to make me aware of my own selfishness, not so I can feel like a good person, but because I have lived 27 years trying to make my life comfortable and easy and less painful and I've only been miserable... so I'm asking God to help me recognize and repent from my selfishness because I want to live for His glory.

I can boast in these things because I have nothing to do with it-- it's all due to the work of Jesus Christ, His grace in pursuing me, and His mercy in empowering me by the Holy Spirit to surrender.

This all does very much have to do with this here Foode Fight:

You might notice on the Foode Log that I've been on track as far as eating, even eating well under on my calories. There's no magic wand. I'm just discovering that as I cry out to Jesus in my desperate need for Him my desire to self-medicate, to bow down in idolatry to food for comfort and satisfaction, is revealed for the misery and death it is. I'm able to recognize the temptation, and to see that I can either choose sin or I can surrender to Jesus and believe that worshiping God is better than the sin. Jesus has been faithful to give me the power to surrender by the power of the Holy Spirit. He (the Holy Spirit) has allowed me to notice myself mindlessly putting a bite in my mouth, and had to work through the urge to go to the kitchen to eat when I first get home (from dinner, ironically), etc, and He's truly been a Helper in providing the way out of such temptations. My desires are changing- I desire Jesus Christ more than I desire sin.

Do you see the difference? I've been trying, for various reasons, to fix myself and stop overeating. I have been frustrated and have failed. This isn't a "before I thought I was trying but now I really get it!" post. I could still fail miserably. I could start to choose sin and hit the repeat button on my failure cycle. I pray, though that this is a time when I truly change, not so that I can lose weight, but so that I can begin to fathom how deep, how wide, how high the love of God really is, that I will believe His love is better than life (or food or security or escape or avoiding pain) and that I'll continue to know what it means to live the more abundant life-- Oprah's "Best Life" is a bunch of bunk. If that's the best you can get without Jesus, so be it, but the more abundant life has been long-sought after as a basis for a generic copy and it never works. The authentic model is the only one that does, and I pray I'll continue to pursue Jesus, that He will increase and I will decrease.

More will certainly come, and hopefully I'll be less exhausted (and, as such, more coherent) when it does. Until then, I pray you are well and that you are in amazement and awe of our Holy God.

Quickie

2009-01-12T08:54:00.000-08:00

Hola, chamos. I am just taking a quick second to check in; I have to leave for a doctor appointment (endocrinologist, which likely will just mean a bunch of testing and waiting on results) in five minutes and I'm still in my bath robe post shower. I didn't write all weekend, though, and I know a lot of you tend to check in when you get back to work on Monday mornings (tsk, tsk) and will wonder what's up.

I am really well. Jason and I started Redemption Groups this weekend (RG's are aimed at people struggling with habitual addictions and/or other patterns of destructive sin, with a focus on living out the Gospel to be free to walk in Christ... that's the short description!) and so we had a loooong weekend at the church. Honestly, I loved it- I didn't even grumble waking up at 7 something Saturday morning, because I was so looking forward to going back and continuing the work Jesus is doing in me. That said, it was intensely personal, deeply emotional, and heavily spiritual. Add in the long hours and I was just exhausted. I literally had a headache from crying, and I slept 12 hours Saturday night (9:30 pm to 9:30 am Sunday morning) not out of laziness or lack of sleep but sheer exhaustion.

All of that said, it was really amazing. The things Jesus is doing in me right now... I am not even sure how to describe it. I will, soon, but at the moment I need some processing time and wisdom in discretion, knowing what and how much to share.

I wish I could say more, but I recognize that isn't because I legitimately need to explain- it's my desire to win your approval by telling you but I know that is unnecessary. So, for now, I need to hop on the doctor train (aka put on clothes and drive my car to downtown Seattle) but I will do my best not to just turn silent as I process. And I'm still updating the Foode Log , so you can check that out, too!

I Wanna Feel The Car Crash...husband love, physical ailments, surrender to Jesus

2009-01-08T02:23:00.000-08:00

... 'Cause I'm dying on the inside

I wanna let go and know

That I'll be all right

All right.

[Car Crash, Matt Nathanson]

Part II

If you read yesterday's post then you know I was completely sobbing during the premier of The Biggest Loser: Couples last night. Seeing those people, their pain, brought a lot of my own pain to the surface.

Now, I have to be careful; I'm writing Part II only minutes after finishing Part I. I didn't feel well last night and I didn't fall asleep until 4 am, and I got up at 7:45. Now, don't feel too sorry for me because my baby J has been working 18 hours of physical labor on 3 hours of sleep a night. But the deal is, I'm really tired and overly emotional and when I get emotional like this I say stupid things I regret later, or I make commitments that I never keep. So, I'm going to be wise with my words.

I saw the contestants standing on that scale, reduced to tears over there they have allowed themselves to get physically. They know the shame, the rejection, the overwhelming pain of super morbid obesity. The thing is, I have this same deep pain. The rejection. The ridicule. The exhaustion of being constantly self-conscious, always aware of how others perceive you.

I remember being called "fat ass" by everyone from my dad, my grandma, my cousin (though, to be fair, that one was "thunder thighs" and said in front of my ENTIRE family at a family reunion), my mom, my friends, countless kids at school. My senior year I was voted friendliest and best laugh, among others... and, for a time, "biggest beer belly". The empathetic yearbook advisor nixed that one since everyone at school knew I was a Christian who had never touched a drop of alcohol... it was just a cruel way of calling me fat.

In college it was just as painful, just in a different form... it just turned into friends constantly trying to "help" me, subtly trying to tell me to change my eating habits and work out more but not offering to walk (literally, actually!) with me, just telling me what I should do differently. My college pastor's wife consistently telling me that I was being judged as spiritually immature since I was obese. Consistently being seen as an awesome friend but never considered a possibility for romance by my guy friends who cycled through crushes on most all of my friends. Most of the same stuff happened in TFA (though, I was kind of obnoxious, the whole, "I'm a Christian and you all need to be like me, you sinners" bit, so don't feel sorry for me. I sucked.).

I'm not saying they were bad people, my college and TFA friends; I wouldn't even say they did anything wrong. They're just people and relationships are messy even when we're well intentioned. I am saying that it hurt.

My point here is not to relive every hurt I've had. What's really sad is that lately I have become more and more of a hermit. Most of it is my health- it's really hard on me to be out and about, and even just nannying three days a week totally wipes me out. I'm already stressing that I don't have a free day until... Sunday the 18th. There's something- work, Dr. apts, church stuff, meetings with friends, etc.- every day between now and then. Those things wear me down.

But... even being home all of the time I don't do much. This is humiliating, but... I have a box of bills (that have been paid, praise God!) that I haven't filed in... I am so embarrassed to admit this... a year and a half. We moved into this apartment in June and I still haven't organized the closet. That's because nothing fits me and I never need to access my clothes so I just have disgusting piles overwhelming our closet. There are as-yet-to-be-unpacked boxes in the office (well, the office cubby in our bedroom) still. And Jason does about 90% of the housework. I basically cook, water the plants, and... actually, that's it. Just this last week I started taking over doing the dishes because I can't let Jason work this much and still do the housework.

Again, some of this really is because of my health. My back has never been the same since the herniated disk and some days I can barely walk. My feet and ankles ache so much that just walking to the bathroom makes tears smart the corners of my eyes. But I hide behind these excuses. The truth is, I have been spending countless hours bowed down in worship at the altars of comfort and escape. I've been hiding away in TV. I've been overeating. I've avoided reading my Bible because I fear the actual conviction from the Lord that says I must change. I don't believe God that He is more satisfying that comfort and escape.

What's really hard, the most painful thing to admit, is that I am lonely. Overwhelmingly, achingly lonely. I love and adore Jason, and it's not his fault- we just haven't really made any friends here in Seattle. We have a great community group but it hasn't produced any friendships outside of group, despite attempts on our part, and we're not going to force the issue. But I don't have anyone other than Jason to share my life with. It really hurts. I just really need a friend. We need friends, in a similar place in life. We don't have any married couple friends and I have no one I can really open up to. We have friends in Bothell from before we moved (20 minutes from Seattle, though it might as well be 20 hours because it's a completely different world) and we were really close to them. We try to be open and honest with our community group but there's only so much you can share without dominating the group, which isn't cool. Plus, if there is something we are doing to push people away that would probably be it, talking too much. Especially me.

Anyway... the loneliness is palpable, and it sucks. This isn't really because I'm obese- I don't believe that anyone is rejecting me / us because of my weight. But having no friends exacerbates the problem because I am so alone. I have tons of friends I stay in touch with who mean a lot to me, but that's not the same as having another couple to sit down to dinner and a bottle of wine with. It's not the same as being close with the wife, talking through things like respecting our husbands and living out the Gospel as a servant wife and the desire to have a baby even though it's not time. It's not the same because my husband and I sat alone on New Year's Eve, never invited anywhere so even though Jas was sick and exhausted from 22 hour workdays we couldn't even comfort ourselves with the fact that at least we were wanted somewhere.

I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I don't even feel sorry for myself. I'm just not sure where to proceed. I mean, you don't meet someone and go, "Hi, you're a great couple so now let's be best friends." Most people have friends and family and such already and to develop close bonds like that take time and can't be forced or manufactured. I am struggling though. It hurts to be so alone. Jason and I have even wondered if this is God's way of preparing us to move somewhere else, or to wonder if we're supposed to move to be closer to family, or what.

My obesity doesn't help- my involvement at church and ability to be uber social are pretty impaired by my size. But I hope that seeking Jesus, trying to just draw near to Him no matter what the day may bring over and over again every time I wake up, will provide comfort. I do want close friends but I know I need to just be patient and trust that Christ knows what He's up to.

So there is my honesty. I'm sorry if it's not super coherent- I'm trying to last 15 more minutes, until 12:30 am, so I can wake Jason up for work but I am tired that my body literally aches.

On a quick happy note, I finally got my Christmas presents from Jas! UPS was waaaaaaay behind, but I can't bash 'em since all of the overtime hours are helping ensure that we'll be able to pay our bills next month (Jason is losing his day job... I hadn't mentioned that before, but that's a tough one right now, too). I'm rather happy about "what brown can do for you". Anyway, I received a camera case and tripod for our new camera (if you don't recall, the camera was purchased with birthday money in a Black Friday deal), the Anne of Green Gables series, and two Calphalon pans to add to my growing collection (I have 4 now- sweet!). I asked for the first three things, but the pans were all him- I had mentioned wanting them and he remembered and bought them for me! So thoughtful :) Speaking of presents, we really need to mail all of the ones to the Missoula fam since we weren't able to go. Something else to put on my to do list... good thing my man works at UPS, yah?

I'm done now.

Until next time... hasta kids.

FYI

2009-01-07T22:56:00.000-08:00

Part II of my most recent post (I'm too tired to link it, but it's the entry right before this one so I think you can figure it out) will be up in a few hours, but I just wanted to check in and let you guys know that I updated the Foode Log . Boo-yah.

Sooooo tired... only slept 3 hours the last two nights in a row... must try to fall asleep before the "I'm so tired that I can't fall asleep" syndrome hits.

Happy almost Friday!

Who Was I To Make You Wait?

2009-01-06T21:47:00.000-08:00

[Far Away, Nickelback]

Truth time.

I'm sitting here watching The Biggest Loser, and I'm sobbing. Not a little teary eyed. Tears streaming down my face SOBBING. The thing is... I have a lot of thoughts so I am breaking this into two parts.

Part I

I'm not sure what it is, exactly. I mean, I've seen... 4 of the seasons? I've been encouraged and heartbroken and inspired and convicted before, but tonight it just hit me-- I'm killing myself. Literally killing myself. Every time I eat something that I shouldn't, every "one more bite" or "just a little bit won't be that many calories and it takes 3,500 to make a pound" and every other sick excuse I make is one more step toward my grave.

I've been thinking more and more about public perception of fat people, morbidly obese people. I'm not talking about the person battling a pesky 10 or 15 or even 50 pounds- I'm talking about people who are at least 100 pounds overweight, or, in my case, 210 pounds overweight. We are ridiculed. We are seen as disgusting. There are people who literally wish people as fat as I am would die because they are so visually assaulted when I am in their range of view.

Ricky Gervais, the creator of the original Office (you know, the British one), has recently come under both praise and fire (though quite a lot of praise, which is sad) for his comments basically calling fat people "lazy f-----g pigs" who are too lazy to "go for a run". It's self-deprecating, because he also says that he's too fat and maybe it people would quit being so politically correct and just call him fatty then maybe it would shame him into losing some weight. You can read the article if you want, but that pretty much sums it up.

A simple Google search will reveal oodles of forums where people essentially say things ranging from "leave fat people alone" to reiterating the idea that all fat people should just die. And you know what? It sucks. It sucks that my humanity is reduced to the size of my ass. It sucks that there are people who literally feel hate in their heart when they see me because I'm so fat.

You know, though, I need not worry so much about what they think. Truly, Jesus Christ judges hearts and I am not even remotely responsible for what other people think of me. I can't concern myself with that. What sucks more than any of that are all of the limitations I put on myself.

If I'm being truly honest with you, and forgive the play on words here, my efforts to lose weight recently have been half-assed. I haven't really been trying that hard. I cling to the fact that I eat better than I did a year ago, that I am more active, and I'm frustrated that I weigh the same. But I need to pull my head out because I am not actually trying and I need to stop BS'ing myself- I have to take this seriously.

So why don't I? I know what I want- to have a life, to be a better wife and to be able to be a mom and to not feel limited to hiding out in my house because being out in public is a: exhausting and b: too emotionally trying. I say I want that but I don't do anything about it.

Even more truth: this morning I decided I need to start entering food into the Foode Log again. And... just about once an hour I decided not to do it. And then I would log the food into an e-mail, and then by the end of work at 6 I was certain I would post it. But then... while making dinner there weren't enough potatoes left for two meals worth but really too many for one meal... did I think, "Oh, I'll just make a healthy amount and save the rest for when we buy more"?

Of COURSE not. I made- and we ate- them all. Ridiculous. But I then determined that I would not post the Foode Log because I don't want to be accountable. I want to talk the talk of losing this weight but live my life the same way and keep killing myself because I love my idols of comfort and (false) security more than I love Jesus, more than I love my husband, more than I love anyone. It's sad, too, because while gastric bypass may be the tool that spurs me on to losing this weight I've definitely seen a bit of a paradigm shift, mentally. Thoughts like, "I may as well eat this because once I have gastric bypass I won't be able to so I should enjoy it now...." have crept in. So I just stay here, caught in the middle... wanting to change but doing nothing about it. Or, at very best, a nominal amount.

I do realize a major problem here, though- I am doing the typical "Christian" thing. I want to wait until I feel inspired enough to be perfect, ready to make that commitment for real this time, and then I'll start letting myself be made accountable to everyone who reads my blog (and the number is growing by the day!). But as I think about the Gospel- the real, true Gospel, where Jesus is perfect and I am constantly jacking things up but He chooses me, He cancels out my sin, He loves me, and He gives me the ability to be different, to rely on His Holy Spirit to no longer have to try and fix myself but to let Him transform me- I realize that I don't have to keep living this way.

I have been scared to "recommit", to make the big announcement that I'm going to get with it and be different. I say scared because I fear failing again. I keep saying, whilst on a spiritual / emotional high, that "This is it! Really, guys, this time, this is it!", hoping that will be enough for me to finally actually follow through. But that's not the Gospel. It's not about me deciding to change and then, the second I realize yet again that I am not perfect, giving up. The Gospel is Jesus deciding to work on me if I will let Him, and when I fail Him then allowing Him to pick me up and keep me going.

So... I'm going to suck up my pride, admit that I can't do this alone, and start being honest about what I am eating and how much and if I am exercising. With that I have to work on my spiritual life, because a few times today I wanted to go eat and I thought, "Am I really hungry? No? Then Jesus, help me choose you and not food", and I didn't eat. Other times I shoved those things aside and ate. This is, as always, a spiritual battle. It's not merely about "willpower" or "determining" to be different. It's about believing Jesus Christ that He is fully satisfying, the Living Water that will quench my thirst and I'll never need to long for sewage water offered in ample supply by my idols ever again.

So... I know this is long, so thank you if you're still tracking, but my Foode Log is updated and I will do my best to rely on Jesus and keep allowing Him to teach me what it really means to live and love His Gospel of redeemed and changed life. I appreciate prayers and support, and I hope that Jesus is the one who gets the glory.

Hasta, kids.

You Know Just What You Are

2009-01-05T00:33:00.000-08:00

[Womanizer, Britney Spears]

Understand, please, that I'm not so much a BritBrit fan. For some reason that stupid song is stuck in my head- that's the thing with her songs-- they have very catchy choruses repeated over and over. You can have never intentionally listened to one of her songs and yet know 75% of the lyrics and the craptastic song gets in your head and it just doesn't leave. Maximum lameness.

So I've been thinking about something- I'm on kind of a Friends kick, recording old episodes on my DVR, and one of the recent episodes (I watched it today) was a "flashback" episode to where Monica was supposedly fatter than fat. The closing scene is her dancing around and it's supposed to be insanely hilarious to watch this fake-fat woman dance, and she falls down and can't get up because she's so fat. All the while the fake audience is beside them there fake selves with uproarious laughter.

It's all ok, you know, because she's not fat anymore. But I wondered, as Courtney Cox the actress flopped around and blatantly ridiculed obese people, how Courtney Cox the person felt about that. I mean, she's mainly criticized for being too thin, but she seems like a pretty down to earth person who wouldn't think it terribly tasteful to make fat people feel even more horrible about themselves. The producers of the show clearly didn't care, as they milked the "Monica used to be fat" storyline for 10 years. They must have delighted in the irony, being that Courtney Cox is ridiculously thin.

It's just kind of sad. I mean, it's kind of depressing to watch the show and have one of those scenes where the punchline is "Monica used to be REALLY fat" and then they cut to a flashback and "fat Monica", the one so huge that we laugh purely at the absurdity, and even in the fatsuit I have a solid hundred pounds on her. Particularly sad is that the actress is so thin that they can't make her look as fat as I am. And then it hits me- to Hollywood and the average viewer I am a joke. A big, fat joke.

The good news is that, while I truly want to lose this weight and get my life back (or at least be able to restart it), I'm decently comfortable in my own skin. I know who I am, I know whose I am, and I know what I'm about. But, to be quite blunt, I've been toying around with some ideas for a novel, and with that I've been trying to imagine how I might view the world were I not in a decently healthy place regarding my self-image.

Putting myself in that place, seeing fake-fat former-Monica falling to the ground and unable to lift her fake-fat self up, with a faux audience lost in riotous laughter, and viewing the scene as a mockery of anyone like "myself", I was pretty disturbed. What a tragedy. I know many young girls, 15-18, who are tortured in high school and convinced that they are worthless humans because they are obese. This is carried into their adult years and they get into craptastic relationships with worthless guys who treat them terribly and everywhere they look they are reminded that thin = worthy of love and fat = worthy of loathing. It makes my heart ache.

I am once again reminded that Jesus alone can take such a broken heart and make it whole, and only Christ can heal the wounds this world wages on young women's souls. Even if said obese teens lose weight they still carry the internal scars, still look in the mirror and see a worthless fat person because they can never be thin enough, and their worth continues to be determined by their exterior and it's all empty and meaningless.

So, while I need to tell myself no when the desire to eat mindlessly or to feed the beast deep within arises, ultimately I need to remember what it means to actually know Christ and live out the gospel. 'Tisn't easy but I need to stay the course.

And that's that.

Hasta, kids.

Sweet!

2009-01-03T22:31:00.000-08:00

Nothing of real consequence to write about, so I'll keep it simple--

Today I weighed in just to check, and I was down to 363.4!! That's 4.3 pounds since Thursday- I think that I was just carrying a lot of sodium and such from eating the gluten fest around Christmas. So this is good.

That's all I have to say.

Happy weekend!

I Always Got By On My Own

2009-01-01T16:06:00.000-08:00

[Alone, Heart]

So... it's the first of the month . Let alone the first month of a new year.

Sadly... my weigh-in was much higher than my last posted weigh-in.

367.7

That's up 10.2 pounds from November 1 and a net gain of .2 pounds since I started way back in January of 2008 (as in, last year). Sad day.

Totally sucks. But, that said, at least a few of those pounds are artificial- I forgot to weigh-in before eating breakfast, so I had a few gluten free pancakes, 2 eggs, and a glass of milk, plus some water in my belly. Also, I'm PMS'ing and that always leads to a few pounds. Still... at least 4-7 of those pounds are actual gain. Like I said, totally sucks.

Still... I'll be ok. I have to press on and not feel sorry for myself, not eat because "I'm such a fattie so I guess I'll just start tomorrow", not give up. So I'm pressing on.

I'm gonna update the Progress Tracker but I can't do measurements because I seem to have lost my measuring tape. Every time I organize clutter I seem to think each thing's "place" is somewhere different from the last time and then I can't find anything... thus I cannot find it. Such is life. I will work on finding it before my February 1 weigh-in... a month should be enough time ;)

Happy 2009, kids!

First Post Of 2009 - Tami Grows A Pair

2009-01-01T00:27:00.000-08:00

So here's the deal-- one of my messed up identity issues in my life for a very long time (most of high school and all of college and TFA) has been wanting to be thought of as the girl with an amazing voice. Like, I know I don't compare to Celine or Mariah or even Pink, but to be one of the best singers a person has actually met and knows in person has truly been an ambition of mine. I pretend I don't care, that I'm just cool with who I am and if people like my voice, then, you know, nice bonus, but it's no biggie.

Yah, right.

So here's the deal- one of my secret habits is to get on the webcam and record myself singing when I'm bored. My poor husband woke up at 10:30 last night (Tuesday night, though today is now technically Thursday but I don't care!), worked for 17 hours straight, and he has a really nasty cold and has been coughing up bloody phlegm. Ick, I know. Needless to say, he took a nap after dinner for a few hours, and until I woke him up at 11:30 I was massively bored. I could have replied to some e-mails (sorry, Kels) but instead I messed around with the webcam.

I started singing I'm Not Alright by Sanctus Real (click the link to the music video for the song... you'll see, they are much better than I was! Great song!! Hard to sing though!), and I have always loved that song, but suddenly the lyrics just overwhelmed me and I was like, "I'm going to go post a vlog about how this song is so profound to my circumstances and general overall life." Then I had a stroke of stupidity / genius (take your pic)-- I shoud SING the song in the vlog.

So... I did. I talk about how singing makes me nervous, yada yada yada, and while earlier I recorded a take of the song where I didn't sound half bad (objectively, it is a very difficult song to sing!) suddenly I was an octave higher and a little shaky and pushing the notes harder and to be honest, it doesn't sound great.

But you know what? I don't care. So what if I don't have the greatest singing voice ever? Who cares? And even if I can sing better than this video shows, big whoop! I'm figuring out how to be truly comfortable in my own skin, to embrace the talents God has given me as they are, and to have my identity be in Christ and not some tangental part of my being.

Now, before I embed the vlog, I have to say that I was feeling brave but then I showed it to Jason (he was awake for all of like 25 minutes before passing back out, and I'm not sure how I'm going to coerce him to leave the couch and go back to our bed! Seriously, he's one sleepy dude.) and the whole time I was cringing and kept saying things like, "Oh man, I suck. That sounds terrible! Eek! Listen! I sound like I'm just yelling! Oh man, this is terrible. I should delete. Do you think I should take it down? I'm nuts. Oh man, what will people think?"

Real ballsy, Tam. Pshaw.

Wonderful Jason said, simply, "Tami, stop it. Your voice is beautiful. You are beautiful." I kind of melted then and decided to get over myself and just share it with you all. (As an aside, he also said, "If you're so nervous then why'd you do it? Sheesh." but you know, that's kind of the point)

So, I'm getting over myself and sharing this latest (maybe not so much) greatest vlog with you. There are some funny moments, and to be honest I kind of crack myself up. Seriously, nothing in this vlog was planned, other than I knew I'd sing part of the song. That was it. Not that that excuses the horrible screeching parts, but, you know, i'z all good. I'm honestly not looking for anything here, not too worried about impressing (or depressing, as the case may be!) you. I'm just taking another step toward getting over myself, that whole being real bit.

Love ya all, happy 2009, and, for the love, have a little mercy on me. Kidding- I hope you enjoy my "balls" ;)

Where Are You Now?

2008-12-31T18:46:00.000-08:00

[The Mixed Tape, Jack's Mannequin]

I'm not one much for New Year's resolutions. For one, no one keeps them. At least, I sure don't. Secondly, what's so special about January 1? Yeah, yeah, the calendar demarcates a new year, meh. That's just us being stuck in our narrowly-linear ways.

I'm just as capable of setting my mind to change my ways on August 18th as I am January 1. I'm just saying. I have no problem with other people making resolutions, it's just not my thing.

That said, December 31 is a good day to take a look back, to see the growth, and to be grateful for all that the Lord has done and is doing. His work is very un-linear; rather, it's cyclical and I am always amazed at the ways I change and yet am so much the same with so very far to go. It's encouraging, though, and I'm grateful in the most profound way, because I don't have to be the same selfish, critical, slug of a woman that I've been.

So, that said, here's a look at all that happened (well, condensed for lack of time, space, and desire) in the grand ol' year of 2008:

- I started this blog in late January

- With that, I began my most genuine attempt to truly wage battle with my obesity

- I became a member of Mars Hill Church (March)

- I severely injured my back* (herniated disk, torn tissues, etc) and had to quit my full time job (beginning of June)

*The stuff about my back starts at the bottom of the page when you click on the link... if you care, start there and work your way up :)

- I moved to Seattle! With my husband, of course. Best. Thing. Ever. I LOVE Seattle! (middle of June)

- I started my new job as a nanny to the cutest boy ever (until I have my own sons, at least!) (middle of August)

- I celebrated one year of marriage to my incredible husband!! (September 7)

- I turned the big 2-7! (October 16th, boo-yah)

- I started the process of pursing RNY gastric bypass (early December)

- The best thing is the work God did in helping me realize and begin to put to death some of my biggest idols.

I hope things continue to change, that I keep changing- may Christ become more and I become less.

Black And White Didn't Fit Ya

2008-12-30T03:51:00.000-08:00

[All We Are, One Republic]

Part 2 of 2

As I said in yesterday's post I had a bad eating week. I can blame it on it being Christmas, or the bummer of not getting to go be with family, or my suspicions that PMS was peaking, but my eating sucked. The most exercise I got, other than a few jaunts to the store with Jas, was walking from my bed to my chair to the bathroom to my chair to the kitchen to my chair and back to bed. My apartment is only like 700 sq feet so that's not very far at all. The point is that last week sucked, and I'm feeling bloated and disgusting and irritated at yet another setback.

The deal is, I'm not crazy about all aspects of the show, but I was watching Ruby tonight and found myself rather inspired by her success. She's lost 100 pounds, and though she can be kind of whiny and irritating, she's not quitting. I don't really whine so much... I just quit. And then restart. And then quit again. It's exhausting and I'm sure it's irritating to you all.

I've not got it all worked out, but I'm not giving up. That's why I'm being honest about eating horribly for the last week. If I said nothing, and just wrote ambiguously, I could get fatter and stop doing weigh-ins and have a weight loss blog where I never concretely write about weight loss, just abstract ideas about what it means to me to be fat and what I hope being thin would be like.

I'm not into the whole "visualize to realize" movement. I think it's a bunch of crap. That said, when I can't fall asleep at night I've started to try and actually imagine what my life will be like if I lose this weight. There's one image that comes back to me again and again. I can't quite see my face, but I imagine myself trim and fit, athletically so, maybe 150-160 pounds, dressed in a cute workout clothes. You know, something like this , that sporty gal you see at the grocery store and scope out her cart because maybe if you buy and eat what she does you might get to look like her. I doubt I'd be that skinny, but still... I could definitely see myself wearing cute workout gear like that. I can only try to imagine having an actual space between my thighs!

But I digress... so anyway, I imagine myself looking cute, with my hair in a pony tucked into a baseball cap, all iPod'ed up, taking my baby for a jog around Green Lake in my sweet B.O.B. Revolution stroller . That is my fantasy- to be fit enough to have a baby, to be healthy enough to take him jogging, and to do something that literally thousands of mothers take for granted. I'm not pretending that fantasizing makes it real, but it does remind me, imagining how good it would feel to realize that fantasy, that the work will so be worth it.

It's an oft abused cliche, but there's that saying that "Nothing tastes as good as being fit feels" and I think it's totally true. If I lost this weight, and weighed 140 pounds and was fabulously trim and fit and felt incredible, and eating one slice of chocolate cake would balloon me back up to 360 pounds, cartoon style, I would never eat that slice of cake, or that cookie, or that plate full of buttery stuffing. I'd remember the labor it took to work those pounds off and I'd say no way, none of it is worth it.

It's harder, though, to already be here, to work so hard and not see results. If I could magically be 140 pounds, on the condition that even one bite of chocolate would blow me back up to 360, believe you me- I'd say buh-bye to the chocolate. But it's harder to see that, the whole "This cake is keeping me at heifer range" bit, when I'm still here. This is why I self-destruct when I do lose weight. In the last five years I've lost a collective 250 pounds- 40 here, 60 there, 5 here, 30 there, 10 here, 25 there. The problem is that one bite, one slice, one cake didn't shoot me back up to where I started (and beyond). Collectively, though, over time, the pounds found their way onto my girth. I sit here, wanting to lose weight but struggling to believe that it will work and I can be different and, if I'm being honest, that Jesus really does give me the strength to overcome, that His love is better than life and He can actually be fully satisfying, more than any triple fudge cake with dark chocolate cream cheese frosting ever could.

Still... you know the thing about fantasy fit jogging mama Tami? She's happy. Her life's not perfect, but she's both physically and emotionally and spiritually out from under the hundreds of pounds of excess weight. It reminds me of how, in high school, when I was feeling fatteriffic at 200 pounds, my best friend told me that she had a dream about me, and in it I was thin and I was really, really happy. It was kind of prophetic, really, and I know it's true- I won't have a perfect life when I'm thin, but I'll be out of prison. It will be scary new territory to try and navigate, for sure, kind of like Brooks in The Shawshank Redemption (best. movie. ever.) but I won't have to kill myself (see the movie, or google it, if that made no sense). I'll be free from prison but ready to start a new, better life.

So I'm clinging to Jesus, and holding onto fantasy fit jogging mama Tami. I like to imagine her ponytail swishing side to side, as her feet bounce of the asphalt in that great jogging rhythm as her baby takes in the beauty that is Green Lake from the comfort of his sweet stroller. I like to see her smiling, humming along to her best ever iPod playlist, and I like to know that she's free and happy.

Truly, I can't wait to meet her. I must remember this when I go for my next walk and want to kill myself because it's been three weeks and my body is in rebellion. Fantasy fit jogging mama Tami is totally worth it.

Unabashed Plug

2008-12-29T04:23:00.000-08:00

This is an interruption to parts 1 and 2 of my most recent weight loss thoughts.

An interim, or intermission, if you will.

I created a Wish List on Amazon . There's not really a ton on there yet, save for some shows (read: two shows. Friends and SATC.) that I want. But I am sharing it because, hey, you never know- one of you might read my blog and think, "Man, I am just really feeling like I need to experience some super saver shipping on Amazon but my purchase only comes to $12. Oooh! I know! I'll add Friends season 3 and send it to Tami to go with her first and second seasons!"

Probably not.

A girl can always hope ;)

Tried To Paint You A Picture- The Colors Were All Wrong

2008-12-29T01:28:00.000-08:00

[All We Are, OneRepublic]

Part 1

This ended up being hella long so I'm breaking 'er up into two parts, one posting now in the wee hours of Monday morning and the second scheduled to post tomorrow (Tuesday. Duh.). Because I love you and I know you get exhausted sometimes, what with me being so verbose and all. You can't say I never did anything for you.

***

So... the last week, eating wise... not so good.

For one, the last few posts were written before I knew we'd be stuck in Seattle over Christmas. Which wasn't entirely terrible. I mean, Jas became a guitar hero and I fully discovered Hulu.com (LOVE it, btw). It was a bit too sad to go through each one and edit them to read that I wrote them ahead of time, in prep for a holiday with fam, but that we had to stay home alone yet again. Last year we were shunned from the family function (long story that I'm not privy to tell here on-line for the whole world to read) and spent Christmas and New Year's just the two of us in our apartment. That's not a terrible thing, don't get me wrong, but it's lonely.

So, anyway, I just didn't want to go through my pre-written posts and edit out the "we're with family!" stuff. I just left them. And I'm fixing it now, you know, by telling you again that I was actually here the whole time even though the scheduled posts from the last few days say otherwise. But you get it so I'll move on.

So here's what we did do- we said to heck with gluten free and bought a ham, potatoes, stuffs for green bean casserole, sausage and such for tasty stuffing, and the makings for a birthday cake for Jesus. No, really. It's kind of a cool tradition, with candles and such to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. Sounds cheesy, I'm sure, but it's a cool way to keep the focus where it needs to be.

The issue is that we ate an entire cake in four days. I ate 7 out of twelve pieces in four days. Not healthy. We ate about 75% of the ham in four days (the rest is on the bone, in the freezer, to eventually make split pea soup- yummy!). All of the stuffing. The green bean casserole. And a Costco sized pizza. And had fast food twice.

There was never any real bingeing in my part, no uncontrollable eating, no stuffing in of the food. But it was a lot of food, spread out though it was, and many calories were consumed in a short period of time. Much more so than in a normal week, and definitely more processed and high sugar and fatty foods. Ick. I'm scared to weigh myself. But I will. On January 1st I will weigh myself, and I'll quit wussing out and missing weigh-ins. I did drop to a low of 354 this month, which is nice, but I am sure I am way over that right now.

The truth is, I feel gross. I don't feel good. The food seems like it will be lovely, and as I eat it, the taste is great and comforting and satisfying. But then... I feel disgusting. Like, one day I ate 3 pieces of cake and fistfuls of ham and tons of other crap that made me feel like... crap. When I ate it the food seemed so good but was it worth it?

There's this episode of Sex and the City where Miranda is trying to lose the ominous baby weight, so she goes to a Weight Watchers meeting. She meets a guy while there, and they end up, after a few meetings, going out to a diner where they split an original glazed Krispy Kreme donut. Miranda eats her half, moaning in ecstasy, and says, "See, this is worth it. This is worth being fat for." Or something to that effect.

The deal is... for her, at like 20 pounds overweight, it probably is. But when you weigh 350+ pounds it's not really.

Did you know that I'm so obese that it puts intense pressure on my bladder and I suffer from some level of incontinence (not impotence!). Yeah. Like, when I have to pee, I have to pee NOW. I usually can't get my pants down fast enough and, to be totally vulnerable here, I've had a small leak a few times. I don't full on piss myself, but enough escapes that I have to change my underwear. It's actually kind of common in morbid obesity.

Why does no one tell you that? "Hey, by the way, don't be 200 pounds overweight because you'll have bladder control located somewhere between a fully gestated 40-weeks pregnant woman and oops! I just laughed but thank the good Lord for Depends! 73-year old Aunt Mildred."

Just saying. Maybe I would have paid a little more attention as the pounds began to pile on.

There are other unpleasant things. You know, the getting exhausted just going grocery shopping and being completely worn out from spending 9 hours a day with a 1 year old (one year old! Brody turned one the 23rd, just before Christmas). The lack of creative possibilities in the marital bliss department (you know you get that, don't scoff). The utter disgust I feel when I see my reflection in the turned-off TV when I'm sitting in my chair. The way I feel like my stomach pulls me around instead of me actually carrying it as I walk.

Really, though, it's just frustrating. The renewed dedication, the commitment to truly change, and then the next round of, "So, I really sucked it hard this last week" that usually corresponds to my most recent bout with PMS. It's exhausting. Really, something's gotta give.

To be continued...

Could You Whisper In My Ear?

2008-12-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

[Slide, Goo Goo Dolls]

On with tasty gluten free recipes!

#2 Homemade Vodka Sauce with Grilled Chicken over Pasta

This sauce was INCREDIBLE. I based it off of this find online; I actually followed the recipe on this one, though I'll adjust it to be healthier in the future. I won't go through the steps of how I made the sauce, since I followed the recipe online. That said, here's a pic of the ingredients I used:

The only thing not pictured (I think, since it was over a week ago) was the butter because it was melting on the stove when I took this pic. Oh, and the chicken. It was just two regular boneless, skinless chicken breasts from a bag you can get in the freezer at Costco :) I just put on a little freshly ground salt and pepper, scored the chicken to help it cook evenly (that just means I cut slits into the chicken about a 1/4 of an inch thick), and then grilled 'em on our grill pan .

Once the (not so good in texture... overly mushy though I cooked them for the appropriate amount of time!) noodles were done I put the sauce over the top, added the sliced up chicken breast, and sprinkled on some tasty parm. Yummy!

Two things: we only used 1/2 the sauce, so the next night I grilled up a little shrimp, added in the leftover sauce, and then put that over some rice. We realized that we love rice, it's super cheap to buy a huge bag from Costco, and we're just going to start replacing noodles with rice. The noodles just sort of ruined the first dish... I mean, the sauce was amazing, but the noodles not so much.

That said, it's so pretty! Here's an alternate view:

Secondly, next time I'm going to try using olive oil instead of butter and 1/2 and 1/2 instead of heavy cream. But if it doesn't thicken up right then I'll just suck it up and eat in moderation, because if making a recipe healthy makes it gross then what's the point in eating that? Dumb.

All right- onto the last one!

#3 BBQ Chicken w/ Homemade BBQ Sauce over Rice

The biggest bummer, honestly, has been that we discovered this amazingly tasty BBQ sauce at Costco called Sweet Baby Ray's. It has a chance of cross-contamination, which means it doesn't specifically have gluten but the plant where it's made does and could cause traces of gluten to get into the sauce, so... no Sweet Baby Ray's for us :(

That said, don't feel sorry for us because I made my own BBQ sauce and it was amazing! I'm going to use measurements below, but those are estimates... I like to cook ninja style and make things up on my own!

First, I melted 2 TB of butter over medium heat. Then I added about a cup of ketchup, a squirt of lime juice, 3/4 cup of water, 1 TB yellow mustard, 1 ts worcestershire sauce, 2 ts liquid smoke, 3 TB brown sugar, salt, pepper, a dash of paprika, cumin, and chipotle powers and... actually, I think that was it!

I stirred constantly until it started bubbling, and then I reduced the heat to low and stirred occasionally for about 10-15 minutes. Once the oven preheated to 375 I put in the chicken, poured over the sauce, covered it with aluminum foil, and baked it for 30 minutes with the skin side of the chicken up. Then I removed the foil, sprinkled on a little brown sugar (to create a wee bit o' crispyness! Mmmmm!), and baked it with the foil off at 400 for 20 more minutes. We have a meat thermometer and the internal meat temp was 170 F- perfect!

I put it over rice and it was delicious! I'll admit, though, that after I took this pic I poured over some of the extra sauce in the pan... it's just not as pretty :) Tasty, though.

And, with that, the great "I'm not really here but I'm posting more than I ever do when I am here!" fest of 2008 is over. May the next post be me actually home, not a scheduled post ;)

This Love Is Difficult...

2008-12-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

... but it's real.

[Love Story, Taylor Swift]

Gluten Free recipes, part 1 of 2

I love- LOVE- my husband.

As most of you know, he recently found out that gluten causes horrible lesions on his skin. I mean, he knew about the lesions, he just didn't know they were because of gluten.

Because I love my husband, I chose to make our kitchen gluten free.

At first it was exciting- new, different life. Food was a foreign object, all fresh and interesting and different. Who'd ever heard of sweet sorghum flour? Not this one. I discovered polenta and creative ways to replace sandwiches- like putting all of the sandwich ingredients in big, organic, leafy lettuce and making tasty crispy wraps.

But then... then things got ugly. The raved about local gluten free pizza was... ick. I mean, everything was good but the crust. I miss my favorite Oroweat Oatnut bread. The gluten free mix for our Sunday-brunch-tradition pancakes (yay for having church at 5pm!) is flat and has weird texture. And gluten free noodles? Blech. They always end up either too chewy or too mushy and nasty.

I just want a piece of pizza. Normal, full on wheaty-crusted pizza. A piece of Oatnut bread toast. Normal ol' Krusteaz mix pancakes. And noodles- good, tasty whole-wheat noodles.

I've been feeling a little sorry for myself, if you can't tell. Making the gluten sacrifice for a loved one sounds noble, really, it does, but it's not so glamorous.

That said... here are some really tasty things I made in recent weeks, stuff that reminds me that gluten free doesn't have to mean gross. I'll keep adjusting my attitude and remembering that I love Jesus, I love my husband, and gluten isn't that important.

Though, to quote a comedian I heard this week, "I tried gluten free bread at Thanksgiving. I don't know what gluten is, but apparently it's DELICIOUS!!"

Loved that, and Jason busted up, too :)

Anyway- the foode! Enjoy!

#1 Polenta Casserole

We went to a potluck for church recently (not church wide... our church isn't all cheeseball like that! It was for a small ministry within the church that we're a part of) and I brought this to ensure that my J baby would have something to eat!

It's loosely based on this recipe , though I did a lot differently. Here's a pic of the ingredients I used:

If anything is missing, sorry! So here's what I did- I browned up some chicken Italian sausage. I added onion and garlic, chopped up the two zucchini and put 'em in, and then put in the marinara sauce and spinach. On the side I boiled water and made the polenta according to the linked recipe. That's actually the only way I followed that recipe, actually! I put the goat cheese (it was about half the container) into the polenta to create a tasty creaminess. I mixed the polenta and marinara together, topped it with some cheddar, and then baked it at 375 F for about 20 minutes.

It was delicious! Not like "good for gluten free", but actually GOOD. Me gusta :)

I'll post recipes 2 and 3 in the next post; I'm prewriting it (today's December 23 but I'm anticipating being gone for Christmas) so I'll have it post tomorrow, the 28th, in the morning. Hopefully I'll get home safely tomorrow night and I'll be able to post a quick "we're home and we're safe and warm!" message upon arrival!

Hasta, kids!

If Heaven And Hell Decide...

2008-12-26T08:00:00.000-08:00

... That they both are satisfied
   Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
   If there's no one beside you
   When your soul embarks
   Then I will follow you into the dark

[I Will Follow You Into The Dark, Death Cab For Cutie]

I obviously don't agree with the theology of this song, what with the ideas of how one ends up in heaven and hell and if we can decide to just follow loved ones to either place (I'm pretty sure Jesus has something to say about that), but I do like the sentiment.

I realized, sitting here on Christmas Eve Eve and pre-writing some blog posts, that I've been on a sweet husband kick. Not that there's anything wrong with that- I love my husband! Even though, to be quite honest, last night I was so mad at him that I slammed the bedroom door and then threw his bottle of lotion (his poor hands get HORRIBLY cracked in this winter weather when he has to work outside, you know, his whole pool job... good thing that job ends with the coming of February... bummer that the Lord hasn't seen fit to allow Jas to find another job yet... faith is stretching believe you me.) at said bedroom door, breaking the cap in the process. I can say, though, that he honestly did nothing wrong in that one- he just asked me a question, and it hit a scary-anger button and I just really wanted to throw things. I've only had that anger hit me three times in our marriage, and twice in this last week.

I hate that I am admitting this, but I don't want anyone to get the idea that my life is purely perfect marital bliss.

To be honest, sometimes Jason's an asshat.

Sometimes I'm a complete bitchazoid.

The deal is, sinner + sinner = well... lots and lots of sin.

The good news is there's always plenty for Jesus to redeem ;)

Needless to say, I have a lot of maturing to do. My dad was a very angry man when I was a child / teen, and sometimes I would literally sit on my bed and seethe in hatred, vowing to never be like him. You know, that whole self-righteous bit. I had some rather unpleasant corporal punishment- spankings when I was a kid and then a few what my family called "bitch slaps" when I was a teen- but I don't remember my dad ever throwing things. So... while I don't hit people, my angry heart seeking to destroy is, at it's core, no different. You can argue that a broken lotion cap is a different thing from a child's wounded soul, and you'd be right, but the perpetrator will still face judgment for sin in either case and, compared to Jesus, neither comes out looking so good.

What's amazing is that time, distance, and I'm pretty sure some anti-depressants have done a lot of repair to my relationship with my dad. I've grown up, gained wisdom, and while his actions weren't ok, I understand him better. I'm able to focus on why he's so angry- it's not my story to tell, and as long as he's alive I wouldn't dare divulge it via blog, but trust me when I tell you that if you think of a person you actually know who has had an absolutely shitty life (I'm sorry if that word offends... I'll go on a mini-rant about that later) my dad's was as bad, if not worse. He was really just set up to be an angry and bitter man, and instead of hating him I feel a lot more compassion. I see the deep, deep scars and pain that turn a happy and innocent kid into an adult who suppresses everything and trusts no one.

What's amazing to me is that, for as much as our relationship has changed for the better (I'm also not so much of a snotty brat like I was in my teens-no, really-- I used to be even worse than I am now!) I can only try to imagine what it will be like when- when, because I am trusting Christ- he meets Jesus and we can have true reconciliation. It's a lot to get into, but there is no such thing as true reconciliation unless both sides know and love Jesus and surrender their need for judgment of the one(s) who offended them to Christ. We aren't there, because while I adore my dad, he doesn't know Christ. I look forward to the day when he does.

I can't imagine what it will be like for him, to have those wounds healed with the blood of Christ and he can know freedom in Christ.

I get teary eyed thinking about it.

I'll share my quick mini-rant:

Sometimes I use colorful words, cuss or curse words, if you will. Increasingly, in fact.

I know that some would find this highly offensive, and I never want to offend people and hinder the gospel.

That said, I have thought about this a lot lately, and Christians tend to use this verse, and ones like it, as the reason to not use cuss words:

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. [Colossians 4:6]

The thing is... no where in the Bible will you find, "Thou shalt not drop F-bombs, lest your tongue be cut out because of your sinfully repulsive speech". It's true, that as one who loves Jesus, every Christian is to take heed of this verse and let their speech be gracious. But gracious doesn't mean nice and tidy and clean.

I contend that God is far more concerned with the condition of a person's heart, why they are saying what they are saying, than the words they use. I mean, I know a lot of people- myself included, really- who will go on and on about good, Christian sounding stuff with nary a cuss word and yet it's all a bunch of rubbish. They are stroking their own ego and being vile puffed up turds. I propose to you that God is far more offended by that than a person using a colorful word that truly applies to a situation, like I did with "shitty life". There really isn't a better word to have conveyed the message I was intending, and I'm not going to get all intellectual and pull some heady word out of my ass in order to sound better.

That said, these things have a time and a place. For one, I don't go around saying words like that to just anyone. I have Christian friends who get super uncomfortable if I even say "pissed" in front of them, so I'm careful. I have other Christian friends with whom I can say those words and they totally get it. And, obviously, I'm not going to walk into a room full of pre-schoolers and be all, "Did you m-effers see that effing snow out there? $**t damn!". There is such a thing as prudence.

But this is my blog, a safe place to be myself. I hope that my heart will shine through, that it will be evident that I am a real person with a genuine desire to glorify Jesus. If, over time, I am convicted that I should not ever use a word like "shitty", then I pray I'll be sensitive and listen to Him, and that I'll obey.

I'm sure some of my more conservative friends have told their husbands they are praying for my "loose" tongue and that I'll grow in Christ and be more gracious in my speech. I'm cool with that. I'm just saying that I care far more about my motives, the heart behind why I do things, than with what I actually do. For five years I never said words like shit and yet my heart was a legalistic mess. I'd rather be a messy mess in need of Jesus, surrendering to Him more and more, than a clean-mouthed hater of God living according to rules and religion.

Enough of rant. Must pre-write one or two posts about what I actually meant to write about, and that's some tasty food I made in the last coupla weeks!

And The Soul Felt It's Worth

2008-12-25T08:01:00.000-08:00

[Oh Holy Night, Ex Nihilo]

If you liked the song in the below post (too lazy to link it- you can find it!) and you like and / or think Christmas music is too cheeseball- either one, really- then you should check out this song, too.

This isn't just my fave Christmas song (I'm in that whole cheeseball category)- it's one of my fave songs, ever, and that's saying something because I loves me some music!

Anyway, enjoy; but before you do, know that you can check out other Mars Hill music (like the 80's throwback worship band, Mint- no, really- and others, even some more Christmas music) on the Mars Hill Church website .

I Will Arise And Go To Jesus

2008-12-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

[Come Ye Sinners, Ex Nihilo]

I'm embedding the title song at the end of my blog; we're blessed with an incredible church that plays ROCKIN' worship music, no sissy stuff, and I never knew I could love old hymns like this one until I came to Mars Hill. Anyway, when you finish reading, give the song a listenin' to! It's really good, and not just "good for church music" good- like actually solidly good music! Love it :)

So, as I mentioned in my last post, this one and perhaps one or two more were written on Christmas Eve Eve (got that... I know you do!) because I'm in the grand ol' Missoula, MT to celebrate Christmas with my fabulous in-laws... fabulously flawed, like every other family, but I'd have it no other way. "Perfect" people make me puke.

Well, at least, they make me want to.

This actually reminds me of something wonderful- we were recently with a bunch of friends from church and one of the guys is a new Christian. He just met Jesus right before Halloween. He's soaking up the Bible and learning what it means to be in relationship with Jesus and he's not the least bit religious because he doesn't know how to be. At least, not yet, and hopefully not ever.

Anyway, we were all talking about our lives, the work Jesus is doing in us, and he started kind of tooting his own horn, talking about how generous he is and has always been and that's just a really generous person. There was this uncomfortable shift in the room, as people sort of diverted eyes and looked at the ground. I know what everyone was thinking-- "You're a Christian! All glory to Jesus! Anything good in you is because of Him, not your own merit!"

This is totally true. But... the truth is, all of us, at one point or another, think we are better than other people. We pride ourselves on what we consider our better attributes, and we usually determine our worth by contrast to others. We either think, "Man, my friend Scott is such an ass! I'm so glad I'm nice!" or we think, "Man, my friend Matt is so nice. I'm such an ass." When we compare to other people we always come out either looking really good or really bad. So... we Christians (are supposed to only) compare ourselves to Jesus, realize that He is perfect and we are wretched, and find joy in dying to ourselves in order to be more like Him.

So yeah- said "I'm-awesomely-generous" friend was off base. But I found it so refreshing that he just said that, his patting-my-own-back bit, because it was honest. Jesus will mature Him, and that he'll stop relying on his attempts at righteousness, but that comes from walking with Jesus over time. I was refreshed because so many of us, even more mature Christians, to this same thing- I, for example, think, "I am such a loving person. I just really care about people. I always have. Look at me, world, I'm fabulous!".

Ok, so I don't actually think in those words, but I definitely have that attitude. The deal is, though, I rarely admit that to a room full of friends in love with Jesus. I don't want to look like such a... sinner.

Go figure.

So I'm grateful for "generous" friend, for reminding me that it's better to be honest and let the ugly truth of how desperate I am for Jesus to redeem me just hang out there. Better than to put up the constant front of having it all together and basically living a lie.

Today, this day that we celebrate the birth of Jesus, think about why He came. Not for presents. Not for family, even. Not for snow or Santa or eggnog or mistletoe or even animals with flashing red noses.

Jesus came to set us free, to redeem us and allow us to find the liberty of living life not for ourselves, imprisoned by our sin nature, but for Him. A great Savior He truly is. I'm honored to be able to say, with full confidence, that Jesus Christ is my Savior. The baby in the manger died as a sinless man on the tree, and He's my entire life. I struggle to live out the gospel, whoring out on food addiction and stuck in obesity, but He loves me, Jesus loves me, He perfectly fully actually completely loves me and He died while I was a sinner heckling Him on that cross as His sinless blood pumped out the hamburger mess that was His broken body. From birth as a newborn in a barn that was always His purpose and, because of Him and only Him, I have the chance to be free.

That, my friends, is a reason to celebrate a merry Christmas.

So... listen to this song. I'll even post the lyrics. Read them. Think about them. And know that they are truth.

Love ya, kids.

Come ye sinners, poor and needy

Weak and wounded, sick and sore

Jesus ready stands to save you

Full of pity, love, and power

I will arise and go to Jesus

He will embrace me in His arms

And in the arms of my great Savior

Oh, there are ten thousand charms

Come ye thirsty, come and welcome

God's free bounty glorify

True belief and true repentance

Every grace that brings you nigh

I will arise and go to Jesus

He will embrace me in His arms

And in the arms of my great Savior

Oh, there are ten thousand charms

Come ye weary, heavy-laden

Lost and ruined by the fall

If you tarry until you're better

You will never come at all

I will arise and go to Jesus

He will embrace me in His arms

And in the arms of my great Savior

Oh, there are ten thousand charms

Reminder...

2008-12-24T12:25:00.000-08:00

EDIT Numero Dos: It's just after 2pm on Christmas Eve and we have decided to stay home. The roads are bona fide horrible, we don't have a 4WD, and driving in scary conditions for 500 miles on Christmas day only to repeat the process 48 hours later seems kind of stupid. We're going to buy tasty food, bake Jesus a birthday cake, find a fun treat (like Mario Kart for the Wii, hopefully!), and get some surprise stocking stuffers since any gifts we had for each other are stuck at UPS hubs and are unable to be delivered to our house on the ice hill. Ironic, really, since Jason works at UPS. That's life, sometimes. We're just going to do the best we can to have a sweet and special Christmas together, remembering that it's about Jesus.

Merry Christmas, kids :)

EDIT: As of 12:45 pm, since Jason STILL isn't off work (he's been there for 13 hours) we have decided to not leave today. Tomorrow we'll get up, see how the roads are, and if they're better leave then. If they're still crazy we'll just stay home, alone. It's sad. We love each other, but we've been looking forward to finally seeing his side of the family all year, and yet another holiday alone is just sad.

We're going to go attempt to buy a ham, potatoes, green beans, etc when he finally gets home. If we can't leave we'll just eat it tomorrow. If we can leave then we'll save it for later meals. Either way I guess I'll get Christmas ham, so there's some bright side in this sadness.

I'm too bummed to edit the actual content of this post so let's all just pretend it's true, no?

***

Jason and I are driving nearly 500 miles from Seattle, WA to Missoula, MT today. No, we weren't drunk when we made the decision... ok, maybe we were.

No, really. We just have a short window to see family- Wednes thru Sunday- between Jason's work schedule and we want to maximize time with them. Stopping midway for the night is silly, especially since we don't have kids. We rarely see his dad, brothers, mom, and various step-parents and other in-laws who all live in the great state of Montana, so we're capitalizing on this chance!

In the last 12 hours I have packed, wrapped like 20 presents, made a big dinner (remember... the Jman worked for almost 11 hours on only 3 hours of sleep, then slept for 3 hours in order to be at work by midnight to work another loooooooong shift at UPS), delivered presents and hung out with my lil' bug, picked up the rental car, wrote like 7 blogs for while we're gone (not kidding!). Oy! Plus, the apartment is totally clean because who wants to come home to a mussy (yes, mussy. Different from messy, somehow) apartment after vacation? The unpacking makes it cluttered up enough!

Now I'm about to drive the first few hundred miles through grotesque amounts of snow while the husband sleeps. Yippee!!

Weather permitting we'll be there by late Christmas Eve night, so please keep us in your prayers! If snow forces us to stay home then I'll obviously edit this post :)

Much love, and merry Jesus' birthday eve!

Gotta Have That Funk

2008-12-23T19:57:00.000-08:00

[Tear The Roof Off The Sucker, Parliament]

After yesterday's post , I just have to share something. When I went to bed last night, sweet baby J was sleeping. Sometimes, for whatever reason, when he's sleeping I am just overcome with love for him. Last night was true even more than normal, because he did the sweetest thing- I was fiddling with my cell phone's charger cord, and I must have made a bit too much noise because I looked down to see him repositioning... and then the sweetest thing- he reached out to where I am when I'm sleeping, to feel for me and find me. It was so cute and my heart melted like butter in a preheated pan over an open flame.

Then, even better, when I did sneak into bed he snuggled up to me, spooned me (my favorite!), wrapped his arms around me, and, while still sleeping, sighed contentedly. Does that just not make you weak in the knees, that mental picture of a man cuddling up to the woman he loves? I adore that man.

He's a hard worker, too- he's had to get up at 1:50 am for work this week (he has two jobs, the one in referral is his part time job at UPS, as in the delivery company), and so this morning he got up at 1:50, left for work at 2:45, and worked from 3:30 am to 2 pm. Now he's sleeping- he went to bed at 7:30 am- and he has to get up at 10:30 to work from midnight until probably 9 or 10 am. I feel so bad for him- he's so tired. And we're supposed to make that crazy drive from here (Seattle) to Missoula tomorrow, replete with 3 snowy and treacherous mountain passes. I'll likely drive at least to Spokane (5 1/2 to 6 hours without snow... who knows how long with!) so he can sleep for that first leg. I love Jas and am so grateful for how hard he works. He's seriously an incredible husband and I am so blessed to have him. I want every female friend to know what it's like to have a man like Jas, who loves Jesus and is an honorable and respectable and wonderful man.

Not a db ;)

Beyond that, I'm going to go do a few posts that will show up while I'm gone. We will have internet access from J's dad's house, so I may do a quick post or two from there. No promises, though :) Supposing the roads allow us, we'll be gone from tomorrow (Christmas Eve) until Sunday. We appreciate prayers from our dear friends who know and love Jesus!

I truly hope that all of you can enjoy Christmas, and remember that Christmas isn't just about mushy materialism. Jesus Christ was really born, humbly to a teenage girl in a barn, and He grew up and saved this world from all of our sins. He's peace, joy, love. Praise God for His sweet sacrifice.

Please, Would You One Time, Let Me Be Myself?

2008-12-22T15:06:00.000-08:00

[Let Me Be Myself, 3 Doors Down]

NOTE: I'm sorry for the lack of spaces down below. Blogger hates me, and though I put in like 8 spaces between the pictures and paragraphs they just all cram together and I am frustrated! I'll try to edit it later and see if it fixes itself. I loves me some Google, but wth? Argh.

Sorry I've been quiet- I've been stuck in my apartment since Thursday and there's not been a heck ton to say. I was inspired this morning about something, though, so I'll get to that in a minute. One reason I haven't blogged, additionally, is that I was kind of burned. There was a situation where I was really convicted about my attitude toward someone, confessed to them, and... nilch. No response. The deal is, it tests me, how I respond. I mean, have you ever done the right thing for the right reasons, had a less than desirable response, and then become angry and self-righteous? That's the danger, and as I struggled through those feelings, seeking to surrender them to Jesus, I didn't blog because I didn't trust myself to not say things I would regret later, lashing out at the person. Thus, I was kind of quiet.

I did, btw, make an INCREDIBLE meal last week, a tasty vodka sauce dish, and I took pics so I'll try to get that up. Maybe I'll make it and set it to post while we're gone-- we're (supposed) to drive from Seattle, WA to Missoula, MT on Christmas Eve (provided we can make it over the pass!). Yippee.

View Larger Map

You see all of the dark green parts? 'Dem be high, very snowy, mountain passes. We're renting a full-size car, so hopefully it will be safer. I'm working on convincing Jason that something AWD, perhaps an SUV, would be smarter... I have been unsuccessful thus far. Meh. Even Spokane, on the eastern border of WA (where I lived for 5 years!), which isn't all that mountainous has like 3 feet of snow. Nuts.

At the end of the post I'll show you a few pics I took of our lovely foot or so of snow here in SeaTown. But for now... thoughts on fatness. My husband and I were showering (Yep. Together. We're hot like that.) and somehow we got into a conversation about how he's not a douchebag. For any SNL fans, we think this shirt is funny:

Listen, we know it's not redeemed. It's crude, and we get that. Still funny, albeit in a kind of sad way. The point is, I was telling Jas how I wanted to buy him this shirt, just a little bit, but he'd never be able to wear it because he's not a douchebag. Those were my exact words. Then we started talking about how glad we are that he's not a douchebag (sorry for the repeated use of the word... 'tis what we were saying. But I'll lay off and say "db" for my more sensitive readers!). I told him that if here a db, the kind of guy who would actually wear that shirt, he'd probably be with someone way hotter than me.

I'm not harshing on myself. But think about it- how many gorgeous girls do you know who are with total jerks? What is that, anyway? Sure, I know fabulously beautiful women with amazing non-dbs. My sweet friend Bekah comes to mind- she's super hot and her husband is super sweet and a generally amazing guy. But I also know very sexy women who are with total jerks. Guys who care more about the trophy on their arm, proof of their manliness based on how hot their "catch" is.

I always wanted to be hot before I met "the one", assuming that losing weight would make me more lovable, more worthy of a quality man. Praise God that He had other plans- I was still 350+ pounds when I met Jason. Granted, it was online, which was exactly what I didn't want because I assumed only fat & or ugly people meet online. I actually remember praying that God would send me to Seattle, to find a good church and meet a man there. I rather appreciate His sense of humor in me stumbling across Jas online. You can read our story here.

The thing is, Jason and I grew really close via e-mails and phone calls. We were always 100% ourselves, right from the beginning, and I knew he fell in love with me for me, for who I was. Even better was that, regardless of my size, he was in awe of how beautiful he always says I am. He has always told me how incredibly hot I am to him, that he loves me at any size. He wants me to be healthy, but it's who I am and not how I am that draws him to me.

I remember reading another blog once, a fellow weight-loss blogger. I don't remember which one, lest I direct you her way, because it was quite awhile ago. But I remember that she had lost quite a bit of weight, like 50 pounds, and she was lamenting on her blog that her husband hadn't even noticed. I remember being completely shocked. For one, Jason and I are so close and we do everything together. I wouldn't even bother trying to lose weight if my J-Man weren't in this with me, supporting me and loving me through it. Secondly, even if I somehow were losing weight as some sort of surprise for him, I guarantee you that long before 50 pounds he would notice and praise and love me right on up the loving-husband ladder.

I am truly blessed. The deal is, though, I don't have to be thin to have an incredible husband. Every woman, regardless of her size, deserves an amazing man who loves her for who she is. Even better, women should have a man who is consciously yielding himself to Jesus, loving his wife as Jesus loves the church. Selfless, unconditional, sacrificial, encouraging, complete love. Jason is far from perfect- he's a sinner. He's made me cry. But... I'm a sinner and I've been a complete you-know-what to him more times than I can count. Honestly, had Jesus not sent us to Mars Hill a little over a year ago, I don't know how our marriage would be doing. That's the beauty of Jesus- He makes broken things new and beautiful and it has nothing to do with religion.

So I've been thinking all day about how grateful I am to have met Jason while still obese. I know that he loves me for me, as I am, who I am. If and when I lose weight, his feelings for me won't change based on how I look. The longer we're married I know he'll love me more and more for who I am because of the insanely wonderful way Jesus knits hearts and souls together. So, I'm grateful and I love my husband. I'm so thankful that he's not a db, too :)

Speaking of my man, here are a few pics of his truck in the driveway. He's a sexy rock star and keeps shoveling and clearing things out (our house and the ones on either side of us are the only ones on the street with clear sidewalks because he's a sweet servant like that) so it's hard to see, but I'll just give ya whatever I got ;) I can't lie- it's COLD out there and I'm a wimp so I just opened the door to take pics. I'm not venturing into that cold, snowy wonderland for the LIFE of me. Anyway, enjoy!

J's truck in the driveway on Saturday, around 4pm.

Same day, about 6 hours later.

Even though there's a fence 12 feet from our door, the wind blew in some drifts that started to stack up, as can be seen in the above pic. My sexy and sweet husband got rid of it, though, and even deiced it so we have a clear, though wet, stoop now :) This was also on Saturday, btw.

I took this one this morning- this is our landlord's car, parked in our driveway (they live upstairs, we in the basement, but since our "front" door faces the driveway they don't use it and it's "ours") because they are out of town for a few weeks. Seriously, though- Seattle rarely gets this much snow. We average like... I think 11" a year of snow, usually in wee little increments that melt as quickly as they hit the ground because the temperature is usually above freezing. We have that much now, all at once, and it's not melting! 'Tis nuts.

This is our driveway; I took it while Jas was at work this morning, so you can see where his truck was parked. I love how beautiful the tree looks!

This is another view, looking out into the street. Winter wonderland, what?

Here are a few bonus pics for your enjoyment, from this past weekend:

Look- LOOK- at that hella huge and scary spider! It's so big that when I saw it out of the corner of my eye I was scared that it was a rodent, not a FREAKING HUGE SPIDER! For perspective, look how huge it is compared to my sock (yes, I have a horrible habit of coming home, immediately taking off my clothes, and leaving them right there in the middle of the living room. Hey, I don't have kids, my man thinks it's sexy (well, the naked part) and I am enjoying it while it lasts, so suck it. Nonetheless, that's one big spider.

Here's a close up of scary spider, just before Jason killed it for me. Letting it outside, into the sub-freezing temps and foot of snow, would have been cruel. Crueler than a quick death, at least. Shudder. I zoomed in, because my camera has AMAZING zoom qualities- don't you think for a second that getting closer to that monster was ever an option! Hells no!

Last, though certainly not least, one of the sports highlights of my weekend save for the Seahawks win, Titans win (they aren't close to my heart like the 'Hawks and Pats, but I respect them and want them to win), and Steelers loss (hate them. Think Pittsburgh is the butthole of America. No offense if you live there. Though, I s'pose, that would be hard not to find offensive. Meh.). It was a rough weekend, what with the Griz (Uni of Montana, in Missoula, where Jason is from and where he attended college for his frosh and soph years) losing the national title game and then with the Zags (if you don't know who they are... you can read my blog but we are not friends. Ok, kidding. Mostly.) losing a closerthanthis game to UConn which they really should have won, dang it.

Anyway, what with the sad losses, this sign was held up at the Zags game and thank Jesus for DVR because I was able to pause and snap a picture of it. If you know me you know that I am a huge- HUGE- sports fan (as in love for sports, not my girth, though I guess that's true, too) and Seattle- WA state in general, really- is just sucking it up. As this sign denotes, our Sonics were swiped out from under us, the Mariner's had their worst season in franchise history, the Huskies and Cougs (Uni of WA and WA State U, respectively) sucked it up in football, the Seahawks were predicted to make another Superbowl run and then... well, stunk up Qwest field and every other place they've played. Not to mention we're losing our Hall of Fame coach after this season. Anyway, the Zags are the best team ever and we have a real shot at the Final Four if we work it like we should. So I loved this sign.

Aight, enough of the rambling. You all have nothing better to do, though, right? :)

Oh, and I want to vlog but I have a nasty case of laryngitis and nothing interesting to say, anyway.

Love you all! Merry Christmas!

Hasta, kids :)

Light On?

2008-12-19T11:29:00.000-08:00

This is absolutely the funniest video ever. Seriously. Even if you don't like American Idol, this is hilarity. I found it because David Cook thinks this is funny, which is admirable.

Cook was my guy, but had he lost I would not have reacted like this, just so you know.

As an aside, this is just plain creepy.

http://bittenbyacougar.com/

If men had a site like this people would freak. Though I supposed that's just called porno. Ugh.

The Weather Outside Is Frightful

2008-12-19T00:28:00.000-08:00

[Let It Snow]

It's crazy snowy here.

Seattle + Snow = City Shuts Down

Seriously- I was one of like 6 people who had to show up at work today. It was crazy, driving down a main arterial at rush hour and seeing two other cars. Usually there'd be two cars close enough for me to touch them if I leaned out of my car far enough!

I don't have any pics (forgot my camera this morning, dang it!) but you can check out these various links, from the general (Seattle Times) to the hyper-local (Greenwood blog, though I live in the Green Lake neighborhood, but really they're almost the same; Ballard, the third link, is where I hope we eventually buy a house. It's like 10 minutes from my current neighborhood but I LOVE it there!). Anyway, maybe I'll take some pics tomorrow. Until then, you can see how nutty we are about a snow day around here:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/home/index.html

http://www.phinneywood.com/

http://www.myballard.com/

The good news, btw, is that though the roads were extremely frightful and my Ghettro wasn't exactly made for snow. I grew up in the mountains and I can handle it; plus, the husband (lovely man, really) camped out with the laptop and free wi-fi at Les Schwab yesterday for 9- yes, NINE- hours to get new all-season tires put on said Ghettro, so that helped. I didn't even come straight home from work- I went to Fred Meyer to do a little Christmas shopping. The only scary part was actually parking at home, because we live on a very steep hill and coming down that hill was not fun, what with the road being, literally, a sheet of ice.

I do have to say that the snow is actually kind of really fun. Like, I hate the cold and the winter, and I live in Seattle because the temps are usually in the 40's in the Winter, 60's in the Spring and Fall, and 70's-80's in the Summer. AKA climate PERFECTION. Spokane, on the eastern border of WA and where I lived for 5 years after college, was much more temperate and they almost always have decent amounts of snow in the winter (though they got a record 30 inches in 24 hours yesterday! Oy stinking VEY!).

The deal is that it's kind of fun, though, because some 80% (total guess, I can't lie!) of my Facebook friends live in either the Seattle area or Spokane, so it's been fun to peruse the gazillion photos people have posted of the crazy snow. It's kind of a cool feeling, being bonded over the shared experience. And seeing kids sledding down the roads no one dare drive on was pretty cool, too. Oh, and best of all- my sexy JasFace used some pool deicing stuff after shoveling our sidewalks so ours are the only clear ones on the block- pretty sweet :)

Anyway... rather uneventful day. I didn't eat enough- I was so caught up in conversation (both of my employers were home today, since one works from home mostly and the other had a snow day and didn't have to go to work; mutual friends brought over their baby and it was really fun!) that I only ate one small piece of pizza and then forgot to eat more, and by 4pm I was SO FREAKING HUNGRY. Dinner was healthy, though- simple rice with a wee bit of Tamari sauce (gluten free equivalent of soy sauce, basically) and a chicken breast grilled on a grill pan on the stove with salt and pepper to flavor- perfect! So tasty. The 4 almond rocas and 2 servings of chocolate and 4 pieces of candy (Applets and Cotlets, for you Washingtonians) were not so healthy though... meh.

I'm mostly just rambling and I feel like I had better things to say but I can't remember them now, so I'll just be done now :)

FoodeFight Milestone!

2008-12-16T23:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, sorry that this is the third post (third post!) of the night, but I was just getting my previous two alls up and online, and I realized that today- December 16, 2008- is the big day that my blog reached the milestone of 10,000 hits.

Wow!

I hoped this blog would turn into something meaningful, but 10,000 hits in basically 10 1/2 months? Amazing!

The best news is that I have my hit-counting program to not count my own hits, so that number isn't made up of half me, my own hits to see how many people have come by! Pretty amazing stuff.

My one year blogiversary is January 29, 2009, by the way. It's gonna be awesome! I think I'll give away a prize. No, really!

To the newbies, glad you're joining in. To the people in the middle, glad you're still around. To the people who have been here since, basically, day one, thank you. I really hope that someday we can all poke around this blog and be shocked at how fat I used to be, and how spiritually immature and messed up I used to be, and that, ultimately, I keep maturing and becoming a more all-around healthy person.

Truly He Taught Us To Love One Another...

2008-12-16T23:58:00.000-08:00

... His Law Is Love
And His Gospel Is Peace

[O Holy Night]

I am so broken right now. In such a good way, but broken nonetheless.

My last post , from two days ago, spoke a lot about what it means to actually live for Jesus. He seems to think that it's a good idea to keep on pressing this issue into me, and I agree.

This week's sermon at church was AMAZING. It was about what it means to be generous, to worship Jesus as number one and to recognize that all life is found in Him and that everything I have is from Him. Generosity is not about numbers of dollars given or hours of service logged. Generosity is about having a proper worship identity- Jesus is God, and He is love perfected and personified- and thus having a heart that serves based on this life-changing perspective.

My conviction came as Pastor Mark was speaking about giving, because last night I sat at the computer trying to manufacture a Christmas list. My sweet husband set a budget that we each get to spend on one another for Christmas, so I was trying to think of everything I want that I can get within that budget. The idea of blessing anyone else with that budget never crossed my mind. It did hit me, however, that I was frustrated because I was struggling to think of things I actually wanted enough to put them on the list, so I gave up and figured I'd give it another go-round later.

Well, then today I watched the sermon online (I am battling off a nasty cold, which Brody has / gave me, and tried to go to church Sunday but was really dizzy and nauseated and Jas had to go without me) and I was so incredibly convicted. Pastor Mark spoke of a woman (who just so happens to be his wife) who is so generous that whenever she sees someone with a need she goes and buys them what they need, and then when she sees them again she gives them those items. Listen, I rarely even notice when someone has a need because I am never looking for one.

If I am being completely honest, the reason I am not looking for other people's needs is because I have a nasty, death-causing sin called a sense of entitlement. I expect others to look for ways to love, serve, and give to me because I feel like I have had a rough life so I am owed something from everyone else. What is truly heartbreaking is that God gave me the spiritual gift of discernment, meaning that I have a supernatural ability to gain insight into people's motives, basically the real story behind their actions / words. I should also be sensitive to others' needs, but... I'm not. I'm so, so self indulged and it's sickening.

I'm tired of making excuses. Yes, I grew up poor. Yes, I was abused. But no one- no single person- owes me a damn thing! Everything I have, everything I am, all of it, it's all from God. It's not about how much God has given me in my life- rather, it's about living the abundant life with Christ. As I reflect upon my life, I see how Jesus was always so faithful to me, to minister to me and love me even when I was sinned against in the most atrocious ways. And understand- Jesus saved me. Not that in that cheesy way, that way you see it in the movies.

No.

Jesus found me, a wretched wreck, trying desperately to get everyone- anyone- to love me. I was self-righteous, thinking I deserved praise for being smart and funny and a leader and friendly. It's all BS, and it's all empty. I was miserable. Jesus introduced Himself to me, and though I still have so many issues and so much sin to be convicted of and repent from, my life is totally changed. Really, truly changed.

But... I still have so many idols. There are so many things I worship and pour my heart and life into that are absolutely not Jesus. I strive for financial security and get really angry and cornered and lash out when it's threatened. I hide from pain by being cloaked in 220 extra pounds of fat. I seek comfort and unconditional love in food. I try to earn the praises and accolades of people to convince myself that I am a person worthy of love.

The truest tragedy of this all is that all of these things make me such. A. Miserable. Wreck.

I am critical. I am judgmental. I am constantly irritated, certain that everyone else except me sucks. I nitpick my husband, hacking him to pieces with my incessant need to be right.

And trust me- constantly trying to impress everyone is EXHAUSTING.

Then there's the whole sense of entitlement, excusing the way I am because I have suffered. The greed. The way I think the entire world revolves around me. It just perpetuates all of the issues I described above.

So, today, cleaning the family's kitchen where I nanny, thinking about Jesus and generosity as I was wiping down the counter, it hit me- there is such a better way. I know the better way. I claim to be in an intimate relationship with the better way, the only way.

When I surrender to Jesus, when I give Him the reigns, I am free. I am truly happy. It's not a chore. It's not work. It's love. It's peace. It's the antithesis of self-indulgence and it's incredible.

I called my husband, told him the only two things I really want for Christmas (a tripod for our digital camera because I want to get incredible pictures of Seattle at night and use them as framed art in our home, and the Anne of Green Gables boxed set because a) I love them and b) I want to read them to my children someday) and requested ways to serve others with the rest of my Christmas budget.

You know what? I was so relieved afterward. Not because I get to "feel good". It's not about that. Anyone could give money to someone and still have an effed up life, to be blunt. There's an incredible peace, a sense of oneness, with Christ that no good feelings will ever match.

I'm still flawed, still a sinner. But I don't have to accept it and stay this way. I can stop being scared of losing control and trust that Christ's plans for me are good, and believe that He truly loves me. It's ok. It's good.

One thing- for anyone reading and thinking, "Ok, isn't this Foode Fight? As in, a weight loss blog? What does the sappy Jesus mumbo jumbo have to do with this chick getting less fat?" (or, you know, something a little nicer than that) please understand that my spiritual issues are why I am fat. Unless I deal with them I'll either stay fat, get thin and then get fat again, or get thin but have other huge issues basically ruining my life. So when I post these more intensely spiritually-themed posts, understand that they are an integral process of this food(e) fight, even if I am not specifically talking about what I ate today or what have you.

Anyway I am tired and emotionally drained. Thanks for tracking, and to those commenting and e-mailing and loving me- thank you so much. I truly pray that I will reflect Jesus Christ and be a humble encouragement.

PS In case you didn't notice it, I posted twice tonight and there is a second post below this one. Check it out!

PPS For those interested, check out Pastor Mark's sermon; it's really good!

Biggest Loser Finale Thoughts

2008-12-16T23:54:00.000-08:00

How can I not mention The Biggest Loser finale from tonight?

One thing- honestly, I don't care who wins. I'm happy for Michelle, and for Heba & Ed, but truthfully most of those people would probably rather keep their weight loss and forgo a $100k or $250k check as opposed to getting the money and being fat. I refuse to get petty and gossip about people and cast my vote for who should win, unless it's truly based on just seeing a need and feeling connected to a person. I didn't feel that way about any of these people, so 'twas no biggie to me who won.

Onto thoughts about the finale and the show in general...

It's good. It's emotional, to see people who were so obese 6-7 months ago now fit and no longer staring down death's barrel.

That said, it's frustrating. If you look at previous winners, so many of them have gained weight back. I'm never going to say that only WLS works, just like before I began to pursue WLS I never would have said that only diet and exercise work (I say diet and exercise "only" because even with WLS there is a huge emphasis on d & e; the surgery is just a tool to help). I think people just have to do what is best for them.

Surgery is not for everyone. That said, a diet and exercise only regimen isn't successful for everyone, either.

The deal is, Ali is maintaining really well. But Matt (of Matt and Suzy from season... 2?) has gained a lot of weight back, Suzy has gained some, and, as I have said before, you know there is a reason why they never have Biggest Loser reunions. Plus, did anyone else notice that most of tonight's people shown on camera from past seasons, as they are today, were shown only from the shoulders up? I mean, hello.

The deal is, I was watching the preview for the next season, that starts on (I think) January 6, and seeing the guy that weighs 454 pounds, and the woman that weighs 379... it struck a chord. I guess just because the guy jumped right into my heart. The woman... well, I have always thought that I could never be on that show because the biggest woman so far was barely over 300 pounds (I think it was Isabeau). With the woman who is 379 pounds, I just connected with her, and I really want to see how she does.

Truthfully, I really start to care about these people. They're real people. They want to succeed. They want to live. They are trying to change their lives. I guess I'm just a little frustrated, and a little disheartened, because I feel like it's misleading to see these people the way they were tonight, finally accomplishing a goal they have worked so hard for, and to know that so many of them will end up being obese again. I mean, look at Vicky- there is NO way she can sustain that life. Being either at work or at the gym from essentially 4am to 9pm every single weekday? I guarantee you that post finale she'll adjust to a more livable schedule and some of the weight will come back, even with her exercising and eating well. She'll put in twice the effort and have 10x the self-control and struggle to maintain a weight similar to any other size 10 woman that has never been obese.

It doesn't seem fair, but once a person has been obese they simply don't have the same body chemistry as someone who never was. I promise you that I eat better and exercise more than many size 12-14 women and I am struggling to get comfortably back into a size 28.

Those are my thoughts. I'll still keep watching, but there's a sadness for me when I watch the show now.

No Pain Inside...

2008-12-14T23:14:00.000-08:00

... but how do I feel this good sober?

[Sober, Pink]

So, the long awaited deep post... and prepare yo'self, because it will be long. You know you love it ;)

As I pursue getting gastric bypass I know that the spiritual issues, the sin and the pain and the denial, must be dealt with. I've said this before, but the surgery isn't a fix. For one, I'm not hanging my hat on that post as a definitive weight loss method for myself until the docs roll me into a recovery room post-op. Even if I have the surgery, some people don't lose as much weight as expected, and- I pray this isn't me- some have amazing results but then gain weight back, even with the metabolism changing procedures done with the surgery.

A worse option, and probably the most likely, is that I will simply replace my food addiction with another idol. I'll find some other way to deal with my issues... the possibilities have no end, really, but it could be anything from gossip to this blog to exercise. I know some people might think, "Well, hey, being addicted to exercise is better than killing yourself with food addiction!", but it's not. Not really.

The issue is my heart- why do I do what I do? What are my motives that spur me to action? Directly intertwined with my heart is my worship identity. My worship identity is, essentially, who I believe I am and what I believe gives me value (that's the identity part) and then how I seek acceptance and where I focus my time/talents/money/thoughts/etc based on that identity (that's the worship part).

To sum it all up, I worship, or put a lot of my energy into, things as a result of who I believe I am. In turn, my motives, or heart, in all that I do are inextricably linked to what I worship based on where I find my significance. Hopefully that's clear, because it's integral to all that I am about to spill forth.

A couple of weeks ago, actually I think three weeks ago exactly, when my husband and I were driving home from church, I really began to ruminate on these issues of heart and worship identity. They are, really, the crux of relational Christian faith. From my heart, please understand as you read this that I am not being preachy. I am not trying to convert anyone. I pray that somehow my flawed existence will be cloaked in humility from Jesus Christ and that it will speak to the longings that are in the souls of all who don't know Him, but I'm not gleefully wringing my hands and trying to estimate how many people I will proselytize with mere words on a webpage, and a blog at that.

With that said, I am going to get technical and it's going to be about my faith in Christ, but please don't just gloss over it- I'm going to get pretty personal, very raw and honest with where I am re: heart and worship identity, but the next few paragraphs are integral. There are too many misconceptions about what Christianity is, and even if you are a Christian what I have to say to set up where I am going is crucial. Don't skip it!

The fact is, much of what most of us think about the Christian faith- Christians included- really needs to be thrown out the window and started anew. I alluded to some of this in my most recent post, but knowing Jesus isn't about asceticism (strict self-denial to feel spiritual, to "earn" God's favor) or hedonism (indulging in anything and everything simply because Christ forgives our sins so we're ok to do whatever we want); it's not about liturgy (following religious rituals and procedures); Christianity most certainly isn't about checklists and 12-step programs to holiness. Really, Christianity isn't about us- humans, Christians- at all. It's about surrendering our identity to Jesus Christ and seeking to be meek and humble.

Far too many Christians, myself the number one offender at the top of the list, get caught up in comparing ourselves with others, be they other Christians or non-Christians or what have you, so we can feel somehow more worthy of the grace that Jesus Christ offers free of charge, because He already paid the price. The fact is, every single person ever born is a sinner, of whom I am the chief , and the only difference between a Christian and non-Christian is that a Christian has Jesus Christ's blood, His sinless blood shed on the crucifix, that allows them to be forgiven.

I love these verses, written by the apostle Paul:

12 I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, 13 though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. 17 To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. [I Timothy 1:12-17]

So, then, Christianity isn't about following the rules. It is about obedience, to be certain- when God saves a person, delivers them from their impending damnation to hell for their sin, He sets them free from the bondage and death sin brings. That said, God is not a capricious God, perched like a nosy neighbor at the window sill of Heaven and cackling like a contrived middle-school girl when we screw up. We are sinners, we're jacked up, and God is loving and patient. He gives us grace, boundless and infinite, and He equips us with the Holy Spirit to better be able to turn away from the sin that hurts us, hurts others, and ultimately hurts Him.

James 4 hits on this perfectly- in it James reminds his readers, including me (and now you), that selfishness (sin) creates contention and strife, but that submitting to God in humility brings life. When it talks about cleansing hands and purifying hearts, the scriptures are meant for people who have relationships with Jesus; these are meant to exhort Christians to prayerfully examine themselves by reading what the word of God (the Bible) has to say, to compare themselves only to Jesus and then to humbly ask Him, through the Holy Spirit, to change them to be more like Jesus. This is the only way to find true peace and genuine contentment in life and in relationships with other people.

It's not about being perfect, punishing one's self for how far they are from perfection, or running around and telling people all of the things wrong with them; rather, true Christianity is about loving Jesus so much that He increases, the Christian decreases, and the beauty and wonder of the gift Jesus gave, the restoration of sinful man to a relationship with a Holy God, is made evident in all aspects of the Christian's life. This is gospel living- the good news, that Jesus conquered death and life doesn't have to be so empty and hopeless, affects every part of the life of the Christian, from how she thinks to what she says and how she spends her time and money, how she treats other people, who she allows to have the ability to speak into her life, etc.

I cannot stress enough that nowhere in the Bible will you find "Jesus' 12-Steps to a Meaningful and Spiritual Life" or "Go to Bed Feeling Accomplished and Meaningful: The Christian's Daily Checklist". Reading my Bible or praying or going to church is meant to spur me on, to keep the gospel alive and thriving in me, to keep me close to Jesus but it's not rules or regulations I must follow if I want to click on "Christian" when a webpage asks me what my religion is. To be fair, I don't have a religion. Religion is what man, humanity, does to try and attain spirituality/god. I have a relationship with the God who made Himself a man and died on a cross 2,000 years ago, and then introduced Himself to me when I was 16 1/2, mired in my miserable muck of sin, and for the last 10 1/2 years has been allowing me to know Him better each day as He changes who I am.

So, hopefully that wasn't all too heady for you. It's so important to say, though, because what I am about to delve into, my issues with sin and addiction and the motives of my heart and where my worship identity can be found, are meaningless if you read the word "Christianity" and imagine a bunch of nutties in a room crying and falling on the floor as emotional music plays, or even if it conjures of up horrible images of the corporal punishment (read: spankings, whoopings, what have you) you received every Sunday after you fidgeted for two hours in the pew at your dying-nearly-dead church filled with elderly people who smelled more like mothballs than people filled with abundant life .

I'll start with my worship identity. It's occurred to me in the weeks that I have been mulling over these issues that I really, really want people to love me. I want to be so treasured, that girl (woman? I suppose at some point 'girl' just doesn't apply to a 27 year old) people think of and smile, the one everyone wants to be close to and wishes they could be more like. These things ebb and flow, but I want to be thought of as smart (this was especially true in high school, where put all of my eggs in the "Damn, Tami's smart!" basket and didn't let anyone forget it); talented (I have yet to truly just let go and worship at church... there's always, somewhere, the part of me that vacillates between wanting people to think I have a great voice and just trying to worship without caring what anyone thinks; even then my focus is still on trying not to think about how I sound); funny (many fatties get good at procuring laughs from people, and I am certainly in this category); pretty (but not sexy or beautiful... I'll hit on that later); a good writer, nice, a loving wife, a compassionate friend, on and on the list rambles.

"But Tami-", I am sure you are thinking, "Doesn't everyone just want to be loved?" In a word, yes. But not everyone spends most every waking moment trying to find their significance, their worth, in being well thought of by other people. And I don't just want to be liked- I want to be everyone's favorite. Some people have this same issue, but not everyone. Longing to be loved, worthy, runs rampant through my mind and I see it completely attached to my motives. I've written blog posts, careful to insert witty word wrangling techniques (my tongue is in my cheek!) because I know people will be impressed and maybe, just maybe, I'll bowl them over with my writing prowess and then they'll love me! They'll really love me! I mean, I don't actually think it out that far, but with the perspective given via hindsight I know this has happened more times than I could even count.

The problem with a worship identity not centered solely on Jesus Christ, who He says I am- purchased with His blood , forgiven , redeemed (made new, atoned), dead to my former self and my sin , alive only in Him - is that I sin against others when I feel threatened. I'm easily jealous of those whom I perceive to be more loved by mutual friends. I find ways to feel like I am a better person than that other blogger who has way more readers than me and gets countless compliments for her writing. I criticize others constantly, because then I can feel better about me as I am, thus convincing myself that I am still a person others can love. I have to be right, because who loves a person whose always wrong all of the time? I secretly pick apart all of the flaws in anyone I perceive to be smarter than me, because even if they are smarter I am still a more wonderful person and more deserving of- you guessed it- love. I don't think I could ever count the hours of energy I have put into being a person others would want to love.

With all of these (horrible) habits, my motives are all jacked up, too. Remember what I said earlier- worship is the effort put forth into who I believe I am, my identity. My heart regards the motives behind my actions as directly linked to my worship identity. Since my worship identity is based on being loved by others, and not who Jesus says I am, my motives are frequently impure. I don't do things based out of love for Jesus, living out the gospel like I spoke of a few (dozen?) paragraphs ago.

Nope. I rarely clean up around the home where I nanny because I know the parents are busy and stressed and could use an evening alone watching a sermon together, not disinfecting the kitchen, thus serving out of a heart of love for them because I am secure in the fact that Jesus loves me and I can live out love to serve others. Instead, I clean because I hope they'll come home, be impressed with their-as-close-to-immaculate-as-I-can-get-them kitchen surfaces, and think, "Wow- that Tami! Where did we ever find her? She's the best and most worthy of love nanny in the entire world. And we do- we love her. We will never sin against her and never hurt her."

Again... I don't actually think it out, but... my motives are all wrong. Maybe it seems like it shouldn't matter- either way I did my job and cleaned their kitchen. The only problem with this is that motives matter to God, and I will one day stand before the judgment seat of Christ (that is heady theology, but if you are really curious just ask me and I'll explain that one) and I will be held accountable for my motives. If my motives are not to honor and obey Jesus, from a heart freed of sinful motives because my worship identity is based on my value ala Christ's opinion of me, then my "works" (what I do purportedly to honor Christ, and all Christians are explicitly called to do good works, loving others with the love of Christ in action and deed with pure motives) are empty and dead. Seriously- go read James 2 . It's all there.

But if I stand before Christ and all of my works, no matter how impressive the accomplishments may look on paper, were done out of impure motives because I was focused on me and not Jesus... I will have to look Him in the eye, see the wrath for sin and hurt I caused Him and the good and free life I never really lived though it was right there for me, and I will suffer greatly because I will know I wasted my life.

Instead, I long to hear the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I want to simply love Jesus and to have no regrets when I finally- finally- get to look the premiere Love of my life in the eyes.

I want to be free.

I don't like living this way, insecure and constantly tripping all over myself because my worship identity is so effed up even though I know better.

This leads to the most intense part- why am I this way? I mean, I know the truth, I am in an amazing church where I see people live out the gospel the way I long to, I am married to a man who loves Jesus and really does lead me well as the husband and spiritual leader of our home. Along with the misplaced worship identity of longing to be loved is attached this self-destructive addiction to food. Why do I long to be loved, going out of my way to win approval from humans, yet I have eaten myself into a body that completely distracts people from anything lovable there may be in me?

I don't have all of the answers, but I do know this- there is more to my history of sexual abuse than I think I have ever been able to admit. Not because I was in denial, but because I am so tightly wound in my cocoon that admission of lingering effects wasn't even a possibility. As I examined my life, it hit me- I eat and am fat to protect myself from unwanted (and deeply feared) male attention of the sexual nature, and then I overcompensate in other areas to try and be loved based on non-sexual attributes.

Ergo, I want to be pretty but not beautiful or sexy. I want to be smart, funny, a great friend, a talented singer, an inspiring writer... anything but sexually desired. I'm only ok with sexual desire from my husband- praise God for that, though I am nervous that really digging into these issues will show that my high-level sex drive is all sorts of screwed up stemming from abuse... that's just got to be what it is for now and I will deal with it as it unfolds. Jesus Christ can, and does, redeem anything, so if I am messed up He can heal me. Back to where I was headed...

A realization kind of punched me in the gut- I have an unnatural fear of being raped. I frequently can't fall asleep because I am just certain that someone, a dark scary powerful man, is trying to break into our home to rape me. This is especially scary because Jason leaves for work at 3am, and I sleep for 5 more hours, home alone, without him. But then I think to myself, "Most any rapist like that would stake out the house beforehand, and said unsub [unknown subject... too much Criminal Minds!] would see how fat I am and be repulsed. No rapist wants to waste an opportunity to rape a woman on the 350 pound lady...." and I feel better, safer somehow.

That's just it- I feel safe as a fat person. Sure, before Jason I longed for love, and carried a flame for my two great crushes for half a decade each. But it was acceptance that wasn't sexual... my sexual desires, though probably higher than the typical female, were never attached to the guys I had a crush on. I never fantasized about sex with them; instead, I tried to imagine how it would feel to be unconditionally loved, accepted despite being so fat. All the while, I packed on the pounds. With Jason I felt so safe and secure and loved, despite my fatness, that I did open myself up to him sexually... but far too early, before marriage, and we have paid a price for it in our marriage. We're still working those issues out.

What really nails this realization down is that, upon thinking back to when I really began to get fat as opposed to being a little chubby, I saw a clear connection between being sexually violated and putting on a LOT of weight. I have a very swiss-cheese memory of my childhood, even through my teen years. Psychiatrists will tell you it's protection from trauma, and I suppose that's true. I have been sexually abused by 5 different men, all by the age of 15 but primarily from the ages of birth to about 9, and it's sad because right now I can only tick off 4 yet I know that when I was a teen I realized the number was 5 but I can't remember who the fifth person is. The main perpetrator was my biological father, and I know he abused me literally hundreds of times, but I can only remember 4 specific incidents and even then the memories are like a quick flash of a few images and that's it. My mind has simply dumped the memories, or has at least cut off access.

Back to my point- it's fuzzy as to when, but a fairly significant incident occurred between the ages of 13-15. Tragically, it was the least grotesque of the times I was abused, but it was the most damaging. Most of my abuse could never be shown in a movie were one to be made- there would only be suggestive images, akin to a TV show where the couple exchanges a furtive glance and then in the next scene you see them wake up, presumably nude, but covered by the sheets on a mussed up bed. This incident is one that actually could be filmed, if the actress were over 18 and playing a younger teen. Even so, it's the one that truly shattered my trust in men.

The thing is, I never told my mom about any of my abusers save for my biological father and that, honestly, was a miracle... it's a long story, but it can be summed up in me trying to protect her and feeling like I could handle whatever Chuck (that's his name) did to me, but too many people, mainly my mom, would fall apart if they knew what was happening. That said, when I did speak up, I was assured again and again and again by everyone, from my mom to counselors to the lawyers and police (my fifth birthday was spent being interrogated by a police officer gathering my account of what happened to me) and social workers and other family members, that it was not my fault, that I was just a little girl who didn't know any better and that Chuck was a very sick and very bad man. With the other abusers I just applied this same logic- I knew I didn't ask, want, nor even warrant any perverted sexual attention from them, and the problem was them and not me. That said, that one incident, the last one, despite being the least offensive physically, wasn't so easily written off.

I was with a close friend of our family, a few years older, and I really trusted him. He wasn't perfect, but he was almost like a father figure to me. I completely trusted him and longed to be loved in that pure way that fathers love daughters despite him not being my dad. Somehow we ended up spooning on the couch, but it wasn't sexual (to me)- I felt so protected, so loved, so secure. It was innocent. I actually remember thinking, "So this is how it feels to be a daddy's girl, to have that pure relationship where he showers good affection on his daughter and makes her feel loved." But then... then his hand was caressing my recently-and-rapidly-developing breast, encircling it again and again and again and I was so stiff, scared to anger him if I reacted but wanting to get away from the situation... so far away that it could be like it never happened.

Only, it did happen. And I couldn't escape. I never told my parents, the man remained close to our family, and nothing happened again but I never forgot and I escaped in a different way. I got a job at a local sandwich/ ice cream / soup / espresso shop and I downed thousands of calories per shift. I spent my money from my job buying fried foods from the supermarket deli, chips and cellophane wrapped corporate pastries from the gas station, and enough food for two adults from the fast food joints we hit when I traveled to when on the road with my high school sports teams (my tiny town didn't have any fast food places), and any extras I could con the lunch ladies out of when I went through the line receiving my free lunches (yup- I was poor). When I look through pictures, I went from a little chubby in the seventh grade- I was a size 9- to a barely-able-to-squeeze-into-size-18-jeans senior when I graduated high school. It may not seem like a huge deal, but after the couch incident I packed on 100 pounds before graduating high school, and I've put on another 150 since graduation. Basically, all of my excess weight was put on after the man, whom I trusted, fondled me.

While I didn't do it consciously, I was trying to protect myself. For the first time I felt like something was wrong with me that caused this man to find me sexually attractive, and on some subconscious level I was done with it. I didn't want to be attractive anymore. Food was comforting, for sure, and it was a double-edged sword to strike down my insecurities because I found the acceptance I sought from people, but never received, in food- it never rejected me, and in its own way it loved me unconditionally- all while putting on the weight that would, I subconsciously hoped, make me less attractive to men.

I have long thought I don't have issues with men, but I'm starting to realize that it's kind of a non-issue... or at least, I think it is. I'm so fat that, in my mind, no man would be attracted to me so I don't consider the possibility of any unwanted physical attention. But the possibility of actually losing weight, a LOT of weight, is becoming more and more real, and I have to deal with these issues before it happens. I have to prepare myself for the long haul, because I didn't gain 250 pounds in a day and I won't lose the pounds, or the emotional / spiritual / mental issues in a day, either.

Lastly, and I have to admit that it's 3 am and I'm getting really tired so I may need to readdress this point later, I'm saddened to realize how numb I am. I don't deal with sin issues, nor do I even see them half the time, because I am so numb, so non-feeling, so immovable emotionally regarding my past and current hurt. I cloak myself in my fat, I wrap myself up in it, and I try to get some sort of significant existence out of this life by impressing other people, but I just sort of float around, like some sort of Christian-zombie. I don't really trust God, and I can't fully believe I am who He says I am because, when I'm honest, I don't yet believe Him that He is who He says He is- compassionate, gracious, kind, slow to anger, a protector, a loving Father, a Father to the fatherless... it's a mess. I'm a mess.

I have to- have to- be humbled and allow the Holy Spirit to soften my rebellious heart, to annihilate this sin of disbelief in me before I can ever resolve my issues of needing to protect myself by being fat, comforting myself with food, as opposed to believing God to be my Protector, My Shield, and to find solace in Him and His word.

The good news is that Jas and are hopefully going to be in something at our church called a Redemption Group, where highly trained Biblical leaders work with a group of people just as messed up as I am to learn to rely on God, to live out the Gospel, and to have life-giving and renewing faith in Christ that redefines who I am and who I've been.

This is getting choppier as I get more tired, so I'll end with this- it struck me a few minutes ago, as my fingers flew across the keyboard, how blessed I am to have this gift, the ability to write this blog. I know that, more than anything, I'll look back at entries like this in a few years and praise Jesus Christ for how much He has changed me. To be honest, having anyone else read these- and kudos to you if you've really read. Every. Single. Word. of this post- is kind of amazing.

It's akin to being struck by the utter absurdity of a word like "the", pondering its etymology and who decided that a t and an h and an e would be put together to form a word that made the sounds people spoke when saying the word, and how did language really evolve to include the creation of words like "the", anyway?, you know, deep thoughts like that... but it hit me how kind of incredible it is that, as I type, there's just this white space but when my fingers move across plastic keys connected to rubber connectors that eventually send electronic signals and by some miracle my thoughts fill the nothingness and take shape to fill the void and, sometimes, they turn into something beautiful, these words, these shapes that flow out of my fingers through my mind.

I suppose I'll end right there. This post will likely spark off your ability to be involved in these deep things, honestly life-altering events, that I am muddling through. I hope I will be humble, that Jesus Christ will shine through and I'll fade and finally realize the beauty in just loving and not trying so hard to be loved because I am so certain of the perfect love I already and have always had. The love that nailed the God-Man Jesus Christ to a cross, the love that led Him to say the words, "Forgive them, for they know not what they do", the love that is honest and selfless and free and unapologetic and true. Would that we could all know, really truly know, that love.

We Can Go Anywhere

2008-12-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

[Forever, Chris Brown]

Christmas.

Huh.

You know, I used to hate it. During my legalist years(click on the link. Press ctrl + f, type in the word ' undercurrent', press enter, and then read from the paragraph it takes you to through the end of the post- it's actually kind of short, so do it!) I realized how materialistic everyone else is and then I became angry with people for desecrating a holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, turning it into a greedy whorefest of selfishness and family drama.

For any who aren't so much into the Christian nomenclature, Christian legalism is what happens when a person begins to focus on following rules, ones which they think are Biblical though some aren't. Drinking alcohol is an example- the Bible gives freedom to drink responsibly- not get drunk- according to one's conscience but some Christians decide that the Bible forbids drinking alcohol.... I have friends whose faith I respect that believe this. That said, some Christians- me in college and a few years beyond, for sure- are just practicing denial of certain things, particularly anything that is abused by culture such as drinking, TV, "non-Christian" music (I'll save that rant for another day), sex, etc. These are all things that, when enjoyed within Biblical guidelines, such as sex between a husband and wife or an amazing microbrew on tap at your favorite local pub while talking theology with friends, are incredible gift from God! I'm so, so, so grateful to go to a solid, Bible-based, Jesus-loving church that gets this!

Sadly, though, many Christians feel like they are earning the favor of God, somehow able to be worthy of Jesus' gift of dying on the cross for their sins, if they deny themselves. What happens, and what definitely happened to me, is that you start to focus on the rules you create and follow, your daily checklist to access God through your own efforts at holiness, and then you get judgmental and instead of loving people and engaging in culture, because you want people to know the amazing God named Jesus who has completely changed your life, you criticize and compare and you always come out looking holy and they always look like utterly godless pagans.

The problem with this is that Jesus- the only perfect man, the only One who never disobeyed God the Father, not even in motive or thought- didn't go around comparing Himself to others so He could feel better about Himself. He was God, and He was completely and utterly secure in who He was as defined by God. Instead of calling the woman at the well a whore and telling her to clean up her pathetic life He was honest with her about her sin (verse 17), then He told her who He was (verse 26), and when she brought her friends to meet Him Jesus shared the truth of the God's Word with them and they came to believe in Him as savior.

There are dozens of stories of how Jesus ministered to people, but my point is that I don't need to be the critical "Christian" (I put it in quotes because being critical and harsh isn't really Christian at all) comparing myself to everyone else and getting to feel better about myself. Listen- I'm not a relativist. I'm not ashamed to admit that Jesus Christ is the only way to God, the only Truth, and the only real source of a meaningful Life. But getting mad at people who don't know Jesus for acting like people who don't know Jesus, turning the celebration of His birth into something completely not about Him... well, what else should one expect? It's like getting mad at an infant for acting like a baby- babies ARE babies! Ergo, they conduct themselves as babies do. People who don't have a relationship with Jesus, in turn, act like people without Jesus... to expect them to embrace Christmas as a celebration of Jesus' birth is as ludicrous as expecting a toddler to conduct himself with the poise and maturity of an adult.

So, this year, I am working on enjoying Christmas. It is a great time to embrace family and to remind money-crunched and stressed out friends that they don't have to live that way, that the baby Jesus grew up into a perfect man, One who died on a cross so that life could be about more than how other people think of us. That's pretty Good News, and I hope to keep my heart focused on Christ this year instead of being frustrated with culture.

I'm even embracing decorations... after Christmas :) We don't have any, and I'm too thrifty to buy them now. But when everything is on super clearance after Christmas I am going to load up so that next year Jas and I can be Christmassed out all through December! We can do that and still remember that our God, our Jesus, is a good God because we can enjoy beautiful decorations without forgetting that He's why we celebrate.

So there you go... not so much about food(e) but still pretty meaningful to me.

Hasta, kids.

You Never Left Me No Messages

2008-12-09T21:36:00.000-08:00

[You Found Me, The Fray]

Lovely. Just lovely. Only... not really.

I'm honestly not upset about this- I actually prayed for the person, legitimately prayed for them- but someone wrote a rude comment on one of my YouTube vlogs:

r u speaking english fat lady?

The most delicious part is that this comment was for my vlog "Mean People Suck? ", referring to this incident when someone mocked me at the local market, because I had the nerve to be [super morbidly] obese while shopping in a health foods store. So... yeah, sad that the video is about me being hurt by someone's rude comments and then someone says that.

I am reminded, again, that my identity is in who Jesus Christ says I am, not in what someone has to say about me because of my weight. Who I am is not defined by my obesity. And when- when- I lose weight and better fit the worldly standard of beauty my identity won't be in my low(er)-BMI and size (drastically less than 28/30) jeans.

So it's all good in the hood. Just sad, that this person is clearly so hurt, and steeped in sin, that they have to hurt others to feel better.

This was actually the one video thus far that I forgot to mark "allow comments with approval only" so that's fixed.

Anyway, me so sleepy and need to watch The Biggest Loser before bed.

Hasta, kids!

I Would Marry Myself If I Could.

2008-12-08T19:55:00.000-08:00

Ok, not really. But tonight's dinner was AMAZING.

I've made this before, though I can't find any posts and/or pictures, but this is one of my best- at least favorite- dishes! I always just call it "thai dish". So... here we go.

First picture-- the ingredients.

As you can see, I used lime juice, peanuts, coconut milk, sesame oil, red pepper flakes, frozen OJ concentrate, scallions, a white onion, ginger, and garlic. Not pictured are the spices (curry, a touch o' cloves, cumin, salt and pepper), the peanut butter, the rice, the brown sugar, the tamari sauce (a gluten-free soy sauce, basically) and the chicken. Almost all of the ingredients are organic, save for the sesame oil, brown sugar, chicken, and peanut butter. We're like that ;)

Second picture-- a quick trick to not spend 15 years chopping garlic and ginger:

Thanks to Guy Fieri (LOVE the Food Network!), I learned a trick to prepping ginger- you scrape the outer skin off using the back of your knife. This is so smart, because I usually try to trim off the skin by cutting it with my knife and waste as much ginger as I actually use- and it takes FORever! Anyway, I just tossed in some ginger and garlic chunks into my sweet mini-prep processor and chopped 'em up. Fast and easy!

So here's what I did for the whole recipe:

First, my husband makes PERFECT rice, so he made the rice- just normal, with a lid on the stove top. The only special thing I did was add about 1 1/2 TB of the OJ concentrate to the rice as it cooked. It just added a little bit of extra flavor to the rice.

While the rice cooked away, I heated a couple TB of canola oil over med-hi heat. Then I added in the chicken (cut into small cubes- I like to cut it up small because it cooks faster and you feel like there's more chicken when you get some with every bite... at least, we feel that way!) and ginger / garlic. After about three minutes I added the red pepper flakes (about 1/2 ts), and a TB each of the curry and cumin, then just a teeny pinch of the cloves. I sort of forgot to put the onions in at this point, though I was supposed to. I put them in after adding the brown sugar, tamari sauce, a splash of lime juice, a touch of the frozen OJ concentrate, and the peanut butter. After all of that meshed together (still over medium-hi heat) I added the coconut milk. I let the flavors meld for about 10 minutes over low heat as I chopped up some peanuts and fresh scallions (green onions).

So...

At long last, the final product-- so good!

As you can see, I put the sauce over the rice, and sprinkled the scallions and peanuts over the top. Again... SO GOOD!

We have leftovers that we are able to take to our community group tomorrow night, since this meal was completely gluten free! Such is our life- and if you've been reading my posts from the last week, you can see that the gluten free life really is so bad :) Oh, and if you ever want to try out a recipe from one of my foode creations, just let me know. I'm not the best at measuring... I just go by sight and taste.

I hope you enjoyed this foray into our culinary pleasures. For now I must stop staring at the computer screen and watch me some Gossip Girl and How I Met Your Mother :)

Hasta, kids!

You Were The Same As Me

2008-12-07T21:00:00.000-08:00

[Black Balloon, Goo Goo Dolls]

I was going to write a witty and wonderful (wonderfully witty?) blog post but then I helped my husband with something "quick" and it took over two hours. Now it's nearly 11pm and I'm sleepy. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist tomorrow morning so I need to sleep so getting up at a normal time won't be an issue :)

So, this short post will show you tonight's amazing dinner! I'm on a roll this week!

My parents gave us some venison when we were with them for Thanksgiving- yup, I'm from a small town (tiny town, really; it has less than a thousand residents in the city limits) in the mountains and my parents totally hunt each fall and own many rifles. I don't have any objections to these things, though I personally don't own, nor really ever wish to own, any guns and don't hunt or fish or any of those things now that I'm out on my own. Anyway, one of the packages of venison (aka deer meat) is meant for a stew, so I made a venison stew today.

First, I spiced up some gluten free flour (sweet sorghum flour) with paprika, granulated garlic, a touch of cumin and coriander, salt and pepper, and a wee bit o' chili powder. Then I coated the meat in it and did a quick browning of the flour-covered-meat in some olive oil. Here's what it looked like:

Meanwhile, as the meat browned, I cut up an onion, two small red potatoes, one large yukon gold potato (I thought I'd use two but there wasn't enough room), a yam (I want twins !), and had a bag of baby carrots on hand. A LARGE bag of baby carrots, because I loves me some cooked carrots! Additionally, we had two quarts (quarts? I'm not sure and I'm too tired to go look) of beef stock for the occasion. I thought chicken stock wouldn't be hearty enough and beef did the trick. Here's a pic o' the shindig on my cutting board:

Then I put it all together in the crock pot for a cookin' party. I added about 90% of the second quart of stock (not pictured, since I am sure you all can count) and then put the rest in the refrigerator; you'll understand why in a minute. This is the beginning of the stew party in my handy dandy crock pot (btw, I have an actual name brand Crock Pot- yes, I do know I should always use the proper noun form, ie capitalize it, but I don't care- so I refuse to say "slow cooker". Now you know.) Anyway, enjoy the pic:

After cooking on low all day, while we were at church and the like, the stew was smelling SO good! I used the refrigerated leftover stock to mix up a few TB of corn starch; I added it to the stew about 5 minutes before serving and the thick consistency was perfect. As the thickener did its thang I chopped up a few sprigs of fresh, organic flat leaf parsley. Then, I spooned the stew into a bowl, added a dollop of sour cream (my husband was disgusted, because he thinks he doesn't like sour cream, but then when he had seconds he added it on his own because he realized that I was right- it really does add a rich creaminess, another layer of flavor, to the deliciousness of the stew!), and sprinkled on the parsley.

Here are two pics of the final product; the first is with flash and the second is without. Usually I think a flash washes out the food, though it doesn't here, but just in case you get both views :)

It was SOOOO good! Warm and comforting, tasty and filling, very healthy and totally gluten free, so my husband won't get sick. Plus, the meat was so tender- usually venison can be a little tough, but cooking on low all day made it super tender and it had the same melt-in-your-mouth consistency as beef.

So... that was dinner :) Yummy, right?

Hasta kids!

Oh, It Could Be So Nice, Growing Old With You

2008-12-06T20:28:00.000-08:00

[Grow Old With You, Adam Sandler]

The sexy husband and I are watching The Wedding Singer. I love this movie :) Adam Sandler is one of my favorite actors, along with Will Smith and Mark Wahlberg. Now you know.

Here is how hot and sexy my man is; this was him working really hard last night:

Too funny :)

So tonight's dinner was nearly a major disaster; I tried to get creative with the rice and ended up with some almost form of risotto that looked and pretty much tasted like vomit. See for yourself.

Gross, right? I gave up on the rice and started over. You'll see much better results in a moment, I promise.

Another problem was that the fresh, organic dill I purchased only two days ago looked like this when I went to chop it up for our salmon:

I couldn't choose between the two pics so here is another view:

However, despite the rotten nastiness- believe me that I know how to buy fresh food and it looked much better when I made the purchase- dinner turned out really well.

Indeed, I was able to save the day- I picked out a few not-rotten parts, chopped 'er up, and then put it with a wee bit o' lemon juice on some frozen salmon in a zip and steam bag (or whatever they are called). For the rice I toasted some pine nuts, added pesto (I know, kind of redundant), a splish (less than a splash) of lemon juice, and goat cheese to the pan and stirred until the goat cheese melted. After the sauce was done I stacked the salmon on some rice and pesto sauce, sprinkled on a little grated parm (parmesan reggiano) cheese and a wee bit more freshly chopped dill. Here are two views of the final (gluten free!) result:

Have I mentioned how much I love our new camera? Because I LOVE our new camera!

It was so delicious, totally gluten free, and pretty stinking healthy. Yum-ay.

So I was sorting through a few pictures and came across the following pics that make me miss my long hair :(

This picture makes me believe that, under all of that fat, I might actually be pretty!

Same with this one- I think I might maybe may have decent facial structure... there's always hope.

My eyes are buggin' out, but my cheeks are so cute and pink and I so just love my hair. I miss that hair.

Same here- cheesy smile, but I miss my long hair!

This one's after I cut my hair early this summer, and it's cute, but it's even shorter now-- this is what it looked like when I first had it cut in... October? I can't remember now.

My face looks fat, washed out, and totally red and splotchy. Such is life. Just focus on the hair :)

Here's what it looks like now- I will be honest and admit that I didn't shower today, and my hair has been pulled back in a pony (as much of a pony as hair this short can go) for the entirety of the day. It looks kind of lame. But you can see the length, and since that's all that really matters, here ya go:

Please ignore my snaggleteeth creeping through my lips. I really, really look forward to getting those fixed. But my hair is so short! I miss my long locks!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the photo journey. It was kind of spur of the moment, but don't you agree? My hair was so gorgeous when it was long! Shucks.

He Said Ask Anything

2008-12-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

[You Found Me, The Fray]

I just returned from a lovely date with my sexy husband. We discovered that our local Starbucks has this sweet upstairs area with couches and chairs and such that not everyone knows about so you can actually sit and talk without 56,000 people crowding you out. At this moment he is repacking our awesome new Cuisinart because it doesn't work. I discovered, the hard way (aka with a bunch of onions and garlic already in the prep bowl to be chopped up), that when you turn it on nothing happens... other than outlets blow. Good thing we have little circuit breakers on our outlets, so it didn't affect our wider electrical system. So it's a bummer that it's defective, but the sweet thing is that there is a KILLER deal at Macy's today, so we get to have a refund for our 7-cup processor and get the 11-cup processor for the same price as the 7-cup on sale. We are saving $180 and paying $99. Sweet deal, if you ask me. Go Macy's.

Ooooh, I just realized that I have a $30 Macy's gift card left over from our wedding *ahemthatoccurred15monthsago* so we'll end up saving even more. Ah, good deals. How I love them.

My oral surgery follow-up went well, btw. I'm healing nicely. It was just so extensive that it takes time. My pain is manageable with ibuprofen and I have a syringe to irrigate the wounds... now it's just a matter of being patient, keeping on with the saltwater rinses, and accepting that having my mouth sliced open hurts and takes time to heal. Go figure.

But none of you really care about dates and food processors and oral surgery right now, do you? Because, if you are at all attentive, you remember that today I met with the best bariatric surgeon in the Pac NW (if you don't know what Pac NW means I sort of disown you) and you are eagerly anticipating details. Well, here you go-- I'm sure I'll be long winded, but you love me for it. Get a glass of water and settle in for the ride.

One thing I have been kind of battling with is the fact that there is a more extreme surgery than gastric bypass called the duodenal [pronounced doo-odd-in-uhl] switch (I'll shorten it to DS for future use). It's the same idea- shrinking the stomach and bypassing a section of the intestines; the DS is just far more extensive. For the truly curious, here are two diagrams; just click on each link to see drawings that represent each procedure:

Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass

Duodenal Switch

As you can see, the DS just does way more. I've been torn, because the DS has better numbers as far as excess weight loss. I'm not sure it's covered by insurance (they couldn't give me a straight answer but most insurances consider it "experimental" and refuse to cover it until there is more data) and I know Dr. Chebli doesn't perform the DS. Once again, I prayed for wisdom from Jesus, that we'd walk away from the appointment sure of what to do. Once again, Jesus totally answered my prayer.

We are sticking with gastric bypass and Dr. Chebli. He said that the DS does have better numbers, because it's so drastic that for some patients who are set on failure (aka eating horribly and not exercising) the surgery wins. The body simply cannot absorb enough nutrients to gain a lot of weight. Also, he is very much on top of expertise in the WLS arena and he wouldn't recommend me to anyone in the Pac NW- the only two surgeons he trusts enough to recommend by name are located in Miami and Washington, D.C. DS requires very close lifelong follow-up with the actual surgeon and I would have to make multiple trips- dozens in the initial year- to the surgeon. It's just not feasible for us.

So here's the cool thing- Dr. Chebli was very careful not to be a salesman. He was honest about the benefits of DS, that it could have better results for me, since my BMI is 57. That said, his RNY (an abbreviation for the proper name of Roux-en-Y gastric bypass) numbers are similar to most DS numbers for other surgeons because his program is really that good. He is very careful in screening, to make sure patients are really ready to commit to the life changes, and the support before and after surgery is unmatched by most programs around the nation. He didn't say that- I know that from the research I have done. That's why he's the best of the best.

Also, if I'm really honest with myself, having a surgery that wins when I am intentionally undisciplined would be VERY bad for me. I need a full change- spiritual, psychological, emotional, and physical. No shortcuts- WLS in general is a tool, but not a shortcut. I know that if I commit to the work required I will be successful, and that Dr. Chebli's program is the best option for me. So that is settled- pursuing RNY I am.

Yoda is still family related.

The other big take away from the apt. is that the pre-surgery requirements will be a LOT of work. Seriously. I will do a vlog , hopefully later tonight, about everything I need to get done. Various tests, studies, procedures, and tons of records gathering shall ensue in the upcoming months. And I need to lose 18.4 pounds and be on a low-carb diet (30g of carbs a day... that's VERY few for those who are not carb conscious! There are 13g in an 8oz glass- 1 serving- of milk!) to help reduce the fattiness and size of my liver. I found out why- if my liver is too large, and thus in the way, Dr. Chebli would have to switch from a laparoscopic procedure- a few small holes to insert instruments, cameras, etc, with a very short recovery time- to an open procedure- where he cuts me open with a large incision and thus drastically increases the health risks (greater chance of infection, etc) and recovery time.

So... overall, the appointment went really well. My one slight concern is this- I have to provide medical proof of obesity spanning back five years in order for insurance to approve my surgery. There is a zero percent chance that they'll renege on this requirement. Insurance companies are trying to make money, after all. If I can only provide evidence dating back 3 years, for example, insurance can put off my surgery 2 years and hope that I either change my mind, lose weight w/o surgery (thus w/o payment from them), or am no longer on their coverage.

The deal is, 5 years ago I was a junior in college and rarely went to the doctor. And, sadly, when I did visit the health center for a cold I don't ever remember being weighed. I know I was obese- I was 290 pounds in June of 2003, which I know because of a scale in my home. I'm just not sure that I have medical records to prove it.

I'm not going to stress- I will trust in Jesus. If this surgery is right for me, He is God, He is in control, and He'll work out the details. I can stress out about it, but I don't need to, because stressing won't change a thing. I can trust God that if these details don't work out then He knows what's best. That said, I am praying to Jesus that this is His will and that He'll work it out. I will do my work, gathering every shred of medical evidence and preparing diligently. Beyond that it's in His hands. That said, if you are one who prays I certainly appreciate your prayer support!

Overall, things are on the right path. I'll go post a vlog now with more details re: pre-requirements for surgery, and I'll edit this post when I'm done to include the link and embedded video. And my in-depth and lengthy post I promised is still in progress, so worry not!

Aight, here's the link and below is the embedded vlog for your lazy viewing pleasure.

Hasta, kids.

Lying On The Floor

2008-12-03T21:10:00.000-08:00

[You Found Me, The Fray]

Hola. I have many random thoughts today. The first of which is that my quoted song is my new song obsession. The Fray are definitely in my top 5 favorite bands, maybe even top 3 (I should figure that out. I have homework. A meme, perhaps?) and I've been waiting rather impatiently for any new material from them. This song honestly blew me away with its wonderfulness. Plus, I watched the LOST video set to this song on iTunes and it only made me love the song more and increase my yearning for January 21, 2009. Shucks.

Moving on.

I find it incredibly... something... that Britney Spears is six weeks younger than I am, basically. She was born on December 2, 1981, and two days later I turned six weeks old. That's crazy to me... just how incredibly different our lives are despite being essentially the same age.

Also, sadly, I'm still dealing with... gastrointestinal issues... but I just need to say that Dulcolax is AMAZING. No, really. I'm very grateful.

The bummer is that I weighed myself this morning and I was 365.5 pounds. I was SO upset for about 5 seconds. But I just have to believe that it's random stuff- PMS [insert pet peeve- I HATE it when people say "PMS" to describe when they're on their actual period. PMS means PRE-menstrual symptoms, as in the stuff that happens before you actually start bleeding. Totally annoys me.] is hitting hard. My breasts are swollen and tender, so that must mean there's some sort of fluid causing it. I'm going to tell you something I really probably shouldn't- I say "breasts" on here, sounding all proper... but in real life I say boobies or boobs. How embarrassing.

ANYway... so PMS is hitting, then there's the whole constipation issue (ack! I actually said it!), plus the gallon (ok, mere exaggeration) of saltwater I rinse with every day to prevent infections in my mouth wounds, the probable reaction of my body to all of the various narcotics I've been pumping into my body. And there's just no way I have eaten nearly 40,000 extra calories in the last two weeks since my last weigh in (I was 354 a couple of weeks ago). It's just not possible. So yeah, I'm disappointed, but I can't freak out about it. If I do I'll set myself up for a possible binge and then I will eat extra calories.

The good news is that I went for a 25+ minute walk yesterday and today, and I plan to tomorrow as well. I sweat so much both times that my (very short) hair at the nape of my neck became so wet that I was uber cold for the next hour and a half after I cooled down. I am not even exaggerating. It's pretty sad. It was like forty-some degrees out and yet I sweat as if I were in my last chance workout with Jillian AND Bob from The Biggest Loser each time. Gross. Anyway, I also ate really well both days. Honestly, I've been eating really well in general. I made a poor choice on Monday out of extreme hunger (I didn't have time to eat before J's appointment and was so hungry afterward that I was ready to pass out, almost literally) to eat Arby's, plus some dumb choices on Thanksgiving day, but other than that I've been really on point. I feel good about that.

So the deal is, I just weighed myself, in clothes and only a few hours past dinner, and it was 366.7. I have to believe that this morning was a fluke. Plus, the laxative has worked kind of overly well (I know you get that!) and I've had multiple opportunities to... drop some pounds today, all post weigh in. So I'll redo it tomorrow morning, hopefully with much better results.

A trick I have found, for myself, is to eat ice cream bars at night instead of any other dessert. Jason and I just really love ice cream for dessert, but I so tend to overeat when it's from a 1/2 gallon container. Since I can't really handle the crunchiness of my beloved Skinny Cow cones, I have some Dove bars. Triple chocolate, baby! It might sound like, "Ack! Girl, you eat a 280 cal bar for dessert?" but if I were eating regular ice cream it would likely be closer to a 400-500 calorie bowl. So i'sallgood.

Lastly, dinner tonight was AMAZING! See, this one loves herself some twins. I want twins. I've ALWAYS wanted twins. They don't run in my family, nor Jason's, but I am just believing God that I'll have twins! Adopt, maybe, if need be. But, so you can understand my neuroses, I heard once that in cultures with a high consumption of yams there is a greater preponderance of twins compared to non-yam peoples. I, of course, have since desired to consume many a yam. However, sweet potatoes are easy to find... yams not so much. Since yams and sweet potatoes are not the same thing, not even remotely (true story !), I've felt robbed of my ability to convince my body twins are for me.

All of that said, my favorite local hippie store had organic yams and so tonight's dinner was a chicken breast (seasoned and grilled, no oil) and "yam fries". Basically, I handcut two yams into fry shapes, put them in a big ziploc bag with 1 TB of canola oil, salt, pepper, a touch of curry and seasoning salts, and paprika. I then baked them (thus removing the actual "fry"-ness) 10 minutes on each side, and they were AMAZING. Jas did the chicken PERFECTLY (love my all caps when I'm excited about food?) and it was so tasty, and it was under 500 calories. Ooooh, and totally gluten free!

And... because my INCREDIBLE new camera (ours is black... my lovers' fave color and I aim to please) came today y'all get a pic! Too bad I discovered that it has a cuisine setting (a cuisine setting!!) post-dinner consumption. Wah-oops. This in no way displays the superiority of my new camera! I also discovered the super macro (as in super up-close) mode after the fact, as well.

This pic, however, does display the awesomeosity that is our new camera:

(click on this one to see it large and in charge!)

Yup. That's my eye, all sorts of up close and personal.

Here's my man, looking mad fine:

Aight, I should wrap up. I have a very deep post en route, but it will be long and detailed, unlike this one ;), and I want to really let the processing happen before I dive in... I never used to do that, but I guess that's how I know I'm growing up. Twenty-seven should mean something, methinks. That said, something wonderful happened today- a reader nominated me for a blog award . If you don't keep up with the times, I am aka Tami (Tam, Timtam, Tamalam, Tizzam, Tam* [pronounced Tamstar, as in Tamstar, as in Tamstar Runner. If you get that, you are very, very cool. Or you went to college.], Tamitha, Tamela [like Pamela], et cetera.) to most people. As a result, I am the "Tami" in her nominations. Her words re: me are very kind, incredibly generous, and I am truly humbled. I'm not quite cool enough to nominate anyone, at least not tonight. Sleepy, I am.

[Yoda is my step-dad's cousin, twice removed.]

On that note, I'm out.

Hasta, kids.

If I Have To Manufacture A Song Then I Won't Use One

2008-12-01T13:03:00.000-08:00

I have nothing in my head re: song lyrics to title this post, thus we're going generic.

Thoughts: my teeth still hurt like crazy. Well, the bottom ones. Seriously, if my whole mouth was like the top teeth (well, the top holes) I'd be pretty much back to normal living. The left side is pretty swollen around the stitches and sore. It's the good side, sadly. The right side is MESSED up. The tooth was actually kind of out to the side, toward my cheek, from the rest of my teeth, so the hole kind of goes into the side of my cheek. The stitch came out and so there's this huge- HUGE- hole on the inside of my cheek and, honestly, it hurts like mad. The percocet helps, but I will be real with you all- it's going to be a rough week, chasing after a running around Brodster and dealing with massive pain. Ugh.

I'll be ok. I don't need to whine.

In other news, my man had to get an endoscopy today. Basically, he had to go under with anesthesia, and then a tube was inserted through his mouth down through his esophagus and stomach, into his small intestine. The doc then removed a few pieces of his intestinal lining to do a biopsy and see if he has Celiac's disease. That's a gluten allergy that basically causes lesions similar to what he gets on his epidermis (skin) to form on the lining of his small intestines. So, now he's basically passed out on the couch trying to sleep off the anesthesia. He was so, so cute when he came out from the procedure, though. I just felt so tender toward him. I want to kiss his sweet forehead right now, but he needs his sleep.

He's SO funny- he keeps saying random and funny things. Like, he's VERY modest (sometimes I call him a prude, usually in love!) but I was watching last night's DVR'd episode of Iron Chef America and Iron Chef Symon used something called geoduck (pronounced gooey-duck). It's actually a clam, and it's... interesting. So, my very reserved husband pops off, very matter of factly, "That looks like a penis." I about choked on my own tongue! It was too hilarious. And, if I haven't already lost about half of my reader base (my lovely conservative Christian type friends! I'm one too, just less... traditional!), I would be remiss not to share with you this picture that I found when I Google-imaged "geoduck". I laughed so hard that I woke up poor sleepy Jason :)

May please note here how much it sucks to not be able to yawn properly? I can half yawn by trying to stretch the back of my mouth / throat and breathing deeply, but my ears are desperate for a huge yawn. The problem is that my jaw is so tight right now that I can't really open it all the way, and it would (painfully) stretch my wounds so... meh.

So, an observation I had at J's clinic, while I was waiting, was that if I want a long life I need to lose this weight. I mean, duh, but there were a lot of very elderly people there, generally ranging from their late 60's to late 70's, and none of them were overweight. One lady, probably in her 80's, was brought in by an obese companion (daughter? Not sure) in her 50's and the thin older lady seemed to be doing better with walking and getting around than did the heavier younger one.

Also, I saw a woman whom I am not sure I would ever be like, but I was fascinated by her. She looked to be in her later 60's, and she was seriously simply a much older version of that super cute fit girl you see at the supermarket and want to be like. She was wearing cropped, cotton workout pants, a fitted jacket, and tennis shoes with hidden short socks. Her legs were thin, with surprisingly youthful calves exposed. Plus, her butt was way cuter at her age than your average (read: overweight) American girl in her 20's! I'm not sure that I'll ever be that itty-bitty and fit, but she was very much an inspiration.

Length of life is definitely a concern for me at this very large size.

Two quick things: my initial appt with Dr. Chebli re: WLS, likely gastric bypass, is Friday at 11. I'll be sure to fill you all in after the fact (though my wisdom teeth follow up is at 2:45 so I'm not sure when I'll have time to update Friday). Also, the first of the month snuck up on me (whoops) so I'll have to weigh in tomorrow morning. Hopefully I won't forget. I'm a little nervous about the number because a) I'm getting PMS- the first symptoms came today and b) not to gross anyone out, but the narcotics seem to... ahem... back up my system. I'm normally a very regular chica, as in every day if not 2-3 times a day, but on these drugs I have only unloaded 2 times in 8 days and neither of them were full-on jobs.

So... now you know. Penises and poop, all in one post. Lucky you! On that note, I'm done now.

Hasta, kids!

And I Have Learned...

2008-11-28T10:57:00.000-08:00

... That Even Landlocked Lovers Yearn For The Sea Like Navy Men

[Brothers On A Hotel Bed, Death Cab For Cutie]

I am not really able to focus well enough to write a real blog post. My drugs seem to help make me loopy but not really take away my pain. I'm pretty sure I said this, but 2/3 of my lower gumline are just a big stitch fest. Does that even make sense? Meh.

I made really stupid food choices yesterday- I ate 2 Twinkies and a few bites of Ho Ho's and a large McD's fry and two double cheeseburgers, plus my Thanksgiving meal fare. I was legitimately crazy hungry- I haven't eaten much besides pudding since Sunday night, save for yesterday. But those were just stupid things to eat, and I feel sick today as a result. My stomach isn't used to food like that and it's reminding me that we stay away from gross processed foods for a reason. Ick. I will seriously never make food choices when I am in pain, on heavy duty meds, and crazy hungry again.

In other news, I saved birthday money and purchased this late last night. My current cam is an Olympus and I really love it. But it's almost 6 years old, and 3.1 megapixels just aren't enough anymore! Plus, it doesn't have image stabilization and it doesn't like to open up well anymore (it has a slide deal to open it up and activate the lens) and the battery only stays charged for like 10 minutes. I can't get close up to things, which would be really helpful for my pictures of foode creations. So, time for a new and better camera it is :) I really want this , but Jas and I have agreed that is something we'll hold off on until we have children.

I'm sure there's more to say but I honestly feel really pukey so I'm gonna rest now. I hope you all had a really wonderful Thanksgiving and if you are not an American then I hope you simply had a fantastic Thursday :) As for all of you Black Friday nutsos, I hope you take a nap :) I was going to buy my camera today at Costco but then I realized that it was only $10 more on Amazon and I needed to buy a big memory card anyway. The card was $22, so I would have spent more to get free shipping and it all worked out rather well for me. Happy day :)

I'ma go rest now. Jason is going to buy Wall-E for me today, and we'll snuggle and watch it tonight. I really look forward to that. I know I will love that movie and will watch it again and again, and it barely costs more to buy it than to rent it. Which reminds me- Blockbuster is going to get rid of all of it's brick-and-mortar stores and focus on its online rentals. Crazy, right? I'm a Netflix girl myself, but we're on the cheapest plan (2 a month, 1 at a time) and I'm not really sure what I'm talking about anymore so I'm just gonna hush up and end now.

Hasta, kids.

Lost And Insecure

2008-11-25T10:39:00.000-08:00

[You Found Me, The Fray]

EDIT: I forgot to mention another bit o' good news- anytime bone is removed the hospital automatically puts the patient on antibiotics as a precaution- infection in exposed bone is not such a good thing. So, I'm on Amoxicillin, and along with following all of the other instructions for post-surgery care to a T, my chances of infection should be pretty low. Here's to hope!

I really don't feel like writing this, but I am going to anyway.

Yesterday's surgery was rough. For one, I didn't have any water (or food, but the water was the roughest part) for 21 hours so I had the worst dehydration headache. I do a good job of staying hydrated, generally speaking, so not having water for that long was HORRIBLE.

Also, the anesthesia and I had issues. I remember waking up, and I cried a LOT. I kept asking for Jason. Also, they had to transfer me (all 357 pounds of me) from the surgery bed back onto the bed that rolled into my recovery room. I remember saying, quite tearfully, over and over, these phrases:

"I'm so fat... I'm sorry I'm so fat."

"I'm sorry I made your job so hard to do because I'm so fat."

"I want Jason... [sobs] I want Jason... [sobs] I want Jason... [sobs]"

"Was I a good patient?"

"I try to be a good person... I'm sorry I'm so fat."

I feel pretty weird that I kept saying those things. Me not on anesthesia would never say those things, other than begging for Jason.

I feel ick. I have no appetite... the saddest thing hit me last night, though. Jason was eating dinner, and I was feeling terrible from the aftereffects of the drugs, but I had no desire to eat anything. At the same time, though, I was feeling pretty sad and I really wished I could eat. It hit me right in the face how much I use food as comfort. Sadly, food is what comforts me more than anything else. Poor Jason... he's been doing such a great job trying to take care of me. Today, I don't want anything. I want to just sleep and wake up and not feel this ick.

I hope this post makes sense. They have me on heavy duty oxycodone / percocet.

The thing is, people told me that this wouldn't be such a huge deal. But my surgery was pretty heavy duty. Like, my top teeth were no big deal. But my bottom teeth were massively impacted, and the surgeon had to remove chunks of my jawbone. There are a bunch of stitches all over where my bottom wisdom teeth were. Seriously, I am super swollen and can't really get my tongue back there, but the stitches and hole are about the size of 2 quarters on each side of my mouth. That's just a mess.

The good news is that I'm not bleeding much. The bad news is that my jaw hurts horribly, like someone punched me over and over in the face... or like a surgeon drilled out chunks of bone. Ick. The drugs make me feel kind of ick and dizzy and pukey but all I can eat is a pudding cup. All I have had to eat since Sunday night is 4 pudding cups... I tried to eat some cottage cheese but then I felt freaked out like chunks would get stuck in the holes in my mouth so I ixnayed that idea. The pudding cups don't help the medicine not make me feel sick but I do not want to eat anything else. I guess it's a good diet :)

We're supposed to drive to my parent's house (about 6 hours) tomorrow, so I would appreciate prayers from anyone who thinks to, just that I'll start feeling better enough to be able to make that trip and not be miserable.

Lastly, here is a pic of me looking super sexy, with ice bags on my head and bloody scabs where the tape from the breathing tube tore off my skin. Sad.

Enjoy.

It Seems To Me That Maybe, It Pretty Much Always Means No

2008-11-23T21:08:00.000-08:00

[Flake, Jack Johnson]

So blogging may be pretty sketchy this week. I am getting my wisdom teeth, all four, out tomorrow. I have to go completely under and my two bottom teeth are impacted pretty badly, so I'm going to have a bloody mess of a mouth and lots of hopped up drug experiences this week. It's a good diet plan for Thanksgiving, though, so that's my one good thing :)

Beyond that, it's a pretty simple week. The family I nanny for is back east for the holiday, and I get to have the whole week to recover. My husband and I are planning to drive to my parents' house Wednesday, and then we'll be back by Thursday night because Jason has to work at 3am in the wee hours of Friday morning. The week will speed by!

I'm not feeling particularly chatty tonight- two dear, dear friends from my college years visited today and I pretty much talked for the better part of the last 9+ hours! If I'm feeling well enough I'll write this week; if I'm not up to it then right now I want to wish you all a very wonderful Thanksgiving! I truly hope that people will think about being grateful for all that they have. It's easy to focus on what we don't have, but I'm so thankful that this year marks my first Thanksgiving having been married to my husband for the full year past. I'm grateful for how much our marriage has improved and grown, how much I have changed and matured. We have had very difficult financial times, but we have never missed a meal, even amid broken cars we have always been able to get where we need to go, and we've lived in cozy homes and never had to miss paying a bill. We've been very, very blessed. We have an incredible church home that we're a part of, and Jesus has really changed our hearts to be more grateful people, far more servant hearted toward one another and others than we were a year ago. I'm so grateful.

I hope you all feel much the same about the wonders in your life.

... And I Watch Them Grow

2008-11-20T22:57:00.000-08:00

[Somewhere Over The Rainbow, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole]

I love absolutely EVERYTHING about this picture.

I know someone from college who adopted the little boy in this picture. That's the boy with his grandpa.

We intend to adopt some of the children we raise (we're hoping to raise 5-6 and to adopt probably 2-4 of them). I hope that they are of multiple races and ethnicities. I hate that Brangelina made this trendy, btw. I had this idea before I had ever heard of her, and was blessed to marry someone with similar views.

I have been to orphanages in China and Honduras, and no one will ever be able to convince me that adopting those children into a loving, Christ-centered home is a bad idea.

Again, I love EVERYTHING about this picture.

It's Nothing To Cry About

2008-11-19T20:50:00.000-08:00

[I Will Follow You Into The Dark, Death Cab For Cutie]

Tonight's dinner was DELICIOUS. 'Twas simple, too. I cut up a few chicken breasts (boneless and skinless, of course), chopped up an onion and some garlic, and began cooking it in a TB or two of e.v. olive oil. Meanwhile, some rice was on the back burner doing it's thang with water. After a coupla minutes I added salt & pepper (we get the grind-it-yourself... I wanted to say "grind-it-yo-damn-self" there... funny... kind from Costco. I highly recommend this.) and then a cup or three- I didn't measure- of chicken stock. I let that reduce for a few minutes, maybe more like 8, and then added four heaping TB of tasty Costco Kirkland Signature pesto. I love that stuff.

At this point I realized it was more of a pesto soup than a pesto sauce so I mixed up two heaping TB of corn starch in 4 or so ounces of cold milk (that's the trick- did y'all know that? Hot liquid + corn starch = Lumpy like a rumpled fanny) and added that. Then I added about 1/2 cup finely chopped walnuts and about 3/4 cup feta... yummy! I let it simmer for about 3 minutes while I prepared some fresh, organic flat leaf parsley and thyme.

Here's the final product:

(click on image for larger view)

The sauce itself turned kind of beige when I had to add the milk/cs mixture so it's good that the parsley livens the color scheme up. And yes, I know that's a heck lot of parsley, but it added a really great fresh & light punch to the dish. It was really tasty. We have leftovers for tomorrow.

The great news is that it's totally gluten free! I was worried about us living on meat and steamed veggies, which would utterly stifle my creativity, but this was really good and I completely made up the recipe. Plus, it's super healthy. The least healthy part was the olive oil, and that's not half bad. I do know it would be healthier with brown rice but, sadly, I hate brown rice. Hate it. Ironically, I hate white bread and love whole wheat bread. 'Tis irrelevant now. I kind of wish I loved brown rice, since it's better for you, but I don't so I'll settle for white rice being my "unhealthy" food. Far better than pizza and burgers, that's for sure.

In other news, I threw up today. Not a purge. I am fighting off this cold, and I found a trick for taking Airborne. The stuff is disgusting, so I tried dissolving it in OJ. It just turns to big fat chunks of undissolved nastiness in cold liquid. So, I had a stroke of genius- just a few TB of warm water dissolve an Airborne in like 30 seconds. Then, I add OJ (cold, of course) to it and drink up. 'Tis brilliant, believe me. Sadly, though, the bbq sauce from my lunch was not feeling the Airborne and organic OJ mix so much, and waves of nausea came over me, and I totally puked. I felt so ick that I forgot to eat my skinny cow cone. You know it's serious if I miss my carefully allotted chocolate treat.

On a totally different note, I'm in a very Death Cab For Cutie kind of way tonight. I don't know why. I keep listening to their songs. Transatlanticism is, I think, one of the greatest songs ever written. Very touching. Takes me back to when I was a transplant in eastern NC and my man was back here in the Seattle area. I would listen to the song, on repeat, and physically ache for him.

... I need you so much closer... so come on...

I mentioned to a friend via the genius that is gmail chat my Death Cab leanings. His response was perfect, and how I will end this post. (Yeah, you finally get a shortish one. Enjoy it while it lasts, kids.)

9:33 PM me: I'm suddenly in a very Death Cab kind of mood

9:34 PM Clinton: death cab is SO good in Seattle0

srsly

they've captured the mood of that place

at night

slightly raining

. . . I miss that place

me: Yes

9:35 PM I will never leave this city unless God literally speaks audibly to Jason and I... this is my home until I die

I love it here

It's night and slightly raining, btw. And, for any newbies, I live in Seattle. Actual Seattle, not the 'burbs.

Night... slightly raining... Seattle... Death Cab... Love it.

Is This The Moment Where I Look You In The Eye?

2008-11-18T20:42:00.000-08:00

[Permanent, David Cook]

Tonight I wasn't able to go to Community Group; Jason has a nasty cold and I can feel my body trying to fight it off. I came home to drink lots of OJ, take an Airborne, and hopefully I'll get to bed early and get a ton of sleep. I really need to not get sick. I've been avoiding contact with J (totally SUCKS!) so as to try and not get his germs, washing my hands all the time, and just so trying to not get sick.

The deal is, the family I nanny for is going back east for Thanksgiving, and they're leaving Saturday. It would just be cruel to get the little bug sick and then have his parents trying to fly across the country with a sick baby. Not cool. I'm doing my best to not rub my eyes and then touch him, etc.

So that's that. Eating has been going really well. I've figured out a few ways to stay on track. For one, I know I am a sweet eater. I can snack on 3,500 calories (a pound!) worth of crap and junk and not feel satisfied. If I just eat a sweet- usually chocolate- I am satisfied. Last week it was so hard because there were lots of treats where I nanny, healthy ones even, but they were all earmarked and not ok for me to eat. I wanted to eat and eat and eat and eat. I chose not to snack on a bunch of stuff (funny that I just said that, because Jillian is yelling at Michelle about choosing not to quit on The Biggest Loser right now), but I don't know how long I would hold up under that kind of pressure.

So, the sweet solution (bad pun, I know) I came up with is to bring some treat of my own. I brought my new and favorite (and much beloved!) Skinny Cow ice cream cones. They should totally pay me, by the way. Meh. The other thing is that I have been back on a milk kick (if you know me, you know that I LOVE milk. Seriously. LOVE it. I've been trying to not drink so much, though.) and I have a serving size- one serving size!- with my lunch. The milk tends to run out at work so I decided to bring my own quart- I purchased organic milk and it is AMAZING. We can't afford to get it all of the time yet (we buy milk at Costco; I know you can get two gallons at Safeway for the same price but it tastes icky to me. I like Costco milk.) but it's a great treat with lunch each day.

Anyway, I actually do have a point here :) There was a day last week where I went to get my glass of milk, it was gone, and it triggered the desire to just eat and eat and eat whatever I could get my chubby paws on. Once again, I didn't give in and I was "good", but what if next time that happens I'm having a rough day or I'm PMS'ing- a time when rational choices seem to fade into the mist- and I'm simply not as strong? I need to set myself up to succeed and do whatever I can to avoid failure, thus my treats and milk.

My mind has really been ruminating on obesity. What is it that causes some of us to turn to food? To become addicted to it? Why do some people always struggle to put down the fork or not put the junk in the shopping cart? How come some people use food as their drug and other people turn to actual drugs or unhealthy relationships or hurting themselves? Why do some people punish themselves with starvation and others with bingeing?

I don't have any answers. I mean, some girls who are sexually abused get addicted to attention and affection from boys and others, like me, turn to food for comfort. I have friends who love to exercise and run; why do I hate it so much? Why don't I love exercise and see food as just a pleasure to enjoy in moderation? Do I blame my upbringing? Am I genetically predisposed? I don't know.

I hate that people probably see me as weak. I don't know what it is like to not struggle with obesity and I can't imagine what people who don't know this fight must think of me. I hate to be a stereotype. I don't feel like I am that fat person I see in the mirror... I wish the mirror would reflect who I feel I am. Not that I think I am beautiful, but I don't feel like the 350 pound fat lady. I know I am, but just last week I was walking around at work and I thought to myself, "I feel like a normal sized person. Only when I see my ass waddle as I walk by a mirror do I realize that I am totally and completely huge."

Anyway.

A sidenote about The Biggest Loser-- has anyone else noticed that, generally speaking, the show seems to be gravitating toward prettier and prettier girls? Like, they're fat to start, but once they lose weight they totally fit our culture's standards of beauty. I'm not saying pretty fat girls don't deserve to get thin, too, but it seems a little unfair. I think the only female on tonight's show that isn't basically gorgeous, despite the weight, is Vicki. No offense to her. Everyone else is so pretty. Seriously, Coleen is GORGEOUS and it was obvious when she was 218 pounds that if she lost even 50 or so pounds (not out of the ordinary) she'd be totally hot. Honestly, it's so sad, but I think that the producers know that no one wants to watch a show where women lose weight but still aren't pretty.

This is so tragic. It's not enough in this world to lose weight and get a thin body- you also have to have a pretty face to feel valuable and worthy. It's hard enough to be fat in this world, but the subliminal message that you also have to have been born with a face considered beautiful by our cultural standards to be a person deserving of love is pretty sad.

This brings up a secret fear- I don't really know what my face looks like under all of this fat. I know that my profile is really flat and that I was called "owl face" in the sixth grade. What if I work so hard and I get gastric bypass and I do lose 200+ pounds and my body even responds well and my skin isn't all flabby but I don't have a pretty face? How sad might that be? I'm not saying it's reason enough to give up on this battle, but I would be lying if I neglected to admit the times when I felt like I won't ever be pretty, regardless of weight, so I might as well just do the easy thing and eat what I want and be fat.

Ultimately, my worth is in Jesus and who He says I am, what He says I am. Totally valued, completely loved, altogether cherished, of inherent worth. Even if I don't lose a single pound more in my lifetime this will remain true, though I'll have to deal with the ramifications of sin. I believe the Bible and what I know in my heart to be true, that I am loved and accepted by the God of this entire existence as we know it. Still, I find myself torn. I want to be loved and accepted by people, too. At my size, and possibly with this face, I'll never get it, but I still want to be thought of as beautiful. You ladies know this battle- to be complimented on character is never enough. We want people to see us and gasp at how gorgeous we are.

I sometimes have flitting daydreams of people from my past seeing me and being astounded at how I look, some 200 pounds less of me to impress them. This is, I think, why I fear seeing anyone now because I'm so fat, fatter than most remember me and I was plenty fat back when I last saw them, so fat that I just think they'll be disgusted and reject all of me, "inner beauty" along with my despicable exterior.

Body image. Seriously, it's messed up. For all of us.

I Think I Could Understand

2008-11-17T20:20:00.000-08:00

[If I Were A Boy, Beyonce]

So, there have been many serious posts as of late. Totally cool. A lighthearted post is needed every now and then, though, and I liked fatmumslim 's meme so I am doing it, too. How's that for an HYC update?

1 . Were you named after anyone? Yeah. My mom had a friend named Tammy Tobeck. Not sure why my name is spelled Tami; I guess she just liked it that way. Tammy died of a heroin overdose, though, so that's sad. I don't touch drugs, so that's a good thing.

2. Do you still have your tonsils? Nope. Out at, I think, 12 years old. I haven't had strep throat in 16 years; I had it about 5 times in the year before I had them out, so I suppose that was a wise choice on my mother's part, the whole tonsillectomy bit.

3. Would you bungee jump? Probably not. Even if I weighed 110 pounds (which, on me, would be gross) I wouldn't so much be into it. I love roller coasters, though. Can't wait to be un-fat enough to be able to fit into one again.

4. What is your favourite cereal? It's a toss up- raisin bran, frosted mini-wheats, cracklin' oat bran. I can't eat any of them anymore, what with the whole gluten deal; I like rice chex and they seem to be gluten free so that's happy.

5. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? All but never.

6. What is your favourite ice cream? I sure loves me some B&J's New York Super Fudge Chunk, but my new passion is Skinny Cow cones. Tasty and low cal. Superb. [I kept the Brit/Aussie version of "favourite" on purpose. Save with #4.].

7. What is the first thing you notice about people? Honestly, their body shape. Fat, thin, etc. Probably due to my own body image issues.

8. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? The whole being a sinner deal. Not ideal.

9. What was the last thing you ate? A skinny cow ice cream cone :)

10. What are you listening to right now? Commercials from last week's episode of Grey's. I didn't fast forward far enough and the stupid DVR gets all nutty and jumps too far ahead or back and it's annoying. If it's close to the end of commercials sometimes I just let it play. So yeah.

11. Last movie you watched? We watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall this weekend. It was far, far more crude than I expected, so... it sort of detracted from the storyline. Not one I'll be buying on DVD.

12. What did you dream about last night? I don't remember, not in the least bit.

13. What book are you reading? Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller.

14. Summer or Winter? Spring AND Fall.

15. Do you have any special talents? I have an uncanny knack for being awesome. 'Tis fantastic.

As an actual HYC update, by the way, the scale is nuts. It said I was 4 pounds down- four pounds! And then the next day it said I gained almost 3, a jump of 7. I've been eating really well and plan to keep walking so hopefully the down four was real and the up was a fluke. Time will tell.

PS Tonight's dinner was INCREDIBLE but, like a real winner, I forgot to take any pics of it. It was basically chicken in a peanut sauce with coconut milk, curry, chili powder, onions, garlic, organic tamari sauce (a gluten-free alternative to soy sauce), and tasty light brown organic brown sugar, etc, over rice with green onions and chopped up peanuts on top. So tasty, and we get to have leftovers at community group tomorrow so we can avoid gluten infested normal people food :)

Everyone Knows Who You Are

2008-11-16T20:16:00.000-08:00

[Live Your Life, TI feat Rihanna]

This will be super short, because I had a long day- the sexy husband and I were at church for over 6 hours, and while I love Mars Hill more than my right pinky toe that's a long time to be at church.

I taped a quick YouTube vlog with further thoughts about yesterday's less-than-pleasant experience at the health food market and thought ya'll might want the heads up:

Baby's Black Balloon Makes Her Fly

2008-11-15T19:57:00.000-08:00

[Black Balloon, Goo Goo Dolls]

Today:

First, the downside. Today Jason and I cleaned out our entire home of all products containing gluten. There will be some pics later. But, the deal is, after I planned out our meals for the week I went shopping at a small local chain that carries a lot of local, healthy, organic products. It's like Whole Foods, but local and way better. I purchased many healthy foods; in fact, you get to see our tasty dinner later via pic.

The deal is, I bought two moderately unhealthy items- some barbecue chips (for Jason's lunches) and some organic, gluten free ice cream. I had just purchased a heck ton of fresh produce and was trying to find a gluten free chip for Jason (again, one of two unhealthy items purchased out of about 20 items), totally minding my own business, when a guy walked by, said, "WHOA!!!" in a very loud voice, and totally pulled me out of my reverie. I looked up just in time to see him going around the corner, and could hear him say, "Did you SEE her?", in a very condescending voice. He then said something else that I couldn't hear but I could hear him and his male friend laughing.

That hurt. I was embarrassed, ashamed, kind of wanting to cry, and pissed, all at once. I had to remind myself that I have every bit as much of a right to shop there, at a health food store, as anyone else. I have had way more ugly, mean, and judgmental looks for being a fat person buying food at health food stores than I ever have at "normal" stores. The thing is, I had a great conversation with a sweet girl who was buying 3 gallons of honey to make homemade wine. As I was thinking about this, I realized that the rude looks (and sometimes comments) are rarely from the people who true hippies. Instead, it's the "we're trying to be cool" hipsters who look down their noses at me. Interesting.

And, freaking eh, if you want to hate on fat people, at least go point and laugh at fat people at the McDonald's line. Because there, at least, I could be like, "Yeah, you're right, I am fat and making really bad choices." But at the health food store, nay a processed food in my cart? But, really, I have to focus on myself and my health and let the haters hate because, honestly, they must seriously hate themselves if they have to hurt someone else to feel good about who they are.

That was the down side of today. The good news is that it wasn't even that painful to lose all of our gluten infused foods. Check out the haul that we are giving away (hopefully to you, Rachface!):

It's not super easy to see everything, but there's a whole lotta stuff there. Unopened bags of flour, organic pasta, whole wheat flour that was crazy expensive, cakes and soups... oy.

But the great news is that we had a delicious dinner. I made some amazing fried chicken. I used some sorghum flour, kosher salt, paprika, curry, granulated garlic, and chipotle powder for the breading, which I coated the chicken with after an egg wash. We have an electric skillet so I can regulate the temperature; if you keep the temp at 350 when you fry chicken then it absorbs very little oil; I used canola oil, too, so it was pretty dang tasty. It was not greasy at all, which was amazing! As a side I made this creamy polenta, slightly modified- I used sour cream instead of creme fraiche. It was SO good! I also made roasted acorn squash- I just sliced it up, coated it with olive oil, sprinkled over some kosher salt, and balsamic vinegar. 'Twas tres tastee.

Here are two pics; the first has a flash, which allows a good look at the chicken and squash but washes out the polenta. The second is flash free, so you can see the polenta much better, but it doesn't do much for the chicken and squash. remember that you can click on the pics for a much larger view. Anyway, it was pretty healthy and incredibly good, and so totally gluten free. Not half bad.

Enjoy the pics, and have a lovely Sunday :)

RSS Feed Readers- Heads Up!

2008-11-14T22:18:00.000-08:00

If you read FF via an RSS feed (ala Google Reader, etc) you may want to visit FoodeFight proper. The vlog I originally posted was messed up- for one, it was in two parts because it was 19 and a half minutes long. I know, lame. I was going to just suck it up and leave it, but then I watched part 1 and the video / audio were off, such that when I spoke the video lagged about a 1/2 of a second behind and it just looked awkward. Thus, I deleted both videos and started from scratch, thus editing the original post. I have G.Reader and it showed the old post but not the edited version.

The new vlog is better, anyway. Less rambling, thus shorter. Now it's only 10 minutes long :) I'll try to keep them to 3-4 minutes usually, but you know me- some will just have to be longer. Brevity and I aren't from different sides of the tracks, if you know what I mean. I haven't figured out which one of us is on the wrong side yet.